Forever (Cruiser & Lex, Book 3) (16 page)

“Your notes,” I say.

“Was a good cause.” He walks over and sweeps it off the floor. “It’s still in one piece.”

When he’s back at my side, I put my hands on his chest and gaze into his eyes. “Cruiser, I just want you to know that I’m really proud of you. That I admire you and look up to you. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Whether you decide to follow your dream and join the Navy or not, I’ll back you up no matter what. I just want you to be happy.”

He places his hand over mine. “Thanks, T. Rex. That means a lot.”

I brush my lips against his, then help him undress.

***

Yells force my eyes to shoot open. I jump up in bed and realize the room is pitch-black. The screams are coming from the person next to me.

“Cruiser?” I touch his arm. He’s ice-cold and trembling. “Cruiser!” I shake him.

He continues to scream.             

I reach to turn on the lamp. He’s drenched in sweat, trembling uncontrollably, and is now whimpering. I grab both his arms and shake him. “Cruiser, wake up!”

His eyes snap open. He lies there, frozen, unblinking, his body continuing to quake. I lower myself on him, resting my forehead against his and clutching him tight. “Cruiser.” He’s still as cold as ice, his heart racing so fast I fear it might explode. “It’s okay,” I say softly, stroking his cheek. “It was just a dream.”

Slowly, he starts moving. He blinks a few times and his arm comes around me. “Shit.” His breathing is heavy.

He’s still shaking. I get up and rummage in his closet for a blanket. Then I wrap him in it and hold him against my chest. He tucks his head between my neck and shoulder, continuing to breathe heavily.

When I glance at the time, I realize it’s past midnight. Cruiser and I must have fallen asleep watching that romantic comedy that was anything but funny. I softly run my fingers through his hair as his shaking starts to die down and his breathing sounds like it’s getting back to normal.

He doesn’t lift his head off me for some time. I hold him and rock him, rubbing my hands down his back. It seems to soothe him. When he raises his head and looks into my eyes, I see how haunted his are. He blinks a few times and mumbles, “Sorry.”

“For what?”             

“This.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.”

He shuffles away from me, letting the blanket drop to the floor. He’s still shaking, but it’s not as bad as before. I crawl onto his lap and wrap my arms around the back of his neck, forcing him to look into my eyes. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He averts his eyes from mine and doesn’t say anything.

“Cruiser.”

He wraps his arm around me and gently slides me off his lap. He gets to his feet, shoving his hand through his tangled hair. “Sorry. I’m just gonna go to the bathroom.”

He marches out the door.

I hug my knees to my chest as the memories of what happened only a few moments ago skip around in my mind. I’ve never heard Cruiser scream like that. He’s having nightmares because of the attack? I wish he told me. He’s probably been dealing with this for days.

When he returns, his hands are no longer shaking, but he looks pretty spooked. “Cruiser, come.” I pat the space next to me on his bed. He lowers himself and I enclose my arms around him. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah.” There’s a slight tremor in his voice.             

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Are you sure? It seemed like a big deal.”

He puffs out some air, but doesn’t say anything.

“How long has this been happening? Since…?”

He nods.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s cool.”

“It’s not, Cruiser.”

“I’m okay.”

I bury my face in his chest. “Why won’t you talk to me about them? I love you so much. It hurts to see you in pain and be helpless to do anything.”

He puffs out some air again. “I don’t want you to worry about me, Lex.”

“I’m worrying more about the fact that you’re having nightmares and are not talking to me about them.”

“Darlin’—”

“How often does it happen?”

“Not often.”

“
Cruiser
.”

“Maybe every third night.”

I sigh. “Cruiser.”

“It’s no big deal. I just brush it off and move on.”

I lift my head and gaze into his eyes. “This is why you haven’t been getting much sleep.”

He shrugs.

“Cruiser, please stop trying to be so brave. You don’t have to be that way in front of me. You know that.”

He cups my cheek. “I know, T. Rex. You and Rey are the only people I feel like I could open up to. But this whole nightmare crap is an inconvenience. It’ll go away soon, I’m sure.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Maybe you’re traumatized.”

“Traumatized? Nah, no.”

“The attack was a big deal. You could have died.”

He tears his gaze away from me. “I wasn’t that messed up.”

“You could have bled to death. But it doesn’t matter how severe your injuries were. The point is that four guys attacked you. It was a horrific and terrifying thing to go through.”

“I can handle my emotions.”

I clutch the front of his shirt. “Cruiser, please.”

He looks into my eyes and must see how much love and concern I have for him because his face softens. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to shut you out. I just can’t…I don’t want to deal with this. I don’t want to drag you into all of this.”

“I want to be dragged in.”

He rakes his hand through his hair. His fingers get tangled in some of the knots. “Carter guessed I was having nightmares.”

“Did you talk to her about it?”

He shakes his head. “I felt like she was invading my privacy.”

“Carter’s good, Cruise. She helped me after Rosie’s accident.”

His hand balls into a fist. “I just can’t…I don’t want to deal with this.”

I put my hand on his, flattening it out so his palm rests on his knee. “I know. But you need to. Or else you’ll never be able to move on.”

He puffs out some air again. Then his eyes trek to mine. He caresses my cheek. “Will you come with me to Carter’s? It might help if you’re there with me.”

I rest my hand over his that’s on my cheek. “Of course.”

He hooks his arm around me and holds me against his chest, kissing the top of my head. I’m relieved that his heart is beating at a normal pace. I feel terrible for not being there for him in regards to his nightmares. I know he didn’t tell me, but maybe I should have figured it out. Cruiser has always been more open with me than he was with other people, but ever since we’ve become a couple, he tries to avoid certain subjects because he doesn’t want to hurt me. He just loves me too much. I’m glad he’s willing to speak to Carter about it. Hopefully, he’ll be able to move past this and finally put the attack behind him.

I get up. “I want to tuck you in.”

He stares at me. “What? I’m not a little kid.”

“So what? Can I, please?”

“Okay.”

I lift his crumpled blanket and spread it over the bed, then fold half of it back. Cruiser climbs in and I cover him up to his chin. I sit on the corner of his bed and stare down at him. “I love you, my Cruiser.” I bend forward to kiss him. Just as I’m about to pull away, Cruiser closes his hand around the back of my head and forces my lips to remain on his. They move over mine almost savage-like, like he desperately needs my touch or he won’t survive. But he’s not hurting me.

When he finally lets go, I study his face and see he looks much more relaxed. “My T. Rex’s kisses will cure anything,” he murmurs.

I laugh as I brush some damp hair away from his forehead. “I wish I could stay the night, but my mom will kill me. She probably sent me a million texts.” My phone is in my bag that’s somewhere in this room, and I have no desire to look for it.

“I wish you could stay, too.”

I rummage around on his bed until I find Helga tucked between the wall and his pillow. I raise his good arm and slide her underneath it. “Keep her close, okay? She’ll use her magic powers to help you fall asleep.”

He squeezes her to his chest. “When I hug her, I’ll imagine hugging you.”

“Okay. Just don’t make out with her. That might be a bit weird.”

He chuckles softly.

I brush some more hair away from his forehead. “Good night, Cruiser. If you need me, just text me, okay? I don’t mind being woken up.”

He shakes his head. “I’d never interrupt you from your beauty sleep.”

“I mean it. I’m here for you whenever you need me. Okay?”

It looks like he wants to argue, but he must see the I-mean-business expression on my face because he nods. “Thanks, darlin’.”

I lean forward to press a kiss on his forehead. “Good night, Cruiser.”

“’Night, T. Rex.”

“Do you want me to leave the light on?”

He nods.

I kiss my fingers, then press them on his lips. He puts his hand over mine, keeping them in place, and gives my fingers some small kisses. We stare at each other for what feels like eternity but must only be a few seconds before I get up. Once I locate my bag, I turn to leave.

“Lex?” Cruiser calls when I’m at the door.

I look back.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Cruiser

I pace in front of the gym as I wait for Lex to finish with practice. Yeah, I’m nervous. Nervous as hell to pour out my heart in Carter’s office. Not that I have a problem with sharing my thoughts and feelings with Lex—she’s the closest person in my life, other than Rey. I guess I’m worried about what I might learn. That maybe the attack fucked me up in more ways than I thought. That maybe I can never be the same guy I used to be. I thought once my cast comes off, I’ll be back to the guy I was before the attack. But last night made me realize that it might not be the case. I’ve got all this shit in my head that I need to sort out.

I spoke to Carter a few minutes ago. Asked if it was okay that I meet with her and that I bring Lex. She was more than thrilled. I love Lex for agreeing to come in with me. It’s not just that I’ll feel more at ease with the love of my life supporting and encouraging me. It’s more than that. I want her to know what’s in my heart and mind. I want her to understand me without my having to worry about hurting or worrying her. I don’t want to see her beautiful expressive eyes fill with sadness and unease. I don’t want her to have to carry my problems in her heart. How do other couples deal with it? I know Lex is not some delicate flower and is strong enough to handle my shit—she can handle anything. But I don’t want to cause her any heartache.

I continue to pace. I wish I could throw these thoughts into the garbage bin next to me, but they’re too strong. I hope I’m fixed when we leave Carter’s office. I want to be happy and stress-free. Continue living my life with my girl and bro at my side. And my family. And Rosie. Without the past holding me back.

The squad is done with practice and the girls hit the showers. My heart starts to pump as crazy as hell. Yeah, I’m not afraid to admit I’m nervous. But I want to do this. Want to get over the attack and live in peace.

“Cruiser?” Lex is in front of me. She’s out of the shower already? My thoughts must have made the time fly. She slides her hand into mine. “It’ll be okay.”

Every part of me orders me to back out. Bolt while I still have the chance. But that’s the old Cruiser. The new one doesn’t run from his problems. He faces them so he can move on and have a healthy life.

“Let’s do this,” I say.             

When the bell rings for first period, my gut sinks. It all feels more real now. Lex tightens her hold on my hand as she leads me to Carter’s office. The guidance counselor sits at her desk, sipping coffee. Her face lights up when she sees us.

“Hello, Cruiser and Lex. Please come in.”

I notice two chairs in front of her desk. There’s usually only one.

“Hey, Ms. Carter.” Lex slides into one of the chairs. I plop down in the other.

“It’s so good to see you again, Lex,” Carter says. “How are you?”

“I’m great.” Lex lays her head on my shoulder. “I’m really happy.”

“I’m so glad to hear that. And how is your family?”

“We’re doing…okay,” she says. Her words hang in the air. Even though her family is in a much better place than they were a year ago, there’s still a lot going on. “But I’m here for Cruiser,” she says.

Carter nods. “You’re welcome to drop by whenever you need.”

Lex nods.

Carter locks her hands together. Her eyes land on me. “So, Cruiser. What brings you to my office this morning?”

My gaze moves to Lex. She gives me a sweet, reassuring smile.

I shift in my chair. Damn, Carter seriously needs to take her students’ asses into consideration. “I have nightmares.”

Carter nods encouragingly.             

“Yeah. So they’re messing with my life.”

She nods again. “I’m glad you were able to admit it. That’s the first step. Recognizing you have a problem.”

“I don’t have a problem. Just nightmares.”

She holds out her hands. “I’m sorry. You’re right. You don’t have a problem. Just nightmares.”

I’ve got no clue if this woman is being condescending or trying to make me more comfortable. Now I’m wondering if it was a good idea to come. It was brought on by the look on Lex’s face last night. The terror she had buried in her eyes. I don’t want her to have to deal with this. That’s why I decided to speak to Carter. I realized that my damn nightmares don’t only affect me. Lex is now involved, too.

She squeezes my hand.

“Tell me about the nightmares, Cruiser,” Carter says.

My eyes move to Lex.

“It’s okay,” she says.

I tap my foot. “I’m on my bike. Jake and his jack—I mean, Jake and his buddies—are in the car next to me. Except, the car looks different. It’s red and has devil horns.” I shift in my seat. “So they knock into me. Just like it really happened. But instead of beating the living shit—I mean, the living hell—out of me, they hit Rey.” I look at Lex before dropping my gaze to the floor. “Sometimes, it’s not Rey. It’s Lex.”

I hear Lex suck in a deep breath. Her hand tightens on mine. So tight I feel it get numb.

I stand. “No, this was a mistake.”

“I can handle it, Cruiser. You have to stop trying to protect me all the time.”

“Please sit down, Cruiser,” Carter says.

I do. Lex’s hand immediately slides into mine.

Carter leans forward. “So in your dreams, you’re not the one getting attacked.”

I shake my head. “It used to be me. But lately…Jake’s jacka—buddies—hold me in place while Jake…” My eyes snap closed. I can’t say the rest. For the past few days, I had to see the same thing over and over in my head almost every night. My sweet T. Rex on the ground. Covered in blood, the life seeping out of her. Rey’s body all bent and broken, his eyes empty and cold.

The room is so silent I bet the people next door can hear my heartbeat.

Carter picks up a pen and starts scribbling in my file. I fall back in my seat and am about to fold my arms across my chest. But I have only one arm. So I just sit back, my eyes glued on the pen that’s moving vigorously across the paper.

“I didn’t know,” Lex whispers to me. “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”

I give her a weak smile. It feels good to open up to her. Makes me feel closer to her.

Carter finally stops writing and looks at me. “What do you think the nightmares mean?”

I shrug.             

“Come on, Cruiser. I know you know.”

I pull my gaze from her and look at my shoes. “I’m scared Jake and his asshole friends—” Carter winces—“will come back. But they won’t hurt me.” I shake my head. “I’m worried they’ll come after the people I love.”

Again, it’s so quiet I bet the people next door can hear my heavy breathing.

Carter leans forward. “That’s a great revelation, Cruiser. And probably what is haunting you every night.”

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t want to face your fears consciously. You move on with your life, shoving away the thoughts and worries clawing at your mind. But you can’t stop them from surfacing at night.”

I look at Lex. See her whole face pinched with concern.

My eyes move back to Carter. “I know he’s not allowed anywhere near me. But he’s got friends. I’m worried he might want to hurt me again. But this time, he’ll go after Rey or Lex.” I shrug. “I guess that’s stupid.”

“Not at all,” both Carter and Lex say.

“That’s perfectly natural,” Carter says.

“So how do I fix it?”

“There’s no easy fix. You just need to acknowledge your fears. And you need to make peace with them.”

“You need to believe and trust that Rey and I will be fine,” Lex says. “You can’t go around worrying all the time that at any minute, one of Jake’s friends will pounce on us. We’ll be okay.” She looks at Carter. “It’s like you told me that I can’t carry the guilt of Rosie’s accident in my heart for the rest of my life. Because it will consume me and I will never know true happiness.”

Carter nods. “Lex is right, Cruiser. If you live in a constant state of panic, you won’t really be living.”

I massage my thumb over Lex’s knuckles. “I don’t know what I’d do with myself if something were to happen to you. I know it’s cliché and maybe anti-feminist, but I feel like I need to protect you. I’ve felt that all my life, and after the accident.” I look away. “I feel like I let you down after the accident. Because I couldn’t help you heal. Didn’t know how. I couldn’t protect your heart.”

Tears slip out of Lex’s eyes. She quickly wipes them away.

Carter starts writing in that damn file.

“I know you’re strong, T. Rex. But I don’t want you to have to be strong all the time. I want to be strong for you.” I look away again. “I probably sound as lame as hell.”

“No.” She shakes her head, wiping more tears. “It’s sweet and romantic. I want to be strong for you, too.”

I glance at Carter. She’s no longer writing, but she’s studying us. Maybe to see what a messed-up relationship we have. But no, I know that’s not true. She knows the two of us can handle this. She knows we’re capable of talking freely about the way we feel. She wants to give us the chance to do this ourselves.

“I never loved someone so much before,” I say. My mind tells me to shut up. I’m baring my soul here. But I want Lex to know this. I want to have a healthy relationship with her. The greatest one in the world. “I guess it’s like…I don’t know what to do with myself. I just want to protect you and make sure no harm comes your way. When I hurt you, it feels like I’m stabbing my own heart with the sharpest blade in the world. When you laugh, I feel like the entire planet is dancing. When you cry, it hurts. Here.” I touch my heart. “I don’t want to cause you any pain. I don’t know how I can be open with you the way you want me to be if I’m scared to hurt you.”

Lex’s tears don’t stop. She wipes them away, laughing like she’s embarrassed. “Sorry,” she says to Carter.

“It’s okay.” She motions to the tissue box sitting on her desk.             

Lex wipes her eyes, then turns to me. “I understand how you feel, Cruiser. I feel the same way. It’s like what you told me the other day: it’s okay if we hurt each other. Because it shows how much we care about each other, how much we mean to each other. And it’s the only way we can have a close, loving relationship. If we pretend to be happy and perfect all the time, we’ll just be living a lie.”

I nod. She’s right about that. The last thing I want is to live a lie.

“We’ll be together for the rest of our lives, Cruiser. We will go through many things. We’ll fight a lot. We might have some hardships. Life is hard—we know that. But we can get through everything. I know we can.”

“I know we can, too.”

Lex looks at Carter, seeming a little embarrassed. “Um, should we be talking about this privately?”

She shakes her head. “You can continue here with me if you want or you can talk privately. Whatever you choose. You two are doing great. Open communication is very important in a relationship.”

“So my nightmares will stop?” I ask.

“I don’t think they’ll go away that quickly, I’m afraid. But as long as you don’t hold things in and are open with Lex, I’m sure they’ll start to go away.”

I nod. That’s good enough. I can be open with her. I want to be. I don’t want to hold things in anymore. Now that I know what I’m worried about deep down, I might be able to overcome it. As long as I communicate what I’m feeling with my T. Rex.

“There’s, um…” Lex bites her lip as her eyes move to Carter. “One other thing I think we need to discuss with you.” She looks at me.

I raise an eyebrow.             

“The Navy.”

“Lex—” I start.

“We should talk to her about it, Cruiser. We
need
to talk about it.”

I’m about to disagree, tell her we can figure things out by ourselves. But she’s right. We do need someone to help us figure out what’s the best thing for us. As a couple. It’s no longer about what I want, what’s best for me—no matter how many times Lex says it is. Because she’s my life. She’s my past, my present, and my future.

“What about the Navy?” Carter asks.

“It’s been his dream to join ever since he was ten.”

“Dreams change. Lex is my dream now. Screw the Navy.”

“I know you don’t mean that anymore, Cruise. The Navy means everything to you.”

“Not anymore. I don’t even have my ship. Maybe it was a sign.”

Lex’s mouth falls open. “I can’t believe you’re saying that. It hurts to hear you say that.”

Shit. Now I feel like crap.

The bell rings.             

Carter closes my folder. “I see we have a lot more to talk about. Can the two of you stop by tomorrow morning, first period?”

We both nod.

“Things got a bit heated. Please leave it alone for now, okay? I don’t want you two to argue about it. We’ll pick up where we left off tomorrow.”

We both stand. I reach for Lex’s hand. Squeeze it to let her know we’re okay. That I don’t want this to cause any conflict between us.

“I’m really glad you two decided to talk to me,” Carter says. “You’re both great kids who truly love each other. It’s rare to find that at your age. Hold on to it because it’s something very special.”