FOR MEN ONLY (11 page)

“If you can get the average husband sex even a dozen more times a year, men will build statues to you in city parks across the country.”

1) Pay attention to her—it’s the little things.

Great sex starts with helping your wife feel happy and close to you outside the bedroom.

On the survey we asked each woman who wanted less or the same amount of sex what their husband could do to increase the chances that they would want to make love more frequently. Look at the top three responses:

Are there things that your husband can do to increase the chances that you will want to make love more frequently? Please rate the helpfulness of each of the following statements. [Choose One Answer For Each Statement]

Great sex starts with helping your wife feel happy and close to you outside the bedroom.

Throughout this book, we show that all those “helpful” things that build closeness are really the day-to-day things—like these examples from other chapters:

• Putting your hand on the small of her back to guide her through a parking lot

• Reassuring her of your love when you two are at odds

• Getting up from the dinner table to get the fire starter so she can “close the window” and enjoy dinner

• Listening for her feelings and saying, “I’m so sorry you were disappointed, honey”

2. Give chase, Agent 007. (The time for pursuit is…always.)

I love this comment that came in to Shaunti’s website: “A woman needs to feel sexy to her man. But many men do not spend the time or effort in affirming their spouse sexually
outside
of the bedroom. That means when we’re in the bedroom, it’s difficult for the woman to figure out whether he really wants her or whether he’s just trying to satisfy his own need. A woman who knows she is sexy to her husband outside the bedroom will never have an excuse at lovemaking time!”

Another married woman told us:

Women want to be romantically pursued. It’s as powerful as the man’s sex drive. Men think woman can’t resist James Bond because of his body, his money, or his fast cars. But that stuff is almost irrelevant. James Bond is
romantic
. He pursues a woman, flirts with her, woos her. I think women are a lot more aware of the need to work hard at meeting their man’s sex-drive needs than men are aware of the need to work at meeting her romantic-pursuit needs. Guys have to realize that for a woman, they go hand in hand!

“Women want to be romantically pursued. It’s as powerful as the man’s sex drive.”

Whether it’s calls, notes, conversations, or simply admiring eye contact, the whole point of pursuit to a woman is that you notice her, you’re interested in her, and you belong to her…and she belongs to
you
. Remember chapter 2? There will never be a day when she permanently feels loved. She needs to feel, day to day, that you are choosing her all over again.

3. Warm her up.

Us guys need no transition time and can have sex on our minds with a moment’s notice. But since most women can’t, we need to think about ways to get her “anticipation engine” running several hours in advance.

One woman showed how simple that can be. “One thing that will help get a wife in the mood is something as small as a flirting call or an e-mail. Something like, ‘I saw you getting dressed this morning and I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t wait to see you undress tonight.’”

That’s an easy chip shot if I ever saw one.

That’s an easy chip shot if I ever saw one.

Another woman proposed something that other women agreed might be helpful for some, as “unspontaneous” as it sounds to men:

With kids and jobs, for me, sex needs to be planned and expected or it just won’t happen. He thinks having set days to expect it means that it is just another thing to check off my to-do list. But actually, when I have it in mind to expect it, then it is really a reward at the end of a long day. If I don’t know to expect it, then that
is
when it becomes a chore and just another thing that needs to get done. The planning means I am making him a priority, not putting him on a list.

4. Sometimes, hug her just to hug her.

One main reason to create day-to-day closeness—even if no sex is on the agenda that night—is that women can spot the signs that sex
is
on the agenda and assume that your sweet gestures are not sweet at all, but are just sex-motivated. At its worst, we look like we only care about our wife when we want sex.

Now, us guys know that’s not true. But unfortunately it
is
true that in the busyness of life, we sometimes simply forget about doing the loving little things just because we love our wives, so the thought of sex becomes a sort of trigger to remember to be a bit more attentive.

What that means is that we have
actually
trained our wives to be cynical and suspect total self-interest on our part whenever they see those attentive gestures. So there’s a need for a little reconditioning. We need to hug our wife, send her a sweet e-mail during the day, rub her back, help her out around the house, cuddle with her in bed…and not ask for sex. At least sometimes.

5. Help her around the house. It helps you.

On the survey, about 60 percent of women interviewed said that simple helpfulness around the house would increase the likelihood that they would want to make love more frequently—if only because they would have more energy! As you’d expect, the margin was significantly higher (up to 70 percent) among women who worked outside the home or had school-age kids.

As one stay-at-home mom said, “My husband and I have a little joke between us. I say, ‘Honey, there is nothing more sexy than watching you clean something. And there’s
really
nothing more sexy than watching you clean the toilet!’ It’s all about feeling that he wants to take care of me.”

This is not just anecdotal opinion, either. A recent study by famed marriage psychologist John Gottman found that men who do more housework have both happier marriages
and
better sex lives.

Picking up the broom or doing dishes after a hard day on the job isn’t exactly…well, what you were thinking when you were thinking you couldn’t wait to get home! But as Gottman found, this kind of sacrificial support can often be more impressive than a dozen roses.

6. Don’t take “not tonight” personally—use it as a learning tool.

As we’ve seen, in almost every instance, she doesn’t
mean
it personally, it is not the “rejection” that you think it is, and it says literally nothing about her desire for you. Yes, it
feels
like rejection and it feels personal. But if we can think clearly on this one, we can actually bring more fulfillment to both parties.

Next time, try this: Use her “not tonight, dear” as a learning tool to understand
why
she’s saying no. I’ll bet your eyes will be opened to new ways to love and support your wife that perhaps you hadn’t noticed before. You can get off the merry-go-round of feeling helplessly deprived and actually
do something about it
.

You can get off the merry-go-round of feeling helplessly deprived and actually
do something about it
.

7. Clean up your act.

Several women, upon finding out that we were writing this chapter, asked Shaunti privately, “You will tell them to brush their teeth, won’t you?” Quite a few women told us that the most basic hygiene would make the difference between wanting to be intimate, or not. Back when we were dating, we never would have forgotten to brush our teeth or take a shower before a date—so why do that to our wife now?

As one woman put it, “I want him just to brush his teeth regularly. And I’d like him to shave his face whiskers before we do the wild thing!”

8. When in doubt, ask her.

Just like the existence of this whole chapter, this particular “to do” runs against the grain of my middle-class, Midwestern, don’t-talk-about-sex reticence. While it may not be comfortable, you just need to ask your wife what she likes, what she doesn’t, and how to improve. And make sure she knows that you
want
to know whether she’s not only enjoying the race but also crossing the finish line.

Realize also that if you two aren’t clicking in this area, it’s possible other things could be going on. I’m not an expert, and I don’t even play one on TV, but if your wife seems to love you but avoids sex (or finds it emotionally painful), make sure there aren’t deep-seated issues that need addressing. And if there are, be her advocate in getting the help she needs to address them.

And I know us guys pretend it’s never an issue, but if by chance
you’re
the one experiencing “performance” problems, be brave and seek help from your doctor or counselor. One woman wrote about this, “His unwillingness to seek medical help is breaking my heart.”

You have a lot of life ahead, and your wife wants to enjoy it with you. One wife put it well:

I appreciate feeling like we are team players not just in the bedroom, but in everything. After a long day, I want to feel supported and uplifted, just as he does. And of course, theoretically, a good roll in the hay will do that! But there are times at the end of the day when I feel as if I can’t quite get started. I want him to be sensitive to me and minister to me! He is who I am counting on for this. And I know if I can, he’ll be able to count on me, too.

Inside your smart, secure wife lives a little girl who deeply needs to know that you find her beautiful—and that you only have eyes for her

A
s I write this, our daughter is five years old and definitely at that “Daddy’s girl” stage. She can whack a pretty good line drive for her age. But she’s happiest, I think, when she’s dancing for me in the consignment-store costume dress Shaunti bought for her last year. It’s pink, and has a twirly skirt.

Pink and twirly matters a lot when you’re five. You should see her twirling around our living room. She absolutely beams with delight. Twirl left, pause. Twirl right.

“Daddy, watch!” she calls as she spins and the skirt does its thing. “Daddy, look at me! Do you think I’m pretty?”

If you’ve ever had a little girl twirling around your house, you know what I’m thinking right then.
Lord, just let me hold on to this moment! Please…don’t let my little girl grow up.

That’s what this chapter is about. Because you see, in a way, little girls never really do.

The Girl Inside

Would it surprise you to know that your gifted, hardworking, secure, grown-up wife is still (silently) asking the same question: “Do you think I’m pretty?” Only now it’s you watching. It’s you she’s asking, and you who will decide her haunting question. Not just “Am I beautiful?” But “
Am I beautiful…to him?
”

In a culture where women are bombarded with expectations to lose weight, look younger, look sexy—actually, look perfect—that question has killer consequences. But it also gives clued-in men an opportunity that we didn’t even know we had to affirm our wives in a very important way.

“Am I beautiful…to him?”

On our survey most women told us they had a “deep need or desire” to know that their husband or boyfriend found them beautiful. And younger women were even more likely to have that need. Among women age forty-five and younger, more than three out of four felt this need (77 percent); among women thirty-five and younger the percentage rose to 84 percent.

Regardless of how you think you look, do you have a deep need or desire to know that your husband/significant other finds you beautiful? Which answer most closely describes you? [Choose One Answer]

Women forty-five and younger:

All women:

Women with children at home were also much more likely to have a deep desire to hear that their husband found them beautiful—up to 85 percent of them, depending on the age of the kids. One survey taker said the thing she most wished her husband understood was that “women need to be reassured often that they are beautiful and they are loved.”

The good news is that when their men
do
tell them they’re beautiful, the consequences are…beautiful! Almost 90 percent said it made them feel good or made their day. And that percentage was still huge (77 percent) even among the mostly older women
who said they didn’t “need” to hear it
! Only a tiny number (three percent) said it made no difference.

How beneficial is it to you when your husband/significant other tells you that he finds you beautiful? [Choose One Answer]

One Guy, One Mirror, One Hammer

You might be thinking what Shaunti has already heard from a few skeptical women: Why is this chapter focusing so much on a woman’s “looks”? Shouldn’t we as a society be getting past that? Well, here’s the thing: This
isn’t
really about a woman’s looks. It
is
about what a woman feels about herself, and the fact that her man has a great ability to build her up in that area or to tear her down.

“Wait a minute!” I can hear you saying. “But she
knows
I think she’s beautiful.” Well…does she? Have you told her recently? More recently than that time last year when you two got all dressed up for that wedding?

You
did
tell her she looked beautiful then, didn’t you? Sure you did.

Okay, you
probably
did.

I, too, think my wife is beautiful, but until Shaunti and I talked about this chapter, I realized that I rarely tell her so. It just wasn’t something I thought she needed to hear, or that I needed to do.

Then we talked. Oh boy. All has
not
been well in the land of the free and the home of the Braves.

What I’ve since learned, and what kept surprising me on our surveys, is that even if a woman knows in her head that her husband finds her beautiful,
she still needs to hear it
. And often. Every day is good.

She still needs to hear it:

• no matter how successful, self-assured or mature she is,

• no matter how long you’ve been together,

• no matter how gorgeous other people might tell her she is,

• no matter how moved to tears of gratitude you were last time you said it,

• no matter how old or young she is…

“Even if a woman knows in her head that her husband finds her beautiful,
she still needs to hear it
.”

As it turns out, your wife’s continuing desire to be beautiful
for you
is a deeply rooted need that explains a lot of other behaviors that have baffled men for centuries.

For example, have you ever wondered:

• Why, after trying on outfit after outfit, she gets frustrated and declares that she “has nothing to wear”?

• Why she wants to buy new clothes even if she knows you all are on a tight budget, or even if few of her clothes could possibly be considered old?

• Why she’s always asking you how she looks—when there’s a mirror in the bedroom and the bathroom?

• Why she asks, “Do these pants make me look fat?” when what she really means is, “Tell me I’m not fat”?

• Why it’s such a big deal if your eyes linger on another beautiful woman?

Listen, after an inexcusably long learning curve, I’ve come to realize a few crucial facts about beauty and my wife. These facts are fundamental in every marriage, and have the power to radically change your relationship and mine for the better, beginning with the next words you speak to her.

Fact #1.
Inside my dear wife, that little dancing girl is still very much alive. Only now she twirls for me.

Fact #2.
In our marriage, whether I find her beautiful may or may not be foremost in my mind, but it is an everyday (even if subconscious) issue for her.

Fact #3.
In our house, there’s really only one mirror. And that mirror is me.

Fact #4.
Every day, I can reflect back to her the words she so needs to hear. But if I don’t, I leave her vulnerable to both her inner questions and external pressure from an intimidating world.

Fact #5.
In my hand, I hold a hammer.

I hope you’re beginning to see why a clued-in husband or boyfriend can create so much good, and a clueless one can cause so much damage.

And I haven’t even told you what the hammer is yet.

Every day, I can reflect back to her the words she so needs to hear.

The Ugly Truth About Female Beauty in Our World

Just so you and I know that our wives or girlfriends aren’t the only “body obsessed” or “oversensitive” women around, let’s hear what some women told us about the pressure they feel from our culture and from themselves. It’s almost like they must fight their way through a war zone every day—and men don’t even realize it. Listen in:

• I know in my head that I am not unattractive. I wouldn’t wear a bikini anymore, but people still tell me I’m pretty or that I look really slim in that outfit or whatever. But in my heart, I don’t believe it. Because my head is also very aware of all my flaws, especially since the kids came along. Almost every time I see a picture of myself, I cringe inside. I’m guessing that my husband thinks I’m attractive, but I can’t think of the last time he made it a point to tell me so. If he would, it sure would counter that secret negativity about myself that I feel inside.

• Every day, we are bombarded with these images all around us of how we are supposed to look. We have this fear that we feel like we’ll always have to live up to our husband’s expectation of this perfect Hollywood body image and we know we can’t do that. And somehow we get this idea that if we don’t, oh no, maybe his attention will turn elsewhere. It’s a very insecure feeling, even if it’s totally ridiculous. We may know in our heads that that’s not true, but that “head knowledge” doesn’t do anything to counter that silent insecurity.