For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1) (25 page)

“Sorry…I’m not sure how to explain what I’m thinking without hurting you.”

“I’d like for you to be honest with me. You won’t hurt me, I promise.”

“Okay…” I mumbled. “I want you to stay here, but I’m not ready to share my bed. I don’t mean sexually either.” I shook my head, hearing how it sounded. “I’m just not ready to sleep next to someone. I’m not sure when I’ll be ready, but I hate when you leave.”

“I meant on the couch. I don’t expect that. I simply don’t want you to be alone.”

“You don’t mind sleeping on the sofa?” I leaned in with disbelief.

“No, I don’t,” he shrugged. His eyes exuded honesty and a kindness he never hesitated expressing to me.

“Then yes, I’d like you to stay.”

He smiled from ear to ear, nervously though, unsure if he’d imagined my positive response. It sunk in after a moment and he said, “Okay, I’ll come back after the show. I’m going to leave here earlier to get some clothes.”

I worried I’d hurt his feelings, but Rhys knew what I was thinking. He leaned in and kissed my mouth quickly. “I know why you feel the way you do, I get it and one day we’ll get there. But I don’t expect it, okay?”

I nodded, his forehead against mine, appreciative for that man and his golden heart.

∞

Rhys returned after the show with an overnight bag. After dinner, we’d been watching TV when a commercial came on of a couple snuggled in bed. We both thought it; how it could be us if I’d stop being crazy, but neither of us voiced it. The problem was that the commercial kept playing and after the fourth time, Rhys cleared his throat; his indication that something was on his mind. I had been laying with my head across his lap and turned on my back to look up. “What?” I asked bluntly.

“I want to ask you something, but don’t get upset.” I put my hand up to his face to motivate him, and he rubbed his stubbly jaw against it. “Do you think you’ll be able to sleep next to someone eventually? I know it’s because of Aaron, and I’m not pressuring you, but someday right?”

After two years of swearing off love and relationships, I was constantly being challenged by this one. Part of me did want to snuggle with him, to wake later in the week and smell hints of him on my sheets. But the fear was too much and as quickly as I would daydream over it, morbid thoughts stormed my mind.

“I never really thought about it before, because I didn’t have to. I’d like to one day, I’m just so scared. It’s heartbreaking, but the image of Aaron lifeless next to me tends to overlap all the wonderful memories I have of him. It’s imprinted in my mind and I’m paranoid if I sleep next to someone again, that I’ll lose them too.”

My eyes watered and when I blinked, the tears escaped. Rhys wiped them away tenderly. “You never told me exactly what he passed from. I know it was in his sleep, but what was the cause?”

“His heart just stopped beating,” I shook my head. “Everything was normal otherwise.”

Rhys rubbed my head and stayed quiet for a few minutes but they felt like an eternity. “Ellie, you know that just because someone’s in your bed, doesn’t mean it’ll happen again. It could happen on the street, at work, in the next room on the sofa. I’m not trying to frighten you, but the bed isn’t the problem. Don’t mistake this for expectations either. I’m not rushing you. I just anticipate that we can both hope for that, when the time’s right for you.”

“You talk so causally about us, like we’re in it for the long haul.”

His head jerked back in the dark. “Well, aren’t we? I thought we were.”

“I hope so. It’s scary how serious it’s getting, because that means I get more attached. But I like the idea of that…being together.”

“You’ll see,” he laughed. “I’m very hard to get rid of.”

I took one look at him, hearing his laugh that was only half genuine and turned towards the TV. There was a hint of sadness in his eyes and I knew Rhys better than he thought. Initially, I’d worried his acting would sneak into our relationship, but after a few short weeks I knew the real man; he was saddened by my issues and hesitation, the hint of it deep in his crystal irises. I had to give him something, meet him in the middle, and prove that my broken and fearful heart did actually want him there.

I turned back and met his eyes. “Rhys?”

“Hmm?”

“You think you’d mind staying here when I’m not sick?”

Rhys smiled, one that met his eyes and melted the somberness that lingered in them. Shaking his head slowly he said, “I don’t think I’d mind that at all, actually.”

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

O
ne week after our first sleepover, Rhys took me on the simplest, coolest date. As always it was shaded in mystery and all he told me was to dress in comfortable clothes and walking shoes, and to be ready by 4:30 p.m. It was our first Saturday date; one of the nights he’d given to the understudy long ago. I wondered why he’d picked that significant date or if was just a random choosing, but when I saw what he had planned, I learned nothing was random with Rhys.

Since we often stayed in, I rarely experienced fans around him, but that night we rode the Tube and he wore sunglasses and a baseball cap to blend in. Some suspected it was him, staring blatantly, but no one questioned it. When we got off at Waterloo station, I knew after a year of riding the Tube that we were near the Thames, facing Elizabeth Tower, or Big Ben. We started walking towards the river, the London eye directly ahead, and I was taken aback to see he had chosen such a touristy area. Then as we reached the wheel, he stopped.

“We have to wait here a few minutes,” he said, shuffling in place. He seemed anxious, unable to sit still and kept looking around in the crowd.

“What?” I asked, searching the area for a clue as to what he was looking for.

“Any minute now,” he said. He hadn’t mentioned we were meeting anyone, and I hoped we weren’t. I wanted him to myself. Then he smiled at something behind me and raised his hand in a wave. “Ah, here! That’s mine!” he said.

Out of the crowd came a young gentleman carrying a pizza box and a canvas bag with wine and plastic glasses. Rhys paid him, took the food, and gestured with his head for me to follow him. I was so confused, only to continue misunderstanding when he asked me to hold the box before he shook the wheel attendant’s hand.

The attendant stopped the wheel and opened the bubble, signaling for us to enter. I looked at Rhys with questioning eyes, but he didn’t let on. Playfully he said, “Well, get in,” and pushed me gently. I started laughing nervously, mumbling to myself, but followed orders and entered the attraction. I turned expecting tourists to join us, but the attendant closed the capsule and it began moving.

“Wait, is this our date?” I asked, watching him put the pizza in the center of the seating area.

“Yes, darling. I rented it for the night. There’s a super moon rising and we’re watching it from here.”

“There’s a super moon tonight?” He nodded, smiling at me. “We get to watch from inside the Eye?”

“Yup,” he said, opening the bottle.

I grinned at him, beaming at the unique things he managed to spoil me with. “Thank you, Rhys.”

“You don’t have to thank me.”

I approached him then, hugging and kissing him spontaneously, first on his mouth and then trailing along his jaw before nestling my head into his neck. “I do have to thank you, you see. You take really good care of me and make me so happy.”

“So, I’m succeeding?” he asked, rubbing my back slowly.

I leaned back so he could see my face. “With the highest marks.”

He grinned widely, slightly cocky, “I’d love to hold you all night, but our food will get cold.”

We rotated a few times as we ate our pizza, the wheel stopping for other capsules to vacate before cycling again. With two slices left in the box, Rhys asked, “Have you ever seen a super moon?”

“No, have you?” Rhys shook his head.

“I like sharing all these firsts together.”

“Everything’s better together, hmm?”

I nodded, and it was. I couldn’t believe I had allowed myself to be alone for so long. The longer I was with Rhys, the more I realized how stupid I’d been; how I’d never want Aaron to have done that. But I still missed him. Sometimes, out of habit, I’d think of Aaron’s hand in mine when I felt Rhys’. It only happened early on, and I had to remind myself that the man before me wasn’t ever going to be Aaron, and that way okay because he made me incredibly happy. He made the hole in my heart feel a little bit smaller because he made my heart swell.

Later that night, after witnessing the most gorgeous example of nature’s wonder, Rhys dropped me off and sent me another song via text.

Rhys: I had such a great night with you. Here’s another song for us.
Whenever We’re Together
- Josh Radin

∞

But like in every relationship, things weren’t always perfect just because we were together. The following week, Rhys had asked me to meet him for lunch at the theatre. With my courses, the show, and the rehearsals, we’d become experts in taking advantage of any second we could spend together, on top of his sleeping on my couch at least twice a week.

Rhys introduced me to his cast mates as his girlfriend, a term he called me opening night that now held so much meaning. After some small talk he quickly tugged me to his dressing room where I hadn’t been since that evening. I had been so nervous, so cautious, and I felt the same way in that moment because there was hunger in his eyes.

He opened the door and yanked me in. Closing it behind us, he gently pinned me against the door. Rhys possessed my mouth with a new yearning, incomparable to his temperate and charming kisses. After he’d taken care of me, and regularly stayed over, we’d grown closer and so had our affections. I had gained confidence in myself and in us as a couple, and it allowed me to feel comfortable with him while growing attached.

We kissed against the door promiscuously, our mouths open, his lips on my neck, my lips and cheeks. It was fervent and he wasn’t restraining himself only to be brought back to reality by the voices trailing outside. He separated our mouths, both red and puffy and said, “Sorry. This week’s been torture without you.”

“Mine too,” I agreed, catching my breath.

He stared at me with uncertain emotion, thoughts racing in his eyes that he didn’t share, and then he shook his head at me. But it wasn’t at what I’d said; he was really nodding to himself, answering some silent remark or question. “Rehearsal ended early, so we’ll have a longer lunch. I’d love to spend it in here…” he winked. “But I’m starving.”

Walking hand in hand, we headed to a nearby sushi place we both loved. Down the road a couple of fans noticed Rhys and the Spanish-speaking girls followed us, calling his name nonstop. Rhys turned, not wanting to ignore them, and we stopped for photos and autographs. It was awkward and uncomfortable seeing all the girls fawning over him, looking at my boyfriend like he was a piece of meat. I wondered if that’s what I looked like when I gazed at him and I couldn’t stand it any longer, surprising myself with my extent of jealously.

I let go of his hand and bunched mine together. “Why don’t you take your time and meet me at the restaurant?”

He looked down at his newly empty hand, and something sad entered his eyes. “You don’t want to just wait for me? It’ll be quick,” he said, pleading with me. He looked at his hand again in disappointment.

“No,” I paused. “It’s okay, don’t worry.” And then I turned and started walking before he could say another word.

I wasn’t ready to have my picture taken, to show up on every social media platform with rude comments, and considering how some of the girls were looking at me, I knew it was inevitable. I had let go of his hand abruptly, perhaps too aggressively in my rush to escape, but I admit I panicked.

It felt as though I had waited forever for him, and then about fifteen minutes later he spotted me in the back, still looking discontented. Instead of joining me, he acknowledged me quickly and walked to the restroom. When he returned we sat in tense silence and I felt berated, like a child in the corner. He had no choice but to look at me after ten minutes of staring at his phone.

“Rhys?” I whispered with a shaky voice.

“Hmm?” he hummed. His face was tight and his smile was nonexistent.

“Everything okay?”

“Why do you ask that?” He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms.

“You seem upset. Did something happen after I left?”

“No, not after you left.”

“Then…” I paused staring at his squinted eyes, noticing their usual joy was extinguished. “Why are you acting differently?”

“I’m not, Ellie.”

“You are…”

“It’s fine,” he said sighing, beginning to play with the sugar packets.

Another waitress, a young female who obviously knew Rhys, brought our drinks to the table. She looked at me for a moment, analyzing who I was and why he was with me, and I finally stood up to the cold looks I was receiving from every angle. “I’m actually not staying.” After grabbing my blazer and purse, I began walking out of the restaurant to hear Rhys mumble something to the waitress. Making my way to the nearest tube station, Rhys caught up to me and yanked my wrist back.

I turned around and shouted, “Let go!” and the level of sternness in my voice stunned him.