Forgive Me (26 page)

“No,” I tell her honestly.

“What were you thinking, Lex?” Her voice is full of concern, not judgment.

I shake my head, taking a sip of coffee before placing it down on the coaster. I relax into Faith’s couch even more and close my eyes. “I wasn’t… obviously.”

“Well you were, but you were thinking with your heart not your head.”

“My heart is evil then.”

She laughs softly and I roll my head to look over at her. She smiles weakly and pretends to give me a glare. “I should be angry at your for tattling on me, but honestly, I’m angry with myself for not telling Zander when I first found out about Emerson.”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. I was just so angry.”

“Oh, me too. Especially when it ended up being my boyfriend from college.”

My jaw drops. “Seriously? And you didn’t punch her?”

She shrugs her shoulders. “We’ve been friends since… oh, I don’t even know, I think we were six or seven. Her dad walked out on her family and her mom up and moved Emerson and her brother to Texas. They were from Alabama. She didn’t have any friends, was so depressed, hardly ever came to school washed up. Her mom was so depressed from everything that she didn’t take care of her kids. Emerson’s brother was seven years older, and was pretty much always gone. I saw her crying in the bathroom one day and helped cheer her up. We’ve been best friends since. But as we got older, her issues with her parents, especially her dad, well….”

“Daddy issues,” I say with an eye roll. “I can tell you all about those.”

“Your family may not have been close to you, but if you were in trouble, they were there for you. Right?” I nod my head. Its pretty true. I just never
asked
for help, so I was never given any. “Well, she used to beg her mom for the simplest of things. It was to the point that when she was nine, she had to cut her own hair and it was- lets just say I was emabrassed for her. Our teacher ended up fixing it during recess.”

“I understand a rough childhood, and I feel awful she had to go through all that, but to betray you the way she did. Then she betrayed Zander. And she made you keep a dirty secret. I just don’t get how she became that person.”

“It may all seem bad to you, Lexi, because you’re putting it that way. I don’t condone in cheating, I hate it, it’s a nasty awful thing. But remember, and don’t take offense to this, but you’re not so perfect yourself. I understand you didn’t have much of a choice in leaving, and I understand the first few years of you not telling anyone about Justin, but by his fifth birthday, Zander
still
didn’t know he was a father. And me…” her face turns the brightest color red. “Well, I slept with my professor in college to get an ‘A’ on my final.”

She looks down, obviously pretty embarrassed. “Gunner was engaged when he met Magnolia and left his fiancé to be with her. Your mom, as you said, had an affair with your father and got pregnant with you. Your dad hasn’t said a word to Justin since you’ve been in town. Bray and her husband run a swingers bar. There is an evil in all of us- we all do wrong. It doesn’t make us bad people, its makes us good people doing malicious things.”

“That bar is a
swingers
bar?”

Faith looks back at me curiously, the edge of her lip twitching as she tries not to smile. “Out of all of that,
that
is what shocks you?”

I laugh softly. “Well, no, but I’m a little irritated she didn’t tell me!” With a sigh, I also say, “You slept with your professor?”

She cracks a small smile. “See, we all make mistakes.”

“Was he at least hot?”

Faith pushes at my arm, her cheeks turning an even dark pink. “Stop it. And yes,” she mumbles. We both start laughing.

“Thank you, Faith. I think I really needed to hear that.”

She nods her head, knowing I did. “What matters after a mistake, is how you deal with it. What you can do to mold from that.”

“I don’t even know where to begin, honestly.”

“Apologizing… sincerely. To both Zander
and
Emerson. She may not have deserved his marriage, at least not without being honest to him first, but she also didn’t deserve to walk in on that conversation minutes before she was supposed to walk down the aisle. And she didn’t deserve having you sleep with her husband right before that either.”

“I know,” I tell her. “I was planning on apologizing to them both. I’ll tell Zander tomorrow when he returns with Justin. I need to apologize to Justin too,” I say. The poor kid has seen a side of me he never even knew existed, and I’m sure he is confused by absolutely everything. I hate that he had to be brought into this mess, but at least Zander made it up to him by bringing him to the hotel tonight.

Zander had come up to me as everyone was getting ready to leave. Thankfully Faith stuck around to give Bray and I a ride home. He wouldn’t really look at me, but instead looked in the other direction. “So, uh, I already paid for the suite. They have a pool and gym at the hotel. Mind if I bring Justin there for the night? I’m sure it’d be fun for him.”

I asked Justin what he wanted, he said he wanted to go, and that was that. I was glad Zander was bringing him somewhere, and I knew I wasn’t in the condition to be a mother. It worked out good, considering the circumstances.

“So, about this professor…”

Faith glares at me before grinning. “Professor Roderick,” she sighs, “this story is going to be good.”

Sitting at the computer desk, searching flights, knowing I’ve made enough of a mess of things here, I hear the roar of an engine. I lean back in the chair to look out the window and spot that lifted black truck. I’m happy to have Justin back home, but I’m too nervous to see Zander. Actually, who am I to think Zander would actually take the time out of his day to come in and see me anyways.

Instead of going out to meet Justin, I just sit correctly in my chair again, continuing to find cheaper tickets back home. If I were to leave Wednesday I could save almost fifty dollars a ticket, but I really wanted to stay until at least Thursday. Switching to a new discounted flight website, I find last minute tickets cheaper than anywhere else and click the link the purchase them.

Standing up to go grab my purse, needing my credit card number, I’m frozen in place when I see Zander leaning against my door frame. He points his thumb over his shoulder. “Justin wanted to take a shower. He is pretty exhausted, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he takes a nap after.”

“Okay, thanks,” I tell him.

Part of me wants to apologize to him, another part wants to run up and kiss his mouth, and the other part of me wants to slap him across the face. I can’t decide if I’m mad at him or not. What he did to me was not okay, but what I did to him was way worse, so I can’t hate him for it.

He just stares for a minute, and I know he has to be having a similar conversation with himself inside his head. His eyes travel down my body before he turns his head to the side. Clearing his throat, he says, “Yeah, so I guess I should probably go. If you need me to take him later for your mom’s services, its no problem, just give me call.”

As Zander starts to walk off, I yell out, “Wait.” I honestly don’t know what I’m going to say, all I know is I don’t want him to leave… yet.

He turns back to face me, placing his thumbs into his front pockets. “Yeah?”

Think, Lexi, think quick. Oh!

“Yeah, I’ll let Justin nap, then why don’t you take him. He doesn’t need to be around a bunch of blubbering relatives that he doesn’t know. It’s going to be awkward enough. Plus, we’re um… we’re leaving Thursday. I’m getting my tickets right now. So whenever you want to spend time with him before then, let me know.”

He steps in closer and cocks his head to the side. “You’re really leaving? You’re really taking him away from me so soon? You couldn’t wait another, what, week?”

I look down bashfully, but I still stand my ground. I get it all out at once. “First off, I really am sorry Zander. I should have never messed with your engagement or your wedding. I should have never let what happened yesterday happen, and I know I have years of apologizing to do.” I look back up at him again, giving him a stern look. “But what you did yesterday was not okay. I’ve been telling you that you’re it for me, that you’re the only one I love, and you used me, Zander. You used me. I never in a million years thought out of everyone in the world, you’d do such a thing to me.”

He avoids my eye contact, and just as he is about to open his mouth, we both hear the bathroom door creak over. Zander turns around and I see Justin come into view on the other side of Zander. “Hey, how was last night?” I ask him.

He smiles at me. “It was awesome! We got take out and had desert off the hotel menu, then we got to swim until ten o’clock last night. After we rented movies and talked sports. I had so much fun! Then this morning we hit up the gym before going to the diner for breakfast.”

I grin at his enthusiasm and happiness. I love that he had such a wonderful time, and with a male role model. Not just any role model, but his father. I swallow down the lump forming in my throat as emotion starts to take over and tell him, “That is awesome. I’m pretty jealous. Sounds like a fun time.”
              “The best! Ever!”

“Well, you can tell me all about it in a moment, okay? I just need to speak to your father for a minute if that is okay?”

He nods his head before a yawn escapes him. “Can we talk after I wake up from a nap? I’m exhausted.”

“Of course, go lay down.” He gives his dad a fist bump and I can’t help but giggle, then he goes into his room, closing the door behind him.

Zander whips his body around to face me then immediately starts stalking towards me. The door closes behind him and before I know what is going on, he grabs the back of my head and pushes his lips onto mine. I take both my hands to his chest and push him away, almost surprising myself. “Don’t,” I tell him. “You don’t have the right to do that right now.”
As much as I want it.

“I messed up.
We
messed up. I’m confused, Lexi, I’m so damn confused.”

“You think!”

He sighs, running his hands over his face in frustration. “Jesus, Lex.” He walks over to the futon and sits hastily. “I’m not sure if you know that I worked with Gunner for a while.” He looks over at me and I nod my head, taking a seat in the computer chair. “Well, when he first started working at the Plantation, I thought he looked familiar. I couldn’t figure it out at first, until someone said ‘
Bennett, get your ass over here,’
and I knew it was your brother.

“I’d occasionally ask questions about your family, hoping I’d find something out about you, but he didn’t seem to know anything about you. And if he did, he never said much. Obviously I knew you guys weren’t close before you left, so it wasn’t all that surprising, but I still expected more. Then one day he talked about how you guys started emailing back and forth.”

He looks straight at me and there is a hurt in his expression I don’t think I can explain. I let him continue though, wanting to know what he has to say for himself. “He mentioned you lived just outside of Toledo, and that you were working hard and doing well. I asked if you were going to college, or married, or anything, trying to sound nonchalant about it. When he said he didn’t think you’d ever get married, you were too career driven, I took a vacation the next week.”

“What do you mean?”

“I took a week off from work, got a plane ticket, and flew out to Ohio to see you.”
              I’m not even sure if I’m hearing him correctly. “You came to see me? How come… why didn’t you-“

“Stop, listen.” I nod my head and lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees while giving him my full attention. “I found your address and stopped by on a Tuesday afternoon. Your grandmother answered the door and when I asked if you were around, she said you were out with Justin, and you weren’t expected home anytime soon. Of course I didn’t know at the time Justin was your son. Well,
our
son. So I immediately assumed he was something more. My plane wasn’t scheduled to return for three days, so I went back to the hotel. The next day I showed up at your work, and you were laughing with some guy who placed his arm around your shoulder. I didn’t try to find you again.”
              “I wasn’t with anyone. I haven’t been with anyone, Zander. I- I wish I would’ve known.”

He continues without missing a beat. “It hurt so much, Lexi. So much. I went out to the bar, got drunk, and pretty much stayed in that state of mind until I left Ohio. When I got home, I saw Gunner at the store when I was buying a twelve pack, and he invited me to go out with his friends. I went along, and that is when I met Emerson. Clay had brought Faith, who brought Emerson. She was meant to be a booty call, but the more I got to know her, the more I fell for her, until all was forgotten and she become the one I loved. I always had love for you Lexi, but I moved on, knowing I didn’t have a choice.”

“But you always had a choice,” I tell him.

“So didn’t you. You did what you truly thought was best, I did what I truly thought was the best. Then when I saw you in front of me at the store… shit, Lexi, fuck.” He looks down, cover his face with his hands again.