Foster Siblings 3: Brokedown Hearts (12 page)

“Shit.” Ben bolted upright to his feet, full of animated life once more. “You aren’t thinking that sleeping on the street is better, are you? Where are you right now?”

“With a friend. But her house is crowded, and her mom probably won’t let me stay more than a few nights.”

“What about your mom?” Ben’s head spun in an effort to organize and create sense of his racing thoughts. “Do you think she can help your dad come around?”

“You’ve met him.” Mikael snorted, and Ben could envision the boy rolling his eyes. “What do you think?”

“I haven’t met
her
, though,” Ben argued. “And he values you guys and that life of yours more than anything. If your mom is strong and accepting of you, she could bring him to a place of acceptance too.”

“I don’t know.” Mikael didn’t speak for a long stretch and then admitted, “Maybe. She’s smoothed things between us before. But not about anything like this.”

Biting the bullet, Ben said, “So then I want you to stay with your friend for as long as her mom will allow you, but I want you to talk with your mom during that time too. See what she can do, or what she’s even willing to do. If you can go home again, I want you to do that.” With no good choices, Ben swallowed down the nasty taste in his throat and went on. “Mika, I know that’s hard for you to hear, but I’ve seen the brutality of the streets too much. I don’t want that for you. It’s not safe, but more than that, it’s cold and hard and ugly and unforgiving. Most kids think they can survive it. Most don’t make it.” Vile memories of a short period in his life from long ago clogged Ben’s throat terribly. “And the ones who do are changed forever.”

“It’s different here,” Mikael reminded Ben. “When I graduate next year, my parents will expect me to move out anyway.”

“That year will make a big difference.”

“Motherfucker. I can’t believe you’re asking me to go back to him after the way he treated you.” Mikael’s voice rose in pitch and volume with each word he spewed.

“It’s different for me.” Ben leaned into the metaphorical stab. The piercing of his flesh didn’t even hurt anymore. “He doesn’t view me as his child the way he does you.”

Mikael snarled, “Which makes me hate him even more.”

“I don’t need you to fight my battles.” Ben swerved and paced in a different direction; otherwise he would hit the wall and start banging his head against it. “We’ve had this discussion before.”

“Fine. I’ll stop bothering you too. It’s not like you even picked up my call tonight, and you always have before. I guess you’re getting bored having a little brother.” Disgust and judgment filled Mikael’s tone. “Man. That didn’t take long.”

Ben’s hackles rose on end. “Don’t try to manipulate me. I don’t like that, and I won’t play into it.”

“I’m sorry.” Mikael backed off immediately. “It’s just… It’s just…” His soft sniffle came through the phone clearer than crystal and tore straight through Ben’s heart. “Tonight was the first time I looked into his eyes and couldn’t tell if he loves me.” Another sniffle, and Mikael said brokenly, “It hurt.”

Ben steeled himself not to cry too. “I know it did.” Memories from five years ago still haunted Ben’s psyche, if not his heart. “I still think there’s hope for things to turn around with him for you, though. I really do.”

A loud, snotty honking came through the phone, and Ben figured Mikael had blown his nose. A moment later, much more steadily, Mikael said, “If you think I should talk to my mom to see if she can make things better, then that’s what I’ll do.”

Slumping in the chair, Ben breathed a sigh of relief. “You’re a good man. I’m glad you called me. I’m sorry you had such a rough night, but I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you. At least I have you, and that’s worth more than some kids who have a bunch of siblings.”

With the warmth in Mikael’s tone, Ben’s heart squeezed. “You’ll always have me. I promised I’ll always pick up the phone, and I will.”

“Even if it did take you a few minutes tonight.” With a laugh, Mikael then asked, “Were you fucking someone?”

Even as visions of David’s long cock and sweet bubble ass filled Ben’s thoughts and reheated his blood, he muttered, “Not appropriate, Mika. That is not a conversation I’m having with you.”

“I noticed you didn’t say no. Oh, hey.” Mikael’s voice rose comically high. “Was someone maybe fucking you?”

His head dropping into his hand, Ben groaned, “Jesus, man. I’m hanging up now.”

“But how am I going to learn if you don’t talk to me about—”

“Bye.” Ben ended the call, but he chuckled as he did—for about two seconds.

Temporarily, Ben had stemmed the tide of Mikael thinking he would be better off as a runaway, but he didn’t know how long it would last. From two meetings with his father, Ben understood two things about Goran Enquist: the man was a bastard, and the man loved his life and family in Sweden. Hopefully the man’s devotion to his wife and son, and his ambitions toward his career, would trump his homophobia enough to let him see the light about his wonderful son. The asshole had to have a soft spot in him somewhere, and Christ knew it hadn’t been for Ben.

With that fire momentarily banked, Ben switched his line of thought to his other problem. Namely, what he’d done with David tonight.
Fuck
. He both cursed himself and shifted in his seat. His balls and shaft still twitched, reminding him how incredible it had felt to slide his cock deeply between the cheeks of David’s incredible, round ass. Fleshy yet tight and toned, David’s ass was the stuff of every gay man’s wettest dreams. And fucking David the way he had this evening, so hot yet so very innocent, had only whetted Ben’s appetite for more. He wanted to taste that pretty, rosy little hole of David’s, relax the hell out of it, and then bury his cock in what Ben already understood would be the tightest passage his dick would ever know.

But wanting to fuck him isn’t the problem; how you behaved with him is
. With a groan, Ben tried to wipe the haggard lines from his face as his body’s attempt to get hard again failed. From David not immediately answering the door, to then seeing that the guy was okay… Shock and fear had mingled with an instant flare of anger, and the second David had tried to push him away, Ben had succumbed to them all and done it so thoroughly it now chilled him to the bone. Ben had never reacted so powerfully from a place of pure emotion before, so much so that he’d tackled David and forced his sexual will on the frightened man.

Even with Braden, whom Ben had genuinely loved, only twice had Ben displayed his full range of passions and let his true self shine through. The first time: one endless night of sex when he’d thought they would be together forever. The second: when Ben had recognized their relationship was over and he’d pushed Braden with everything in him to make the man admit it. Even in those two moments, though, at no point had Ben lost complete control.

With David this evening, Ben had grabbed the man and licked him in such a primal way, without thought to the consequences. Ben hadn’t even been able to successfully kiss the guy at first. He’d
licked
him, like an animal. Then Ben had sucked David’s dick as if he’d never had another man in his mouth before. Worse than that, he’d been seconds from sticking his cock in David’s ass without any protection. Only David’s tangible fear had broken through to Ben and allowed him to pull back. Ben still hadn’t possessed the strength to walk away, though. He hadn’t lied to David when he’d rolled the guy over and pleaded to continue. Ben had needed to put his dick somewhere on David in order to achieve release, or he’d felt certain he would have died.

And maybe I know why
. When Ben had buried his hand in David’s hair, he’d felt the ridged scar on David’s scalp, and Ben had known it was the permanent reminder of the bullet David had used to try to end his life.
Fuck
. Ben scrubbed his face again, worn down in so many ways. For some reason, feeling that scar, knowing that at one point David’s demons had been so bad he’d felt the only way to escape them was to kill himself, and now seeing the fight he put in every day to wake up, keep going, and try to make his life something worth living had cut into Ben and had let some of his own demons slip free.

Still, it was too much. Too much for David. You’ve never let a man see your aggressive neediness like that. And you’ve never pushed at a man the way you did with David
. Ben growled. He tried to find rational reasons for why he’d reacted as he’d done this evening, but needs and long-denied truths screamed in his head.
You were your true self with David tonight, with no filter censoring your thoughts and emotions. David saw a hint of the primitive, violent man you really want to be, and you liked it. You want more.

Ben shoved up from the chair and uttered, “Not a chance.”

He strode to the cracked mirror, braced his hands on the dresser, stared at his image, and didn’t stop until the struggle visible in his eyes abated.

Now fucking get your head back in the game.
Ben didn’t blink, and he didn’t give himself an inch of reprieve.
David is nothing more than a job to pass the time. Don’t forget it again.

With one last stare down with himself, Ben smothered the cry from his soul fighting to get free. He then tore into the bathroom, eager to get the enticing smell of David off his flesh.

Chapter Six

During breakfast two days later, David fiddled with his omelet, but his stomach roiled, rejecting the idea of food. As it had done since Ben had walked out of his room to an urgent phone call from another man.

“Seriously, David?” Brittany asked from across the table, a generous helping of pancakes stabbed onto her fork. “You’re going to invite me to breakfast and then not talk?” After shoving the pancakes into her mouth and chewing, all the while staring, she reached across the table and squeezed his hand. “What is it? I can tell you’re upset, and even Erin says you’ve started to withdraw at work.”

“It’s nothing.” In response to his reply, Brittany twisted her face so comically that David shrugged and said, “Okay, fine, it’s something, but it’s not appropriate to discuss it with you. With anyone,” he amended quickly. “It’s stupid.”

Every feature on Brittany’s pretty face softened. “David, we’re family; everything is okay between us. Besides, who has listened to me go on and on, back and forth, about wishing Travis and I can have a baby right away but worrying about doing such a big thing up here, without my family? Then there’s his family, who you know I worry either won’t be helpful at all or will want to take over the raising of a baby to what they think is suitable. My goodness, you let me call you at the prison, come visit you, and worry endlessly to you about it. I haven’t talked about those fears with anyone. I’ve shared more of my concerns with you than I have with Travis. You can tell me anything. I want you to feel like you can.” She shoveled another forkful of pancakes into her mouth, paused to chew, and then mumbled, “Otherwise this friendship is going to feel awfully lopsided.” Before going for more food, she frowned, and a hint of wetness clouded her eyes. “And I don’t want to feel like I’m always taking from you.”

Brittany’s ease with showing her emotions tugged David in, lulling him with the luxury of one friendship that didn’t have any barriers or judgment. Plus, nearly two full days of overthinking and worrying about Ben haunted David. He was scared about whether his head was in the right space. He kept daydreaming about everything he and Ben had done, which made him happy and hot, but then he’d remember the phone call from the young blond, and hurt and confusion would replace the joy, and all of it together had tied David into a confusing, painful jumble of knots.

One more look at the open concern in Brittany, and David’s need for a friend won out.

With heat burning all the way up to the tips of his ears, David took a big gulp of orange juice and blurted, “All right. Fine. Here it goes.”

Lowering his voice considerably, even though it was past the breakfast hour and there weren’t many people in the restaurant, David shared what had happened with Ben—albeit a cleaned-up version—from how much he’d enjoyed his time with Ben, to the call from the cute twink that had come on the tail end, to not having heard from and not seen Ben since.

By the time David finished sharing, he’d balled up all his nerves into one big knot in his stomach. “I know I shouldn’t let this kind of stuff get to me, and that I have no right to pry into Ben’s life, but I’m stupidly upset and scared and confused, and I don’t know what to do.” Hearing the words coming out of his mouth, David twisted up into a tighter ball inside. “And it’s not like I know much about him. It’s not sane to feel attached to him and so attracted already.” Admitting to these desires aloud, David shrank back as fear clogged his throat even more. “Brit,” he croaked, “I’m so scared of going crazy and doing something dangerous again.”

Brittany shrugged. “I don’t know about that. Not about your desire to know more about this guy, or about feeling like you’re nuts for thinking the way you are right now. This Ben guy”—she leaned across the table and mouthed,
gave you a blowjob
, then pulled back and returned to her food—“among other things. To me, that entitles you to ask a few personal questions.” She stabbed her fork in his direction. “And certainly ones that potentially involve other men he might be sharing intimacy with too.”

“It’s different for gay men. Jeez”—a jagged, trilling laugh escaped David—“it’s probably different for men, period. If a straight guy could get a random girl to take care of those kinds of things for him without consequences, you can bet he’d be all over it. With two guys, I think it’s just supposed to be assumed that it doesn’t have to be a big deal. It’s just giving pleasure and release.” Rubbing his tension-filled brow, David winced. “I think.” His head started to pound, and he muttered, “Heck, Brit. I don’t know.”

“And that’s why you should ask. You shouldn’t assume what’s on this guy’s mind. He could be feeling just as much as you.”

With that possibility uttered aloud by another person—something David secretly, so stupidly, wrongly wanted to be true—the blood drained into his feet, leaving him freezing. “No, you didn’t see how he panicked when that ringtone sounded on his phone. If he’s feeling something, it’s for that Mikael guy, not for me.”