Full Circle (46 page)

“Oh, sweetheart … I'm so glad.” He absolutely beamed at her and she stared at him.

“You are? I thought you didn't want any children.” She was stunned. “We agreed.…”

“Never mind. Our baby is going to be so beautiful … a little girl that looks just like you…” He had never looked happier and he held her close as she frowned unhappily. She had wanted this, but now that it had happened, she couldn't imagine it, except in the worst light.

“But it'll ruin everything.…” She was on the verge of tears again, and he was anxious to comfort her.

“Like what?”

“Like my job. How can I be a judge with a baby at my breast?”

He laughed at the image she had in mind. “Be practical. You work right up till the last day before it's born, and then you take six months off. We get a good nurse, and you go back to work.”

“As easy as that?” She looked shocked.

“It can be as easy as you want, my love. But there's no reason why you can't have a career and a family. It may take a little juggling sometimes, but it can be done with a little resourcefulness.” He smiled at her, and a long, slow smile began to dawn in her eyes. There was the possibility that he was right about that, and if he was … if he was … it was what she had wanted more than anything, and she wanted both. For years she had thought she could only have one.… But she wanted more than just her work … she wanted Russ … she wanted his child … she wanted everything … and suddenly the void she had been feeling for months, that ache, the terrible emptiness, was gone again.… “I'm so proud of you, sweetheart.” She looked at him, and the tears slowly overflowed as she smiled at him. “Everything is going to be just fine, you know … and you're going to look just wonderful.”

“Ha!” She laughed at him. “I've already gained six pounds.…”

“Where?” Tickling and teasing her, he began to look for them, and Tana lay in his arms and laughed.

T
he judge walked ponderously to the bench and sat down carefully, rapped the gavel smartly twice, and went on with the morning's calendar. Her bailiff brought her a cup of tea, at ten o'clock, and when she stood up at the noon recess, she could barely walk back to her chambers again. The baby was, by then, exactly nine days late. She had planned to stop working two weeks before, but she had everything so well organized at home that she had decided to work until the bitter end. Her husband picked her up right outside City Hall that night, opening the door smiling at her.

“How'd it go today?” The pride he felt showed easily in his eyes and she smiled back at him. It had been a beautiful time for them, even these extra days. She enjoyed the opportunity to spend these last days alone with him, although she had to admit that she was getting terribly uncomfortable. Her ankles looked like lamp posts by four o'clock in the afternoon, and she had trouble sitting for that long, but she didn't have anything else to do.

She sighed. “Well, the verdict is in. I think I might give it up at the end of this week, whether the baby shows up or not. What do you think?”

He smiled at her as he drove her home in the new Jaguar he had just bought. “I think that's a pretty good idea, Tan. You could sit around for a couple of days, you know.”

“Fancy that.”

But she never got time for that. Her water broke at eight o'clock that night, and she suddenly turned to Russ, terrified. She knew it was going to happen eventually, but suddenly it was
now,
and she had the overwhelming urge to run away, and there was no place to run. Her body would follow her everywhere. But Russ saw easily what she felt, and tried to comfort her.

“Everything's going to be just fine.”

“How do you know that?” She snapped at him. “What if I need a Caesarean? Christ, I'm a hundred years old, for chrissake.” Actually, she was forty years old plus four months. She suddenly looked at Russell and began to cry. She was terrified, and the contractions started almost as soon as her water broke.

“Do you want to lie down here for a while, Tan, or do you want to go to the hospital?”

“I want to stay here.” He called the doctor for her, brought her a glass of ginger ale, flipped on the television across from their bed, and smiled to himself. It was going to be a big night for them, and he also hoped that everything would go well. He was confident that it would, and he was particularly excited. She had insisted on their doing Lamaze training together, and although he hadn't been present at the birth of his girls so many years before, he was going to be with Tana for the birth of their child. He had promised her, and he could hardly wait. She had had the amniocentesis five months before, but they had opted not to know the sex of the child. And Russ could feel a mounting feeling of excitement now for both of them. By midnight, Tana had had a short nap, and she was in control again. She smiled up at him, and he timed her pains, and at two o'clock he called the doctor again, and this time they were told to come to the hospital. He picked her bag up from the hall closet where it had sat for the last three weeks, helped her into the car, and out again at the hospital, and helped her to walk inside. She could hardly walk now, and the contractions took all her concentration and his help, just to get her through them, but they were nothing like the pains she felt once she went into transition three hours after that. She was writhing in pain on the bed in the labor room, and she was clutching at his arm, as he felt his own panic begin to rise. He hadn't expected it to be quite like this, she was in such agony, and by eight o'clock the baby still hadn't come. The sun was up, and she lay there panting horribly, her hair damp, eyes wild, looking at him as though he could do something for her. And all he could do was breathe with her and hold her hand and tell her how proud he was of her, and then suddenly at nine o'clock everyone began to run around. They wheeled her into the delivery room, strapped her legs up, and she cried as the pains came now. It was the worst pain she had ever known in her entire life, and she felt as though she were drowning as she clutched at him, and the doctor urged her on, and Russell cried, and Tana knew she couldn't stand it anymore. She wanted to die … to die … to.…

“I can see the head … oh, God … sweetheart … it's here.…” And suddenly a tiny red face popped out, as Russell cried, and Tana looked at him and gave another ferocious push which forced the baby from her womb, and the doctor held him in his hands as the baby began to wail. They cut the cord, tied it, and cleaned him rapidly, suctioned his nose, wrapped him in a warm blanket, and handed him to Russ.

“Your son, Russ.…” The doctor smiled at them both. They had worked so hard and so long, and Tana looked at him victoriously now.

“You were wonderful, sweetheart.” Her voice was hoarse and her face was gray, as he kissed her tenderly.

“I was wonderful?” He was deeply impressed by what he had just seen her do. It was the greatest miracle he had ever seen. And at forty years of age, she had it all now. She looked at him. Everything she had ever wanted … everything … her eyes filled with tears as she reached out to him, and Russ gently put the baby in her arms, as he had once put it in her womb.

“Oh, he's so beautiful.…”

“No.” Russell smiled at her through his tears. “You are, Tan. You're the most beautiful woman in the world.” And then he looked at his son. “But he's pretty cute too.” Harrison Winslow Carver. They had long since agreed on that. He came into the world blessed in name, and life, and love.

They wheeled her back to her room a little before noon, and she knew she would never want to do it again, but she was glad she had this once. Russell stayed with her until she drifted off to sleep, the baby slept in the little bed they had left there for him, and Tana, all clean again and sleepy now and so much in love with him. She opened her eyes once, drifting from the shot they'd given her for the pain afterwards. “I love you so much, Russ.

He nodded, smiling again, his heart forever hers after tonight. “Shhh … sleep now … I love you too.

W
hen baby Harry was six months old, Tana looked at her calendar with despair. She had to go back to work the following week. She had promised she would, and she knew it was almost time, but he was so sweet, and she loved spending the afternoons with him. They went on long walks, and she laughed when he smiled. They even dropped in on Russ at his office once in a while. It was a leisurely way of life she had never known, and she hated to give it up, but she was not yet ready to give up her career.

And once she was back on the bench, she was glad she hadn't given it up for good. It felt good to be back again. The cases, the verdicts, the juries, the decisions, the routine. It was incredible how fast the days flew by, and how anxious she was to come home at night, to Harry and Russ. Sometimes she would find Russ already at home with him, crawling around on the rug, and playing games with him. He delighted them both, and he was like the first child born on earth to them. Lee teased them about it when she came out to visit with Francesca, her little girl, and she was already expecting another one.

“And what about you, Tan?”

“Listen, at my age, Harry is enough of a miracle. Let's not push my luck, thanks.” And even though the pregnancy had been a breeze, the delivery had been more painful than she thought. Though, with time, even that didn't seem quite as awful as it once had. And they were both so happy with the baby. “If I were your age, I might, Lee, and even then … you can't have everything, a career and ten kids.” Not that it frightened Lee, though. She still had her job, and even now with the second one on the way, she was planning to work right till the end, and come back afterwards. She had just won the Coty Award and she wasn't giving that up. She didn't see why she should. She could do both, so why not?

“How was your day, sweetheart?” She threw her briefcase on a chair and bent to kiss Russ as he scooped the baby into his arms, as she glanced at her watch. She was still nursing him three times a day. Morning, evening, and late at night, and she wondered when his last feeding had been. She loved the closeness it gave her to the child, the silent moments in the nursery at three A.M. when only she and Harry were up. She had a sense of providing for his well-being which satisfied her too, and then there were other benefits as well. She'd been told that she was unlikely to get pregnant again as long as she was still nursing him. “Do you think it would matter if I did it till he's twelve?” she had asked Russ one day and he had laughed at her. They had such a good life, the two of them. It had been worth waiting for, no matter how long it took. At least she said that now. She had just turned forty-one, and he was fifty-two.

“You know, you look tired, Tan.” Russell was looking carefully at her. “Maybe the nursing is too much for you, now that you're back at work.” She fought the idea, but her body voted with him, as slowly, in the next few weeks, her milk dried up. It was as though her body didn't want to be nursing Harry anymore. And when she went to the doctor for a checkup, he weighed her, felt her, checked her breasts, and then said he wanted to do a blood test on her.

“Something wrong?” She glanced at her watch. She had to be back in court by two.

“I just want to check something out. I'll call you this afternoon.” On the whole, he had found her all right, and she didn't have time to worry about it. She rushed back to City Hall, and when her clerk signalled her at five o'clock, she had forgotten that she was expecting the doctor's call.

“He said he had to speak to you.”

“Thanks.” She took the phone, scratching some notes as she listened to him, and suddenly she stopped. That couldn't be. He had to be wrong. She had been nursing until the week before … hadn't she … she sat down hard in a chair, thanked him, and hung up. Shit. She was pregnant again. And Harry was wonderful, but she didn't want another one. She was too old for that … she had her career … this time, she had to get rid of it … it was impossible … she didn't know what to do. She had a choice, of course, but what would she say to Russ? Tell him she had aborted his child? She couldn't do that. She spent a sleepless night that night, resisting him when he asked her what was bothering her. She couldn't tell him this time. It was all wrong … she was too old … her career meant too much to her … but Lee was going to continue her career after her second child … or was it meaningless? Should she resign from the bench? Would the children mean more to her in the end? She felt torn ten thousand ways and she looked like a nightmare when she woke up. Russ looked at her over breakfast and didn't say anything to her at first. And then, just before he left, he turned to her.