FOR MEN ONLY (13 page)

The hard truth is, most women
don’t
just dismiss our sideways glances as “a guy thing.” Look at what one woman wrote us:

I haven’t been able to come to grips with my husband looking at other women. He is not into pornography, for which I am so thankful, but sometimes I see him looking for quite a bit longer than just a glance at other, younger women. I cannot describe the hurt I feel when he allows his eyes to take in every detail. I think otherwise very wonderful men don’t stop to think about how this makes a woman feel. That figure my husband is looking at clarifies for me his deepest physical desires—and I look nothing like that. This leaves me feeling like I can never be what my loved one
really
wants.

It’s news to them…

I was also surprised at how many women had no idea that our visual wiring makes it difficult to
not
notice other women—and how many women have a really hard time with that knowledge. As one wife said:

I find it more than slightly threatening to know that no matter how much I work to be the woman of his dreams, my husband will always feel the pull from others. I appreciate the fact that he struggles to keep his mind on me, but just the fact that he has to struggle at all is so hard for me. It is very difficult to accept the fact that while I can be totally possessed, I can never completely possess.

Remember, women
already
feel that they are in competition with every other beautiful woman—real or imagined—out there. Many women have told Shaunti and me that it’s not that they walk around feeling violently suspicious of where we are looking as much as that they know they live in a culture saturated with options other than
them
. Shapelier options, racier options, younger options, easier options—and they’re now aware that
the man they love is wired to notice every option
. So when he does, it’s hurtful.

Women already feel that they are in competition with every other beautiful woman—real or imagined—out there.

When the mirror shatters

On our survey for this book, although two-thirds of women said they’d be bothered if their man noticed a woman with a great body, only one out of four said they’d be hurt. But when we asked how they’d feel
if they knew their man’s thoughts were lingering on that woman’s body
, the number of women who said they’d be hurt jumped to three out of four, with even higher rates among women under age forty-five. (Shaunti suspects that these numbers would be even higher if women could actually see inside our heads and watch our thoughts like a movie, and I do, too.)

Imagine you are sitting with your husband/significant other in a train station and a woman with a great body walks in and stands in a nearby line. Your husband/significant other glances at her several times and appears quite distracted by her. How does this make you feel? [Choose One Answer]
^*7

Now imagine that in that same situation, you could magically see inside your husband/significant other’s head. If you were to find out that his thoughts were lingering on that woman’s body, would you find it hurtful? [Choose One Answer]

Truth is, most women can’t comprehend why a man would choose or risk such damage. For many, lingering thoughts (and, lets just admit it, lusting) were the same thing as cheating. “A woman whose husband doesn’t control his looking and lusting will start to feel like a failure,” one wife told us. “Why shouldn’t she? Her beauty can no longer measure up to what her husband wants. His eyes speak volumes, so she has no choice but to doubt. But
she
wants to be found worthy in his eyes,
she
wants to be his beauty.”

“A woman whose husband doesn’t control his looking will feel she doesn’t measure up to what he wants.”

As a man who, like you, wants to honor and show love to his wife, I find that woman’s comment—and literally hundreds more like it—very sobering. While most women don’t mind if a husband or boyfriend is truly appreciating beauty (as in, “What a beautiful girl!”), they experience excruciating pain if we look at, linger on, and lust after another attractive female. Their trust in their man’s love gets badly shaken.

Shaking turns to breaking when the other woman or image obviously aims to
provoke
lust. That brings us to porn.

“Porn sends her a clear message…”

“Let’s face it,” wrote one woman, “my husband can’t control what woman will show up at what store or what street at a given time. It’s not as though he’s wishing that woman to appear. Porn, however, is different. Porn is a conscious choice. I think that when a man turns to porn, no matter how infrequently, it sends a clear message to his wife that she is inadequate. It says that no matter how she tries, she can’t satisfy him sexually. Why should she bother trying?”

Unless a woman is naive about the power of porn or has become desensitized to it for other reasons, when her husband uses porn, it
feels
like cheating. And in truth, it
is
cheating. (Jesus’ words come to mind here: “Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”) Even wives who don’t equate using pornography with adultery find the experience excruciating.

The fact is, for all men, this is an area where there really has to be zero tolerance. Obviously that applies to pornography. But it also applies to lingering glances and lustful thoughts. We injure our wife when we look elsewhere for a thrill that we vowed to look for only in her. We shatter our ability to reflect her beauty back to her. And we break her trust.

We Can Send Her Another Message

Since our wife needs to know that we find her beautiful, and she feels protected by knowing that we only have eyes for her, well…we have plenty of opportunities these days to send her that message.

In the mid-‘90s,
Sports Illustrated
did a cover feature, entitled, “St. David,” on David Robinson, the MVP center for the San Antonio Spurs. One segment described how Robinson handled himself, as a professing Christian, husband, and father, in the midst of the NBA’s intense temptations. For example, during television breaks, he would sit on the bench and stare studiously at the floor in order to avoid looking at the gyrating cheerleaders out on the court.

The article also mentioned that like all NBA players, Robinson was constantly approached by attractive women who wanted to talk to him…and were probably offering more than just witty conversation. Apparently, he would rather brusquely brush them off. When asked to comment on that seemingly “rude” practice, he said something like this: “If any woman is going to get her feelings hurt,
it’s not going to be my wife
.”

A protector and hero in action.

“If any woman is going to get her feelings hurt,
it’s not going to be my wife
.”

Each day your wife and mine hold out to us their intense, God-given, little-girl desire (and right) to be treasured. Each day she’s threatened on all sides by an offensive and abusive world. And each day—with kind words and faithful eyes—we, too, can be our wife’s protector and hero.

I
n just a moment, I’ll share my biggest surprise from all my “embedded male” research in interviews, surveys, and websites. But before I do, I want to take you to a different data bank entirely—the mailbag from wives and girlfriends who wrote and e-mailed Shaunti after reading
For Women Only.
Overwhelmingly, they relayed two things: how much they didn’t know that they didn’t know, and how much the relationship had changed once they understood their man’s inner life—and started doing things differently.

The Change in Two That Starts with One

At various points in this book, you may have found yourself saying, “But if she would only be
reasonable
, I wouldn’t have to do all this stuff you’re telling me!” We sympathize with that sentiment because Shaunti and I have each felt it at one time or another in our
own
learning process!

So many of the women who wrote in to Shaunti described the same feeling—“This is unfair, why do I have to do all the work?”—as well as how they came out the other side. Look at this excerpt from one e-mail:

I fought my urge to defend myself and prayed that God would open my heart to consider the possibility that it was me, not my husband, who needed to change. And of course I immediately realized that was true. I was frustrated to know that I had behaved this way for five years of our marriage. But by the end of the book, I “owned” it. And I also realized that if I had the power to destroy my marriage, I now have the power to change and build it up again!

Guys, we could say the same thing. We don’t have to wait until she completely understands us to see positive results. Now that we have more clarity about several key areas of her inner life and needs, the ball is in our court. We’ve now seen over and over that you can be the only person to change in your relationship and
still
expect great new beginnings. Your marriage is definitely worth you taking the first step.

The ball is in our court.

Which leads me to the biggest surprise of all.

The one most important thing…

As you can imagine, being the “embedded male” gave me lots of opportunities to be surprised. But nothing can compare to how I felt when I looked at the end of the survey. After two dozen multiple-choice questions, we gave the survey takers a blank space and asked: “What’s the most important thing you wish your husband/significant other knew, but feel you haven’t been able to explain in a way he understands?”

I assumed that the women would have plenty to say about what their husband didn’t understand, and in all honesty I had to gather my courage to look at the responses. And then I was astonished. Because the top thing that women wished their man knew was this:

You are my hero.

Not always in those exact words, mind you, but invariably with that exact meaning. Over and over again, when women could say anything, they tried to express just how central their man was in their life, how much they admired, appreciated, and needed him, how much they wanted to make him happy, and how grateful they were for such a wonderful husband.

They were saying, in essence, that their husband really
is
the man that they had hoped he would be when they married him. Their average, ordinary guy—the person who sometimes leaves his fly down and the toilet seat up—
is
their knight in shining armor.

Look at what this survey taker said she most wished her husband knew:

That he has made me the happiest woman in the world. I could have never asked for anything more. His love and support throughout our marriage is more than any woman could want. I am so lucky to have found him thirty-two years ago.

“He has made me the happiest woman in the world. I could have never asked for anything more.”

There’s no way in this short space to give you the same sense of surprise that I had as I sat at my computer and scrolled down so many similar survey responses. Here are just a few examples:

• How deep my love and respect is for him.

• How much I appreciate him.

• How much I care for his happiness, feelings, and well-being.

• How much I respect him as a person.

• I would trust him with my life.

• My husband means more to me than words can say. He is the true essence of what I dreamed a husband would be when I was a little girl.

• That I dearly appreciate his hard work.

• That I feel incredibly lucky to be with him today.

• When he puts himself down it hurts me—no one should say bad things about my favorite guy.

They Feel It but Don’t Always Know How to Show It

I had been skeptical when Shaunti proposed this idea, but she suspected from her talks at women’s groups around the country that
most
women really do feel great respect and appreciation for their husband or boyfriend but don’t always
show
it. Often, women simply don’t realize that some of their words or actions actually convey a lack of trust, when, as she says, “that is not the way they feel
at all
!”

So on the survey, we decided to ask the question directly and see what happened. Shaunti guessed that at least nine out of ten women would jump at the chance to confirm that they
did
respect and appreciate their husband or boyfriend…and she was right.

Is this statement true or false? “Although I may not always show it well, I do deeply need, respect, and desire, my husband/significant other.” [Choose One Answer]
^*8

In closing…

I will leave you with this comment from one woman who spoke for many in trying to describe just how important her husband is to her:

My husband smiles at me when he comes home from work and discovers the kids have drawn monsters on my legs with markers. He appreciates egg sandwiches and SpaghettiOs more than a gourmet meal. He believes that I am a better mother, more talented, and a more virtuous person than I actually am…His eternal optimism changes me ever so slightly, day after day, into something much more beautiful than I’d otherwise be. He’s imperfect, puerile, and sloppy, yet strong, wise, and loving.

The fact that I get to live with him over the course of my lifetime is one of the biggest scams I’ve pulled off—I keep waiting for him to wake up, jump over the mound of unwashed clothes, and bolt out the door. But he sees even my imperfections as endearing. Over the past ten years, we’ve both changed. But the one thing that remains constant is my utter and unashamed need of him.

Not to mention, he’s really good in the sack.