FOR MEN ONLY (2 page)

We think in the pages ahead you’re going to receive a lot of very promising invitations to try some new things. Most are incredibly simple, but they may not come naturally. At least at first. Of course, if all you read about here is already instinctive to you, you wouldn’t be troubled by randomness, confusion, frustration…and did I mention swamps?

My encouragement to you: Give the process time as you retrain years of incorrect assumptions and counterproductive reactions. Bring a humble attitude. Be willing to practice. Believe it can be done.

Because I’ve learned that it can be. After several months of being the embedded male, I was watching a movie with Shaunti one night. Halfway through, I casually mentioned that I didn’t like the way one female character treated another. Shaunti sat up on the couch, grinned, and said, “You’re thinking like a girl!”

Now, she meant it as high praise, but in the small Midwest town where I grew up, that kind of talk could get a guy slugged. But then I realized: Maybe I
had
learned a valuable thing or two about the female universe, just by listening in.

Here’s hoping that you do, too.

Even if your relationship is great, your mate likely has a fundamental insecurity about your love—and when that insecurity is triggered, she may respond in ways that confuse or dismay you until she feels reassured that you love her.

T
hink of the deals you’ve struck in your life. Your first car. Your first real job. Your first house. You saw what you wanted, did what you had to do to get it—and you came home with a done deal.

No deal compares to winning a wife, though. You pursued her with all the creativity and resources you could muster, and the deal was done. Your wedding day was the day you proved your love to the world, and to her. Divorce stats to the contrary, I’d bet—since you’re reading this book—your marriage feels like the most obviously
closed deal
in your whole life.

Right?

Well, not exactly. As we’ll explain in this chapter, it just feels closed for you.

No, your wife isn’t still out looking for other suitors. But in an unusual and powerful way that married men don’t really understand, your wife doesn’t feel permanently loved once the marriage papers are signed. Yes, she
knows
you love her, but there are periodic times when her
feelings
need to be convinced and reassured.

The Truth About “I Do”

It’s no surprise that women need to feel loved. What is a surprise is that buried inside most women—even those in great relationships—is a latent insecurity about whether their man
really
loves them, and whether the relationship is okay. This sense of vulnerability may usually be under the surface of their minds, but when it is triggered, most women show signs of distress until the concern is resolved.

You can read “show signs of distress” as “drive their man nuts” if you want.

Buried inside most women—even those in great relationships—is a latent insecurity about whether their man
really
loves them.

Fact is, you’re going to see, as I did, that many of the things that perplex or even anger us about our wife or girlfriend are
signals that they are feeling insecure about our love
or the relationship.

For example, have you ever wondered why your wife:

• asks, “Do you love me?” even though you’ve done nothing to indicate you’ve changed your mind about loving her? (In fact, you just told her you loved her this morning on the way out the door!)

• takes your need for space or “cave” time as an indication that you’re upset with and trying to get away from her?

• wants to talk, talk, talk about your relationship—especially at the times you
least
want to?

• seems to turn critical or pushy for no reason you can figure?

• gets crabby or “excessively emotional” and seems to push you away—but is unhappy or angry when you
stay
away?

If you’re like me, you react to these seemingly unrelated behaviors with confusion and frustration. You become convinced you’ll never know what she wants, and could never please her if you did.

But our research for
For Men Only
has persuaded me that every single one of those behaviors is related, and many are easy to resolve. Once you’re clued in, you’ll see those “drive you nuts” behaviors as red warning lights signaling a breach in your wife’s confidence about whether you really love her.

You’ll see those “drive you nuts” behaviors as red warning lights signaling a breach in your wife’s confidence about whether you really love her.

I know it sounds crazy to you that your wife might ever wonder whether you love her. But as it turns out, your “I do” actually
didn’t
bring permanent emotional closure and put her mind at rest about your feelings for her forever. For her, your “I do” doesn’t erase that insecurity about your love that lives under the surface in even the most happily married woman—an insecurity that, when triggered, becomes a deeply felt uncertainty: “Do you? Do you
still
…love me? Are we still okay?”

Now, you might be thinking, “Surely this doesn’t apply to my wife! She
knows
I love her!” Yes, she probably does. But we’re not talking here about what she
knows logically
, but rather about the
feeling
that rises up when something has triggered it. Even otherwise secure, confident wives find that this latent “Does he really love me?” insecurity is relatively easily triggered—and it is this feeling that we need to take seriously.

Having gotten so much input from women, I now believe that if men can get clarity on this hidden insecurity, we’ll experience a lot more understanding, peace, and pleasure at home.

Let’s begin with looking closer at the mystery.

Three Surprises (What “Never a Done Deal” Feels Like to Her)

As the token embedded male for our surveys and focus groups, I was in for a number of big surprises on the subject of women’s relational, triggered insecurity.

My First Surprise—How frequent these feelings are
Whereas most guys coast along rarely thinking about the health of the relationship, for most women that is unthinkable.

Seven out of every ten women said their relationship and how their man felt about them was anywhere from “occasionally” to nearly always on their minds. Fewer than 20 percent said that they wondered about it only when things were difficult. Just 12 percent never thought about it.

Under what circumstances do you think about your relationship, whether it is going well, or how your husband/significant other feels about you? [Choose One Answer]

I’m guessing that for most guys, “occasional” thoughts about the closeness of our relationship might boil down to birthdays, anniversaries, and when something goes drastically, obviously haywire. But when we asked women what they meant by “occasional” concern about how their man felt about them, I often heard that it meant several times a week, or
whenever it was triggered
(such as by what we might consider a relatively minor spat).

We checked these results by asking the question another way and got an even stronger response. Four out of five women acknowledged sometimes feeling insecure about their man’s love and the relationship. Among women under forty-five, the percentage jumped to 91 percent, and among those with children in middle school or younger, it was almost universal.

I realize us guys can understand this foreign-seeming insecurity if we compare it to one of our own. As one woman put it, “You know that record that’s always running in a guy’s head about providing? Well,
we
have the same fundamental concern about our relationship all the time. And if it’s not going well, it can mess up everything else in our lives.”

My Second Surprise—How intensely painful these feelings are

Almost every woman I asked said she cared about her man so much that when this relational insecurity was triggered, it was very painful—sometimes almost debilitating—and it became difficult, if not impossible, for them to get it off their minds. As several women put it, “When we’re at odds, nothing is right with the world until it is resolved.”

On the survey, three out of four women agreed, saying that this “Does he really love me?” concern left them feeling preoccupied, emotionally withdrawn, depressed, or affected in other “visible” ways. Look at the data:

When you are feeling insecure about his love or the relationship, which of the following are true
about your feelings?
[Choose all correct answers.
^*1
]

You and I have every right to think the woman we love
shouldn’t
feel insecure. We’re faithful, we go to work, we
do
love her…and we’re still here. But just because we think our wife
should
feel secure doesn’t mean that she always
does
. Which leads to my third realization.

Just because we think our wife
should
feel secure about our love doesn’t mean that she always
does
.

My Third Surprise—How resistant to “logic” (i.e. my logic) her feelings remain

As Shaunti points out: “It’s irrelevant whether she should ‘know logically’ that she’s loved. If she doesn’t
feel
loved, it’s the same for her as if she
isn’t
loved.”

One survey taker put it this way:

I wish he realized that where he processes everything based just on logic, I process information based also on emotion. He says that I know logically that he loves me, and that should be enough. But the fact is, emotionally I don’t
feel
loved.

Again, think about one of our own “resistant to logic” concerns. Even secure guys who are good at their jobs inwardly feel—all logic to the contrary—that they still could be just a few mistakes or industry hiccups away from losing their job. And even women in good relationships feel that they could be just a few bad blowups away from losing their man’s love.

As one woman said, “I don’t think we ever take his love for granted.”

Even women in good relationships feel that they could be just a few bad blowups away from losing their man’s love.