For the Rush (Playing for Keeps #3) (15 page)

I knew he meant what he said. Shame and guilt were clearly etched on his face. Too bad it didn’t change anything. Too bad we didn’t get do-overs. What was done was done.

There was no going back.

Holden

I was still angry when she showed up at my house that night. But she looked so damn hot, it was hard to stay that way. No one else in the world could look that sinfully good in jeans and a t-shirt. But this girl rocked everything she wore. However, no matter how good she looked it couldn’t take away how upset I was. It hurt me that she was so quick to think the worst of me. And to believe a liar like Beth over me added fuel to the fire. In the short time we’d known each other we’d been through a lot, and you’d think that she would trust me by now. How many times did I have to prove myself to her?

“Can we talk?” Her voice was small, unsure. So unlike her.

I’d never heard her like that, and it caused some of my anger to dissipate. “Okay.” Mom and James had gone out to dinner, so the house was empty and quiet. They’d invited me to come, but I didn’t feel like it. Stepping back, I swept my good arm out in an effort to usher Chloe inside.

Timidly, she stepped in. The way she was behaving made me want to grab a hold of her. To kiss her. To wake her up. To see that fire that she carried inside. This shell-shocked, shaky thing in front of me didn’t resemble the girl I’d been dating at all. But I couldn’t bring myself to touch her. Not until I knew how she felt about me.

Not until I knew that she trusted me.

I closed the front door. Chloe stood near the wall in the entryway as if scared to go any further. Or maybe she didn’t feel welcome. And I wasn’t sure how welcome I wanted her to feel.

“Sawyer came by my house.” She clasped and unclasped the hands at her sides. “He told me that it was he and Ryan who talked to Preston. Not you.”

“So now you believe me? Because Sawyer said something.” A bitter chuckle erupted from my throat. “Well, good to know you can trust him. Maybe you two should start dating.”

“Holden.” She sighed. “It’s not like that.”

“Then what is it like?” I snapped. “You believe Beth, who you know is a liar and a cheat, over me. And you only believe me now because my friend vouched for me.”

“It’s more complicated than that.”

“Not to me it’s not,” I said. “I trust you unequivocally. I would never believe someone else over you. But you don’t feel the same way about me.” I shrugged. “That’s crystal clear.”

“I do trust you, Holden.”

“You have a funny way of showing it.”

“You’re right.” She hung her head. “What I did wasn’t fair to you.” Pausing, she sucked in a breath. Licking her lips, she tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear, and despite the way I felt, I ached to kiss her. “I was making you pay for other people’s sins, and that was wrong.”

I cocked my head to the side. “Who else’s sins?”

“Just other guys.” Chloe shrugged.

My insides knotted. “What other guys?”

She was silent a moment, and my mind spun. Before she even spoke I was ready to kick some ass. I fisted my hands at my sides, ready to sucker punch any guy who’d ever hurt Chloe.

“You want to know why I was so hell bent on helping Preston?” Sadness flickered in her eyes. “It’s because I was him. At my last school and the one before that. I was teased and bullied for years. Not physically the way he was, but mentally. I was called fat and ugly. And guys played pranks on me, like placing bets on who could trick me into thinking they liked me and stuff.” Her lips quivered. “When you started liking me it seemed too good to be true, and I guess I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

Chloe always seemed so confident that I often forgot about people teasing her or treating her badly. It killed me to know that she had to endure that. And it didn’t make sense. Hell, Chloe was the hottest girl I knew. No way could I fathom someone calling her fat or ugly. All of my bravado withered, and I closed the gap between us. I hooked my finger into the belt loop of her jeans and tugged her forward. “God, Chloe, I can’t believe anyone treated you like that.” My lips feathered over hers. “But please trust me when I say that I will never intentionally hurt you. I care about you a lot. And that’s the truth.”

When she opened her lips, warm breath fanned over my mouth. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve been acting so weird. I’ve just been wrestling with so many different emotions. I’m dealing with my insecurities, and on top of that I have all this guilt and shame I feel for what happened with Preston.”

I reached up, grazing my knuckles over her chin. My eyes searched hers. “You’ve got to stop blaming yourself.”

“But when we’re together I can’t help but feel like I’m betraying Preston somehow. Like I shouldn’t be this happy when he was so miserable that he killed himself.”

Her words cut to my heart. “Being happy isn’t a betrayal to him. And I promise you I won’t let his death or Ryan’s death be in vain. We’ll learn from it. All of us. I’ll make sure of it.”

“But--”

I pressed my finger to her lips. “Chloe, I made you a promise. Are you going to trust me or not?”

She stared deep into my eyes. I held my breath. It was the last time I’d ask her. Either she trusted me now or I was walking away. I liked her a lot, but my heart could only take so much.

“Yes,” she whispered.

I exhaled with relief, my shoulders sagging. Then I leaned forward, sealing her words with a kiss.

Monday morning Chloe picked me up for school. I hadn’t seen her since Saturday night. She’d spent Sunday with her family since her brother was in town. And I was surprised at how much I’d missed her in only one day. I didn’t even wait for her to get out of her car. The minute I saw her pull up I raced outside, meeting her at the curb.

“Hey.” She smiled when I approached.

Without saying a word, I curved my hand around her neck and crashed my lips to hers. She tasted like fruit and mint, her lip gloss sticky against my mouth. My fingers tangled in her hair as our mouths moved in sync. I desperately wanted to reach my other arm up, to hold her close, to touch her body. But the cast and sling kept my arm encased, tucked close to my side. With my good hand I massaged her head as my tongue explored her mouth, as her lips pressed firmly to mine. I could stand out here all day kissing her. To hell with school and responsibilities. This was where I wanted to be. But I knew that wasn’t possible. Especially not today.

I’d made a promise to Chloe, and today I planned to keep it.

Breaking away, I gulped in air. Chloe’s chest rose and fell with each breath. Her lip gloss was smeared, her hair mussed. Damn, she looked good.

“Well, good morning to you too.” She winked.

“It’s definitely a good morning now.” I smiled.

She wiped at her face with the back of her hand as she made her way back to the driver’s side of her car. I opened the passenger side and slid in. Once Chloe was in, she turned on the engine and pulled away from the curb. Rock music played faintly in the background. It didn’t sound familiar, so it was probably some indie band she liked. Her eclectic taste in music was one of the many things that intrigued me about her.

“You ready for today?” She asked, staring forward as she drove. We passed a few other cars, middle-aged men and women most likely on their way to work. Sometimes it hit me how weird life was. How most people in the world were going about their days oblivious to the horror and tragedy our school had endured just a little over a week ago. There were moments when it felt like life had stopped. Frozen in time. Like the universe had stopped spinning. As if every single person in the world was feeling like I was. But then I’d pass someone on the street and reality would slam into me like a football to the stomach. Their life hadn’t changed. The universe was still spinning. Everyone else was going about their daily routines unaware.

“Yeah, I think so.” Today our school was holding an assembly to discuss the tragedy. But mostly to honor the victims – Ryan and John. I hadn’t even known John, the kid who’d selflessly stepped in and tried to stop Preston. He was a sophomore who played on the basketball team. Both his and Ryan’s jerseys were going to be hung in the gym. They’d asked some friends of Ryan’s and John’s to say a few words. Obviously I was one of the students that they’d chosen to speak on Ryan’s behalf. The principal thought it would help us gain closure. I wasn’t sure there was any such thing.

“You’ll do great.” Her hand left the wheel and rested on my thigh.

I raised an eyebrow. “Don’t touch me like that during the assembly or I’ll forget my whole speech.”

Giggling, she withdrew her hand. Mentally I scolded myself for saying anything. We rode for a few minutes in silence until we pulled into the school. It was weird entering the school parking lot knowing I wouldn’t see Ryan. I still couldn’t walk through the cafeteria without images of Ryan’s lifeless body filling my mind. In fact, I hadn’t eaten in there once since the shooting. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It seemed nowhere was safe from the memories.

The bell was about to ring when we got to school, so we quickly kissed and then dispersed. I hated when the kisses were quick. It was like one tiny sip of water. It only whet my appetite, it didn’t quench my thirst. But I reluctantly left Chloe and headed to first period. On the way, I bumped into Bethany.

“Hey,” I called out.

She whipped her head in my direction, a smile lingering on her lips as if she thought I was about to confess my undying love. That chick had the biggest ego on the planet. It didn’t make any sense how Bethany could be so popular and Chloe was the one that got teased. Beth couldn’t hold a candle to Chloe. Not in looks, not in personality. Not at all. I guess it just proved how backwards things are in high school.

“Leave Chloe alone,” I spoke firmly, hoping she’d understand how serious I was.

Her eyes widened. “What are you talking about? All I’ve done is try to befriend her.”

“That’s a lie. You’ve been messing with her, and it needs to stop.”

Clutching her chest, she appeared offended. But I knew better. It was all an act. “I’ve only been truthful with her. If she can’t take it, that isn’t my problem.”

I fought against the rage surging through my veins. “You’d think after everything that’s happened you would’ve learned to have a little compassion, but I guess that’s asking too much from someone as cold-hearted as you.”

She sighed in exasperation. “If this is about me cheating, I’ve said I was sorry like a million times.”

“This has nothing to do with that,” I snapped. “I don’t care that you cheated on me. All I care about is Chloe, and if you say anything to hurt her again, I’ll make sure you regret it.”

This time the look of shock on her face wasn’t rehearsed at all. It was the most genuine expression I’d ever seen. She recoiled like she’d been slapped. Then without uttering a word, she narrowed her eyes and stalked off.

Satisfied, I slipped into my first period class right as the bell pealed through the air.

Chloe

I sat beside Holden during the assembly, clutching tightly to his hand. It was hard to focus on the principal as he droned on about the tragedy. It was all stuff we’d heard before. How counselors were available to talk to, or there was a group grief counseling we could attend in town. As if that would help. I couldn’t imagine going to something like that. And it made me wonder if anyone at this school was actually contemplating it.

In Holden’s lap were a stack of papers that he explained were the notes for his speech. When his legs shook, they rustled. I squeezed his hand, offering encouragement. It was obvious that he was nervous. I knew he wanted to do this for his friend, but it seemed like an overwhelming task to me. I prayed he’d get through it.

First, one of John’s friends spoke and it made me tear up. John was a hero at fifteen years old. In some ways it was so inspiring, but mostly it was incredibly sad. I’d never understand why any of this had to happen.

When the principal introduced Holden, he stiffened. I gave him a reassuring smile as our hands unlinked. He swallowed hard as he stood. Taking a deep breath, I watched him walk toward the podium. The principal shook his hand and then took a seat behind him. Holden spread out his papers with his one good hand, and then glanced up at the bleachers filled with students. Nerves filled my stomach. I may not have been the one up there, but I felt just as nervous as if I was.

“I was asked to speak about Ryan today,” Holden started, his voice strong and sure. I sat forward, listening intently. “And when I was preparing my speech I came up with so many stories I could share. Like about the first time we met, or all the football games we played together. I thought about the pranks we pulled, the trouble we caused, and the fun we had. But it was that last day of his life that kept coming back to me. The image of his lifeless body. I couldn’t shake it. And I started to get upset. Upset with Preston for taking him from me. And I realized that it’s easy to look at Ryan as the innocent victim and Preston as the evil perpetrator. But Ryan wasn’t innocent. Preston wasn’t innocent. None of us are. All of us played a part in what happened last week. We judge one another based on looks, clothes, popularity. We slap labels on people. We tease and bully. And it’s wrong.”

His gaze found mine from behind the podium, and his lips curved upward. “A couple of months ago I met someone who challenged me to see beyond the labels. Who taught me that people are more than what they seem.” He glanced away from me, his eyes scouring the room. “When you look at me, I know what you see. You see a jock, a macho football player. But I’m more than that. I like to sit in the spa with my girl, or take her to a club to hear those indie bands she likes so much.” My face flamed as everyone’s heads swiveled in my direction. “And sometimes I spend my Saturday night watching chick flicks with my mom.” The entire room erupted in laughter. A grin spread across my face. Holden flashed a deprecating smile. “But don’t tell anyone that.” Laughter erupted once more.

“And when you look at Chloe Martin you see a girl in the band.” I stiffened at the mention of my name. “But she’s more than that.” He stared at me as if I was the only person in the room. “She’s smart and witty. She’s fun and outgoing. And she’s well on her way to getting her name in the Guinness Book of World Records.” Only Holden and I laughed at the inside joke. “She’s an amazing dancer, and she has the most eclectic taste in music of anyone I’ve ever met. And she’s definitely the prettiest girl I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

I bit my lip, my body heating up.

“Chloe is the only person at this school who tried to help Preston. She saw beyond his label and befriended him. If we had all done that, maybe last week’s tragedy never would have happened. If you want to honor Ryan’s memory, let’s learn from it. Let’s learn to be open minded and accepting, to treat each other with kindness. Don’t let Ryan’s death be in vain.” Holden nodded, as he gathered up his notes. “Thank you.”

Clapping ensued around me. Holden stepped out from behind the podium as one of the administrators walked toward it, her heels clacking on the floor. He walked swiftly back to the bleachers and then climbed toward me. Students were still clapping, and I knew what he said had struck a chord. He’d done more than honor his friend. He’d made a difference. When he reached me, I stood.

“That was amazing,” I said.

He wrapped his arm around me. “That was me keeping my promise.” His breath tickled my ear.

“Thank you.”

He pecked me swiftly on the cheek. Still a couple of students hooted and hollered at the public display of affection. “You can trust me, Chloe.”

“I know I can.”

We sat as a member of the school staff spoke. For the remainder of the assembly, I mulled over Holden’s words, and I wondered if it was possible for this tragedy to be turned into something good.

After the assembly ended, Holden and I went our separate ways. It sucked that we had no classes together, but at least I’d see him after school. I just had to get through a few boring classes until then. The minute we parted ways, Jasmine and Gianna rushed me.

“Oh, my god, you are totally the new London Miller,” Gianna gushed as she clutched her chest.

I was confused for a second, until I remembered that this wasn’t the first time they’d mentioned the infamous London Miller. Nerdy girl with popular boyfriend – check.

“You and Holden are totally going to ride into the sunset and live happily ever after,” she concluded.

I rolled my eyes. “We’re just dating. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

“C’mon,” Jasmine interjected. “He just told the whole school you were the prettiest, most amazing girl he’d ever met.”

My belly flipped at her words. It had been pretty amazing. I wasn’t expecting him to say all of that publicly. No guy had ever done anything like that for me before.

“Yeah, and you should’ve seen Bethany’s face. She looked like she was going to throw up,” Gianna giggled, clearly enjoying this.

“I don’t get her,” I said, wrinkling my nose. “I mean, she broke up with him. What’s her deal?”

“She’s just one of those girls who isn’t happy unless every guy wants her,” Jasmine explained.

I nodded, completely understanding. I’d known plenty of girls like that.

“I’m happy for you.” Gianna clamped a hand on my shoulder. “You deserve a guy like Holden.”

“Yeah.” Jasmine smiled. “And we’re sorry that we made you feel like he wouldn’t like you. I guess we were both a little bitter about always being called band geeks and stuff.” Her face flushed.

“I understand. I was a little shocked that he liked me too,” I said.

“But you shouldn’t have been. That’s the point. You’re gorgeous and can totally get any guy you want,” Jasmine said.

“So can you two.”

They both appeared skeptical, but nodded anyway.

Gianna’s face darkened. “And we’re sorry about Preston.” She glanced around the hallway at the students milling past. “He always creeped me out, but we should’ve been nicer to him. And we definitely shouldn’t have tried to talk you out of befriending him. Holden’s right. It’s all of our fault that this happened.”

“You can’t blame yourself. It doesn’t do any good. Trust me,” I said. “All we can do now is learn from it and move forward.”

Gianna smiled. “I’m glad you moved here, Chloe.” Jasmine bobbed her head up and down in agreement.

“Me too,” I said honestly. After the shooting, I hadn’t felt that way. In fact, I spent days wishing we’d never moved here. Wishing I’d never had to witness the awful things I did that day. But now I knew that the events of that day made me stronger. And I had friends here. Real friends. People who truly cared about me.

What more could I ask for in this life?