Forgive Me (28 page)

Both Torin and Rease tear up as I talk and the three of us pull into a large hug. I’ve been so busy hating my past, that I forget that I’m not the only one who had one. Not everyone has the same struggles, but everyone has them nonetheless. I need to remember that and stop being so selfish.

Pulling out of the hug, we all wipe at our eyes with a small smile on our faces. A clearing of the throat interrupts us and I turn to see my dad standing the threshold of the door. “Good to see you three being sisters,” he says. His eyes are bloodshot and he looks older than he did even last week, but I’m sure the death of his wife has put a toll on him. “Mind if I steal a moment with Lexi?”

I stand up and look down at my sisters. “I hope we can become real sisters,” I tell him honestly.

Rease smiles brightly at me. “Me too.”

I look over at Torin, who is nodding her head at me. “I would like that.”

Grinning, I turn around and walk towards my father. He turns and walks down the hall to his bedroom, so I follow behind him. With a large sigh, he looks at me a gives me a half smile. “I’m not good at speech’s, especially like the one you just made to your sisters or that you made to me either other night, but I have a few things to tell you.”

I nod my head and rest my body against the wall as my dad continues, looking a little discouraged. “I almost left your mom after her… affair. But that meant leaving my sons, too, and I wanted to prove myself as a man. I held some resentment towards her and I kept telling myself I’d never love that child because it was not mine. But when we were in the hospital and she had just delivered you, the nurse handed you to me. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I just picked you up anyways. I can’t explain it, Lex, but I just fell in love with you, despite everything. It wasn’t your fault, you’re right, it never was. And I knew I’d always protect you.”

He reaches into mom’s old jewelry box and pulls out a picture. He hands it to me and I look down at it with a smile. It’s an old Polaroid and on the bottom its dated three days after my birthday. In the picture my mom sitting on the bed, looking up to my father with a smile. He is holding a baby, looking down at the bundled child with pure joy. More tears fall from my face, tears of pure happiness. I wish I had more pictures like this, or even memories of happier times, reminding me that we all were a family once.

“When your mom got pregnant with Rease, I had to pick up more hours. Then when she got pregnant with Torin, I had to get a second job. Her frustration brought frustration out with me, and before you know it, our family wasn’t a family at all. I saw it. Your brothers out gallivanting around town, having all these different girlfriends, your two sisters being babied by your mom, then you were the middle child that was strong and independent. I always admired that about you, that you were able to do everything on your own and you never asked for help.”

Listening to him tell me all this stuff brings a whole new light to my history. I guess seeing things at the young age and seeing them again at a different age, or even at a different point of view, its amazing how much the same story can change.

“It broke my heart the day I found you and Zander,” he says bashfully, looking away. “And when you were gone all of a sudden, and your mom told me you were taking care of my mom, I knew it was a lie. I knew why you were really gone. And it hurt me so much, I didn’t have the ability to come and get you. I felt betrayed.”

“I was only fourteen,” I tell him.

He nods his head, looking back at me. “I’m ashamed of myself. I have been. I thought eventually you’d come back, but you didn’t, and I guess I told myself you were better off there. When you showed up at my front door a couple weeks ago, with Justin by your side, all my guilt came rushing back. I couldn’t even look at the two of you, and not because I was ashamed of you, or not because I don’t love you, I hated myself. It was a reminder of how I gave up on you. How I was no father at all.”

I wipe at the new tears that spring from my eyes and I nod my head, accepting what I assume to be an apology from him. Its more than I envisioned, and I am going to accept it from him.

Walking forward, I place the picture down before wrapping my arms around my dad. He holds me close to him and I feel like I am home. Finally, I’m home.

“Never have I ever eaten Tuna.” Everybody besides Bray lifts their drinks and has a sip.

Clay looks at Bray after and laughs. “Oh how I don’t believe that for one minute.”

She grins wickedly. “The fish.” She winks at him and we all start laughing at her.

“Never have I ever had sex in a public place.” Everyone sans Magnolia and I lift their cups to drink. I gasp at the confessions of everyone. They’re naughty people!

After leaving my dad’s house, my brothers, Faith, Magnolia, and I all meet up with Bray and her husband at Gunner’s. We decided instead of crying and making the situation even more depressing than it already was, we’d have some drinks and games.

Currently we’re playing Never Have I Ever. I had never played before- which is funny considering what the game is. The rules are, you have to name something you’ve never done before, but you know someone at the table has done. Whoever drinks is confessing to have done said thing. The things that they’ve admitted to shocks me at times, and I kind of feel like a loser with the limited amount I’ve had to drink in comparison.

“Your turn,” Magnolia tells me.

“Uhh, never have I ever kissed a girl.”

Everyone besides me lifts their drinks and takes a sip. I look at my sister in laws in amazement. When I first met these girls, I’d have never thought they had such wild sides. All of a sudden Bray pulls me in and presses her lips to mine. I can hear Faith and Magnolia encouraging us as my brothers groan in disgust. I pull away from her and slap her arm. “Gross, don’t do that again, you just admitted to have eaten vagina!”

Gunner starts choking on his drink and the table bursts into laughter. She winks at me, wiping at the edge of her lip. “Not recently.” I pinch my face in disgust as Clay goes next.

“Never have I ever had a threesome.” He looks down, disappointed with himself and I shake my head. Then I start laughing hysterically when Faith looks away from him, taking a sip of her beer. Clay looks at me oddly until he sees where my eyes are focused and he looks over at Faith. “What the hell?!”

She looks at him, sticking at her tongue. “Hey, college.” She shrugs her shoulders, like its not big deal.

He glowers at her. “Damn you. Find us a chick.”

“Gross!” I shout. “Gunner, your turn.”

He laughs and thinks about his turn. “Never have I ever… broke up a wedding.”

I glare at him and everyone starts to snicker. Bray raises her glass high and says, “Hell yeah I’m drinking to that. Come on, Lexi, you should be proud!”

With a grunt, I take a sip of my drink and the table starts clapping, all but Faith who looks down at her drink with an awkwardness. I try to ignore the situation and am thankful when Bray’s husband goes next.

“Never have I ever been to Ohio,” he looks over at me with a grin. I flip him off and am the only one who takes a drink.

“Never have I ever been a parent,” says Bray when its back on her turn. I groan again, taking another sip.

Magnolia takes her turn again. “Never have I ever had brown hair.”

“What the fuck! You guys are ganging up on me!” I grab my beer and down it to the last drop. The table laughs and when I slam my bottle down on the table, I can’t help the shit eating grin on my face, and I join in with the laughter.

We continue playing, and everyone stops ganging up on me. By the end of the game, I’m certain I love Bray’s husband and I’m glad they’re back to working things out. They’re meant for one another, especially if she is okay with the fact he runs a swinger’s bar- which I asked her about. She said it was
their
idea, because there were none in town. I then proceeded to yell at her for bringing me there, which she found hilarious.

The rest of the night was exactly what I needed. I think its something we all needed. I’m sure going to miss this when I’m gone.

To love is nothing.

To be loved is something.

But to love and be loved, that’s everything.

-T. Tolis

“You sure you got everything?” I ask Justin.

He looks around the guest room before nodding his head. “Yeah, I got it all.”

“Good, we need to leave in about ten minutes. Faith will be here to drive us to the airport.”

He looks bummed out, and I feel like a horrible person, but this is what we need to do. It’s part of life, making decisions, knowing not everyone is going to be happy. I feel deep down that I’m making the right choice, and because of that, I’m not changing my mind. Don’t they say your first gut instinct is the one you should always go with? Well, that is what I’m doing.

I bring our suitcases to the front door as Justin grabs both our carry-ons. I watch as Faith pulls into the driveway. “Come on kiddo, we gotta go, Faith is here.”

He nods his head, bringing the carry-ons outside while I again grab the suitcases. I load everything into the trunk and slide into the front seat.

“Got your purse, ID, confirmation number for your tickets, and everything?” Faith asks before driving off. I look into my purse and double check I have everything else.

Nodding my head, I tell her, “All set.”

“Then we’re off.”

Yesterday I got to have dinner with Rease and Torin, and that was nice. Justin tagged along too, and he really enjoyed getting to hang out with his two aunts. After dinner, Justin went to Zander’s for one last night and I ended up having a girl’s night with Bray, watching movies and had some homemade Bahama Mamas. It was a perfect send off in my opinion. I’m a little disappointed that things ended up so unsettled with Zander, but it had to happen that way.

When we arrive at the airport, I pull Faith into a long hug, not wanting to let her go. “I’m going to miss you,” I tell her.

She pulls back and gives me a large smile. “I’m glad we became such good friends.”

“Sisters,” I remind her.

“Sisters,” she agrees.

Justin climbs into the middle and hugs Faith tight as well. “Bye Auntie Faith.”

“Bye, Justin, I love you. Have a safe flight and call us when you land,” she yells out to the both of us.

We get the stuff out of the truck and make our way into the airport. Right before walking into the terminal I inhale the Texan air, knowing I’m going to miss it. It’s funny how much I dreaded coming here, and now I’m dreading leaving.

Most of the flight Justin slept and I read one of the books I had packed, thinking I’d need it while I was there. I didn’t get through half of it by the time we landed, because while I was reading, all these stupid little quotes and sentences and situations reminded me of everything with Zander. Everything! Our fights, the sex, our kisses, the confessions, all of it. I’d start daydreaming, playing things out differently in my head, making the story have a different ending. A happy one, where we ended up together.

By the time the plane lands, my mood is sour and I can feel myself needing some sleep myself. I should have just slept while Justin did, but I just couldn’t bring myself to fall asleep. My mind was racing too much for that.

Nan is waiting for us at the airport and I pull her into the largest hug. She pulls Justin in too, and three of us hold onto one another. I’ve missed this woman so much, its unbelievable.

On the way home, she stops at a fast food joint, getting us take out, then we head home to have a quick and easy supper. While sitting at the table she asks about our time in Texas, and knowing at her old age she probably can’t handle the dramatics of what happened to me, I let Justin talk about his time there. He goes on and on about all the adventures he had, his favorite being working with Gunner.

After getting the table cleaned up, Justin goes to the living room to watch some movie, and I make my way into the bathroom to take a long, overdue bubble bath. Nan makes her way upstairs to her bedroom. That lady is always going to sleep before the sun has even settled. Then again, she is always up before the sun rises in the morning as well. Something about that generation.