From the Heart (16 page)

I
t was July before Kasey knew it. There were wildflowers in the woods and geraniums in the kitchen window box. At night the crickets sang incessantly. She could lie in bed late and listen to them while the baby moved restlessly inside her. He's in a hurry, she thought. Or they are. Her grandfather was all but certain there were two. She had refused his suggestion that they go down to the hospital and make certain. She wanted to be surprised.

It had been a long time since she had slept deeply. The baby wouldn't permit it.
They
wouldn't permit it. Kasey didn't need any sophisticated equipment to tell her there were two. No one baby could be so active. When one slept, the other was wide awake and kicking. And she was huge.

Kasey rested a hand on either side of her stomach. I won't go full term, she mused. Twins traditionally arrive early. Closing her eyes, she began to drift again. She liked the movements inside her, liked knowing life was growing, impatient to arrive. She could almost see how they would look. A boy and a girl, she thought, with warm, brown hair and dark blue eyes. When she looked at the eyes, she would think of Jordan.

She shifted again as she felt the distinct shove of an elbow. What was he doing now? she wondered. What time was it in California? Early enough that he might still be working? Would he have finished the book? Kasey wanted badly to find
it in a bookstore, to bring it home and closet herself with it. It would bring him back, along with all the hours they had spent together in his study. She could save it for her children. They would never know it was their father who had written it, but they would learn to admire and respect him through his words. She wanted that for them and for Jordan.

And Alison. Kasey rolled from her side to her back. She had written the girl, as she had promised. Her own zigzagging course across the country had made it impossible for Alison to answer. I should hear from her soon now, Kasey mused. I've been settled for nearly two months. I wrote nearly three weeks ago.

Kasey pulled herself from bed and walked to the window. It was hot and sultry, making sleep that much more difficult. It might be best if she did forget me. I can hardly ask her to visit me now. She stroked her hand over her stomach. There'd be no way to explain to her and no way to be certain Jordan wouldn't find out. He'll take care of her and keep her safe. And I'll do the same for our babies.

The movement inside her stopped. Kasey went back to bed and slept.

 

Dr. Brennan watched Kasey as she knelt on the ground between rows of vegetables and weeded. She was blooming. He had no worries about her physically. She was the picture of health, and strong. She had taken up her life again with characteristic enthusiasm. He was proud of her.

He had some doubts about the wisdom of her decision, but she was dead certain. He had plans to speak with her again about Jordan, but he would give her until she had delivered and was on her feet again. The baby was his main concern. And the baby's mother.

“I don't know why I planted lima beans,” she muttered and ripped at a stubborn weed. “I hate lima beans, but I just love the way they all sit in a fat little pod. I suppose I could have them bronzed.” She sat back on her heels and dusted her hands. “Some of the tomatoes are ripe. You could have them with supper tonight with the corn Lloyd Cramer gave you for his appendix.” She shielded her eyes from the sun and smiled up at him.

“I got the best of the deal. His appendix was in bad shape.”

“You're so mercenary.” She held up a hand so he could help her to her feet, then she kissed him with her usual exuberance. “Do you think I should water the garden? It hasn't rained all week.”

He glanced up at the sky. “Watering the garden's a sure way to bring it on. We could use it. The heat's keeping you up at night.”

“That, among other things.” She patted her stomach. “And, no, I'm not tired.” She laughed, anticipating his question. “I've got enough energy for all of us.”

“Did you have your milk today?”

“My carrots aren't doing well,” Kasey responded. “I'm going to get the hose.”

“I'll water it this evening when it cools off. Go have a glass now.”

“I'll throw up,” she threatened.

“That hasn't worked since you were twelve.”

She narrowed her eyes, measuring him. She knew he was every bit as stubborn as she was. “I'm going to make scalloped potatoes for dinner. And vanilla custard. That's enough milk for anybody.”

“You'll get fat.”

“I
am
fat.” She dashed into the house before he could comment.

She sat at the kitchen table and peeled. A small mountain of potatoes was growing in front of her. There was something soothing in the simple, mindless chore, and she skinned more than her grandfather and she could possibly eat in a single sitting. We'll have leftovers, she decided and glanced at the pile. All week. This is the last one, she promised herself and shook the potato in her hand. Or we'll have to invite the neighborhood. She didn't glance up as the door opened but continued wielding the peeler. “You might have to dig up a couple of starving patients,” she said aloud. “I got carried away here. You know, they don't peel potatoes by hand in the army anymore, a terrible lack of tradition. They have these machines, and . . .”

She glanced up and froze.

Jordan watched the color drain slowly from her face. He
saw vivid shock in her eyes, and fear. The fear made his stomach twist. She dropped the peeler, and her hands shot under the table.

Oh, God, dear God, she thought desperately. What do I do? What do I say?

He said nothing, but his eyes were riveted on her face. Her hair was longer, he noted, almost to her shoulders now.
When had she grown beautiful?
She had been striking, alluring, unforgettable. But when had she grown beautiful? He couldn't take his eyes from her face. How long had he waited to see it again, to watch it light up for him? It wasn't lit now, it was terrified. That was his doing, but it wasn't too late. It couldn't be too late. All these months of desperation couldn't be for nothing.

Was her skin as soft as he remembered? Would she cringe if he touched her? He was afraid to test it and could only stare at her.

Kasey gripped her hands together tightly under the table. She had to do something, to say something. She waited a moment until she was certain her voice wouldn't give her away.

“Hello, Jordan.” She smiled at him while her nails bit into her palms. “Passing through?”

He took a few steps toward her but kept the table between them. Without it he would have to touch her. “I've been looking for you for months.” It came out as an accusation. He hadn't meant to greet her that way. He had sworn to himself he would be calm, but calmness had deserted him the moment she had looked up at him.

“Have you?” Kasey managed to keep her eyes level. “I'm sorry. I've been doing some traveling. Is it something about the book? I don't know of anything we didn't cover.”

“Would you stop!”
He was shouting at her. How could he be shouting at her now? he asked himself. But he couldn't stop. Everything that had kept him going since she had left had crumbled the moment he had set eyes on her again. “I've spent six months in hell. How can you sit there looking at me as though I were a neighbor dropping in for a visit?” He skirted the table before she could speak and dragged her to her feet. “Damn it, Kasey . . .” His voice trailed off as he
looked at her. “Oh, God.” It was barely more than a whisper as his gaze swept down, then up to her face again. “You're pregnant.”

“Yes, I am.” His hold had loosened. She felt his fingers drop away one at a time. He stared at her as though he'd never seen her before.

“You . . .” He shook his head as if he were resurfacing. “You're carrying my child, and you haven't told me.”

She took a step away from him. “My child, Jordan. I never said it was yours.”

She was pulled back against him so quickly, she didn't have time to gasp. His eyes were no longer blank, but furious. “Look at me,” he demanded between his teeth. “Look at me and say it's not mine.” He saw the fear jump into her eyes again and released her. Why couldn't he stop himself from repeating the mistake that had caused him to lose her? Jordan turned away and searched for control. He hadn't been prepared for this. How could he have been prepared for this? A long, long moment passed before he could trust himself to speak again.

“In God's name, Kasey,” he said quietly. “How could you keep this from me? No matter how you felt about me, I had a right to know.”

“My baby has rights, Jordan.” Her voice held the deadly calm of desperation. “I'm not concerned with yours.”

He faced her again, ready to plead if necessary. He'd shelved his pride months before. “Don't shut me out, Kasey, please.” He started to touch her, then, when she stiffened, he dropped his hand to his side. There were a hundred things he had planned to say when he finally found her, but now there was only one. “I love you.”

“No!”
She struck out at him in a furious slap. “Don't you say that to me! Don't you dare say that to me now.” Her eyes were dry one minute and flooding the next. “I would have given anything to have heard that from you six months ago.
Anything.
What you gave me was a note and a check for services rendered, as though I were a—”

“No, Kasey. Please, you can't think . . .” He reached for her again, but she pushed him away.

“I haven't slept with many men. Surprised?” She drew both
hands over her cheeks to push away tears. “But you're the first who ever left payment.”

“Kasey, no, it was nothing like that.” Her words left him shaken. “Let me explain.”

“I don't want explanations.” She shook her head and walked away from him. “I want you to go. I asked you once before to leave me alone. Now I'm asking you again.”

“I couldn't then, I can't now. Don't you understand?”

“I don't want to understand.” She took deep breaths. “I don't need to.” Her voice was calm again, but she didn't turn to him. “I'm sorry I hit you. I've never done anything like that before.”

“Kasey, please.” Gently he touched her shoulder. “Just sit down and listen to me. You loved me once. I can't leave this way.” She didn't move. She didn't answer. Jordan felt the panic rising up and forced it down again. “Just hear me out, then I'll go if that's what you want.”

“All right.” She moved away from his touch and sat down. “I'll listen to you.”

He didn't know where to begin or how. Where were his words? “When I woke up that last morning . . .” He hesitated. His mind was so crowded with all he wanted to say, and his emotions were hammering at him. She carried his child inside her. Right now she had her hands folded over her stomach as if she would protect what was partly his from him.

“When I woke up,” he continued, “I hated myself. I remembered that I had come into your room. I remembered everything I had said to you, what I had done. You were still sleeping. I left the note because I thought you wouldn't want to see me again.”

“Why did you think that?”

“Dear God, Kasey, I . . .” He had had to deal with it for half a year, and now he had to say it. “I raped you. I woke up and there were bruises on your arms that I had put there.” Now it was he who turned away. He walked to a window, and his knuckles whitened on the sill. “I'll have to live with that for my entire life.”

Kasey sat in silence for a moment. An honorable man, she thought and laid her hands on the arms of the chair. And an honorable man can't bear knowing he could contemplate
doing something dishonorable. Perhaps if she hadn't hurt so badly herself, she could have read his pain in the note he had left her.

“Jordan.” She waited until he turned to face her again. “What happened that night was a long way from rape. I could have stopped you or fought you all the way. You know I didn't.”

“It wouldn't have made any difference if you had.” He walked to her again. “I was drunk and crazy. I hurt you. You told me from the very beginning I would.” He paused again but never took his eyes from her face. “I think you should know that I was going to ask you to marry me that night.” He saw the shock fill her eyes before they closed.

“When I got back from seeing Harry and found you'd gone, I couldn't believe it. I got angry quickly; it was easier to deal with that way. You opened me up, forced me to feel again, and then when you meant everything to me, you walked away. I wanted to hurt you.”

She still sat with her eyes closed, and he studied her face as he spoke. “For weeks, those first weeks after you walked into my life, I had told myself I couldn't be in love with you. It was too quick. I was just attracted, intrigued. If I hadn't been such a fool, I might not have lost you. You gave me everything freely, and I took it, but I was afraid to give too much back to you.”

She opened up her eyes again and looked at him. “There's too much in the way even now, Jordan. Please don't say any more.”

“You told me you'd listen. You're going to hear it all.” He watched her hands slip back over the baby. Something ripped inside him, and he took a moment before continuing. “After that last night together, when you'd gone, I tried to forget. I told myself you'd lied to me. I told myself you'd been playing a game. Then I'd remember how you looked that first time you told me you loved me. I knew you had gone because I hadn't given you anything back and because when I'd had my last chance, I'd hurt you.”

“Jordan, it's done,” she began. “Don't—”

“I tried to live without you.” He shook his head and crouched down in front of her chair so their eyes were nearly
level. “There was no color. You'd taken all the color with you. I came after you.”