For the Rush (Playing for Keeps #3) (16 page)

Holden

I knew it would be bad news the minute the name came up on my caller ID. My dad never called out of the blue. Hell, he rarely called when he was supposed to. And I hadn’t heard from him in months. Not even after the shooting. I figured he had to have heard about it. Every single news show across the country had aired it. In the week following, I had expected a text at the very least. But I got nothing. Now two weeks later he was calling. A part of me hoped he was finally calling to check on me. Better late than never, right?

But I should’ve known better.

“Hey, son.” I hated how his voice brought out the little boy in me. As upset as I was with my dad, deep down I longed for him in a way I couldn’t explain.

“Hey,” I attempted to sound nonchalant, so he wouldn’t realize how much I had missed him. How desperately I desired a relationship. I closed my bedroom door even though no one was home. Then I perched on the edge of my bed, pressing the phone to my ear.

“I um…kind of have some news,” he stammered, and it took me aback.

Dad wasn’t the stammering type. He didn’t get nervous. He was always confident and self-assured.

“Good news?” For a split second I thought it was going to be like one of those Lifetime movies my mom watched. That he was going to tell me he had terminal cancer or something. Wouldn’t that be just my luck? Dad would finally want a relationship with me and he’d be dying.

“Yeah,” he said, but it came out sounding more like a question than a statement.

My stomach rolled, and I wished I’d never answered the phone. When would I learn to listen to my gut?

“You remember Arianna, right?”

“Yeah.” How could I forget the woman he’d left my mom for?

“We sort of got married last weekend.”

“Sort of?” I wasn’t sure how you
sort of
got married. It seemed like the kind of thing you had to do all the way.

“Well, yeah. We eloped. I would’ve told you about it sooner, but it was kind of a last minute decision.”

He would’ve told me about it sooner. Not invited me. No, that was never in the plan. And who the hell made a last-minute decision to get married?

“Um…” I fumbled around in my mind for something to say. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks. She’d been begging me to make an honest woman out of her for awhile, and I figured that if we were going to do it we needed to do it now.”

It was clear there was more to this story. “Why now?”

Silence. My insides clenched.

“Arianna is pregnant. Due any day now.”

“And you’re just now telling me. Isn’t a pregnancy nine months?” In nine months he couldn’t tell me this?

“It just never seemed like the right time, I guess. And I had other things on my mind,” Dad explained like it was no big deal. “We’re having a boy.”

I wasn’t prepared for the jealousy that shot through me like a knife to my heart. He sounded so damn happy about having a son. But yet he had a son sitting right here. A son he’d abandoned years ago and never given the time of day. And now this son would have all his attention and love. It didn’t seem fair. The kid hadn’t even been born yet, and I already hated him. And I hated myself for feeling this way. What kind of person hates an unborn baby?

Realizing that I hadn’t said a word, I forced myself to speak. “I’m um…happy for you. But I gotta go.” Quickly I hung up and flung the phone down on my bed. He hadn’t even bothered to ask how I was. To find out what I’d been up to. I suppose it didn’t shock me. He’d never been interested in me. But it didn’t make it hurt any less.

Angry, I stared out at the window. The sky was darkening, stars beginning to appear in the sky. The cool air beckoned me, the night sky calling my name. I needed to get out of here. Get some fresh air. I knew I couldn’t drive, but maybe a walk would do me some good. One thing was certain: I couldn’t sit in here and mope all night.

The minute I stepped outside a cool breeze whisked over my skin. I inhaled the crisp night air, allowing it to fill my lungs. The scent of wet grass and asphalt lingered, reminding me of evenings spent outside with Ryan. When we were younger we’d ride bikes or skateboards out in the street. The ache of missing him spread through my chest, making it difficult to breathe. If he was still alive I’d head over to see him right now. We’d always bonded over our shitty fathers, so I knew he’d understand what I was going through right now. It’s not like we’d have a heart-to-heart or anything like that. Those weren’t really our style. If my arm were better we’d probably just throw the football. But since that would be impossible tonight he’d let me talk shit about my dad and he’d make some lame jokes about his. Either way, I’d feel better. Not so alone.

I thought about walking to Chloe’s. She was only about a twenty minute walk away. But I decided against it. I wasn’t sure if we were at the place in our relationship where I should unload this kind of crap on her. Right now she saw me as tough, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to change that quite yet. So if I couldn’t talk to the living, breathing Ryan, I figured I’d go for the next best thing.

And that’s how I ended up in the cemetery.

Ryan’s headstone was easy to find. It was covered in flowers and football memorabilia. I knew the cheerleaders had been coming out here and leaving him things. It was odd since he’d fooled around with almost all of them, and rarely treated them with respect. But now that he was gone they all acted like he had been their favorite person on earth. Death was funny that way. Made you only remember the good.

Shoving a bouquet of flowers out of the way, I lowered myself onto the ground. The grass was a little wet, and it seeped into my pants. But I didn’t care. I’d never been in a cemetery before. Never visited anyone’s grave. I knew my grandpa was buried in a cemetery in Sacramento. My mom used to make trips there to leave flowers on his grave, but I never wanted to join her. Even as a child I knew Grandpa wasn’t really in the ground. I’d like to believe he was in heaven, soaring above the clouds. The thought of him buried beneath the dirt with the worms and insects made my skin crawl. I couldn’t understand why Mom would subject herself to that mental image. Why she would go talk to a stone.

But now I understood.

It wasn’t like I thought Ryan was in the ground. Truth is, I had no idea where someone like Ryan went. Heaven seemed like a long shot, but I still wanted to picture him there. Regardless, this was where his physical body was. And being here made me feel closer to him somehow. I guess cemeteries aren’t really about the dead. They’re about the living.

They give us a place to find peace. To find closure.

Taking a deep breath, I read the tombstone. Read over Ryan’s stats. I’d always known his birthdate. It was the end date that caused my throat to constrict.

“I can’t believe you’re really gone, man,” I spoke into the air. It was still and quiet, not a soul in sight. Yet, I felt like I wasn’t alone. Like someone was listening. I hoped it was Ryan. “I’ve been kind of mad at you. I know it was technically Preston’s fault that you’re gone. But I keep thinking about how you treated him, man. And sometimes I think I understand why he did it.” I swallowed hard, embarrassed by what I was about to admit. “Sometimes I think you deserved it.” I ran a hand through my hair. “And then I feel like shit for thinking that. You were my best friend, Ry. But you could be a complete ass sometimes.” I grunted in frustration. “God, my emotions are all over the place. I don’t even know what I feel most of the time.” Pausing, I glanced down, my gaze catching on a football propped up against the headstone. Reaching out, I ran my fingers along the rippled leather. “But I do know I miss you.” I picked up the football and palmed it. “I wish I could toss the football with you one more time. Who’s gonna have my back now?”

“I will.”

Flinching, my head whipped in the direction of the voice. “Oh, hey, Riddles.”

“You called me Riddles.” He smiled, reminding me that I hadn’t called him that since Ryan died. But it felt appropriate now.

“Yeah, I did.” I lowered the ball back on the ground. “Have you come here before?”

Sawyer nodded. “Guess I’m just hoping for some peace.”

I pushed myself up to a standing position and dusted off my jeans. “I think we all are.”

“But I meant what I said, I’ve got your back, man.”

“Thanks.” I clamped my hand down on his shoulder. “And thanks for talking to Chloe. You really helped to smooth things over.”

“I’m glad.”

Nodding, I stepped past Sawyer. “I’ll give you some privacy.”

“He really didn’t deserve it,” Sawyer spoke softly. It made me wonder how much he’d heard.

“I know,” I said.

As I walked away from him, my gaze caught on the name written across a tombstone not far from Ryan’s. As if drawn by an unseen force, I moved toward it. There was only one sad bouquet of flowers on top, not nearly the display Ryan had. I read Preston’s name and stats, sadness filling me. I pictured his freckled face with glasses perched on his nose. Lifting my arm, I traced his name with the pads of my finger. “I’m sorry, Preston. Sorry for everything. I hope now you can find some peace.”

After walking out of the cemetery I roamed the streets nearby, not really sure where to go now. Talking to Ryan’s gravestone hadn’t exactly given me the peace I was searching for. Maybe it was a futile search. Maybe it was nowhere to be found. Still I walked. I strolled down Sutter Street in Old Town, peering into the brightly lit shops and restaurants. Stared at the happy people, laughing and chatting over drinks and food. Envy coursed through my veins, and I wondered if I’d ever feel that carefree again. Sure, I experienced moments. Like when Chloe and I were together. But even then Ryan’s death and my dad’s absence lingered at the fringes, just waiting to be noticed. Just waiting to be in the spotlight once again.

I passed a small diner, my gaze catching on a couple sitting near the window. Recognition slammed into me, fast and hard. So hard I almost fell over from the force of it.
What the hell?
All the pent up anger and frustration that had been building for weeks spilled out of me. Without bothering to weigh the consequences of my actions, I tore open the door to the diner and stalked inside.

“What’s going on? Who is this?” I demanded as I approached the table.

James’s face reddened. “It’s not what you think.”

The woman sitting across from him appeared stricken, her mouth gaping open. It reminded me of Arianna’s expression when I first found out about her. I didn’t fall for my dad’s act then, and I wasn’t falling for James’ now.

“You made me believe you were different than him, but you’re not. Not one bit.” Drawing back my one good arm, I took aim and landed my fist right in James’ lying face.

Chloe

“Holden, what happened?” At first when I opened the door to find Holden on my front porch, elation had filled me at his unexpected visit. But when I caught sight of his ravaged expression, his busted knuckles and disheveled appearance, that quickly dive bombed like a kite when the wind has died down.  I was glad my parents were out tonight. They liked Holden and I wanted to keep it that way.

“Found out that along with writing, I can also throw a mean punch with my left arm.” He shrugged. “Never realized I was ambidextrous until this week.”

I wanted to laugh at his joke, but my mind was still stuck on one thing. “You punched someone?”

He nodded.

“Who?” Together we walked into the living room. I had been studying when he showed up, and my math textbook was open on the end table. Reaching down, I slammed it closed and then plunked down on the couch.

Holden sat next to me. “My stepdad.”

“Oh, my god. Why?” I searched his face and arms for bruises. “Did he hurt you?” He’d never mentioned that his stepdad was abusive.

“No. It was nothing like that.”

I glanced down at his knuckles, dotted in dried blood. Wincing, I stood. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve gotten a rag or bandaids or something. You just caught me off guard.” I thought hard. “I think we have a first aid kit in the upstairs bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

Holden nodded as I hurried out of the room. Taking the stairs two at a time, I made it into the bathroom at the top. After rifling through the cabinet under the sink, I located the first aid kit. A layer of dust covered it. Most likely we hadn’t used it since Cole lived here. He was the accident prone one in the family. I wet a rag and then carried the rag and first aid kit down the stairs. Holden sat on the couch staring off into space when I entered the family room. I knelt down in front of him and gently picked up his hand. Then I swirled the rag over his cuts. He winced a couple of times, a hissing sound escaping through his teeth. Once the dried blood was gone, I cleaned it further with some alcohol wipes and then pulled out a couple of bandaids.

“Thanks,” Holden said as I covered his cuts with the bandaids.

“Of course. I’m always here for you.”

“That means a lot. Especially tonight.” He pressed his lips together, darkness flashing in his eyes.

“What happened?” I dropped the bandaid wrappers on the ground and looked into his eyes. The sadness I saw inside cut to my heart.

“My dad called to tell me his girlfriend…well, his wife now…is having a baby boy.” He hung his head.

Usually a baby was good news, but it was obvious this was one instance where it wasn’t. “And you’re not happy about that?” I was trying to understand.

“He seems happy about it, Chloe. Happy that he’s having a son. But he’s never wanted anything to do with me. And now I’m sure that he never will.”

My heart went out to him. “I’m sorry.”

“God, Chloe.” He frowned. “I’ve lost my best friend and now my dad. I feel like I’m losing everyone.”

Scooting forward, I touched his face. “You’re not losing me.”

His head lifted, his gaze colliding with mine. Sliding off the couch, he dropped to his knees in front of me. His good hand curled around my waist, his cast nudging me in the other side. There was a desperation in his eyes I’d never seen before, and it caused a funny feeling to stir in my belly. Angling his face, he moved closer until our lips were almost touching. Then he licked out his tongue, flicking it over my lip. I held my breath, enjoying the sensation. He took his time as if he was trying to memorize every inch of my mouth. Then he teased it open. I obediently parted my lips, allowing his tongue to slide inside my mouth. His hand tightened around my waist, his fingers digging into my flesh. I reached out my arms, holding onto him tightly. He applied more pressure with his lips, his tongue dancing with mine. The kiss started slow, but quickly intensified. It was like our marching band show which started out quiet, then built into the loud climax, only to retreat into quiet and subtle again. And like our marching band show, I kept up. I moved in sync with Holden, matching him move for move. I lost myself in his touch the same way I lost myself in my music. It was what I needed right now. To escape. To forget. To feel wanted. To feel worthy. And Holden made me feel that way. He made me feel it in the way he kissed me, in the gentle way his fingers touched my skin. In the deep moan at the back of his throat and the way he didn’t seem to want to stop. When we finally parted, his forehead fell to mine.

“You’re the only thing that makes sense right now,” he whispered.

I looped my arms around his neck, running my fingernails over his skin. “Why did you fight with James tonight?”

“I saw him out with another woman, and I lost it. I had just found out about my dad, and then I went to Ryan’s grave. It was all too much, and I ended up hitting him.” He pulled back from me and sat on the edge of the couch. “It was stupid.”

I followed him. “No, it wasn’t. You were defending your mom. It makes total sense.”

“Only I was wrong. He wasn’t cheating on my mom.” Shame was written across his features.

“What was he doing with the other woman?”

“Apparently she was an ex-girlfriend, and she’s on the admissions board at Oceanside University.” He glanced over at me. “That’s where I’ve wanted to go since I was a little kid.”

“Really?” It seemed almost too good to be true. “It’s one of my top three choices too. I’ve already applied. Just waiting to hear back.”

“You’re not shitting me, are you?”

I shook my head. “No. They have an amazing music program.”

“And football program.”

“I had heard that.” I smiled, my head still reeling from his confession. What were the chances that we would both have our sights set on the same college? Then again, I always seemed to be surprised at how alike Holden and I were. Maybe not on the outside, but at the core of who we were.

“Anyway, my dad had a college fund set up for me years ago, so my mom hasn’t worried about setting any money aside for me. But apparently when Dad found out he and Arianna were bringing a bouncing baby boy into the world, he transferred the fund over to his new son.”

I gasped, my hand flying to my mouth. “Oh, Holden. I’m so sorry.” There weren’t any words that were adequate at this point, and I felt at a loss.

“Yeah, pretty crappy, huh?” Bitterness tinged his tone, not that I blamed him one bit. “So that’s why James has been working extra hours. To start a college fund for me. And he was meeting with that lady to see if she could pull any strings to help me get a scholarship. It seemed like I was a shoe-in for one until I broke my arm.”

“It’s awful what your dad did. But it’s really great what James and your mom are doing for you. They must love you a lot.”

A small smile flickered on Holden’s face. “I’ve always wanted a dad who truly loved me. One who believed in me and wanted the best for me. Tonight I realized that my dad will never be that guy.”

My heart lurched at his words. I racked my brain for something to say to make it better, but came up with nothing.

“But I also realized that maybe I can still have that…with James.”

I stared at the bandaids across his knuckles. “How bad is he hurt?”

Holden chuckled. “Not bad. Just a black eye.” When I furrowed my brows, he added, “Oh, I didn’t cut my knuckles on his face. I was so angry with myself I ended up slamming my fist into the side of the restaurant when I left. Stupid, huh?” He threw me a sheepish look.

I shook my head. It was stupid, but I understood his frustration. Shame can make you do funny things. “What’s going to happen when you get home? Is James really upset?”

“No, actually. He already forgave me. In fact, he commended me for sticking up for my mom. Told me he liked knowing that I had her back.”

“Sounds like a good guy.”

“Yeah, he is.”

“And so are you.”

Holden’s eyes met mine. “Thanks for everything. I don’t know what I would have done tonight without you.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”