Forever Yours (19 page)

He was dead because of her.

She had let herself fall so deep, feelings she had supressed for so long were now all too real and it frightened her. She once thought she knew what true love was many years ago. It wasn’t until she met Tristan she truly discovered the true meaning of the love between a man and woman.

 A gentle tear fell down her cheek. If they had never met she wouldn’t be standing here, wouldn’t be feeling what she was feeling. She loved Tristan with every being of
herself,
she’d fallen completely and utterly in love with him. She had let herself experience feelings that she had buried long ago, making a promise never to feel like that again, to never let herself be hurt and feel the burden of love.

Yet here she was.
The harsh reminder of the tragedy of love.

They say you experience the five stages of grief after you lose somebody close to you.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Stella knew she had never been able to truly move on from the first stage; denial. For years she tried to hide what happened, bury it from herself. Without even knowing it Tristan had lead her through these five stages. He had pulled her out of the hole she had been digging herself, running away from the truth, Jackson was gone. It happened. Nothing she could do, no matter how angry and sad she got would bring him back. She couldn’t change what happened, she could only accept it.

When she arrived at the cemetery earlier she didn’t know what she expected to feel, how she would react to seeing his grave for the first time in four years.

The feeling of guilt washed over her as she approached Jackson’s grave, seeing the fresh flowers. Her mum told her once she came every week and spoke to him. It was like a stab to the heart when she saw the flowers
there,
she never once visited him, not in the last four years. She silently thanked her mum for doing that, she felt so selfish she had let Jackson feel alone.

It was like all the feelings she’d felt with her grief came flashing back. She was angry he had been taken away from her, she tried so hard to make it work, yet he was taken and she would never know why. She wanted them to take her, take her away from all the pain. Jackson was only a
baby,
he had so much in life to live for. She mourned his death now, crying until she couldn’t cry anymore.

Who would have thought it would have taken her four years to face the truth, face what happened.

She knew that although Tristan had helped her, he had also given her something she had never had from another man before.
Love.

Even though Stella might not fully accept what happened, never find the answers she longed to know, she now felt like she had something to live for, something to be happy about. Tristan had saved her, saved her from a life of unhappiness. If she would have continued her life, never knowing Tristan, she would still be living in the denial of what happened, believing that it was all a dream, never letting herself feel love again without the fear of heartbreak.

She kneeled down next to the grave holding the headstone with one hand. “I’m sorry my beautiful boy,” she whispered. “Mummy didn’t mean to leave you here all by yourself. I just loved you too much I didn’t want to believe you were gone. It was meant to be you and me buddy. We were meant to face the world together, prove everyone wrong. You were the best thing that happened to me and then you were taken away from me before I got to know you. I didn’t even get to see you smile, hear your beautiful voice. I love you Jackson.” She watched her tears fall onto the headstone. She wiped them from her face and smiled. “There are so many people that I wanted you could have met. Your aunty Claire wished she could have met you. Although I think she is a little bit crazy, you two would have had fun together. And then there’s your Grandpa, he would have you shearing sheep by the time you went to school…”

Stella spent the next half an hour telling Jackson all about her family and her life growing up. She also told him about Tristan and how he had changed her life, made her believe in love again.

Somehow she felt that although Jackson wasn’t there, he could hear her words.

When she thought she couldn’t talk anymore and she had said all that she needed to say she stood up next to his grave.

“I’m going to go now bubba, but I’ll be back, I’m not staying away anymore. You’re not alone.” As she felt the last words leave her mouth she felt her shoulders relax, she had said them for Jackson, but once said out loud, she knew they were for her. She was not alone anymore, and although she had never actually been alone, she had felt like it, until now.

She turned to walk back through the cemetery, vowing to herself she would return.

When she saw Tristan standing there next to Claire, she couldn’t help but smile, as crazy as it was, she was happy. She graciously walked into Tristan’s arms, holding him tightly.

“We were so worried about you Stella,” Tristan whispered in her ear.

Stella pulled her face back, looking at Tristan, she smiled. “It’s going to be ok. Everything’s going to be ok.” She looked at her sister now, who returned her smile, her anxious look disappearing when she saw Stella.

“Are you sure you’re ok Stella?” Tristan asked, pushing her hair back from her face behind her ear.

“I am, and it’s all because of you Tristan. You saved me in every way. I’ll never know why Jackson died, I don’t ever know if I’ll fully accept it, but I know now I can’t change what happened. There is a whole life out there, waiting to be lived, and I want to live it with you Tristan. You taught me to love again.”

“But what about the magazine, the story…” Tristan nervously asked.

“It’s not your fault. I admit I blamed you at first, but you couldn’t control what happened. Your life is crazy, crazier than anyone I know, but
it’s
part of who you are and when I’m not with you I don’t feel complete. If you can accept who I am, then I’ll accept who you are and everything that comes along with it.”

“I love you Stella, do you know that?” Tristan said as he kissed her forehead, leaning into her.

“I know.” She smiled, knowing that in that moment, with Tristan by her side she could face anything, do anything, and be anyone.

***

“Are you sure you want to do this Stella?” Claire asked apprehensively.

They were approaching the local pub, Tristan and Claire both by Stella’s side as they walked through the car park towards the door, Stella’s heart pounding.

“One hundred
percent
positive,” Stella replied, squeezing Tristan’s hand for strength.

Stella had decided that the only way she was truly going to move on is if she confronted Josh. Tristan and Claire were hesitant about the idea, telling her to do it another
time,
she’d already been through so much. But Stella disagreed, she felt this power within her,
an energy
she couldn’t contain. After she left Jackson’s grave she knew it was time. Time to confront Josh, and she feared her confidence would disappear if she left it for too long.

Walking through the pub doors she glanced around the room, looking for him. The smell of alcohol and cigarette smoke hit her lungs as she breathed in.

She wasn’t too sure if he would be here, but when she spotted him in the far corner, sitting in the booth drinking, she knew she was right. Turns out even after four years Josh was still coming to the pub every Sunday afternoon.

Without thinking she strode forward, eyes focused on Josh, forgetting everyone else in the room, the onlookers suddenly turning their heads, watching Stella.

Josh must have seen her in the corner of his eye. When he turned his head and saw Stella, his face turned hard, he placed his beer down on the table and stood up, pushing his shoulders back.

Stella freed her hand from Tristan’s as she reached
Josh,
with one quick movement she slapped him hard across the face. He stumbled on his feet, obviously not expecting it.

Ever since they were younger Stella had always been the passive one in the relationship, even after all the things Josh did to her she never stood up to him.

Josh’s hand cupped his face as he looked back at Stella grinning, “I’m thinking you’ve seen the lovely article about you.”

Her eyes
narrowed,
her anger inside her now surfacing. “Shut up Josh! You can’t hurt me anymore. You’re a worthless piece of shit and you know it. You can try and take everything I have, try and make me feel like I’m no one, like I’m nothing. But I don’t care anymore. I’m glad Jackson never had to know you, never had to see who is dad was. The cold hearted rapist.”

Stella hadn’t intended on bringing up what he did to her, but once she saw the smile on his face, she couldn’t stop herself.

Before Josh could interrupt she continued, keeping her composure.

“You can try and bully me, make your snide remarks, but it won’t affect me anymore. You’re nothing to me
Josh,
you’re a cruel heartless bastard. You’re going to die alone, if you don’t stop what you’re doing and change what you are. I may hate you, I may despise you for everything you’ve ever done, everything you’ve ever said, but most of all I feel sorry for you. Sorry that you feel like you have to be like that, feel sorry that you must feel so alone, so disconnected with reality that it drives you to do such hurtful things.”

She watched his smile fade, his face going pale at her words.

“I hope one day you’ll realise that a life full of hatred is a life not worth living. It’s not too late to change who you are. Be a better person. Goodbye Josh. This is the end of
us,
you need to stay out of my life. I don’t ever want to see or hear from you ever again.” She stared into his eyes, all the feelings of ever been scared of him, worried about what he would do were gone.

Josh was still silently staring at her. Tristan gently grabbed her arm. “Come on, let’s go.” She nodded turning on her heel to walk away she heard Josh behind her hiss through his teeth.

“Lucky Jackson is
dead,
he wouldn’t have to see his mother become a whoring groupie.”

Before she even had time to respond Tristan had turned and punched Josh in the face, sending him to the ground. Stella grabbed Tristan, pushing her body in front of him, staring into his eyes, they were burning with rage. “He’s not worth it Tristan. Please let’s just go,” she pleaded with him. He looked at her, considering what she said, his face softening.

“Ok,” he said turning to Josh on the ground he threatened. “If you ever talk to her again, if I ever see you again, I will make your life hell. Do you understand me?”

For the first time she saw fear in Josh’s eyes, he bowed his head away from Tristan as Stella grabbed his arm and lead him away.

Stella took one last glance at Josh on the floor over her shoulder before walking out the doors, feeling the wind against her skin. She felt free. Free from all the burden and hatred that had consumed her for so many years.

***

Stella stood amongst the tall grass, the wind blowing it in all directions. Standing on top of the hill, all she could see was endless hills of grass and trees, the sheep and cattle in the far paddocks grazing away. The sun was setting, fixing a beautiful ambient light across the fields.

There was something about the countryside that made her feel at ease, surrounded by the peace and serenity.

All this time she had blamed herself for what had happened. Guilt over the fact she couldn’t even give her boy a fighting chance. But now she knew there was nothing she could have done, nothing she could have changed to have a different outcome.

The past couple of months had been nothing but easy, facing her deepest fears. But Tristan had been by her side, showing her the way. Helping her see life the way it truly was. She never could have imagined what it was like to love someone with all your heart, every part of you knowing that they were your soul mate, they were your forever and always.

“What are you thinking about?” she heard Tristan’s voice ask her as she turned her head, he was walking towards her, looking as beautiful as ever.

“You,” Stella responded, smiling as he walked towards her.

He held out a white dandelion. Taking it from his hand he said, “Make a wish.”

Stella turned towards the grassy hills and blew against the dandelion softly, watching it break off in the wind, flying away from her. She made her wish, knowing exactly what it is she wanted.

She turned into Tristan, looking up at his deep brown eyes. “Without you Tristan I wouldn’t be here today, I wouldn’t be feeling how I am, like the world is a better place, no longer filled with loneliness, heartbreak, and loss. You made me feel alive again, like I’m free to be who I want to be. Free to be happy.” She paused, taking a deep breath she said the three words she never thought she’d say. “I love you.”

Tristan smiled and took her hand. “I love you too Stella. I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you in that hotel lobby, I knew I couldn’t live another day without knowing you. You are beautiful in every way. I want to spend the rest of my life with you-”

“Marry me Tristan,” Stella
interrupted,
her breathing hard and heavy.

Tristan burst into laughter. “Oh Stella, you drive me crazy sometimes.”

Stella frowned, that was not the answer she was hoping for. “What do you mean?”

“Well if you’d let me finish,” Tristan said as she watched him drop to one knee, putting his hand in his pocket he pulled out a black velvet box. She looked down at him as he opened it, revealing a beautiful white gold ring with one princess cut diamond stone in the middle, it sparkled as the sun caught it. Tristan held her hand, holding the box in the other. “Stella Green, I couldn’t imagine spending another day without you. You are my life, my love, my best friend. Will you do
me
the honour of becoming my wife and agree to spend the rest of eternity together?”