FOR MEN ONLY (10 page)

As one book put it, “Receptive doesn’t necessarily mean passive [but] available, and perhaps willing, but without the initiative….”
^*6
Related to this, we received a fascinating e-mail not long ago from a man whose wife had read Shaunti’s book,
For Women Only
.

My wife then explained to me that she simply has no physical drive to pursue sex. When we are having sex, she says that she loves it. The problem is that otherwise, sex just never occurs to her whereas there is never a time when it does
not
occur to me! Thankfully, after reading
For Women Only
, my wife understood how important sex really is to me and has even begun to initiate sex. She does it because she wants to show that she loves me. It works…

In one focus group, a woman said this:

I just don’t feel that drive to go after physical pleasure as often. For me, it’s about once every ten days that
I’m
the one looking for the physical pleasure. The other times are because he needs it. And from my standpoint, it’s time to be together, it’s uninterrupted time, it’s a way to have his undivided attention. Not that it’s not physically great once we get started—it is! It’s just that for me, there’s usually not the drive to start.

         
Lower level of sexually assertive hormones = more susceptibility to nonsexual distractions

Like a noise from the kid’s room. Like a headache. Like stress or leftover thoughts from her day. Like exhaustion.

She’s not making it up. In relation to her lower sex drive, she’s more sensitive to hindrances, and feels them more intensely than you or I would. As one woman said, “For guys, it seems, sex provides relief or escape from exhaustion. For women, we have to pull ourselves out of exhaustion in order to want to have sex.”

She’s more sensitive to hindrances, and feels them more intensely than you or I would.

But there’s reassuring news, too. Not only is the woman in your life not making up the hindrances to sex she experiences,
she would readily change her sexual responsiveness if she could
. Look at the data:

(Answered by women who said they wanted less sex than their husbands.)

If you could magically change your sex drive and/or some of the reasons you don’t want sex as much as your husband does, would you? [Choose One Answer]

You can see that more than eight out of ten wives would prefer to want sex as much as their husbands…if they could. (And among happily married women, that desire was almost 100 percent.)

Truth #2. She needs more warm-up time than you.

A guy’s sexual motor is pretty much always running. Pop the clutch and go. Not so for a woman. But once her sexual motor is warmed up and running, she is fine and raring to go, just like we are.

One respondent told us:

I wish my husband would understand that as much as I love to be intimate with him, there are times when it takes a long time to “get me there.” I have been busy running after kids all day, cleaning, cooking, etc. Sex also helps me to unwind, but I need a little help. He seems to think that just because he is ready and set, I should be too. He gets frustrated because I do not seem like I am enjoying him, but if he would just take his time, we would both enjoy the experience more.

Another woman provided a great word picture.

It’s not that I don’t
want
to make love, but at the end of a long day with four kids, my mind is set on a course like a cruise ship headed for port…port being that quiet bit of space a mom anticipates when the kids are asleep, the chores done, and the house quiet. And just as I’m within sight of that port, my hubby rolls over and says, “Whatcha doing over there?” It’s not that I don’t want to be with him, but, mentally, it’s like trying to stop a cruise ship that’s going full steam ahead and making it turn on a dime. I can’t quite turn off the day and do an about-face in the blink of an eye like he can.

Many other women echoed what one said she most wished her husband knew: “How much I truly and deeply love him, but my body just doesn’t have the same sexual drive as his
until we are engaged in the act
[emphasis mine]. Then I’m
very
into it.”

The “very into it” part is great news. But to get there, what this means in practice is one of two things. Either 1) she needs you to take it slow, to give her brain a chance to catch up, or even better, 2) she needs some “anticipation time.”

Either she needs you to take it slow, or she needs some “anticipation time.”

I know us guys think that if we were desirable enough, sex would just be spontaneous because our wife couldn’t keep her hands off us. But remember—her engine isn’t warmed up yet. Look at the “anticipation” example one woman shared:

My husband and I don’t get too many nights alone, but we carved out a dinner date one night, and while we were having dinner he whispered in my ear, “I can’t wait to get home and have my dessert.” I knew the dessert was me, and I don’t think I’ve ever eaten so fast in my life. I couldn’t wait to get home.

Truth #3. Your body (no matter how much of a stud you are) does not by itself turn on her body.

Maybe you should sit down. Take a breath. Clear that head. Because average male assumptions simply will
not
work here.

Let’s start with how
you
work. Your eyes see an attractive woman, and generally your body registers attraction. Instantly. If the attractive woman isn’t wearing much, your physical reaction is even stronger. It’s like metal shavings getting pulled toward a magnet.

Your wife, though, is not like you. She is not sexually aroused simply by seeing you at your studly best. If you are looking particularly handsome or sexy, she
will
notice, and she
will
find you attractive. But—get this—
her body is still not lusting over your body.

Listen in to an actual conversation one long-married couple relayed to us:

She, delivering the shocking news: “There isn’t one thing about your body that makes me sexually attracted to you and want to go to bed with you.”

He, disbelieving: “I thought I was sexy and good looking. You always told me I was!”

She, calmly: “You are. But that has nothing to do with why I want to have sex with you.”

Noting his blank look, she continues: “Really. Nothing about your naked body makes me hot—that is, until
after
we’re sexually involved.”

He, sputtering: “But…I…how…?”

She, reassuring: “Babe, I like you, and I like your naked body. It’s sweet, actually, and you’re mine. But it’s not like my body is lusting after yours.”

He, grasping: “What…what about me in my black leather jacket? You always come up to me and growl. Are you saying…?”

She: “Nope, even you in that jacket. You look totally hot, mind you, and I do want to be with you.

But I’m just telling you, physically my body does not become sexually aroused
one bit
!”

The truth for all us average Joes is that our wives can find us desirable and attractive—but still not be turned on by that alone. Women get turned on in other, more out of sight but equally powerful ways. And that leads to another fact about sex that most guys have heard over and over…but have never quite come to terms with.

Women get turned on in other, more out of sight but equally powerful ways.

4. For her, sex starts in her heart.

Her body’s ability to respond to you sexually is tied to how she feels
emotionally
about you at the moment. If she’s not feeling anything in her heart, her body’s sex switches are all the way over on “Off.” Even if you put on your black leather jacket.

One consequence: Where you might greatly desire her even though she was rude to you this morning, how
you
treated
her
this morning really matters. She’s not keeping score, by the way. She just can’t help it. For her, those two things—what’s in her heart about you and how she can respond sexually—meld into one.

For her, what’s in her heart about you and how she can respond sexually meld into one.

One woman explained it to her husband this way: “All my power to turn you on is how I look. But where
you
have power, and where I don’t, is how you treated me today. It’s all emotional.”

We talked a lot about your wife’s need for closeness and affirmation—how to “treat her today”—in chapters 2 and 4. Bet you didn’t realize we were talking about sex, too!

Of course, there’s a reverse consequence of her “start in the heart” need: the potential for hurt feelings. Shaunti’s honest thought here is that if a relationship has become strained, and a wife says, “The only time you’re interested in me is for sex,” realize that by definition, she’s feeling neglected—and perhaps even used.

Now, you may be initiating sex
in order
to try to “make it better” and get those feelings of closeness back, but women aren’t wired that way. If they are feeling serious emotional distance or hurt, sex does not fix it—and it may exacerbate it.

Truth #5. She wants pleasure as much as you do—and if it’s not happening, she may be reluctant.

Okay. This might be difficult, but face it we must: Some wives don’t experience pleasure when they are intimate with their husbands. According to our survey, this is only an issue for a relatively small minority—just 16 percent said that was why they desired less sex. But that means it is still an issue in one out of every six or seven marriages. And only if we are willing to bring up this subject with our wife, set aside our defenses, and hear what she has to say, are we going to learn if this has been a reason for her lack of interest.

One woman wrote to Shaunti:

Men think women aren’t as interested in sex as they are. But some men need to know that their wives are just not experiencing sexual satisfaction. Although they might be enjoying the process, they may not be ‘finishing’ it. This is a difficult subject, and many women don’t want to talk about it because they don’t want to depress their husband or make him feel inadequate. So they protect his feelings at the expense of their own. But if a woman isn’t crossing the finish line, running the race just isn’t going to be as important to her—which only makes it easier to find excuses to sit it out.

I suppose you and I only have to think about what it would be like if we always “went there” sexually only to never “get there” to know how frustrating and demotivating that would be.

Clearly, it’s time for you and me to sweep up our rattled egos, maybe throw on our black leather jacket just for luck, and go looking for answers.

A Guide for Ordinary Husbands

When one of my friends heard that we were writing this chapter, he chuckled. “If you can get the average husband sex even a dozen more times a year, men will build statues to you in city parks across the country.”

So the following is my stab at immortality.

Think of these practical suggestions as directions on a map—directions that apply those little-understood truths we talked about and get the two of you where you both want to be.