Full Circle (40 page)

“Come on, Tan, don't take it so hard. We're going to miss you, too, you know.” A fresh burst of tears escaped from her and he smiled. It brought tears to his eyes too. She would be leaving soon, if she accepted it. And she had suffered long enough. He forced her to sit down, looked her square in the eye. “You're being offered a seat on the bench, sweetheart. Judge Roberts of the Municipal Court. How does that sound to you?”

“I am?” She stared at him, unable to absorb it all.
“I am?
I'm not being fired?” She started to cry all over again, and she blew her nose again, suddenly laughing at the same time. “I'm not … you're kidding me.…”

“I wish I were.” But he looked delighted for her and she suddenly gave a small scream, realizing what he'd done to her.

“Oh, you son of a bitch … I thought you were firing me!” He laughed.

“I apologize. I just thought I'd create a little excitement in your life.”

“Shit.” She looked at him in disbelief and blew her nose again but she was too stunned at what he was telling her to even be angry at him. “My God … how did that happen?”

“I've seen it coming for a long time, Tan. I knew it would happen eventually. I just didn't know when. And I'll lay you odds you're in superior court by this time next year. You're perfect for it after your track record here.”

“Oh, Larry … my God … an appointment to the bench…” The words were almost beyond her ken. “I just can't believe it.” She looked up at him. “I'm thirty-seven years old, and I never even thought of that.”

“Well, thank God someone did.” He held out a hand and shook hers as she beamed. “Congratulations, Tan, you deserve every bit of it. They want to induct you in three weeks.”

“So soon? What about my work … Christ, I have a case that goes to trial on the twenty-third…” She knit her brows and he laughed at her and waved a hand magnanimously.

“Forget it, Tan. Why don't you take some time off, and get ready for the new job? Just dump it all on someone else's desk for a change. Use this week to wrap up and then get yourself sorted out at home.”

“What do I have to do?” She still looked stunned and he smiled at her. “Shop for robes?”

“No.” He laughed. “But I think you may have some house hunting to do. Do you still live in Marin?” He knew she'd lived with someone for the past couple of years, but he wasn't sure if she'd kept her own place in town or not. She nodded at him. “You've got to have a place in town, Tan.”

“How come?”

“It's a condition of being a San Francisco judge. You can keep the other place, but your main residence has to be here.”

“Do I really have to stick to that?” She looked upset.

“Pretty much. During the week anyway.”

“Christ.” She stared into space for a minute, thinking of Jack. Suddenly her whole life had turned upside down. “I'll have to do something about that.”

“You've got plenty to do in the next few weeks, and first of all you have to respond.” He put on an official voice. “Tana Roberts, do you accept the seat on the bench that has been offered you, to serve as a municipal court judge in the city and county of San Francisco?”

She looked at him in awe. “I do.”

He stood up and smiled at her, happy at the good fortune that had befallen her so deservedly. “Good luck, Tan. We'll miss you here.” Tears sprang to her eyes again and she was still in shock when she went back to her own desk and sat down. There were a thousand things she had to do. Empty her desk, look over her caseload, brief someone else about the cases she was passing on, call Harry, tell Jack … Jack … ! she suddenly looked at her watch and grabbed the phone. The secretary said he was in a meeting but Tana told her to get him anyway.

“Hi, babe, you okay?”

“Yes.” She sounded breathless on the phone. She didn't know where to start. “You won't believe what happened, Jack.”

“I wondered what the hell was going on when they called you at home. What is it, Tan?”

She took a deep breath. “They just offered me a seat on the bench.” There was total silence at the other end.

“At your age?”

“Isn't that incredible?” She was beaming now. “I mean, would you believe … I never thought.…”

“I'm happy for you, Tan.” He sounded quiet, but pleased, and then she remembered what the D.A. had said. She had to find a place in town, but she didn't want to tell him that on the phone.

“Thank you, sweetheart. I'm still in shock. Is Harry there?”

“No, he's not in today.”

“He's sure out a lot lately, isn't he? What's up?”

“I think he's in Tahoe with Ave and the kids for a long weekend. You can call him there.”

“I'll wait till he gets back. I want to see his face.” But the face she didn't want to see was Jack's when she told him she had to move out of Marin.

“I wondered about that after you called.” He looked sad when she told him that night. He was obviously upset and so was she, but she was terribly excited too. She had even called her mother, and Jean had been stunned. “My daughter, a judge?” She had been thrilled for Tana. Maybe things did work out in the end, and she had met Jack once and he seemed nice to her. She hoped they would get married eventually, even if Tana was too old for children now. But as a judge, maybe that didn't matter as much. Even Arthur had been thrilled for her. Jean had explained it to him several times.

Tana looked at Jack now. “How do you feel about living in town during the week?”

“Not great.” He was honest with her. “It's so damn comfortable for us here.”

“I thought I'd look for something small that we don't have to worry about. An apartment, a condo, a studio, even.…” As though she could pretend it wasn't happening but he shook his head.

“We'd go nuts after all the room we're used to here.” For two years they had lived like kings, with a huge master bedroom, offices for each of them, a living room, dining room, guest room for Barb, sweeping view of the Bay. A studio would feel like a jail cell after that.

“Well, I've got to do something, Jack, and I only have three weeks.” She looked faintly annoyed at him, he wasn't making it easier for her, and she wondered if the appointment bothered him. It would be natural that it would, at least at first, but she hardly had time to think of that in the next few weeks. She divided her case load up, emptied her desk, and ran around looking at every condo available until the real estate agent called halfway into the second week. She had something “very special” she wanted Tana to see, in Pacific Heights.

“It's not exactly what you had in mind, but it's worth a look.” And when she went, it was more than that. It was a dollhouse that took her breath away, a tiny gingerbread jewel, painted beige with dollops of cinnamon and cream. It was absolutely impeccable, with inlaid floors, marble fireplaces in just about every room, huge closets, perfect lighting, double French doors, and a view of the Bay. Tana would never have thought of looking for something like it, but now that she was here, there was no way she could resist.

“How much is the rent?” She knew it would be ferocious. The place looked like something out of a magazine.

“It's not for rent.” The agent smiled at her. “It's for sale.” She told her the price, and Tana was amazed at how reasonable it was. It wasn't cheap, but it wouldn't have destroyed her savings at one blow, and at the price that was being asked, it was actually a good investment for her. It was irresistible in every possible way, and it was perfect for her. One large bedroom on the second floor, a dressing room with mirrored walls, a tiny den with a brick fireplace, and downstairs, one large, beautiful living room and a tiny country kitchen that gave out onto a patio framed with trees. She signed away her life, put the deposit down, and turned up in Jack's office, looking nervous about what she'd done. She knew it wasn't a mistake, but still … it was such an independent thing to do, so solitary, so grown up … and she hadn't asked him.

“Good Lord, who died?” He stepped into the anteroom and saw her face, as she laughed nervously. “That's better.” He kissed her neck. “You practicing to be a judge? You're going to scare people half to death running around with a face like that.”

“I just did a crazy thing.” The words tumbled out and he smiled. He had had a rough day, and it wasn't even two o'clock yet.

“So what else is new? Come on in and tell me about it.” Tana saw that Harry's door was closed, and she didn't knock. She passed right into Jack's large, pleasant room in the Victorian they'd bought five years before. That had been a good investment for them, maybe it would help make him understand what she'd done. He smiled at her from across his desk. “So what'd you do?”

“I think I just bought a house.” She looked like a frightened kid and he laughed at her.

“You
think
you did. I see. And what makes you think that?” He sounded as he always did, but his eyes were different now and she wondered why.

“Actually, I signed the papers … oh Jack … I hope I did the right thing.”

“Do you like it?”

“I'm in love with it.” He looked surprised, neither of them had wanted to own a house before. They had talked about it several times. They had no need of permanence, and he hadn't changed his mind. But apparently she had and he wondered why. A lot seemed to have changed in the last ten days, mostly for her. Nothing had changed for him.

“Won't that be a lot of trouble for you, Tan? Keeping it up, worrying about a leaky roof, and all that stuff we talked about before and didn't want.”

“I don't know … I guess…” She looked nervously at him. It was time to ask. “You'll be there too, won't you?” Her voice was frightened and soft and he smiled at her. She was at once so vulnerable and soft, and yet so incredibly powerful as well. He loved that about her and knew he always would. It was what Harry loved in her, too, that and her loyalty, her fierce heart, bright mind. She was such a lovely girl, judge or not. She looked like a teenager sitting there, watching him.

“Is there room in it for me?” His voice sounded tentative and she nodded vehemently, as her hair swung wild. She had cut it straight to her shoulders only weeks before she got the news, and it looked very elegant and sleek, hanging in a smooth blond sheet from crown to nape.

“Of course there is.” But he wasn't sure he agreed when he saw the place that night. He agreed that the place was beautiful, but it was awfully feminine to his eyes. “How can you say a thing like that? There's nothing here but walls and floors.”

“I don't know. It just feels that way, maybe because I know it's your house.” He turned to her and he looked sad all at once. “I'm sorry, Tan, it's beautiful … I don't mean to rain on your parade.”

“It's all right. I'll make it comfortable for both of us. I promise you.” He took her to dinner that night and they talked for hours, about her new job, the “judge' school” she would have to attend in Oakland for three weeks, holed up in a hotel with other recent appointees. Everything seemed suddenly exciting and new, and she hadn't felt that way in years.

“It's like starting life all over again, isn't it?” Her eyes danced as she looked at him and he smiled at her.

“I guess.” They went home after that and made love, and nothing seemed to have changed in important ways. She spent the next week shopping for furniture for her new house, closing the deal, and buying a new dress for her induction ceremony. She had even asked her mother to come out, but Arthur wasn't well enough and Jean didn't want to leave him alone. But Harry would be there, and Averil, and Jack, and all the friends and acquaintances she had collected over the years. In the end, there were two hundred people at the ceremony, and Harry gave her a reception afterwards at Trader Vic's. It was the most festive occasion she had ever been to, and she laughed as she kissed Jack halfway through the afternoon.

“It's kind of like getting married, isn't it?” He laughed back at her and they exchanged a look which said they both understood.

“Better than that, thank God.” They laughed again and he danced with her, and they were both a little drunk when they went home that night, and the following week, she started “judge' school.”

She stayed at the hotel, in the room they had given her, and she had planned to spend weekends in Tiburon with Jack, but there was always something to do at her new house, a painting she wanted to hang, lights she had to fix, a couch that had arrived, a gardener she wanted to interview, and for the first two weeks she slept in town when she wasn't at “judge' school.”

“Why don't you come sleep here with me?” There was a plaintive note in her voice and she sounded irritable. He hadn't seen her in days but that was par for the course these days. She had too much else to do.

“I've got too much work to do.” He sounded curt.

“You can bring it here, sweetheart. I'll make some soup and a salad, you can use my den.” He noticed the possessive term, and like everything else these days, it rankled him, but he had a lot on his mind just then.

“Do you know what it's like to drag all your work over to someone else's house?”

“I'm not someone else. I'm me. And you live here too.”

“Since when?” She was hurt by his tone and she backed off, and even Thanksgiving was strained, spent with Harry and Averil and the kids.

“How's the new house, Tan?” Harry was happy about everything that had happened to her, but she noticed that he looked tired and drawn, and Averil looked strained too. It was a difficult day for everyone and even the children whined more than usual, and Jack and Tana's godchild cried most of the day. She sighed as they drove back to town at last, and Jack visibly unwound in the silence in the car.

“Doesn't it make you glad you don't have kids?” He looked at her as he spoke and she smiled at him.

“Days like this do, but when they're all dressed up and cute, or sound asleep, and you watch Harry look at Ave … sometimes I think it would be sweet to be like that.…” She sighed then and glanced at him. “I don't think I could stand it, though.”

“You'd look cute on the bench, with a string of kids.” He said it sarcastically and she laughed. He had been sharp with her a lot recently and she noticed that he was driving her into town and not to Tiburon, and she looked at him, surprised.