Forever Yours (18 page)

“I know you did
Stel
, of course you did,” Tristan whispered in her ear as he held her tight. He shuffled her body so they were lying down, her body nestled into him as he held her tight, while she wept, crying the tears she could no longer hold back, crying the tears of the son she would never get to know.

***

She must have cried herself to sleep for when she woke it was dark outside, Tristan still holding her close.

She rubbed her eyes, feeling how sore and swollen they were, it had been a long time since she had cried like that. She held back more tears as she remembered what she’d told Tristan.
Was he mad she didn’t tell him?
she
wondered.
Would he leave her now, knowing her past and everything that happened?

She tilted her head up, wondering if Tristan had fallen asleep with her. His eyes were open and staring at her, his dark stare sending shivers down her spine. They were silent for a while, taking in the stillness of the moment, the calm before the storm.

“So what happens now?” Stella asked Tristan, his eyes still holding hers.

Tristan drew a deep breath. “I’ve been laying here for hours, thinking about what to do. A million emotions running through my head…”

She felt the tears coming to the surface again. “I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore-”

Tristan cut her off, “That’s not what I’ve been thinking about Stella. I made a promise to you, I told you no matter what you said I wouldn’t leave you. I meant every word. Everything that happened to you wasn’t your fault Stella. You couldn’t control what happened. I’ve spent all night thinking about what to do about Josh.”

Stella felt her body stiffen. The mere mention of his name sending unwelcoming chills down her. “You said you wouldn’t do anything to him.”

“That was before I knew what else he had done. This changes everything Stella. What he did to you is not ok Stella. What he said to you after the funeral is not ok, and what he is doing now is not ok.”

“What will you do?”

“I don’t know Stella.” Cupping her chin with his hand he breathed, “All I know is he can shove his money up his ass. He isn’t getting a cent from you. Not now, not ever.”

She had laid her darkest secrets out for Tristan, and he loved her anyway. She curled up into him, scared of what was to come, what Tristan or Josh might do. But grateful that in that moment she could hold Tristan, knowing he loved her, the way she had always dreamed of being loved.

“God dammit!
Answer your phone Stella!” Tristan yelled, slamming his phone down. He looked at Ben, who shook his head, still holding the phone to his ear.

This is bad. Really bad,
Tristan thought as he exhaled the breath he’d been holding.

He never wanted this to happen, not after what Stella had been through, and now because of Josh his worst fears had become realty. He knew she would leave him now. He had no idea it was going to happen, until he had just received the call only moments ago from his PR team. Stella had left him last time after the encounter with the media, only this time is was crueller than anyone could imagine.

A few days ago after Stella’s confession he had contacted Josh and told him in a less than friendly way that he wouldn’t be getting any money from Stella and to leave her alone, never to go near her again. He hoped his threats had done enough to scare Josh off, he never dreamed he would go to these lengths.

Josh had sold the story about Stella’s pregnancy and baby loss to the highest bidder, who happened to be the top selling magazine in Australia. It would only be time before the whole world knew about it.

He immediately tried calling Stella, praying she hadn’t seen it already so he could tell her privately. She hadn’t answered his calls, fearing the worst he called Sam, but his phone also rang out.

“What good is it having Sam to protect Stella, if he doesn’t answer his
freakin
phone!” Tristan shouted. He was losing his temper every second that went by without contact with Stella. “He can pack his bags when I see him next, because he’s fired after this stint! I don’t care how long he has been with us!”

“Firing Sam won’t help anything Tristan. Sam is great at his job, and if he isn’t answering then there is a good reason behind it,” Ben assured Tristan.

“How did we not know this was happening?” Tristan queried Ben. Generally they would always find out these kinds of things before they happened and could stop them, but the one time it mattered, truly mattered, they had no idea.

“I don’t know Tristan, we are looking into it now,” Ben responded

Tristan shook his head, picking up his phone and jacket off the counter, he turned to the door. “Come on, we’re going to find her,” he said as he saw Ben quickly move, grabbing the car keys.

Just as Tristan reached the door his phone rang, making his heart skip a beat, quickly answering it without even looking at the caller id. “Stella?” he prayed.

“No it’s me Tristan, Claire.” He recognised her voice immediately, sudden panic resinating within him.

“Where is she?” Tristan anxiously asked hoping Claire knew the answer.

“Mum called me a couple minutes ago telling me Stella had just arrived there.
I’m going to go there now.”

“Ok, stay where you are, I’ll come get you on the way and we can go together.”

 “Tristan?” her worried voice sounded through phone.

“Yeah?” he responded, troubled by the sound of her voice.

“She knows.”

Claire didn’t need to elaborate. He knew exactly what she meant as he felt his heart rip from his chest with her words. Regardless of if she might not want to be with him anymore, he needed to be with her, he needed to find her.

“I’ll be there soon,” he said, hanging up the phone and hurrying out the door, preparing himself for the worst.

***

Stella sat on the floor in the corner of the small bedroom holding the white baby blanket in her arms, tears streaming down her face.

She looked around the bedroom, remembering how it once looked. The white timber cot in the corner, the brown and crème baby bunting hanging on the wall above. Baby clothes lining the wardrobe, toys stuffed in the toy chest. Now there was only a single bed, and linen in the wardrobe, the only reminder it had ever been a baby’s room was in her hands. The only thing she had kept.

Two months after she had lost Jackson she had walked into his baby’s room for the first time. She no longer had the accompanying round baby belly that nudged the side of the cot when she leant in to retrieve the soft teddy bear. The last time she was in the room was the night they left for the hospital. She had been folding baby clothes, neatly putting them away thinking the discharge she had was the onset of her labour. How wrong she had been.

Her mum had insisted she go in there, thinking it might help her through the pain. Instead her mum had come home to find Stella burning all of the baby’s things, including the nursery furniture in the paddock. In that moment, Stella had felt they would always remind her of Jackson so the only way to stop that was to burn it all, rid
herself
of the memories.

The only thing she kept was one white baby blanket, the first baby item she had bought. To this day she never knew why she couldn’t throw it into the fire, maybe somehow she knew she would end up here, clinging to the only memory she had left.

Her mum had been right in some ways though. She went into that room trying to rid herself of the pain, instead she buried it, vowing from that day forth to never trust anyone again, to never fall in love.

“Can I come in?” Stella’s mum asked as she stood at the doorway looking in on Stella.

Stella nodded not looking up.

Stella could see out of the corner of her tear stained eyes her mum sitting down next to her, leaning up against the wall.

“I wanted to let you know that I’ve just talked to Sam, Tristan knows you’re here. He is coming with Claire. After you arrived I spoke to Sam who told me what happened. I called Claire letting her know where you were, knowing she and Tristan would be concerned.”

“Is Tristan mad at Sam?” she sobbed. The last thing she wanted was Sam to get fired because of her.

“He was, but Sam managed to get him to see sense about it.”

Stella recalled the events of only hours before.

She was
standing in a coffee shop as she passed the magazine stand seeing her and Tristan on the cover, the title reading “Tristan’s girlfriend’s painful past.” She grabbed the magazine, forgetting her coffee and pulled herself into the car, opening it she read the words. She immediately knew Josh was behind it, he had once again betrayed her. Her raw past splashed across the pages for all to read.

She had burst into tears, feeling her world crashing in around her. Sam had comforted her, holding her close while she sobbed into his shoulder. She knew he didn’t have to, knew it wasn’t part of his job, but he had become like a brother to her and she was glad he was there.

She didn’t want to go
home,
she didn’t want to see Tristan. What would she say to him? Part of her blamed him. If it wasn’t for him, his fame, his life, this wouldn’t be happening.

Sam agreed to take her to her parent’s house, the only place she felt safe. She made him promise not to answer his phone, she pleaded with him. He reluctantly agreed, knowing the consequences and wrath of Tristan when he would have to face him.

“What am I going to do mum?” Stella looked at her mum, tears spilling down her cheeks.

“You’re going to stop blaming yourself. Nothing that happened was your fault. You have to stop living in the past, always thinking of what you wished you could change. Wondering what if? What’s done is done sweetheart,” her mum’s voice soothing and calm.

Stella loved that about her mum, she always had a way of saying the right things, giving her comfort. She resented shutting her out all these years.

“I’m sorry mum. I’m sorry for everything,” she whimpered.

Her mum wrapped her arms around Stella. “Don’t you dare be
sorry.
You went through something that most people would never have to deal with in their lifetime.”

“Why me?
Why did it have to happen to me?”

“I don’t know honey. It’s just one of those things. Some things in life we can’t control. There will always be heartbreak in life, you can’t avoid it. If I could take the pain away I would, but I can’t. Only you can accept it and move on. But trust me when I say this, a life full of regret, anger and resentment is not a life Stella. You have to move on, believe in something, live for something. Anything but the guilt you feel over Jackson.”

“Will it always be this hard?”

“No Stella it won’t. It gets better with time, trust me. But if you’re around
people
you love, it will get easier, we are all here for you, including Tristan.”

“Part of me thinks if it wasn’t for him, none of this would be happening. I wouldn’t be here, reliving these memories.”

“You know he isn’t to blame. He couldn’t control the media, couldn’t control Josh. He is probably already blaming himself right now because of how his celebrity status has affected your life so significantly.

“You’re here now because you were meant to be here. When Jackson died you bottled everything up and refused to think about what happened. You never properly mourned his death. That’s why you’re still feeling the way you’re feeling, you might never be able to accept what happened, but you need to face it, admit to yourself you did nothing wrong.”

Stella thought about what her mum said. She knew she was right, she had spent more effort in the past four years trying not to think about Jackson, than she had of mourning him. She felt like if she let herself grieve it would be real to her, everything that had happened with Josh and the baby was real.

“Did I ever tell you how proud of you I am?” her mum said. Stella choked on her breath at her mother’s comment.

“It’s true. What Josh did to you was unforgivable, but you refused to let it get to you. You held your head
high,
you grew to love the baby growing inside of you. I’ve never seen you so motivated to make it work, it’s like I saw my little girl become an adult overnight.

“I’m glad you found love again Stella. From what Claire tells me you’re a different person. He brings the best out of you. You deserve to be happy.”

Stella felt her tears steadying now, the mention of Tristan’s name made her heart warm. She wished he was with her now, she needed him.

“He is amazing mum. He loves me for me, the warts and all,” she laughed, remembering Tristan saying that to her when they spent the night in Rome, Italy. They had spent the day sightseeing when she had returned home she was beetroot red. She insisted she didn’t need sunscreen as she rarely got burnt, so when she did Tristan had jokingly teased her, telling her he loved her for her, warts and all.

She wiped the tears from her eyes and leaned back on the wall, those moments with Tristan she had let go of all her fears, forgotten her past.

“What happens if it doesn’t work out with Tristan?”

“Life is about taking a chance. Every day we take chances, we hope we find love, something that will make us smile every day. You’ve found your happiness Stella, he makes you happy.”

Stella hugged her mum again. She was finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe one day she could accept what happened, and
stop
blaming herself. After today it was going to be different, she could feel the weight on her shoulders already lifting.

The wind blew a cool breeze sending a chill up Stella’s spine. Her arms were crossed over her chest, trying to hold onto the little warmth she had left. She could not remember how long she had been standing over the gravestone, feeling the emptiness of her life surround her. She could feel the strain in her legs telling her she needed to let go, but she couldn’t bring herself to move.