Following My Toes (32 page)

Ethan rubbed his eyes, and I couldn’t tell if he believed me, or if I was even making sense. But I kept talking.

“But I managed to free my arm, and I shoved his nose into his brain. It was enough to knock him out long enough to call the po-lice.”

“And this happened last night?”

“Yeah. But I went to work anyway, I don’t know why. Then on my way home, I stepped on this skateboard, fell, and hit my head.

“So I was knocked out for a while, and I assume someone called an ambulance. But I’m fine. Just tired, and frustrated that I had nobody to call. Then that mean candy-striper was making these condescending comments to me, and I sort of lost my ability to reason. So I told her that I had a boyfriend, but she didn’t believe me, so I called you.” I stopped, and took a deep breath. “And that’s the story.”

Cars were whizzing by us, but other than their noise, it was silent. I couldn’t read Ethan’s face, but for once, I was going to wait for his reaction rather than say something. It felt like an eternity, but finally he responded.

“Are you okay?” He asked me this gently, and clasped his entire hand over mine. I nodded my head.

“Did you use your right hand to punch him?” I nodded again, and he lifted my right hand and kissed it. Then with tender fingertips he touched the spot on my forehead where the bruise was forming. “And this is where you fell?” I nodded again, and he leaned in and kissed my forehead. “And who all should we put on the list?” he asked.

“What list?” I replied.

“The list of people who need their asses kicked.” I laughed but said nothing. He continued on. “Let’s see, we’ll start with your ex-boyfriend. He’ll be first. Then there’s your neighbor. His ass-kicking will be the worst. I suppose I should include whomever left out the skateboard you tripped on. But we’ll definitely end with the candy-striper.” He smiled, and I smiled back.

“Who’s going to do these ass kickings?” I asked.

“Whom do you think?” he said. “If I’m going to be your boy-friend, then I’ll have to do it. But I might need your help. It sounds like you’re a lot tougher than I am.”

“Ethan, the whole boyfriend thing… you don’t have to feel obligated.”

“And you don’t have to tell me how to feel.”

“I’m not. I...” He leaned in to kiss me. I wrapped my arms around him, and took in his feel, his smell, and the taste of him. His kiss was so sweet and warm that for a moment all my fears and concerns melted away. But only for a moment. He pulled away, and put his seat belt back on.

“We should probably get you home. Or to my home, anyway.”

I leaned my head back against the seat and closed my eyes. As far as I was concerned, I already was home.

Chapter 26

Ethan’s apartment was neater than I would have expected, but it was very bare. He had hardly any furniture, just a couch, some book-shelves, and a quite nice dining room table set, which he told me he inherited from his grandmother. His television was in his bedroom, which was small enough to be taken up almost completely by his bed.

We ordered a pizza and lounged in his bed all afternoon. We alternated between making-out, which we did until my head hurt enough that we had to stop, and watching television. I was not sup-posed to sleep for more than two hours at a time, but I found it hard not to drift off during the Maury Povich show. Ethan turned out to be a good supervisor, because two hours later he woke me, and handed me a cup of coffee. After a lot of gentle probing, I sat up and took a sip.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Okay.” My fatigue was hanging on me like a wet towel; by all rights I ought to have been able to sleep for hours on end.

“Do you want to take a walk? Some fresh air would wake you up.”

“Do we have to?” I whined. “I’d rather stay here.”

“If we stay here, you’ll fall asleep again.”

“No. I won’t. I promise.” But even as I said this, my eyes were flickering shut.

“Faith! Come on, you can’t fall asleep again.”

“Hasn’t it been twenty-fours yet?”

“No.”

“But I’m fine.”

Ethan ran his hands through his hair, a gesture that was starting to become endearingly familiar. He tugged at my foot and shook it, as if that alone would stir me into a more alert state.

“Hey, maybe what you should do is call some people, then we could go for a walk.”

“Call some people?”

“Yeah, like your sister. Don’t you think she might be worried?”

“I don’t know. If she is, it serves her right for turning off the machine.” I realized how petty that sounded even as I said it, so I added on, “but I’ll call her.”

“What about your friend?”

“My friend?”

“You know, the suicidal one?”

“There’s nothing I can do for her.”

“You’re sure about that?”

“Ethan, this is a very long story, and a very complicated one. Believe me, I’ve tried. I honestly have. The last time we spoke she told me we would never be friends again. If she’s not going to let me help her, then there’s nothing I can do for her.”

“Yeah, but your ex-boyfriend thinks differently.”

“That’s irrelevant.”

“Okay. Well, then never mind.” He walked into the living room and grabbed the cordless phone, walked back into the bedroom, and handed it to me. “Here,” he said, “call your sister.”

I dialed my home number with Ethan standing at the foot of the bed. The answering machine picked up yet again, so I left a message.

“Hey Margaret. It’s me. I got into a small accident after work, nothing serious, just fell and hit my head. But I can’t be unsupervised for several more hours, so I’m at Ethan’s. He came and picked me up since I couldn’t get a hold of you. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

I hung up and handed the phone back to him. I could sense his disapproval. “Okay,” I said. “You’re right. We should go for a walk.”

We put our shoes on, and walked out into the warm dusky air. Ethan walked at a brisk pace, and I was so tired that I had trouble keeping up. He was nothing like Peter, who always walked slowly enough to drive me crazy. Peter was always so lost in thought that everything he did was lackadaisical. But Ethan walked with a purpose, taking in his surroundings in an almost aggressive manner.

But he wasn’t paying much attention to me. I told myself it was probably nothing, but I decided to keep my bases covered.

“Hey, we never finished our conversation from before, in the car.” I said this and slowed down at the same time, in an effort to make our walk a little more leisurely.

He kept walking at the same pace though, so I sped up. “What do you mean?” he asked.

“Well, I know I don’t need to tell you how to feel, but I want to reiterate something. I mean, I’m not assuming anything, okay? This is all happening sort of fast, and I do like you, but maybe we shouldn’t be rushing into anything, you know?”

“Sure. I understand.”

“You do?”

“Yeah,” he turned to me and smiled. “We’ll be super-casual, if that’s what you want.”

“Um...”

“Do you want to walk down to
Lake
of the Isles?”

“Uh, sure. But can we slow down a little? I mean, literally slow down? I’m still sort of tired.”

“Sure. Sorry. People always tell me I walk fast.” He smiled again and took my hand. This was the sort of walk I imagined us going on, hand in hand, unhurried as we walked around the lake on a calm late-summer evening. But all was not right. And I knew I shouldn’t say anything, but I couldn’t let it be.

“Um, so what do you mean by super-casual?”

“You know. Casual. In a super sort of way.”

“Thanks. That clears things up.”

“Faith, do we have to figure it all out right this minute? Can’t we enjoy our walk?”

“Yeah, of course. I just have to ask....”

“Yes.” He said, in a decisive tone.

“What?”

“Whatever your question is, the answer is yes. Can we enjoy our walk now?” He squeezed my hand and kissed me on the cheek. So I nodded and shut up. But inside my injured head thoughts were screaming to be heard. Did super-casual mean he could date other people, like, say Glenn? Did he even want to date me at all? He seemed so relieved when I told him we didn’t have to rush into anything. Was he now regretting what he said in the car? And what about selling his shop and traveling around the world? I decided to broach the subject in a different way.

“Glenn stopped in the coffee shop this morning. We talked for a while.”

Ethan stared straight ahead. “Oh yeah? Do you think she’s the one who planted that foul skate-board on the sidewalk?”

“Very funny. But I wouldn’t put it past her. She did trip me before, you know. I wasn’t making that up.”

Ethan steered me towards the lake path. “I believe you. It’s just hard not to defend her.”

“Why? Because you’re still in love?”

“Because she’s so vulnerable.”

I struggled not to laugh. “Glenn’s vulnerable?”

“I know, it’s tough to believe if you don’t know her, but it’s true. She’s a needy person. At first I liked that, because she needed me, you know?”

“Hmm. That sounds familiar.”

Ethan let go of my hand to scratch his head. He then slipped his hands into his jean pockets, and sped up a little. “What do you mean?” he asked.

“Peter, my ex. He said the same thing to me last night when he was explaining why he chose Lacey, my best friend from childhood, over me. He said he felt more necessary with her.”

“And Lacey is the suicidal one?”

“According to Peter.”

“Lacey and Glenn must be a lot alike.”

“Why? Glenn isn’t suicidal, is she?”

“No. Not exactly suicidal.” Ethan strolled off the path to stand at the edge of the lake. A mother duck and her adolescent ducklings were swimming by, looking for food. Ethan said, “I love coming down here at the beginning of the summer, when the ducklings are little. They’re so cute when they’re small.”

I leaned against a tree. “Yeah. But once they become teenagers they’re not nearly as endearing, are they? No wonder the dad isn’t around.” I said this as a joke, but Ethan didn’t laugh. He turned to face me.

“That’s pretty cynical. How do you know he isn’t around? Maybe he’s off, hunting for worms or something.”

“Yeah. You’re probably right. He’s off hunting for worms.” I tried to make my voice sound genuine, but I failed miserably.

“Not all men are jerks.”

“Ethan, we were talking about ducks.”

“Never mind. Let’s turn back, okay?”

“No! We hardly have walked at all. And it’s nice out.”

“Fine.” He walked away from the lake at his same old fast pace. For a moment I considered not trying to catch up with him. Should it be so difficult this early on? But I did catch up with him. Maybe I’m a fool, and maybe I will manage to mess up every relationship or potential relationship that I will ever have, but enough was enough.

“Ethan, tell me what’s on your mind. Something is obviously bothering you.”

“Yeah, but it’s only sort of about you.”

“It’s sort of me?”

“Your life sounds complicated. And so is mine. I wonder if this is actually a good idea.”

“Because you’re going to sell your shop and travel the world?”

The shock spread across his face. “Glenn was chatty this morning, wasn’t she?” I nodded my head. “What else did she tell you?”

I took a deep breath, knowing it was time to finally confront the elephant in the living room. “She told me I was naive if I believed what

her mother told me, about you wanting her to have an abortion.”

“Is that it?”

“More or less.” Ethan sighed, and strolled over to the bench on the side of the walkway. He sat there, deflated, and I joined him.

“When I broke up with her, I didn’t know she was pregnant.”

“You broke up with her?”

“Yeah, in June. Then she called me with this story about how she’d been pregnant, but was too scared to tell me. So she had an abortion she regretted. She was sobbing and threatening to kill herself. So I took care of her and promised to be her friend and all, but she kept trying to get back together. She wouldn’t accept that I didn’t want to.”

“That sounds awful.”

“It was. It still is. And at the same time that all of this was going on, I met you. Even though I wanted to, I couldn’t start dating you, because I was too freaked out about Glenn.”

I traced an invisible line on his hand, and silently composed what I wanted to say before I uttered anything. “I understand. I felt the same way, sort of. It’s hard to let go of one relationship while starting another at the same time.”

“Yeah.” He nodded his head, then stared out at the lake. “I had no idea that your life is as screwed as mine is.”

A gentle breeze stirred the air and, oddly, it gave me strength. I pushed past my fatigue and headache to explain what I needed Ethan to know. “My life used to be screwed up, but I think I’m beginning to figure things out. For a while I was so hurt I didn’t know if I could ever let anyone else in. Now I’m finally starting to see outside of myself enough to realize that everything happens for a reason.” I chuckled softly, realizing I was quoting Lacey.