Forgetting Yesterday (14 page)

“I forgot to mention something. Before I left today Claire asked if we wanted to meet them tonight at The Bear’s Den, for drinks.”

“Yeah, I guess we could do that,” he agreed.

“They’re meeting another couple there. Dane and Morgan? I guess it was Morgan that told Claire we should come along.”

His brow furrowed, surprising me and giving me the distinct impression that he wasn’t excited about the idea
anymore.

“You know them, right?”

He nodded and it smoothed out again. “Dane and Morgan? Yeah, I know them. But on second thought, maybe we should skip it. We can go out with Alex and Claire some other time.”

I hesitated, confused for a second. “Do you not care for Dane and
Morgan?” I wondered. Just because he knew them, I realized didn’t mean that he actually got along with them.

He dodged the question by saying, “I
just got to thinking. I know you’re getting up early to go visit your dad tomorrow. If we stop for drinks, it could get late. You don’t want to be miserable tomorrow with such a long drive.”

He had a point. And even though Claire was going out, she could always sleep in the car while I drove.

“I hadn’t thought of that,” I said. I’d be getting up early and probably getting home late tomorrow night after the visit. Not to mention, it had been so long since I’d seen Dad. It would be rude if I showed up feeling exhausted and yawning all day. Or heaven forbid, with a hangover.

“Besides,” he said as he leaned in c
lose, his lips skimming my neck, “I was actually thinking maybe we could go out in the boat again?”

His kiss turned into a light nibble near my collarbone. My eyes fluttered closed as my heartbeat sped up. My hands flew up to his chest, then around his neck. One of his arms slid around my waist as he pulled me closer. His body felt warm from the sun.
And positively divine as it pressed against mine.

What had he been saying…?

I couldn’t remember as his hand slid up my bare thigh. His thumb began swirling against my hip. A small moan slipped past my lips.

“I’d rather keep you to myself tonight,” he murmured.
“Maybe do some stargazing?”

As if I would argue with that.
Right then, I wasn’t in the frame of mind to argue about much of anything.

“Mom,” I whispered into the empty cemetery. It was just me and hundreds of headstones. “It’s me. I’m here.”

I leaned over, placing the bouquet of yellow mums on her headstone. Mums had always been her favorite. It was the same arrangement I’d purchased the day of her funeral. My behavior at the time may have been reprehensible, but I had thought to honor my mom with her favorite flowers, even then.

It was a small, small consolation.

I’d just dropped Claire off at her parents’ house. I had told her I was heading to Dad’s. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her I was stopping at the cemetery first. She would’ve understood, probably she would’ve even offered to come with me. But I just couldn’t bring myself to talk about it.

Besides, after everything, this was something I truly needed to do on my own.

I closed my eyes and ran my hand over the cool, smooth surface of the headstone. Claire and I had gotten an early start on the day. The morning air still held a chill. There was just a hint of a breeze that fluttered my hair.

I believed with all of my heart that Mom was watching down on me.

“Hey, Mom,” I said, starting again. “I don’t even know where to begin. There aren’t enough words to tell you how much I regret the time I missed with you. I was scared and I was selfish. You had always been there for me and knowing that would no longer be the case, it was more than I could bear.

“I was such a coward. I ran from my fear, ran from you, because I couldn’t face it. I know how wrong that was and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish that I could change it.” My throat began to ache and my eyes burned with tears.
Instead of using more words, I let my emotions flow through me, hoping that Mom would understand everything I couldn’t find the words to say.

I wasn’t sure how long I stayed. No matter how long I sat there, it would never be long enough. I would never be able to make this up to her.

The only way I could even have a chance at setting things right was by facing the only parent that I had left.

With a few whispered goodbyes, I left the cemetery.

I didn’t feel better for having stopped. I didn’t feel lighter, or relieved, or less guilt-ridden. I did, however, feel a determination that I hadn’t felt in a while.

I got in my car and drove the last few miles to my destination. I wasn’t sure if it was my imagination but I thought my childhood home looked different. Without Mom’s presence, her attention to the flowers, the yard, having every lawn ornament just so…the house looked just as desolate as I felt.

It just didn’t seem right that Dad now lived there, alone. It seemed too empty. Too lonely.

I pulled up to my usual parking spot in front of the garage. I hadn’t wanted to admit to Claire how worried I was about this meeting. I knew Dad wanted to see me and I wanted to see him. Yet I was afraid things were going to be strained, tense and awkward beyond measure. I was only halfway up the sidewalk when the front door opened.

“Zoey,” Dad said quietly as he came out to meet me. He had aged. His hair looked thinner. Deep crevices bracketed his eyes. He was thinner too and my heart ached, wondering if he was eating enough now that Mom was gone
. He had always struggled in the kitchen. Or maybe even after all of these months he still hadn’t managed to work up an appetite.

The sight of him, looking broken and knowing how alone he was, nearly
wrecked me.

My pace quickened, hurrying to a near-run as I closed the distance between us. He met me with open arms.

I choked down a strangled sob as I let him wrap me up in a hug I wasn’t so sure that I deserved.

“I missed you, baby girl,” he said.

“I missed you too.” I knew then that even though I didn’t deserve it, all was forgiven.

It was too late to make things up to my mom.

But from here on out, I would do my best to make it up to my dad. I knew in my heart that that’s what she would’ve wanted.

*******

“How did the visit with your dad go?” Alex asked the next evening. I was still feeling melancholy. I hadn’t wanted to go out. Instead, I invited him over because Claire was gone for the evening. We were curled up on the couch after dinner.

He’d put a movie in and I was curled into his side.
Though the movie was more than half over, neither of us had paid any attention to it. It was hard to pay attention to anything else when Alex was this close to me.

“Good. I dropped Claire off at her parent’s house and then Dad and I spent the day together,” I told him. “Claire’s Mom invited Dad and me over for dinner
. I thought that was really nice of her. Our families used to be pretty close so I think it was good for Dad to get out of the house, spend some time with old friends. After that, we had to head out. The day went really fast, like I knew it would, but I’m glad I got a visit in.”

I could’ve told him that I’d stopped at the cemetery but I hadn’t mentioned that to anyone. Not Dad, or Claire.

“Are you and your dad close?” he asked.

A small smile tugged up the corners of my lips. I felt like after yesterday I could honestly say, “Yeah, we are. How about you? Are you close to your family?”

He nodded. “I am. Maybe too close. They kind of like to be in my business all the time,” he said with a small chuckle. “Maybe it’s good they’re on vacation right now. That way they can’t scare you away.”

I poked him in the ribs. “As if they could.”

He laughed. “Nah, I’m just kidding. They’re not that bad. My sisters have been known to be overprotective but now they’re both busy with their kids. It’s given them something else to focus on.”

I wanted to ask how a guy like him—successful, kind, caring, fantastic to look at—was still single. I didn’t because I was afraid he’d turn the question around on me. There was no way to discuss past relationships without talking about Jason. Discussing him with Claire had been hard enough. Discussing him with Alex was just not something I wanted to do. I was disgusted with myself for staying with him for so long.

I was always waiting for Alex to bring up past relationships. It seemed like a logical conversation to have with someone. However, for whatever reason, he didn’t seem any more interested in discussing the past than I did.

I wondered if it was because he was a guy and maybe they just didn’t think to discuss those things. Or, I wondered, if he had details in his past that he was just
as anxious to forget as I was. Thinking like that made me more curious, but not curious enough to be the one to bring it up.

“What do
es your dad think of your move here?” Alex asked. “Was he disappointed that you didn’t move back to Cleary?”

“He seemed happy that I’m
happy,” I honestly told him. “With everything going on with my mom, I’d never really given a lot of thought about what I was going to do, or where I was going to go once I got my degree. I was just trying to take one day at a time. I do think he’s glad I’m reconnecting with Claire again.”

“You know what?” he murmured close to my ear as he nuzzled my hair. “I kinda missed you yesterday.”

I let out a happy sigh. “We spent all of Saturday together. I thought maybe you’d want a day to yourself.”

He let out a little chuckle. “I’ve had more time to myself this past year than I knew what to do with. It’s kind of nice spending time with you.”

This past year
? My mind latched onto that statement. Why this past year? Did he mean anything by that? A part of me wanted to ask, but the part of me that didn’t like the thought of being questioned let it go.

“I like spending time with you too. And just to be clear, I kinda missed you yesterday too,” I admitted.
“Thanks for understanding I didn’t feel like going out. I’m really glad you came over though.”

“Anytime,” he assured me.

I ran my hand along his jaw line, finally cupping his cheek. His heated gaze locked onto mine. I leaned over, greedy for more of his kisses. He didn’t hesitate to give me what I wanted. In no time, the familiar feeling of want and desire burst through me.

Every time he kissed me, and there had been a lot of kisses over the past few weeks, I found myself surprised at just how quickly I lost my head. There was no hesitation, no embarrassment, no shyness. Every kiss that he gave me left me wanting more of him. 

I had no doubt that I was physically attracted to him but it was so much more than that. He made me feel things I’d never felt before. When we were apart, I just wanted to be with him. When we were together, I didn’t want the time to end.

I never doubted myself when I was with him. He made me feel as if he treasured what we were building as much as I did.

He gently pushed me backward, until I was lying on the couch. His body hovered over mine as his mouth joined mine again in another kiss. I reached up to him, not wanting him so far away. I pulled him down so his body was flush against mine. He rested between my legs, causing the familiar, delicious ache to reappear. I pressed against him and he moaned as I looped a leg around him and slid a hand up the back of his shirt. My fingers danced against bare skin.

Our bodies began moving together. Despite the layers of clothing between us, the amazing heat continued to build. His mouth moved away from mine, dropping to my neck. I let out a moan when his teeth grazed the sensitive skin along my collarbone.

My hands slid back down, fisting the hem of his shirt. I tugged at it, trying to pull it off even as our bodies continued to move together.

“Zoey,” he murmured against my hair as his kisses ceased and his body stilled. “We should stop.”

“What?” I asked. Every part of my body felt electrified. The echo of every small kiss, nibble, moan and touch still vibrated along my nerve endings. I pressed against him again and was left with a dull, unsatisfied ache when he pulled further away.

In one quick movement, he was sitting again. He tugged a hand through his hair. “We’ve got to stop. Before we get carried away.”

“What if I want to get carried away?” I pouted as I squirmed into a sitting position as well. I moved toward him again and he nearly jumped up from the couch.

He shook his head at me as he moved to the other side of the room.

“Alex…?” His name came out sounding like a mixture of a pout and a question.

He shook his head more firmly. Now that there was some distance between us, I could see that he’d managed to pull himself out of the haze of lust we’d both been enveloped in. 

“You’re not getting any more of this,” he motioned to his rock hard body, “until you are good and ready for it.” His expression and his tone were completely self-deprecating, mocking, even. Yet I could tell he was serious.

“I am ready!” I cringed at the whiny quality in my tone. He may have been able to cool off. But I hadn’t. I managed to pull myself off the couch. I slowly closed the distance between us. When I reached him, I pressed my body against his and stood on tiptoe. He leaned down and met me in a brief kiss
. When I slid my hands into his back pockets, pressing myself against him, he let out a groan. He was clearly ready as well. Instead of acknowledging that, he gently grasped my elbows and put a few inches between us.

“I think I better go.”
His voice was strained, his expression pinched. I would’ve possibly been offended, hurt even, if I couldn’t see how badly he really did want to stay.

I let out a whimper. “I don’t want you to. Claire is staying at Sean’s tonight. I have the house to myself.”

I could see him swallow as he tried to rebuild his crumbling resolve. “Then that’s even more reason for me to leave. Now. While I still have a shred of willpower.”

I wanted to laugh at him. He could not possibly be serious! But his expression told me otherwise. He was dead serious.

A small part of me knew I should appreciate this chivalrous act. Just a small part. The rest of me was contemplating begging him to stay. Before I had the chance to do that, he leaned over and pressed a kiss to my forehead.

“You’ve got to know how badly I want you. You are making this
so
damn hard,” he muttered.

I smiled back. “Good. Because I think you’re being silly. I want you. You want me. We’re both adults. It should be that simple.”

He shook his head. “After what happened last time? You should know it’s not that simple. I think we should wait. I want you to be sure, without a doubt. I couldn’t take you running out on me again. Not now.”

I wanted to argue with him, to tell
him that wouldn’t happen. He didn’t give me the chance. He gave me a look that let me know that his word was final. Then he pressed another quick kiss to my forehead and walked away.

In less than a minute, I heard the front door open and close again.

I tossed myself down on the couch, letting my head fall back against the cushions. I closed my eyes and tried to slow down my racing heart. I tried to ignore the wanting ache that still ebbed and flowed throughout my body.

Once I’d succeeded a bit, a small smile found its way onto my lips. While I still wished he would’ve stayed, I understood why he didn’t. He cared about me. He maybe cared about me a whole hell of a lot. He was trying to be damn sure nothing messed that up this time.