For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1) (27 page)

I couldn’t fall back to sleep, though. Memories of the day flooded my mind and I couldn’t stop obsessing over how wonderful he had been. I still missed Aaron, every day, but separate from the person Aaron was in my life, I missed companionship. Rhys filled that void, substantially, being my partner to tell my stories to, my experiences, my jokes, fears and dreams. He made me feel renewed in hope and life, and whenever I wasn’t with him, I wanted to be. I found myself sitting alone in the dark, wasting time when I could be with him. I was so afraid of losing life, I wasn’t living it fully.

And he had been so careful; he respected that things needed to be on my terms, at my pace. But how long would I continue keeping him at a distance? How long would I make myself wait and what was the appropriate amount of time before continuing to move forward? The truth was things were never going to get easier, but they would continue getting better if I let them.

I no longer had justification to protect myself, or my heart. Rhys had proved that, having climbed over the walls I’d built. But I had yet to allow myself to take the walls down and step outside of them. I turned to look at the empty side of my bed, hating the vacancy, loathing that he was down the hall and in seconds I could be in his arms.

It took me a long while to muster the courage; I got up from the bed three times before I fully pressed my feet to the ground. When I did, I bravely walked across the cold wood floors creaking beneath my feet, and made my way to the other side of the apartment. As quiet as possible, I tiptoed into his room and knelt by him beside the bed. Of course, he looked gorgeous in his sleep without even trying. Gently, I placed my hand on his cheek, my insides twisting and churning with nerves, and he woke, surprised to see me. He leaned up, “Is everything okay?” he asked in a slight panic.

I nodded, admiring how the moon casted shadows on each of our faces, naturally illuminating the room. I rubbed his face to calm him and whispered, “Would it be okay if I slept here?”

Rhys squinted at me, confusion settling in as my heart rose and constricted within my throat. “Are you sure?” he asked.

My heart dropped rapidly into the pit of my stomach. I didn’t expect for him not to want me, and it showed all over my face because he grabbed my hand off his cheek and kissed it.

“Please, understand me.” He rubbed his eyes. “I only mean, are you ready? Not that I don’t want you to.”

He squeezed my hand and I felt instantaneous relief, sighing aloud and praying he didn’t know just how much he’d scared me. I nodded and Rhys slid back towards the center of the bed, patting the newly empty space between us. I crawled in to face him and he wrapped one arm around me, touching my face with the other. He kissed me, calmly, gently, attempting to reassure me that it was okay, that everything would be fine. I knew he could feel my heart thumping in my chest, but he continued trying to soothe me.

After a few minutes he asked, “Why the sudden change, darling?”

I closed my eyes as they began watering, knowing I said goodbye to something irreplaceable. But when I opened them, blinking back the tears, I saw his blue eyes staring at me, with nothing but tenderness in them.

“I don’t want to sleep alone anymore,” I whispered through tear stained lips.

Rhys gave me exactly what I needed, kissing my forehead before he whispered in my ear, “Neither do I. I know I said otherwise, and I meant it, but having you in the next room has been pure torture. I’m never letting you go, Ellie. I’m yours.”

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

I
awoke in Rhys’ arms and at first I snuggled up to him as if I’d been doing it forever, but a second later I remembered where I was, who I was with, and that it was the first time we’d woken up together. He sensed me moving and said, “Are you all right, darling?”

"Yeah," I said, looking down at his chest hairs that peeked out of his V-neck. I wondered if I had woken him up, or if he was awake already and didn’t want to disturb me. I was suddenly overcome with bashfulness and didn’t want to make eye contact, but Rhys figured it out, giving me a moment. Instead of prying, he nuzzled me closer and whispered into my ear.

“Do you regret this?” he asked, his hand on my throat tickling the back of my neck. He had to feel my throbbing heartbeat too. I shook my head. “Then what’s the matter?”

“I forgot where I was.” I rubbed his chest hoping he trusted me, but also to convince myself he was real and that I wasn’t dreaming.

“Ellie,” he took a deep breath. “Please don’t pull away. Please tell me you don’t regret this…I have to hear you say it.”

I crawled up towards his ear, inhaling his scent on his neck first. “I promise, Rhys. I don’t regret this. I slept so well, so sweetly, but it’s been two years. It just took me a second. Don’t worry, I’m not turning back.”

“So does that mean we’ll be sharing a bed from now on?” he asked, and I pulled away enough to look into his eyes for the first time since we’d woken up. His eyes were his giveaway, always telling me the truest confession of his thoughts. There was a mixture of joy and fear in them; glad to see me in his arms in the morning light, but afraid he’d just tasted something that was a rare delicacy.

“If it’s something you want, then yes. I’d like that.” I watched happiness stomp the fear out of his gaze.

“I’ll be right back,” he said, rushing off the bed and running clumsily out of the room. Seconds later he returned with my suitcase and leaned against the door frame with a smirk. “You don’t need this in the other room.” He laughed, and it became contagious as he hopped back into bed with me. “It’s certainly something I want, in case you can’t tell. I didn’t want to pressure you, but I’ve been dying to sleep beside you.”

We held each other and kissed for a few minutes. We were so close to one another I could feel every part of his body, and it wasn’t awkward like the first time I sat in his lap; things were more personal now that we had shared so much of each other.

“Was it as difficult as you thought it would be?”

I pondered his question. “No, it’s odd that it wasn’t. But everything is easy with you. It took me a couple of times to make it over here, though.”

“Are you sad?” he whispered, tracing my face with his fingertip.

“We don’t have to talk about it now, Rhys.”

“Yes, we do. I care how you feel and what you’re going through. If we don’t talk, how do we have a chance of succeeding together?”

“I was a little sad when I got in the bed, but it was overpowered by the fact that I’d surmounted a serious struggle, and gained the best thing for me.”

He held me quietly for some time, and as we continued lying there he said, “I know I moved your bag, but will you actually sleep in here for the rest of this trip? I’ve never slept with anyone here… I’m so glad it’s you.”

His admission left me woozy so I only nodded.

“This is going to change everything, you know.”

“I know, but it’s a good change.”

“It most certainly is,” he whispered, pressing his lips to my forehead. “I almost don’t want to get out of bed, but we should definitely enjoy the city we came for. I’ll make do knowing I’ll have you by my side all night.” And then he pressed his smile against mine.

I wasn’t sure if Rhys was the universe’s way of apologizing for Aaron and what had happened, but it often felt like it. How I could be so blessed to have someone like him, someone who completely understood me, and my needs, was beyond me. Physically he was beautiful, but it was more than that. Whenever I thought back to the moment I first fell in love with Rhys Edwards I always thought back to that morning in his bed. I wouldn’t know it for some time after, but that moment my heart knew. How could it not?

∞

The rest of our trip was just as amazing. Rhys took me to the Louvre, Shakespeare and Company, Notre Dame, Montmartre, and he took me shopping on Champs De Elyse. I didn’t buy anything, refusing to spend money on frivolous items, but I did let him spoil me with pastries and macaroons, and a homemade meal on our second night there.

He kissed me all over the city, so often and for so long that fans took pictures of us, but in the moment neither of us cared. After spending the day hopping through museums, Rhys cooked for me in his pajamas. We were exhausted, but he insisted he wanted to prove his French cooking skills and that he wanted me all to himself.

When it came time to go to bed, my stomach squirmed knowing I would be sleeping next to him again. I had thought about it here and there throughout the day, but the city did a good job of distracting me from my anxiety.

After cleaning up, I followed Rhys to his room and hesitated by the door frame. He’d gone into the bathroom and hadn’t noticed, but when he came out and saw me there, he chuckled. Coming over to me, he grabbed my hand lightly, tickling the inside of my palm.

“Are you nervous? You seem rather uneasy over the bed…” he laughed again.

I looked down to avoid his gaze. “A little,” I admitted.

“Why?” He leaned closer, lowering his head down towards me and brushed his hand against my cheek.

“Well,” I looked up at him. “Last night was spur of the moment, I just did it. But tonight it’s anticipated, and though I’m not regretting anything, there’s something about making the preconceived choice that makes it scary.”

“I think I have the solution.”

“Really, what?” My heart constricted, worried he was going to tell me to go back to my bed, to try another day.

“Yeah,” and then Rhys grabbed me abruptly, lifted me over his shoulder and, while I squealed, tossed me onto the bed. He jumped in beside me. “Now you’re in the bed and there’s nothing to worry about, see?”

And he was right. He made me laugh, took the anxiety out of the situation and filled it with ease. We cuddled under the sheets, talking about our goals and old childhood memories. He told me he would love to play James Bond one day, and I mentioned I would like to get my doctorate degree eventually. And then, when he still sensed my nerves, Rhys read to me,
in French
. He picked up a novel beside him and said he’d do it until I fell asleep, to help me relax.

But it didn’t last long, because if Rhys’ British accent was sexy, his French dialect was beyond hot. We made out for a while and it was intensified from being in his bed. His scent was all over it and it only fueled my insatiable desire for him to press his mouth on my lips, on my neck, and on my heart. Mid-kiss, he pulled back with a sudden question. “Do you think you’d feel comfortable staying at my place in London?”

I looked at him, focusing back into reality after the lightheaded feeling his kisses left behind. “Yeah,” I nodded.

“Yeah?” and I smiled, pressing my lips back to his.

We became drowsy and after some lazier kisses, Rhys dozed off while I scratched his back. I listened to him breathing soft, deep breaths that caused his gorgeous chest to rise and fall. I had never expected to be so comfortable in another man’s arms; Aaron’s were so familiar having been the only ones, but with Rhys I was safe and coddled. I knew only someone like him could have cared for me and pieced together my damaged heart.

I lay against his chest, continuing to focus on his breathing, on the hairs weaving on his forearm, but especially on his beating heart against my ear. It became my own personal lullaby, and I begged the universe to keep this one beating so that I could keep mine from stopping.

∞

Our trip to Paris ended up being more wonderful than I could have hoped. We surpassed a milestone in some makeshift honeymoon that we had allowed ourselves. I knew I’d been moving slowly in our physical relationship, slower than a guy might like, but Rhys understood. On our final night we’d been kissing passionately in bed and Rhys was tugging at the bottom of my shirt without realizing it. He held back, but later when I went to the bathroom, the bottom corner of my shirt was extremely wrinkled, as if he’d been holding it in a tight ball.

It had been difficult to not go further, even for me, but I wasn’t ready despite the deep longing stirring. Rhys didn’t say much, but when I came out of the bathroom he took one look at my shirt and something changed in his eyes, forcing him to look away. As I crawled back into bed I could feel his heart racing and the tightness all around his body. He held me, but there wasn’t the same closeness from moments before. He was trying to safely distance himself in that moment.

I desired that with him, I did, but it still felt like I needed to take these baby steps and allow myself to reach the right mindset. When we did decide to be together intimately, I wanted to make sure I didn’t mess it up with some emotional outburst. I wanted the moment to belong to him, not to Aaron, because Rhys deserved that and so much more.

Sleeping beside him had left me so rested. I’d slept better than in the last two years, and while most vacations left me in need of recuperation, that one revived me. I couldn’t imagine turning back and sleeping alone again after those first five nights, and it seemed Rhys couldn’t either, asking me on the train ride home if he could stay at my place for his last night off.

On the return trip I was listening to another new song he’d given me,
Shut up and Dance With Me
by Walk the Moon. He had taken me dancing during the trip, and while he wasn’t perfect, I fell harder for him and the effort he’d made for me. As the song ended my phone beeped and I assumed it was Anne, begging for information about the trip. I gasped when I saw it was James, and that he’d sent a picture of a grocery store tabloid that read, “Rhys Finds Love in Paris.” We were on the cover, his arm around my waist and were looking at each other near
Champs-Élysées. The photo was quite nice actually, but it was his message that tore me up.