Full Circle (45 page)

T
he wedding was absolutely beautiful. They had it at Russ's house, with a piano and two violins playing something delicate from Brahms as Tana came slowly down the stairs in a simple dress of off-white crepe de chine. She wore her blond hair long, covered by a wide-brimmed picture hat, with a faint hint of veil, and ivory satin shoes. There were roughly a hundred people there, and Jean stood in a corner and cried ecstatically for most of the day. She had bought a beautiful beige Givenchy suit, and she looked so proud it made Tana cry every time she looked at her.

“Happy, my love?” Russ looked at Tana in a way that made her heart fly. It seemed impossible that she could be lucky enough to find a man like him, and she had never dreamed of anything like what she shared with him. It was as though she had been born to be his, and she found herself thinking of Harry as she walked down the aisle. “Okay, asshole? Did I do good?” She smiled through her tears.

You did great!
She knew that Harry would have been crazy about Russ, and it would have been mutual. And she felt Harry very much there with her. Harrison and Averil sent a telegram. Russ's daughters were there too. They were both slender, attractive, pleasant girls, with husbands that Tana liked. They were an easy group to love, and they did everything to welcome her. Lee was particularly warm in her reception of her new stepmother, and they were only twelve years apart in age.

“Thank God he had the sense to wait until we grew up before marrying again.” Lee laughed. “For one thing, the house is a hell of a lot quieter now, and for another thing, you don't have to put up with us. He's been single for so long, Beth and I are grateful as hell that you married him. I hate to think of him alone in this house.” She was a little bit zany, and wonderfully dressed in her own designs. She was clearly crazy about Russ, nuts about her own husband, and Beth doted on her entire family. It was the ideal group, and as Jean looked at them, she was suddenly grateful that Tana hadn't been foolish enough to fall for Billy, in the years when she was pushing that. How sensible Tana had been to wait for this extraordinary man to come along. And what a life. The house was the most beautiful place she'd ever seen. And Tana felt totally at ease with the butler and the maid he'd had for years. She floated from room to room, entertaining his friends, as people said “Your Honor” to her, and somebody else cited a funny poem about a justice and a judge.

It was a wonderful afternoon, and they went back to Mexico for their honeymoon, returning via La Jolla and Los Angeles. Tana had taken a month's leave from work, and when she returned she smiled to herself whenever she said her new name. Judge Carver … Tana Carver … Tana Roberts Carver.… She had added his name to everything, none of this women's lib crap for her. She had waited thirty-eight years for him, almost thirty-nine, and resisted marriage for almost four decades, and if she had taken the plunge now, she was going to enjoy all the benefits. She came home every night, relaxed and happy to see him. So much so that he teased her about it one night.

“When are you going to start behaving like a real wife and nag me a little bit?”

“I forgot, I guess.” He smiled at her, and they talked about her house again. She had been thinking about renting it. It was so pretty that she didn't want to sell it, yet she knew she would never live there again. “Maybe I should just sell it after all.”

“What if I rent it from you for Beth and John when they come home?”

“That would be wonderful.” She smiled at him. “Let's see … you can have it for two kisses and … a trip to Mexico.…” He laughed at her, and eventually they decided to keep the house and rent it out and Tana had never been happier in her life. It was one of those rare times when everything feels in total control, going just the way you want, when she ran full tilt into someone one day. She was hurrying from her courtroom to meet Russ for lunch, and suddenly found herself staring into Drew Land' face. He looked as though someone had just struck oil on his front lawn when he saw who she was, and they stood chatting amiably for a minute or two. It was incredible to realize how much pain he had caused her once. As she looked at him, she could barely even imagine it. It was even more amazing to realize that Julie and Elizabeth were eighteen and twenty-two. “Good lord, is it as long ago as that?”

“It must be, Tan.” His voice was smooth, and suddenly she was annoyed by him. She could see from his eyes that he was making assumptions that were no longer appropriate, and hadn't been for a long, long time. “Eileen and I have been divorced for six years now.” How dare he tell her that … how dare he have gotten divorced after hurting Tan so much for her.…

“That's too bad.” Her voice was cool, and she was losing interest in what he said. She didn't want to be late for Russ. She knew he was working on an important case.

“Gee … I wonder if … maybe we could see each other sometime. I'm living in San Francisco now.

She smiled at him. “We'd love to see you sometime. But my husband is just buried in a big case right now.” She smiled almost evilly at him, waved her hand with a few garbled words, and was gone. And Russ could still see the victory in her eyes when he met her for lunch at the Hayes Street Grill. It was one of their favorite haunts, and she often met him there, to kiss at a corner table, and neck happily over lunch, while people smiled at them.

“What are you looking so pleased about?” He knew her very well.

“Nothing…” And then, she kept no secrets from him, she couldn't have anyway. “I just ran into Drew Lands for the first time in almost seven years. What a bastard he is. I guess he always was, the weak little shit.”

“My, my, what did he do to deserve so many epithets?”

“He was the married man I told you about…”

“Ah!” Russ looked amused at the fire in her eyes. He knew he was in no danger of losing her to anyone, not because he was so sure of himself, but because he knew the kind of love they shared. It was one of those rare, rare things in life, and he was deeply grateful for it. He had never had a love like this before with anyone.

“And you know what? He finally divorced his wife.”

“Predictably.” Russ smiled. “And now he wanted to take you out again. Right?”

She laughed at him. “I told him we'd love to see him sometime, and then I skibbled off.”

“You're a little witch. But I love you anyway. How was court today?”

“Not bad. I have an interesting case coming up, an industrial injury. It's going to be messy but it brings up some very intriguing points and technicalities. How's your monster case coming along?”

He smiled at her. “I'm finally getting it back into its cage. And,” he looked at her strangely for a minute, “I had a call from Lee.”

“How is she?”

“Fine.” He looked at his wife, and she looked at him. There was something odd in the air.

“Russ, what's wrong?” She was worried about him. He looked strange.

“It's happened. They've finally done it to me. I'm going to be a grandfather.” He looked at once delighted and distressed and Tana laughed at him.

“Oh, no! How can she do a thing like that to you?”

“That's exactly what I said to her!” And then he smiled at Tana again. “Can you imagine that?”

“With difficulty. We'll have to buy you a white wig so you look the part. When is she having it?”

“January. For my birthday, apparently. Or New Year's Eve, something like that.”

As it turned out, the baby was born on New Year's Day, and Russ and Tana decided it would be a lark to fly to New York and visit her. He wanted to see this first grandchild of his, another girl, like his own two. And he reserved a suite for them at the Sherry Netherland, and off they went. Lee was happily ensconced at New York Hospital's Lying-in, in the best room they had, and the baby was sweet and pink, and Russell made all the appropriate noises and when they went back to the hotel, he made passionate love to his wife. “At least I'm not totally over the hill yet. How does it feel to make love to a grandfather, my love?”

“Even better than it was before.” But there was something odd in her eyes when she looked at him, and he saw it instantly. He grew very quiet and pulled her into his arms next to him, their naked flesh touching, and he loved to feel how velvety she was, but he was worried about her. Sometimes, when something mattered to her a lot, she burrowed deep inside herself and he could see her do it now.

“What's wrong, sweetheart?” He spoke in a whisper near her ear, and she turned toward him with a look of surprise.

“What makes you think something's wrong?”

“I know you better than that. You can't fool an old man like me. At least not one who loves you as much as I love you.” She tried to deny it for a long time, and then much to his astonishment, she broke down and cried in his arms. There was something about seeing Lee and her baby that had filled her with the most awful pain … an emptiness … a void more terrible than any she had ever known before. He sat looking at her, amazed at the emotions pouring out of her, and she was even more startled than he. She had never realized she felt that way before.

“Do you want a baby, Tan?”

“I don't know … I've never felt this way before … and I'm almost forty years old … I'm too old for that…” But suddenly she wanted that more than anything, and she was suddenly haunted by Harry's words again.

“Why don't you think about it, and we'll talk again.” And for the next month, the sight of Lee and her baby haunted her. And suddenly, after they went home, she began seeing pregnant women everywhere, and babies in strollers on every street corner; it was as though everyone had a baby except her … and there was an envy and a loneliness she couldn't even begin to describe. Russell saw it on her face, but he didn't mention it again until their anniversary, and then she was sharp with him, which was rare for her. It was almost as though it hurt too much to talk about.

“You said you were too old for that. And so am I.”

“Not if it matters to you. It might seem a little foolish to me at first, but I could live with it. Other men have second families at my age, older in fact … a lot older,” he smiled. And he himself had been surprised by how touched he was by Lee's baby in her arms, and then his own. He wouldn't have minded that at all. And Tana's child would have meant the world to him. But she got more and more sensitive about it, until finally he no longer mentioned it to her. In March, they went to Mexico again, and had a fabulous holiday. They swam and fished, and lay on the beach. Tana barely got
turista
that time, although she didn't feel well when she got back.

“I think you've been working too hard.” She had had the flu on and off for almost three weeks and he was insisting on her going to see the doctor finally.

“I don't have time for that.” But she was so tired and draggy and so frequently sick to her stomach that she finally went, and she got the shock of her life. It was what she had wanted so desperately, but now, suddenly it was there. And it terrified her. She didn't have time for that. She had an important job. She would look ridiculous … she had never wanted that.… Russ would be upset with her … she stewed so terribly that she didn't even go home until seven o'clock that night and Russ knew there was something terribly wrong the minute he laid eyes on her. But he let her unwind for a while, fixed her a drink, opened a bottle of Chateau Latour with their dinner, but she didn't drink a drop of it, and she was still tense when they went upstairs that night and there was an odd look in her eyes. He was actually getting very worried about her, and as soon as she sat down, he pulled a chair up next to her.

“All right, now tell me what happened to you today. You either lost your job or your best friend died.”

She smiled sheepishly and visibly relaxed as he took her hand. “You know me too well.”

“Then do me the favor of taking me into your confidence.”

“I can't.” She had already made up her mind. She wasn't keeping it. But Russ was not going to fool around. His voice rose ominously, the famous frown appeared, and her knees would have shaken if she didn't know him as well as she did. Instead she laughed at him. “You know, you're very scary when you look like that.”

He laughed exasperatedly at her. “That's the whole point. Now talk to me, dammit. What the hell is going on with you?”

She stared at him for a long, long time, lowered her eyes, and then raised them to his again. “You're not going to believe this, sweetheart.”

“You want a divorce.”

“No, of course not.” She smiled at him. Somehow he always made things less terrible. She had been hysterical all day, and now he had her laughing again.

“You're having an affair?”

“Wrong again.”

“You were kicked off the bench.”

“Worse than that.…” She was beginning to look serious again, because in her mind what had happened meant the same thing. How could she keep her job with that? And then suddenly there were tears in her eyes and she was looking at him. “I'm pregnant, Russ…” For a moment everything around them stopped and then suddenly he swept her into his arms and he was laughing and smiling, and acting as though it were cause for celebration and not suicide.