FOR MEN ONLY (7 page)

She says that if the kids or her mom had been given the choice of the little home in Flint with happy dad or the bigger country home with grumpy dad, it would have been no contest. They all would have chosen happy dad.

“We just wanted happy dad back.”

A Personal Journey Closer to Home

Every guy I know who works hard does it at least in part because he believes he’s doing what is best for the family. Providing for our family is commendable and a biblical injunction. But we must be willing to ask ourselves whether we are delivering what our family genuinely needs, or whether we’ve somewhere bought into some internal or cultural assumptions that might actually be sabotaging what matters most. If so, some adjustments are probably in order.

I realize, looking back, that my own dad
did
make those adjustments. My dad worked long hours in the real estate business—which in the 1970s was often unstable—but when he came home and there was still some daylight left, we always threw the football around. Or he would hit fly balls to my brothers and me in the empty field beside our house. Good times.

We always had a roof over our heads and three meals a day, but I do remember feeling the stress of belt-tightening measures during times when no commissions came in. But here’s the thing: Despite the pressures, and despite knowing that we didn’t have some of the things that other kids had,
because of my dad’s presence in our lives
I have only amazing memories of my childhood. Not a single memory centers on what we lacked, but on the things we did together.

Because of my dad’s presence in our lives, not a single memory centers on what we lacked, but on what we did
together
.

Of course, cutting back financially to improve
real
quality of life does introduce its own stresses. Shaunti and I can attest to that. For the past five years, I’ve struggled to keep a start-up technology company alive while developing a part-time legal practice—all from a home office. Many months, we didn’t know how we were going to pay the mortgage until right before it was due. Yes, that is stressful!

But we have managed, we’ve seen the truth that God always provides, and our family relationships are stronger than they’ve ever been. In fact, during one particularly tough financial season, Shaunti actually got
alarmed
when I floated the idea of going back to a big law firm! And, honestly, I wouldn’t trade the time that I’ve been able to spend with Shaunti and the kids for any high-paying law firm job on the planet.

When she is sharing an emotional problem, her feelings and her desire to be heard are much more important than the problem itself

N
ot long ago, Shaunti and I were cleaning up after dinner when I noticed that she seemed down. She had been working long hours on several projects, so I knew she was tired. She’d also just found out that a hoped-for invitation to talk about
For Women Only
on CNN the next day had fallen through.

Supersensitive guy that I am, I probably would have stayed quiet and given her the space to work through it. But my recent work on mapping the female mind set me up to try something else.
She doesn’t need space,
I realized.
She needs to talk
. So I paused, dish in hand, and asked if she was okay.

She doesn’t need space,
I realized.
She needs to talk.

She sighed. “I’m just a little bummed about CNN,” she said. “I know how networks work. I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up.”

When I asked if she knew why it fell through, she shook her head. “Not really. They said everyone loved the topic, but when they got to the production meeting, some segments had to be cut. Nothing personal.”

Since I really wanted to cheer her up, I decided the time was perfect to give Shaunti one of my best count-your-blessings pep talks. “But wow, think about what an amazing opportunity it is to even be in a position to be
considered
by CNN,” I said.

“I know, but—”

“And think about what a blessing it is to be on
other
radio and TV all the time, to be able to share this message and save marriages.”

“Yeah, but it’s not the same as CNN.”

“Oh, I don’t know. You had five million viewers on that Hollywood talk show last month.” I smiled. “That’s a lot of people.”

To my surprise, my reasonable, well-adjusted wife suddenly got angry. “I’m trying to tell you something, and you’re acting like you don’t even care!” She stood up from the table and seemed to be fighting back tears.

“Huh?” She’d really caught me off guard.

My mind started whirring.
You gotta be kidding me!
I thought.
You think I don’t care? What do you think I’ve been trying to show you? That’s the last time I try to encourage you!
But, of course, I didn’t say any of that. Instead I muttered two tried-and-true gems: “Okay, fine.” Then I shut down and went to see what was on TV.

Does this little scenario strike you as familiar? Here’s the sequence again:

1. She seems to need a listening ear.

2. You care, so you say “What’s up?”

3. She reveals what’s bugging her.

4. You care, so you try to help.

5. She reacts with, “Obviously, you don’t care!”

Later, Shaunti and I both apologized. And later still, we were able to identify the problem in our scenario:
Apparently, what I thought was listening and caring, wasn’t.
Of course, I
was
listening—using my ears, my brains, my stunningly good intentions. Really. Trouble is, it just wasn’t happening in the way that
felt
like listening and caring to my wife.

Apparently, what I thought was listening and caring, wasn’t.

Now that I’ve seen the massive response to this issue from women around the country, I believe that learning to listen in the way women need is a huge missing-in-action skill for most guys. If you’re at all like me, the issue is complicated by more bad news—you already think you listen well. Heck, you think you’re a listening machine, a real superman of sympathy! Most men do. I did.

Chances are, though, we’re not.

But there’s good news. Men might be broke down on this issue, but we’re also just a few steps away from listening habits
that actually work
. Which is what this chapter will show you.

Whether it’s with your girlfriend or your wife, listening to her so she actually
feels
listened to will pay immediate dividends in a deeper, stronger, more rewarding relationship. Why? Because smart listening tells a woman louder than almost anything else that she is known, cared for, and loved. It’s probably not too far off to state that smart listening has more power in her life and heart than—get this—all the things guys do first and best. Like analyzing, rescuing, deciding, doing, helping—or fixing the problem.

Listening to her so she actually
feels
listened to will pay immediate dividends in a stronger, more rewarding relationship.

“She doesn’t want you to fix it.”

We’ve all heard, “She doesn’t want you to fix it, she just wants you to listen.” But even though that phrase is accurate (according to all our interviews), most guys have no idea what it means or how to do it.

I’ll explain
how
in a minute, but first, here’s what it means. Three things:

•
She doesn’t want you to fix it =
she doesn’t actually want or need your solution to the problem, at least at the beginning.

•
She just wants you to listen =
she does want and need you to understand how she’s
feeling
about the problem.

•
“It” =
an emotional problem. This listening rule does not apply to technical conundrums.

Let’s take these one at a time.

“She doesn’t want you to fix it” = she doesn’t need you to fix it.

In case you’re wondering, this doesn’t mean “She doesn’t need you to do nothing.” More on that later. Instead, the key is to understand
why
she’s sharing something. And it’s not—as we think—because she needs our help. In fact, our women usually feel quite capable of solving problems without any help from manly men like us. That’s not what they are looking for—at least at first. Look at the results from the survey.

Even if a man provided a very “reasonable” solution to the problem under discussion, just 5 percent of women said that would actually solve their problem. Add it up, guys. 95 percent of women feel that
a reasonable solution would not solve their problem.

What’s more, fully 60 percent of the women felt the offered solution—no matter how reasonable—was a negative. Some appreciated their man’s suggestion, some didn’t, but the majority felt that it detracted from the sense that he was listening and being supportive.

To see why that is, we turn to the second and most important principle.

Suppose you had a fairly serious conflict with someone important to you, and have been dealing with strong emotions about it all day. That evening, you start to tell your husband/significant other what happened and how you feel about it. After listening for a little bit, he jumps in with a reasonable suggestion for fixing the problem. How is this most likely to make you feel? [Choose One Answer]

“She just wants you to listen” = she wants you to focus on her feelings, not the problem.

She’s not sharing something so you can fix it; she’s sharing it so you can understand how she
feels
about something that is bothering her.

Here’s the thing: For most of our lives, we men have trained ourselves to cut through the clutter of emotion in order to focus on the “real issue.” Instead, we need to grasp the single most important key to being a good listener: For our wife, her negative feelings about a problem
are
the real issue. In other words, the
feelings
are what she is trying most to share and have understood, even more than the problem itself.

We have trained ourselves to cut through the clutter of emotion in order to focus on the “real issue.” But for her, those feelings
are
the real issue.

Her need to get her feelings heard explains something that has confused many of us:
If she doesn’t want me to fix it,
we wonder,
why does she keep talking about it?
Look at these revealing comments from women:

• “Most men feel they have to fix areas of concern for the wife and family. But when he jumps in before I am finished, he proves he isn’t interested in listening to something that is important to me. This leaves me feeling devalued.”

• “A few days ago, I was telling my husband about a long-standing relationship tension I have with someone. It was so sweet that he just listened, showed me his concern and said, ‘I don’t know if it’s going to get better, honey.’ I felt so heard.”

• “Just being able to share what’s going on
actually fixes
something for a woman!”

“Just being able to share what’s going on
actually fixes
something for a woman!”

“It” = an emotional problem, not a technical one.

The “she doesn’t want you to fix it” mantra has confused many of us because we know some situations require a fix. So here’s how you know the difference: If it’s an area of emotional concern, apply listening skills. If it’s not, apply fixing skills.

Apply listening skills to areas that define a woman’s relationships, well-being, and sense of self-worth. Home stresses, for example. Work. Friendships. Conflicts.

You.

This simply doesn’t apply to those times when your wife tells you something is starting to howl under the gear shift in her Toyota and what should we do? In such cases, you can safely put away your gender translation gear. You can even forget her feelings—as in, “Honey, how does that make you feel when the transmission does that?” Just go male and fix away to your heart’s content—as in, “I’ll take it in to the shop tomorrow.”

For any man who wants to be a good listener, the good news is that we don’t have to shut off our “Mr. Fix-it” nature. We just have to apply those skills to the right problem. This kind of response may feel more like
not
responding at first. More like failure or weakness or not caring. But it’s genius—and even relationship klutzes can figure it out.

Just like we did running the bases back in school.

We just have to apply those fix-it skills to the right problem.

How to Listen (Think Baseball)

It’s true; when life gets confusing, I turn to baseball. The elegance of the game. The history. The lazy afternoons in the outfield bleachers. The ’84 Tigers. (Yeah, it’s been a tough couple of decades for me.)

You know I’m right. Baseball explains almost everything.

So okay, here’s my guide to running the listening bases. I doubt base running is how marriage counselors define good listening, but it works, it’s supported by the evidence, and it’s a plan I can remember.

•
First Base:
Give her your full physical attention.

•
Second Base:
Give her your full mental attention.

•
Third Base:
Listen for the right thing—how she
feels
about the problem.

•
Home Plate:
Acknowledge and affirm her feelings about the problem.

Now you probably think you already know
and
do all these things. But let’s take the bases one by one, adding what most men
think
they mean.

Rounding First

Give her your full physical attention.

(What most men think: “I can listen well even if I’m doing something else.”)