Forever Is Over (126 page)

As the words left my lips they did not seem real. This was a question
for an episode of a Jerry Springer show, it should not be a question
I should be asking my husband. I was half expecting all my fears
and dreads to be coming true, but Richie did not become tearful and
apologetic, begging for a second chance, he just looked me in the eye
and replied,

“
No! It wasn
’
t like that Jemma.
”

I was relieved but still unconvinced.

“
Then what was it like?
”

“
It was a one-off meeting. A meeting that changed how I viewed
my marriage.
”

From my perspective, the first sentence was a good one, the second
one just antagonised me. I did not want to hear that a secret meeting
with my long since disappeared sister had resulted in a shift in how
Richie viewed our marriage. I wasn
’
t even sure if he meant this as a
positive or a negative. I did not intend my response to be rhetorical, it
just came out that way as I spoke.

“
For better for worse. For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in
health.
”

“
Jemma, do you want me to tell you everything, absolutely every
thing, warts an
’
all?
”

I could feel myself welling up. I am a tough cookie on the outside, I
have to be, I have had so many years practice at it. I am conditioned to
having a strong outer shell, but it can be penetrated. At that moment,
I did not feel like being tough, but I knew for my childrens sake more
than anything else, I needed to be. Richie did not see even a hint of a
tear. Adrenalin kicked in.

“
Richie, as things stand, I am looking for signs of life in our
marriage and I can barely feel a pulse. I trusted you. I thought you
were an honourable man. A man worthy of bringing up my children, in
a manner that I was not brought up myself. You are no longer the man
that I thought you were. I think you had better tell me everything, warts
an
’
all and let
’
s see where that takes us. Maybe I
’
ll think you
’
re less of a
prick once you
’
ve finished. I wouldn
’
t count on it though!
”

“
I wanted to feel loved, Jemma.
”

I was always unimpressed when Richie went into self-pitying mode!
Life with kids is busy and I did not have time to dedicate to massaging
his frail ego nor did I have the inclination to moisten up as often as an
East European whore on a F
riday night in the Reeperbahn.

             
“
Richie! Don
’
t make this about my failings! If you
’
re just going to
go over the same old boring ground about needing the physical side of
a relationship to feel loved, then to be frank, I
’
d save your breath. My
life is about caring for my family and especially my children, it is not
about pampering you and screwing you every time the mood takes you.
We
’
ve been over and over this and it bores me, Richie.
”

             
“
Jemma! Shut up!
”

This caught me off guard.

“
I beg your pardon!
”

“
Just shut up! We have spent the last couple of years bickering and
sparring, but not really talking and definitely not listening. We both
just keep thinking about our next line to come back with. For once, let
me just speak. If you can just listen and then I
’
ll completely shut up and
you can then say whatever you want back. OK?
”

“
OK.
”

“
So you
’
ll let me speak without butting in, Jemma?
”

“
Yes, go on, talk away. I
’
m all ears.
”

“
Right, when we were at school, I
’
ve told you before, I used to
hate you. I thought you were an outspoken, pompous, arrogant bitch,
who liked nothing better than her own reflection. I thought you were
gorgeous on the outside but ugly within.
”

“
Charming!
”

“
Jemma, stop butting in!
”

“
Carry on then!
”

“
OK. I didn
’
t like you at all, but it wasn
’
t based on factual knowledge,
it was based on assumptions. As you well know, I started
“
going out
”
with your sister, Kelly and initially, a
s I got to know you better, my
opinion didn
’
t really change. You remained outspoken but I didn
’
t
really care much whether you were nice or not, as I only had eyes for
your sister.

My opinion of you, only really started to change once I found out
I had cancer. I obviously didn
’
t have any intention of crying on your
shoulder, but that
’
s exactly what I did when I literally bumped into you
in Ormskirk. You were a whole host of things that I did not expect
you to be, warm, caring, comforting, emotional, passionate, tactile and
understanding. My opinion of you tilted into positive territory for the
first ever time, but then it was only after Kelly ran off and you were
arrested that I began to understand you. I saw that you would go to the
ends of the earth and back to support the only person you really loved.
In Kelly
’
s absence, I got to know you better and the more I knew you,
the more impressed I became. Against my better judgement, I found myself falling in love with you. The physical side of our relationship
came later, but that was not what made me love you, the lovemaking was
just a reflection of how intense we had
come to feel about each other.

             
The intensity of what I felt for you did not waiver, it just grew and
grew relentlessly. We got married. We had kids. Both of us love Melissa
and Jamie with all our hearts, that fact is not debatable, but as time
passed, it began to feel that there was not enough love to go around. It
wasn
’
t just the sex that dwindled away, it was that sense of togetherness.
We would do everything for the kids and nothing for each other. We
just got by and one thing I felt having cancer had taught me was not to just get by, to live each healthy day as if it is a bonus. Jemma, I
’
ve
stopped doing that. I understand our parameters are more constrained
now because of the age of our children, but we are not making the most
of every opportunity. We definitely aren
’
t.

Last week, out of the blue, when I was going through some of my
old things at Mum and Dad
’
s house, I came across some bills and letters
of Dad
’
s from four years ago. It turns out, Dad had some financial
problems and had hidden these bills away, but had also unknowingly
hidden a letter from Kelly addressed to me. I opened it and pretty much
told me that she was back living in London, working in a book store but through all her years of travelling around, Kelly had never found
her true love. She started to ask herself whether this was because she
was destined to be with me. Kelly suggested we should meet up, over
on Clieves Hill, at
midday on the 4
th
July, at the place we used to call
our
‘
Sunny Road
’
.
So, despite being four years late and despite being married, I felt
inquisitive. I thought maybe she had a point. I played around with the
thought that maybe I wasn
’
t feeling as happy as I should be feeling with
a partner I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted to
feel more loved, more inspired,
less inadequate and I thought maybe the
reason I was not feeling as happy as I wanted to feel, was because I was
married to the wrong sister. I decided I would go to the
‘
Sunny Road
’
at midday on the 4
th
July just to see if Kelly was there and despite being
four years late, to my astonishment, she was there waiting for me.
”

This was painful listening for me. Part of me wanted to put my
suffering to an end by jumping in, but I said I would listen and I
intended to do just that. At that stage, I could still see no future for our
marriage, but I needed to hear everything, so I managed to hold my
tongue and let Richie continue.

“
The thing is Jemma, when I saw Kelly standing there, my heart
did not skip a beat, I did not feel like this was my date with destiny,
I just felt like a complete fool. Kelly isn
’
t my one true love, the person
I want to be buried next to, or at least
have my tombstone next to, to
signify who I shared my life with. You are Jemma. Meeting Kelly just
underlined that fact and I just chatted with her, often about us, more
than anything to get a neutral perspective. It was a daft thing to do and
perhaps my original intentions were not as honourable as they should
have been, but all I wanted to do whilst I was there and all I have ever
wanted to do really
, is to get things right with you again.
”

“
Does Kelly know who you are married to?
”

“
No, she knows I
’
m married but not who to.
”

“
Why did you not tell her?
”

“
As I said, I wanted a neutral perspective on our relationship and
if I
’
d have mentioned that I was married to you, I wasn
’
t sure how she
would react and what sort of perspective she would have given me.
”

I thought Richie was trying to cover his tracks. As far as I was
concerned, he did not tell her becaus
e he thought there would be no
opportunity of getting into her knickers if he let that one slip out.

“
Did you kiss her?
”

“
No, I did not kiss her and before you ask, she did not kiss me either.
I think both of us had briefly played with the idea that meeting up could
be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but once we arrived, all we
discovered was wet grass.
”

“
Am I allowed to speak now?
”

“
Say everything you need to say.
”

“
You said a lot of the right things then, Richie, but I still feel pissed
off. Sometimes you annoy me, Richie, in fact sometimes you drive me
bloody potty, but not once have I ever thought anyone else was my pot of
gold at the end of the rainbow except you. Once you read Kelly
’
s letter,
you should have popped it in the bin and come back to reality where
you have three people who you mean everything to. I cannot believe you
were prepared to jeopardise the future happiness of your children on the
basis that some teenage romance might lead to a few more shags than
you are getting now. OK, the children aren
’
t always perfect, especially Jamie, but their love for you is totally unconditional, as is mine, I don
’
t
go out looking for a handsome prince because you
’
ve left socks on the
landing, boxer shorts on the bedroom floor and used tea bags in the sink.
I believe you when you say that nothing happened, but the fact that you
even bothered to turn up in the first place to see Kelly, still means that
you are not the man I thought you were.
”