FOR MEN ONLY (14 page)
Authors: Shaunti Feldhahn
A Final Note…
A
s Shaunti noted up front, men often process new information differently than women do, mulling things over internally and perhaps investigating perplexing topics more closely. We urge any women sneaking a peek at this book to give their men the space and time that they will need to process, and recognize that they may not actually want to talk about it—they may simply want to practice it!
For men who want to learn about certain areas in more detail, we list additional resources at
www.formenonlybook.com
. One good “next step” is Emerson Eggerichs’s book
Love and Respect
, particularly the chapters written for men.
CITATIONS
Chapter 2
Source for footnote: Emerson Eggerichs,
Love and Respect
(Brentwood, TN: Integrity Publishers, 2004).
Movie dialogue is from
The Parent Trap
, directed by Nancy Meyers (Disney, 1998); cast, Dennis Quaid and Natasha Richardson.
Chapter 6
Information demonstrating that husbands who do more chores tend to have more and better sex comes from John Gottman, PhD, and Nan Silver,
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
(New York: Random House), 205–206.
Source for footnote 2: Dr. Douglas Rosenau,
A Celebration of Sex
(Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2002), 168, 214–215.
Source for footnote 3: Theresa Crenshaw,
Alchemy of Love and Lust
(New York: Simon & Schuster, 1996), 125.
Chapter 7
David Robinson quote from Leigh Montville, “The Trials of David,” Sports Illustrated, April 29, 1996, 95. Full quote: “I made a rule when I got married…. I decided that if anyone’s feelings are going to be hurt, they’re not going to be my wife’s. If I think [a woman] is acting inappropriately, I say so. It may sound harsh, but that’s the way it is. My wife is not going to be the one to suffer.”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
L
iterally thousands of people provided the input and assistance that was crucial to the writing and content of this book, and there is no way to adequately thank them in this short space. To all of these wonderful folks, we want to say thank you, and ask forgiveness in advance if we leave anyone out of this section.
First we must deeply thank and acknowledge our prayer team, who did the real work of this book by covering us in prayer for most of a year: Martha and Barry Abrams, Kurt Alme, Diana Baker, Elizabeth Beinhocker, Michael and Deon Brown, Ann Browne, Mark and Christa Crawford, Gerry and Kasey Crete, Alison Darrell, Mike Deagle, Betty Dunkum, Calvin Edwards, Craig and Lynn Elam, Mollianne Elliott, Darby Ferguson, Susan Fleck, Larissa Fontenot, Nancy French, Lisa and Ron Fry, Natt and Meredith Gantt, Kate Gates, Dan Glaze, Michael and Debra Goldstone, Jennifer Graves, Laura Grindley, Dean and Jan Harbry, Judy Hitson, John and Monica Holcomb, Lin Hopkins, Anne Hotchkiss, Victor Jih, Jane Joiner, Audrey Lambert, Kristen Lambert, Mary Laudermilk, Charl and Elsa Liebenberg, Jan and John MacLaury, Karen McAdams, Kurt Montavon, Lisa and John Nagle, Bruce and Sue Osterink, Darlene Penner, Elizabeth Noller, Linda and Jack Preston, Dick and Judy Reidinger, Eric and Lisa Rice, Phil and Susan Rodenberg, Andy and Jeanne Sandecki, Roger Scarlett, Albert and Wendy Shashoua, Jim and Chris Sharp, Jenny Shea, D. J. Snell, Lon and Katherine Waitman, and Ed and Jewels Warren.
The professional survey of women that is at the core of this book was guided by the experienced hand of Chuck Cowan of Analytic Focus (
analyticfocus.com
), and performed by Kevin Sharp and the rest of the team at Decision Analyst (
decisionanalyst.com
). As in previous books, I thank this excellent team.
We promised to keep the identity of the interviewees and focus group participants confidential, so we cannot name them here. But please know just how much we appreciate all of you. We also are so appreciative of the many women’s group directors and conference organizers that have invited Shaunti to speak, allowing her to test and refine our emerging findings in the process.
Several individuals went above and beyond in providing assistance and help as we investigated the topics covered in this book. We need to especially acknowledge counselors Chris and Susan Silver of Tree of Life Ministries and Atlanta-based sex therapists and experts Dr. Douglas Rosenau and Dr. Michael Sytsma.
We are very grateful for the team that has come alongside to support and encourage us personally and professionally, especially Shaunti’s assistants Jeanne Sandecki and Maylynn Wilson, and her project manager, Linda Crews. We are also indebted to our special friends Eric and Lisa Rice, whose input, encouragement, and friendship was invaluable during this process. Thanks also to Dan Knutson and his excellent staff at Higher Grounds in Duluth, GA, who allowed Shaunti to camp out at their coffee shop for months at a time while writing.
We are not quite sure how to adequately thank our exceptional editors, Dave and Heather Kopp, who went way,
way
above and beyond the call of duty, particularly the unexpected duty of taking a huge manuscript and turning it into a book that someone might actually be willing to read. To both of you: We are so grateful for your professional skills, your encouragement, and your friendship. We are also immensely grateful to Don Jacobson and rest of the Multnomah family for their incredible friendship, support, and excellence. You all are such a pleasure to work with!
We also must express our incredible gratitude to our parents, to whom this book is dedicated: Bill and Roberta Feldhahn, and Richard and Judy Reidinger. You know we could never have written this book without each of you, who rode to the rescue time and again to help with kids, household chores, and editing input while deadlines loomed. We love each of you very much and are immensely grateful for your presence in our lives.
To our children: Thank you for being such good little peanuts, and understanding when Mom or Dad had to be locked away with a computer for hours at a time. We adore you, and are so proud of the young lady and young man you are becoming.
Finally, and most importantly, we lift up all praise and honor to the One who truly deserves it. If there is any eye-opening power in this book, it is because of the anointing of the Lord, who cares for His children and wants their relationships to be filled with joy.
Want her to REALLY understand you?
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For Women Only
offers fascinating insights into the hidden lives of men. Based upon a landmark nationwide poll, Shaunti Feldhahn offers groundbreaking information and advises how to convert her findings into practical application.
“If you’ve ever asked, ‘Why does she do, think, or say that?’ then you’ve got to read this book. Shaunti and Jeff not only answer this question, they eliminate the confusion that has kept far too many men from bridging the gender gap.”
—D
RS
. L
ES AND
L
ESLIE
P
ARROTT
Bestselling authors of
Love Talk
“When we featured Shaunti’s book
For Women Only
on
FamilyLife Today,
the phone rang off the hook! When Shaunti and Jeff come back on our broadcast, I’m buying some more phones. This is fresh and relevant—good stuff for every marriage. Read it!”
—D
ENNIS
R
AINEY
President, FamilyLife
“Once again Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn have unearthed a treasure chest of insights that are not only eye-opening, but possibly life-changing.”
—A
NDY
S
TANLEY
North Point Ministries senior pastor and bestselling author
“Most of my work helping passive Christian men become more like Jesus involves how best to relate to women. I’m going to make sure to keep a case of the Feldhahn’s excellent book handy at all times.”
—P
AUL
C
OUGHLIN
Author,
No More Christian Nice Guy
and
Married But Not Engaged
“Men, we’re supposed to love our wives and live with them in an understanding way. That’s the clear assignment God gives each of us in the Scriptures. So buy this book, read it a couple of times, underline a few key ideas, and then keep it where you can review it regularly. It will help you be the husband God wants you to be.”
—B
OB
L
EPINE
Cohost,
FamilyLife Today
FOOTNOTES
*1
Because respondents could choose more than one answer, results do not add up to 100%.
Return to text.
*2
This topic—including how we can see even complaining or criticizing as signals of “I want your love!”—is developed much more in Emerson Eggerichs’s book
Love and Respect
.
Return to text.
*3
That said, if you do find yourself in the 25% of marriages where your wife is the one wanting more, and would like a resource that includes discussion of that situation, we recommend the book
A Celebration of Sex
by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau.
Return to text.
*4
Because women could choose more than one answer, percentages did not add up to 100%.
Return to text.
*5
The book
A Celebration of Sex
by Dr. Douglas E. Rosenau addresses the physiological issues in more detail.
Return to text.
*6
Full quote from Page 125 of
The Alchemy of Love and Lust,
by Theresa
Crenshaw. “The biochemical urge we call the sex drive comes in two basic styles: aggressive and receptive. The aggressive sex drive is controlled not just by testosterone, as most people think, but by vasopressin, DHEA, serotonin, dopamine, and LHRH as well. The receptive sex drive…has been overlooked altogether….Receptive doesn’t necessarily mean passive [but] available, and perhaps willing, but without the initiative to pursue sex.”
Return to text.
*7
Because of rounding, numbers don’t quite reach 100%.
Return to text.
*8
Excludes divorced/separated women (who
still
answered in the 80% range!).
Return to text.
FOR MEN ONLY
published by Multnomah Books
A division of Random House, Inc.
Published in association with Calvin W. Edwards,
Post Office Box 88472, Atlanta, GA 30356
© 2006 by Veritas Enterprises, Inc.
Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from:
The Holy Bible,
New International Version
© 1973, 1984 by International Bible Society, used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House
Multnomah
is a trademark of Multnomah Books and is registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.
The colophon is a trademark of Multnomah Books.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise—without prior written permission.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Feldhahn, Shaunti Christine.
For men only / by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn.
p. cm.
1. Men (Christian theology) 2. Christian men--Conduct of life. I. Feldhahn, Jeff. II. Title.
BT703.5.F45 20062
48.8'42--dc22
2006000677
eISBN: 978-1-60142-209-5
v3.0