Friends Forever (18 page)

“That’s too bad. I haven’t done too well in that department either. There isn’t a lot of campus life at an urban school. I haven’t even had a date since last summer, although my roommate has turned out to be the slut of the village. She screws everything that moves.” Izzie hadn’t had a serious romance yet, and her virginity was beginning to feel like a permanent condition. “You know, maybe we ought to take care of this situation together. I want to get rid of my virginity. So do you. Maybe it would give us a certain aura of sophistication,” she suggested, after their second glass of wine. They were halfway through the bottle, and in the altitude, it had hit them harder than they knew. Izzie was looking just a little cross-eyed as she tried to focus on Andy, who stared at her in amazement. And she looked sexy and pretty to him with her hair down. She always had seemed great to him, but he had just thought of her like a sister.

“Are you serious?” He thought she had to be kidding, but he could see she wasn’t. The idea of what she was suggesting excited him more than he’d expected.

“Sure. Why not? Besides, what if we really like each other? More than as just friends, I mean. Maybe we’ll turn out to be fabulous in bed, with real natural aptitude. It could happen. Besides, everyone we know is getting laid except us.” That wasn’t entirely true, and they both knew it. Sean was still a virgin too, or had been when he left for college in late August, and he hadn’t informed them of any change in status. But Billy and Gabby had been sexually involved since they were fifteen, and Izzie knew that most of her classmates were no longer virgins, and hadn’t been for a year or two. “You and I are the last people on the planet who have never tasted the pleasures of the flesh,” she said, with a lustful look at him and a sip of her third glass of wine. Andy had just finished his second. To Izzie he looked sexy and handsome, and she was attracted to him.

“What are you suggesting?” Andy had the only single room in the house—he wasn’t sharing with anyone since it was actually a maid’s room. Izzie pointed vaguely in that direction. She was bunking in the dorm room, so it was not an option. And before either of them could reconsider, Andy pulled her to her feet, they took the wine and their glasses, and walked softly to the room where he was staying. Andy suddenly felt as though his whole body were throbbing, and Izzie was weaving a little unsteadily as she followed him to his room with a giggle. She wasn’t sure what to expect the first time and hoped it wouldn’t be too painful. She had heard horror stories from friends, and also good ones.

“I don’t have a condom,” he said with a tone of desperation in the dark, after he closed the door to the tiny room. He could see her face in the moonlight, and she looked beautiful. And he wasn’t about to miss this opportunity and wake one of the others to ask for a condom. He had always thought Izzie was lovely looking with her big brown eyes, perfect features, and long wavy brown hair, and now she was offering herself to him. It opened a thousand doors in his imagination as she unzipped his jeans.

“I trust you,” she said simply, and meant it about the condom, as she started to take her clothes off, and he stepped out of his jeans. He had long muscular legs, and a body that would never be better than it was at this moment. She pulled her sweater over her head and unhooked her bra, and her small, perfectly round breasts gleamed like snow in the moonlight. They were creamy white as he cupped them with his hands, and they climbed into his bed together and took the rest of their clothes off. He ran his hands all over her body, and had an overwhelming erection, as she wondered what that would feel like once it was inside her. She tried not to think of it or be scared as she closed her eyes, and he felt between her legs. He had gone pretty far with girls on dates before, but never this far, and before he could stop himself or discuss it further with her, he was in her, and had never felt anything as incredible before, and he realized a moment later that she gave a gasp of pain, but he couldn’t stop himself now. It was sharp and fast and over very quickly, and he held her for a few moments afterward, wondering if she was sorry. He wasn’t. It had been spectacular for him, and all he wanted to do now was tell her he loved her. He looked down at her face and saw that she looked startled, and there was a small drop of blood where she had bitten her lip so as not to cry out.

“Did I hurt you?” he asked, looking worried.

“No, it was fine. Everyone says it’s easier the second time.” She pulled him close to her then, and they held each other in the moonlight for a long time. He wanted to make love to her again, but he didn’t want to hurt her.

“Are you sorry?” he finally managed to whisper.

“Of course not,” she said bravely, wondering why it had seemed like such a good idea when they started drinking the wine. She had always loved him, but she wasn’t in love with him. She was certain of it now. Maybe it had been a good test, but she knew they had started something complicated that night, and he was going to be away, at college and in med school, for a long, long time. “Are you sorry?” she asked him in the dark.

“How could I be?” He smiled down at her. “I think I’ve always been in love with you.” But she hadn’t been, and still wasn’t. She loved him, as a friend and a brother. And it felt incestuous having sex with him. This was about more than losing her virginity. It was a mistake, and she knew it.

“I’d better go back,” she said after a while. She didn’t want the others to see her coming out of his room in the morning, and Andy didn’t want that either. He wanted to protect her, and for now, what they had done was nobody’s business. He got up to take her back to the dorm room, and he stood naked in the moonlight, looking like a young Greek god. Even Izzie wasn’t impervious to his beauty, and she wished she felt differently than she did, but she didn’t.

And now all she could think of was that she was terrified of getting pregnant. They had used no protection. She wasn’t afraid of getting a disease from him, only a baby, which was a major fear. It was all she could think of now. “Don’t come with me,” she whispered, and he kissed her, and then she put her clothes back on, and when she left, she took the wine and glasses with her. She stopped in the kitchen to empty the last dregs into the sink, and bury the bottle in the trash. She washed the wineglasses and put them away, and then she tiptoed back to the dorm room, got undressed again, and put her nightgown on in the bathroom after washing the blood off her legs. She was thinking about Andy and wondered what would happen now. Their parents would be devastated if she got pregnant, especially his, but hers wouldn’t be happy either. She couldn’t even think of the relationship they might or might not have, and probably shouldn’t, only the baby that would ruin both their lives. Andy had just turned nineteen and had ten or eleven years of study ahead of him, and she was eighteen.

She lay down in bed and pulled the covers up to her chin. The others hadn’t woken up when she came in, and she tried to remember what it had been like making love with him, but she didn’t really want to. She just wanted to float away and be someplace different, on a beach somewhere, all by herself. The room was spinning slightly as she closed her eyes, and she felt a little sick, and a moment later she was sound asleep.

Izzie didn’t see Andy again until breakfast the next morning. The girl Sean had brought with him was helping him and Gabby make breakfast. No one particularly liked her, she talked a lot and was a little giddy. She was chattering loudly, and Izzie walked in looking like she’d been dragged behind a horse all night. She squinted her eyes in the morning brightness and had a fearsome headache. The wine and the altitude had hit her hard. And as soon as she’d woken up, she remembered what had happened the night before. And so did Andy. He strolled into the kitchen, looking like the king of the universe, and smiled at Izzie.

“Hi,” she said absently, and went to sit down with a cup of coffee.

“Are you okay?” he asked solicitously, but no one noticed. They were always nice to each other, and this was no different, except to her. She wanted to tell him she was sure she was pregnant. She had heard stories like that before, of girls who had sex for the first time, and bingo they were pregnant. And his mother would be delivering her baby nine months from now. The thought of it made her head spin, and her hangover didn’t help.

“I have a headache,” she said, without explaining more, and he nodded. He did too, from the wine, but he didn’t care. He was so excited about what they’d done, and his feelings about her, that he felt like he was flying. Izzie felt more like she was crawling around on all fours, and would have liked to. Flying was not in the cards for her today.

Andy helped himself to an enormous breakfast and sat down at the kitchen table with the others. Gabby started putting sunblock on her face, to get ready for a day of skiing. She couldn’t afford to get some weird tan that would make her ineligible at a go-see, and she always took good care of her skin and got regular facials, just like her mother.

The sun was shining, and the snow looked spectacular. Everyone was in a good mood and ready for the slopes, except Izzie. She went to put the rest of her clothes on and a little while later Gabby walked into the dorm room and looked at her, sitting on the edge of her bed, with a devastated expression.

“Are you okay?” Gabby asked her, and she was about to say yes, and then shook her head and started crying. Gabby sat down next to her and put her arms around her. They were alone in the room, since the other girls were still at breakfast.

“I did something really stupid last night,” Izzie said in muffled tones into her friend’s shoulder.

“How stupid?” Gabby looked worried. There were no new guys on the scene to do anything stupid with, so she was instantly afraid it might be drugs.

“
Really
stupid,” Izzie said miserably. “I had unprotected sex.” Gabby pulled away from her and looked at her in confusion.

“You did? With who?” There was no one there to sleep with except their old familiar crowd of best friends, and Gabby couldn’t imagine her doing that with any of the boys, but apparently she had. “Sean?” It was the only possibility she could think of, although even that seemed unlikely. But Izzie had always been closer to him than to Billy or Andy. And Gabby knew Sean told her everything, and she had been very supportive after Kevin died, and she really liked his mother. But Izzie shook her head.

“Andy.”

“You did? Wow … I never expected that, although he’s really handsome. He just seems like such a kid to me. I guess he isn’t anymore.” Gabby smiled at her. Billy was the only one who had looked like a man for years, and their long-standing affair with each other had matured both of them. In a lot of ways, she seemed older than Izzie, who was still a kid, and a student. Gabby was a woman, and out in the world, particularly since graduating from school. “So are you crazy about him?” Gabby asked with a motherly look.

“No more than I was before,” Izzie said honestly. “It was a stupid thing to do. It’s going to screw everything up with us. And what if I get pregnant?”

“You didn’t use anything? You’re not on the Pill?” Izzie shook her head miserably, and Gabby dove into the toilet bag she had brought with her and came out with a box of pills. “Take this. It’s a morning-after pill. It’ll keep you from getting pregnant. Once in a while I screw up on my Pill, or have stomach flu or something. If you’re on an antibiotic, birth control pills don’t work. This will. It’ll cover you for a slip.” Gabby was an encyclopedia of information, and Izzie took it from her hand and swallowed it instantly with a grateful look. She didn’t want to waste a minute.

“Thank you. I was ready to go jump off a cliff somewhere.”

“No problem. So what are you going to do now? About Andy?”

“I don’t know. I think I have to tell him that it was a mistake, for both of us. I love our friendship the way it was. We all grew up together. You and Billy are different, because you’ve been a couple for years. For the rest of us, it would be a dumb thing to do. And besides, he’s going to be away at school for a million years.” Gabby nodded. She didn’t disagree. They were like brothers and sisters now, except for her and Billy.

“What are you going to say?”

“I don’t know. I’ll figure it out as I go along. I think I’ll stay home today.” She didn’t want to tell her she was hung over too. What she’d admitted to was bad enough, from her point of view. “The whole thing was my idea. I suggested it to him, so we could both get rid of our virginity. But it’s not quite as simple as that. It gets complicated very quickly.” The fear of pregnancy alone had brought her back to earth in an instant. And the fear of ruining their friendship was nearly as bad.

“He probably feels that way too,” Gabby reassured her.

But as it turned out, he didn’t. He was thrilled with what had happened the night before and was already telling himself he was in love with her, and all day while he was skiing, he fantasized about making love to her and nearly hit a tree, he was so distracted. Sean had shouted a warning to him and gave him hell for not paying attention. Andy was on cloud nine, and he looked at Izzie with disappointment in his eyes when she told him that afternoon that she thought what they’d done the night before was a big mistake.

“Was it that bad for you?” He looked crushed and as though he had failed abysmally in his first sexual venture.

“Of course not. It hurt a little, but they say it doesn’t the second time. I just don’t want to screw up what we have. You’re like my brother, and you’re going to be in med school for the next hundred years.” He knew it was more than that. She just wasn’t attracted to him but she wanted to spare his feelings. She continued, “And if we have a romance that doesn’t work out, or we hurt each other’s feelings, we could wind up hating each other, and I don’t want that to happen. You mean too much to me. I don’t ever want to lose you.” What she said was flattering in a way, about how important he was to her, but it hurt his feelings anyway, and he felt it like a reflection on his sexual performance. “You’re beautiful,” she reassured him. “You have a gorgeous body. You’re great in bed, or going to be. I just don’t want to trade our friendship for meaningless sex.” He looked insulted again when she said it.