For the Rush (Playing for Keeps #3) (13 page)

Holden

School was closed the remainder of the week after the shooting. Counselors were on-site for parents and students to talk to, but I had no desire to set foot on that campus. I knew I would have to next week, but I was in no hurry to get back. Just the thought of being in that cafeteria turned my stomach. I’d hardly slept since the incident. And when I did sleep it was plagued with nightmares of guns, blood, and dead bodies.

Today was Ryan’s memorial service, and I was dreading it with every ounce of my being. Over the last few days there were moments when I could pretend this was all a dream. That I’d run into Ryan next time I went to school. He’d be an ass, and I’d call him on it. Then he’d razz me about football or something. But I knew that after today there would be no pretending. The service would make it all too real. And I wasn’t sure I was ready for that.

My arm still hurt like crazy, but it was nothing compared to what I felt inside. Not only had I lost my best friend, but I felt like I’d lost Chloe too. The truth was that I wasn’t sure I ever really had her. But I wanted her. And now it didn’t seem like that would happen. She hadn’t returned any of my phone calls or texts since the night of the shooting. I knew she blamed herself, and I wished there was some way I could make her see that it wasn’t her fault.

I wasn’t sure it was any one person’s fault. It seemed to be that the culpability lie with all of us. We all had a hand in what happened this week. Sure, I’d never bullied Preston, but I hadn’t stopped it either. Ryan teased the poor kid endlessly. But did he deserve to die for that? I didn’t think so. Then again, I knew Ryan in a way no one else did. So maybe I was biased. I felt bad for Preston, but I didn’t think anything justified what he did. Still, I wish I could go back in time and do things differently. I wish I had the opportunity to help Preston. Maybe even be his friend. Too bad it had to take this kind of tragedy for me to feel this way.

But I’d never been as kindhearted as Chloe. That’s why it killed me that she thought this was her fault. She was the kindest person I knew. She didn’t deserve to feel the way she did right now. Honestly, I understood why Preston went after Ryan. Sure, I didn’t agree with it, but I got it. He must have been plotting his revenge against Ryan for years. But I’d never understand why he went after Chloe. She’d done nothing but treat him nicely.

“Ready, Holden?” Mom entered my bedroom wearing a simple black dress, her hair swept back.

“Can you help me with my jacket?” I asked.

“Of course.” She snatched my black jacket off the bed and assisted me in putting it on. Having full range of motion in my arm was something I’d never take for granted again. I wondered if I’d ever get used to this damned cast. I had to wear a short-sleeved shirt since my dress shirt didn’t fit over it. And now the jacket didn’t either, so Mom draped it over my arm and helped me secure the sling. It looked stupid, but it would have to do. “You look nice,” she said, and I figured it was the obligatory mom thing to say.

James appeared in the doorway. “We better get going.”

Mom nodded and moved toward him. After one last glance in the mirror, I followed them. When I got in the hallway, James stopped me. Mom was already nearing the front door.

“I know we’ve gotten off to a rocky start,” James said, “and I know I’m not your dad, but if you ever need a man to talk to, I’m here for you.”

I cleared my throat, not wanting to lose it quite yet. I’d save that for the ceremony. “Thanks. I appreciate that.”

“You guys coming?” Mom called.

“Yes,” James answered her, and together we headed down the hallway. It was grey and dark outside, clouds looming overhead. As I shivered, I thought about how fitting it was. The day of the shooting it had been warm and sunny. It seemed wrong that the sky could be cheery when something so horrific was happening. Normally I hated colder weather, and I despised the rain and wind. But I found myself hoping for rain today. Hoping the heavens would open up and pour water down on us. Flood the whole damn town. I didn’t care. Maybe it would be good.

Maybe it would wash us all clean.

However, it never rained on the way to the church. When we arrived, the parking lot was full. I recognized many students from the school huddled together. Near the entrance to the church I spotted Ryan’s mom, and my heart stopped. I’d been to Ryan’s house countless times over the years, and while I couldn’t stand his dad, I always got along well with his mom. She was friendly and easy to talk to. But I had no idea how to speak with her today. What did you say to someone who’d just lost their son?

I exited the car and mournfully headed toward the church. I caught sight of Bethany, but when she waved in my direction I lowered my head and ignored her. The last person I wanted to see right now was Bethany.

“Hey, man.” Sawyer slapped me on the back.

“Hey.” It was odd seeing Sawyer in a suit. Even odder that Ryan wasn’t here to call him Riddles. Everything about this felt wrong.

“How’s your arm?”

Mom and James passed us. Mom threw me a look to make sure I was okay. I waved her on.

“It’s all right. It’ll heal. Not in time to finish up this season, but hopefully I can play next year.” It worried me that I’d been injured my senior year. My goal had always been to play college in football, and now I wasn’t sure that would happen. But my concerns seemed insignificant when I was about to attend my best friend’s memorial service. Ryan would never go to college. He’d never throw a football again. His injuries would never heal.

“Sorry about that, bro.”

“Thanks.” I sucked in a breath. People were making their way inside.

Sawyer glanced at the church. “It doesn’t seem real, does it?”

“Not at all.”

“I wish it wasn’t.”

“Me too, man.” I took a step forward, steeling myself for the service when I saw her. She was walking from the parking lot wearing a short black dress, her head down, her hair obscuring her face. “Hey, I gotta take care of something. Head on in. I’ll be there in a minute.”

Sawyer nodded and walked off. I raced toward Chloe as fast as I dared with my injured arm. I had to be careful not to jostle it too much.

“Chloe,” I hollered as I neared her.

Her head whipped toward me. “Holden.”

Hearing her say my name was like a balm to my soul. For the first time in days I felt my chest expand. “I’m glad you came.”

She looked around nervously. “I wasn’t sure if I should, but it felt like the right thing to do.”

I stepped forward, my fingers closing around one of her arms. She flinched, but didn’t pull away. “Have you watched the news at all?”

“Not really. I don’t need to. I know what happened.”

I knew the demons in her eyes reflected my own. We’d seen unspeakable things. Things no one should ever have to see. And I understood her need to not be reminded of it. “Preston was sick, Chloe. He’d been obsessed with violence and revenge for years.”

Agitated, she shook her head. “I don’t want to hear this. It’s not why I came. I just want to put it all behind me.”

“That’s what I’m trying to help you do.”

“By throwing it in my face?” Her voice rose and her gaze shifted. A few people looked over at us. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I don’t want to cause a scene. Why don’t we go inside and pay respects to your friend?”

Music sounded from inside. I sighed. “Sit with me.”

She paused.

“Please?”

“Fine.”

I snatched up her hand and guided her inside. We found some empty seats in a pew near the back and slipped into them. Chloe tugged on the bottom of her dress, pulling it down over her legs. The black dress against her pale skin reminded me of the first time we met – of her black bikini. If only we could go back to then. Go back to when things were simple.

Go back to when life was carefree.

Chloe

I told myself I was going to Ryan’s memorial service because it was the right thing to do. But who was I kidding? I wanted to see Holden, plain and simple. However, it seemed wrong to be thinking about a boy when people had lost their lives this week. Our school had suffered a horrible tragedy, and that was so much more important than my crush on a boy.

Still, I ended up going to the church. And now I was glad I had. Holden was genuinely happy to see me when I showed up. He held my hand through the entire service as if drawing strength from my presence. When it ended, he made me promise to wait for him so we could talk. I wanted to say no. Holden had so much on his plate right now. Worrying about me shouldn’t be something he had to concern himself with. But when his eyes met mine, I couldn’t refuse him. Instead, I nodded and headed outside to wait while Holden spoke to Ryan’s family.

Hugging myself, I shivered. I stayed close to the church, hidden under the large awning. The clouds were even darker than when I’d arrived. It looked like it would rain any minute. Cold wind blew over my skin, causing goosebumps to rise on my arms.

“Hi, Chloe.”

I looked up to see Holden’s mom approaching.

“Hi.”

“It’s nice to see you again.” She surprised me by flashing a genuine smile. I figured she’d hate me. I was the reason her son had been injured, after all.

“Nice to see you again too,” I answered honestly. From over her shoulder I caught Bethany and her friends peering at me. It made me even more grateful to be chatting with Holden’s mom.

A nice-looking man wearing a suit came to join us.

“James, this is Chloe. She’s a…” Holden’s mom stopped as if trying to figure out what to call me. “a friend of Holden’s.”

“Nice to meet you.” James stuck out his hand.

“You too.” I shook his hand.

Holden swaggered up behind him. I couldn’t help but appreciate how good he looked in his suit. Remembering where I was, I shook away the thoughts. Holden placed a hand on his mom’s shoulder.

“Are you ready?” His mom asked.

“Um…” he glanced over at me, a question in his eyes. “I think I’ll catch a ride with Chloe.”

My stomach flipped.

“If that’s okay with you?” He raised a brow.

I hesitated, but those dark eyes won me over every time. “Okay.”

“Be careful.” His mom pointed her finger at him. Then she turned to me. “Make sure he doesn’t overexert himself. He needs to be careful with his arm.”

“I’ll make sure of it.” I nodded.

She blew out a reluctant breath. “All right. Be home soon.” After patting his cheek, she and James headed out into the parking lot.

“Thank you.” Holden grinned at me. “Mom’s been breathing down my neck for days. I needed a break.”

“Glad I could be of service.” It was weird bantering with him like nothing had happened. Like this huge event hadn’t ripped our world apart.

“Wanna get outta here?”

I nodded.
More than anything.

We got in my car, and I immediately turned on the heater. Warm air spilled from the vents, warming my icy fingers. Since I still wasn’t entirely familiar with Folsom, Holden directed me and we drove out to the lake. After parking, we walked down near the water and sat on picnic bench. I wasn’t sure what we were doing out here. It wasn’t exactly the kind of weather for an outdoor activity. As the clouds rolled overhead, the sky around us turned even darker. Wind whipped through the trees. Holden moved closer to me, wrapping his good arm around me and drawing me toward him until my back was flush against his chest.

“I’ve missed you,” he said.

I wanted to tell him I’d missed him too, but the words lodged in my throat.

“Why have you been avoiding me?” He asked.

Way to get right to it.
I stared out at the water. It rippled in the breeze. The scent of damp earth washed over me. “I guess I just feel so bad about everything that happened.”

“Chloe, you can’t blame yourself for what happened. Like I was trying to tell you before. The police have been investigating, and according to the news reports, Preston has been planning something like this for a long time. Long before you came to town. In fact, a couple of years ago he was suspended for threatening to shoot up the school during an assembly.”

I stiffened. That’s what Jasmine and Gianna had alluded to awhile back when they were warning me to stay away from Preston. “If he was a danger, why was he still at this school? And better yet, why wasn’t the school doing anything about the bullying?”

Holden shook his head. “Apparently the bullies were talked to. They apologized and said they’d stop.”

I was shocked at the ignorance of the school staff.

“And Preston had been forced to see a school counselor for awhile, but apparently she thought he’d made great progress.”

“Yeah. Clearly.” I snorted.

“And it’s not like he had a weapon or anything,” Holden continued. “His house was apparently searched at the time of his suspension and they found nothing incriminating. It sounds like they’d just chalked it up to a kid getting angry and lashing out.”

The whole thing was baffling to me. “It’s sickening that no one tried to help him even after he’d clearly been crying out for it.”

“You did.” His grip on me tightened. “You tried to help him. Don’t ever forget that.”

“But it wasn’t enough.” Disentangling myself from Holden, I sat up. “And now everything is ruined.”

“No, everything is not ruined. We’re still here.” He scooted toward me, his hand lighting on my face.

Tears filled my eyes. “I can’t do this, Holden.” I pulled back.

“Do what?”

“This.” I pointed between us.

“Why not?”

“It just doesn’t seem right. Not now. Not after everything that’s happened.”

“I think it’s right because of what happened.” He reached for me again, his hand curving around my face. It felt good, and I didn’t want to pull away. “If I’ve learned anything this week, it’s that life is fleeting. You have to grab hold of things while you still have the chance. I’ll never have another opportunity to talk to Ryan, or apologize to Preston. But you and I still have moments left. Moments we can spend together.” He moved so close his warm breath fanned over my face. “Chloe, when Preston pointed that gun at you, I realized how much I cared about you. How much I didn’t want to lose you. And I still don’t.”

I thought about what Holden had sacrificed to save me. How he risked his chance of ever playing football for me. “I don’t want to lose you either.”

“Then stop pushing me away. Let me help you.” His lips brushed over my cheek. “Let’s help each other.”

I felt heady. A small raindrop hit my face, and then another and another. Dropping my head back, I stared up at the clouds just as they opened up, rain pelting my skin. Warm lips skated across my neck. I inhaled sharply. Lowering my head, I stared into Holden’s eyes. They were filled with a hunger that warmed my insides. His fingers slipped beneath my hair as his lips crashed into mine. There was nothing soft about his kiss. It was deep and hard and stole my breath. Rain cascaded over us as his mouth moved deftly, skillfully over my lips. My hands gripped his shirt, clinging to him as if my life depended on it. In his kiss, he released all his pain and desperation, and I realized he was saving me once again. He was saving me with every push and pull, every tender touch. And he was reminding me that I was worthy of pleasure and happiness. That in the midst of pain there can be beauty.