Full Circle (41 page)

“Aren't we going home, sweetheart?”

“Sure … I thought you wanted to go back to your place.…”

“I don't mind … I…” She took a deep breath. It had to be said eventually. “You're mad at me for buying the house, aren't you?”

He shrugged and drove on, keeping his eyes on the other cars. “I guess it was something you had to do. I just didn't think you'd do something like that.”

“All I did was buy a little house because I had to have a place in town.”

“I just didn't think you wanted to
own
something, Tan.”

“What difference does it make if I own or rent? It's a good investment this way. We've talked about doing something like that.”

“Yeah, and we decided not to. Why do you have to get yourself locked into something permanent?” The thought of that almost gave him hives. He was happy renting where they were in Tiburon. “You never thought like that before.”

“Things change sometimes. This just made sense at the time, and I fell in love with it.”

“I know you did. Maybe that's what bothers me. It's so ‘yours,’ not ours.”

“Would you rather have bought something with me?” But she knew him better than that and he shook his head.

“That would just complicate our lives. You know that.”

“You can't keep things simple all the time. And as those things go, I think we've done damn well. We're the most unencumbered people I know.” And they had done it purposely. Nothing was permanent, written in stone. Their whole life could be unwound in a matter of hours, or so they thought, at least it was what they had told themselves for two years.

Tana went on, “Hell, I used to have an apartment in town. What's the big deal?” But it wasn't the house, it was her job, she had begun to suspect it weeks before. It bothered him, the fuss, the press, he had tolerated it before because she was only an assistant D.A., but suddenly she was a judge … Your Honor … Judge Roberts, she had noticed the look on his face everytime someone said the words to her. “You know, it really isn't fair of you to take it out on me, Jack. I can't help it. Something wonderful happened and now we have to learn to live with it. It could have happened to you too. The shoe could be on the other foot, you know.”

“I think I'd have handled it differently.”

“How?” She was instantly hurt by his words.

“Actually,” he looked at her accusingly, the anger between them finally had words put to it, like a symphony with a chorale, but it was a relief to get it out. “I think I'd have turned it down. It's a goddamn pompous thing to do.”

“Pompous? What an awful thing to say. Do you think I'm pompous for accepting the seat they offered me?”

“Depends on how you handle it.” He answered cryptically.

“Well?”

They stopped at a light and he turned to look at her, and then suddenly looked away. “Look … never mind … I just don't like the changes it's made for us. I don't like you living in town, I don't like your goddamn house, I don't like any of it.”

“So you're going to punish me, is that it? Christ, I'm doing my best to handle it gracefully, give me a chance. Let me figure it out. It's a big change for me, too, you know.”

“You'd never know it to look at you. You look happy as can be.”

“Well, I am happy.” She was honest with him. “It's wonderful and flattering and interesting, and I'm having fun with my career. It's very exciting for me, but it's also scary and new, and I don't quite know how to handle it and I don't want it to hurt you.…”

“Never mind that.…”

“What do you mean, never mind? I love you, Jack. I don't want this to destroy us.”

“Then it won't.” He shrugged and drove on, but neither of them was convinced, and he remained impossible for the next few weeks. She made a point of spending the night in Tiburon whenever she could, and she cajoled him constantly, but he was angry at her, and the Christmas they spent at her house was grim. He made it clear that he hated everything about her house, and he left at eight o'clock the next day, claiming he had things to do. He made life difficult for her for the next few months, and in spite of it, she enjoyed her job. The only thing she didn't like were the long hours she kept. She stayed in her chambers until midnight sometimes, but she had so much to learn, so many points of law to read and refer to for each case. So much depended on her that she became blind to almost all else, so much so that she didn't see how unwell Harry looked, never realized how seldom he went to work anymore, and it was late April before Jack turned to her and screamed.

“What are you, blind? He's dying, for God's sake. He has been for the last six months, Tan. Don't you give a shit about anyone else anymore?” His words cut her to the quick and she gaped at him in horror.

“That's not true … he can't be.…” But suddenly the pale face, the ghostly eyes, all of it suddenly made sense. But why hadn't he told her? Why? She looked up at Jack accusingly. “Why didn't you say something?”

“You wouldn't have heard. You're so fucking wrapped up in how important you are these days, you don't see anything that goes on.” They were bitter accusations, angry words, and without saying a word she left Tiburon that night and drove home to her own house, called Harry on the phone, and before she could say anything, she began to cry.

“What's the matter, Tan?” He sounded tired, and she felt as though her heart were going to break.

“I can't … I … oh God, Harry.…” All the pressures of the past months suddenly began to pile up on her, Jack's anger, and what he had told her that night about Harry being ill. She couldn't believe he was dying, but when she saw him the next day for lunch, he looked at her quietly and told her it was true. She felt her breath catch as though on a sharp nail and she stared at him. “But that can't be true … that's not fair.…” She sat there and sobbed like a little child, unable to comfort him, desolate, in too much pain herself to help anyone and he wheeled to where she sat and put his arms around her. There were tears in his eyes, too, but he was strangely calm. He had known for almost a year, and they had told him that a long time ago: his wounds could cut his life short, and they were. He was suffering from hydronephrosis, which was devouring him by degrees as he headed towards kidney failure. They had tried everything they could, but his body was just quietly giving up. She looked at him with terror in her eyes. “I can't live without you.”

“Yes, you can.” He was more worried about Averil and the kids. He knew Tana would survive. She had saved him. She would never give up. “I want you to do something for me. I want you to make sure Ave is all right. The kids are all set, and she has everything she'll need, but she's not like you, Tan … she's always been so dependent on me.”

She stared at him. “Does your father know?”

He shook his head. “No one does, except Jack and Ave, and now you.” He was angry that Jack had said something to her and especially in anger, but he wanted a promise from her now. “You promise you'll keep an eye on her?”

“Of course I will.” It was hideous, he was talking as though he were planning to leave on a trip. She looked at him and twenty years of love raced before her eyes … the dance where they had met … the years at Harvard and BU … coming West … Vietnam … the hospital … law school … the apartment they had shared … the night his first child was born … it was incredible, impossible. His life wasn't over yet, it couldn't be. She needed him too much. But then she remembered the spate of bladder infections and she knew suddenly where all this would lead—he was dying. She began to cry again and he held on to her, and then she looked at him and sobbed. “Why? … It's not fair.”

“Damn little in life is.” He smiled at her, a small, gray, wintry smile. He didn't care so much for himself as he did for his wife and kids. He had been worried sick about them for months, and he was trying to teach Averil to handle everything herself, to no avail. She was totally hysterical, and she refused to learn anything, as though that way she could keep it from happening, but nothing would. He was getting weaker by the day, and he knew it himself. He only came in to the office now once or twice a week; it was why he was never there when she went in to see Jack from time to time, and she talked to him about that now.

“He's beginning to hate me now.” She looked so bleak that it frightened him. He had never seen her like that. These were difficult times for all of them. He still couldn't believe he was going to die, but he knew he would. It was like stuffing running out of a rag doll, he felt as though he were slowly disappearing until he would be no more one day. Only that. They would wake up and he would be gone. Quietly. Not with the squall and the pushes and the screams with which one comes into the world, but with a tear and sigh and a breath of air as one passes on into the next life, if there even was such a thing. He didn't even know that anymore, and he wasn't sure he cared. He was too worried about the people he was leaving behind, his partner, his wife, his children, his friends. They all seemed to be resting on him and it was exhausting for him. But in some ways it also kept him alive, like right now with Tana. He felt he had something to share with her, before he went. Something important for her. He wanted her to change her life before it was too late. And he had said the same thing to Jack, but he didn't want to hear.

“He doesn't hate you, Tan. Look, the job is threatening to him. Besides, he's been upset about me for the past few months.”

“He could have said something at least.”

“I made him swear he wouldn't, you can't blame that on him. And as for the rest, you're an important woman now, Tan. Your job is more important than his. That's just the way things are. It's difficult for both of you, and he'll have to adjust to it.”

“Tell him that.”

“I have.”

“He punishes me for what's happened. He hates my house, he's not the same man.”

“Yes he is.” Too much so for Harry's taste. He was still devoted to the same ridiculous things; staying unattached, a total lack of commitment or permanence. It was an empty life, and Harry had told him so often enough, but Jack only shrugged. He liked the way he lived, or at least he had until Tana's new job came along. That was giving him a major pain in the ass, and he made no bones about it to Harry. “Maybe he's jealous of you. That's not attractive, but it's possible, and he's human, after all.”

“So when will he grow up? Or do I have to resign?” It was a relief talking about normal things, as though the nightmare weren't happening, as though she could make it stop by talking about something else with him. Like the old days … they had been so sweet … tears filled her eyes as she thought of them.…

“Of course you don't have to resign. Just give him time.” And then he looked at Tana, with something else on his mind. “I want to say something to you, Tan. Two things.” He looked at her so intensely it was as though his whole body turned to flame, she could feel the strength of his words boring right into her soul. “I don't know from one day to the next what tomorrow will bring, if I'll be here … if … I have two things to say to you, and it's all I have to leave you, my friend. Listen well. The first is thank you for what you did for me. The last sixteen years of my life have been a gift from you, not from my doctor, or anyone else, but from you. You forced me to live again, to go on … if it weren't for you I'd never have met Averil, or had the kids.…” There were tears in his eyes now, too, and they rolled slowly down his cheeks. Tana was grateful that they had met in her chambers for lunch. They had needed to be alone. “And that brings me to the second thing. You're cheating yourself, Tan. You don't know what you're missing, and you won't know till you're there. You're depriving yourself of marriage, commitment, real love … not borrowed, or rented, or temporary, or kind of. I know that fool's in love with you and you love him but he's devoted to ‘hanging loose,’ to not making a mistake again and that's the biggest mistake of all. Get married, Tan … have kids … it's the only thing that makes sense in life … the only thing I care about … the only important thing I'm leaving behind … no matter who you are or what you do, until you have that and are that and give that, you are nothing and no one … you're only half alive.… Tana, don't cheat yourself … please.…” He was crying openly now. He had loved her so much for so long and he didn't want her to miss what he and Averil had shared. And as he spoke to her, her mind went instantly to the countless looks she had watched them share, the quiet joy, the laughter that never seemed to end … and would end so soon now, and deep in her heart she had always known that what he said was true, in some ways she had wanted it for herself, and in other ways she was scared … and the men in her life had always been wrong for that … Yael McBee … Drew Lands … and now Jack … and the people who didn't matter in between. There had never been anyone who might have come close. Maybe Harry's father would have, but that was so long ago now … “If the opportunity ever comes, grab it, Tan. Give up everything, if you have to. But if it's the right thing, you won't.”

“What do you propose I do? Go out on the street and wear a sign? ‘Marry me. Let's have kids.’“ They laughed together, for a moment, just like old times.

“Yeah, asshole, why not?”

“I love you, Harry.” The words sprang from her and she was crying again and he held her tight.

“I'll never really be gone, Tan. You know that. You and I had too much to ever lose that … just like Ave and I do in a different way. I'll be here, keeping an eye on things.” They were crying openly and she didn't think she could live without him. And she could only imagine how Averil felt. It was the most painful time of their lives, and for the next three months, they watched him roll slowly downhill, and on a warm summer day, with the sun high in the sky, she got the call. It was from Jack. There were tears in his voice, and she felt her heart stop. She had seen Harry only the night before. She went to see him every day now, no matter what, at lunchtime or at night, or sometimes before her day began. She never knew how hectic things would get, but she wouldn't give that up. And he had held her hand and smiled just the night before. He could barely talk, but she had kissed his cheek, and suddenly thought of the hospital so long ago. She wanted to shake him back to life, to make him fight for what he had been, but he couldn't anymore, and it was easier to go.