Girl of Mine (11 page)

When presented to Luke for his opinion, he never said a word. His laughter said it all.

Epic fail.

In the end, she’d settled on a very simple idea. She’d purchased tall skinny glass vases and long stemmed arrangements of bougainvillea that looked as though the flowers were creeping over the edge and spilling out. Then she carefully positioned strategically placed flower petals amongst clear stones throughout the body of the vase. It was an easy concept, but took hours until it looked just right—as if the petals had gently fallen where they may. It almost gave the illusion that the petals had been captured mid-fall. She planned to scatter the remaining petals on the tables.

Perhaps crafts weren’t her thing. No shame in that.

“They’re beautiful, Jill,” Luke said.

Jill picked up one of her creations, feeling ridiculously proud. “Thanks.” She carried it with her as she led him to the kitchen table. “You haven’t seen our invitations yet.” She handed him one of the delicate ivory invites and he studied it quietly, running his thumb over their embossed names.
Jillian Claire Barrett and Lucas Cole Graham.

“All I can say is, it’s a good thing my mom sent out ‘save the date’ cards. I am so late getting these invites out the door. My wedding planner says,” she cleared her throat for effect, “‘You must get the invites out six to eight weeks before the wedding, so out of town guests can arrange for travel plans.’ Maybe I should’ve accepted my mom’s help.” She shrugged. “But I’ve enjoyed planning our wedding. I wanted to do it.” The silence in the room felt like the loudest thing she’d ever heard. “I finished addressing the first fifty and sent them on their merry little way.”

His head jerked up. “You already mailed them?”

Was it her imagination or did he look . . . mortified?

Jill felt her hands tighten around the vase. Luke hadn’t said much since he’d entered her apartment. And she’d thought he was supposed to be on duty tonight. And he’d kissed her as if it was the last time he’d ever see her.

Something was . . . off.

“Luke, is—is something wrong?” she asked again.

Gently, he placed the invite on the table, taking his time about it. He picked up one of the beautifully wrapped mints sitting in a crystal bowl on the table. He twirled it between his fingers, studying their names written in silver in a flowery cursive,
Lucas and Jillian
.

Jill stammered nervously. “Your mom brought those over so I could see how they turned out. She’s ordered a whole slew of them for the reception.”

He didn’t smile at the thought of another personalized item from his mother like she assumed he would. He tossed it back in the bowl and his eyes traveled back up to hers and she knew.

She
knew
.

“Yes, something’s wrong,” he said.

He seemed so cold, so remote, so unlike the Luke she knew and loved. “What is it?” she asked.

“Can we sit?” he offered, motioning toward her couches.

Information that could only be conveyed while someone was sitting was never good. Her stomach twisted nervously. Jill plopped down on the loveseat, but he didn’t join her. He sat across from her on the couch. With all the centerpieces covering the coffee table, they couldn’t see each other. He sighed and moved to the overstuffed chair next to the loveseat. He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, and took her hands in his.

His jaw clenched. “I can’t marry you, Jill.”

The floor heaved and lurched and Jill swayed in her chair. “What?”

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

Their eyes met and held. He remained unreadable. A heavy feeling, as if something was pushing her into the ground, settled on her. “H-have I done something to upset you?”

He ran his hands over his face as if he were exhausted. “No. Not at all. Don’t ever think that.”

“Then, why?”

“I just can’t. That’s all.”

“You just can’t?” Jill repeated. So many questions wandered through her mind, yet she couldn’t put voice to any of them. Her legs felt numb, her chest tingled, and she wondered if she was going to faint. “You just can’t?” she said again. What kind of an answer was that? “But . . . I love you.”

Luke looked like she felt. His face was pale and his eyes . . . they looked dead, as if they’d been shuttered and no one was allowed to see into the windows of his soul. He didn’t say he loved her back and the omission was duly noted.

“Here’s the thing. My unit has been deployed, Jill. To Iraq. I leave in the morning. I only found out three days ago. I’ll be gone for a year or more and I think it’s best if we call off the wedding.”

Stunned, Jill had no words, no response. Just a few carefully worded sentences and her life was suddenly upside down. “You’ve known for three days?” All at once, three days seemed like an eternity. Why hadn’t he told her sooner? Why hadn’t he turned to her for comfort while facing an uncertain future?

“Yeah. I didn’t know how to tell you. Bad news is bad news no matter how you try to sugarcoat it.”

Iraq? Luke is going off to war. What if he never returns?
She’d face that overwhelming issue later. For now the matter at hand was their relationship.

Lots of couples married quickly when one of them had to leave for military duty. That didn’t appear to be one of their options, however. It was too late. And clearly it hadn’t been what Luke wanted or he would’ve married her by now. Ouch, that thought hurt. They could’ve spent the last few days in married bliss. Didn’t he want her? Jill blurted out the next thing that came to mind. “It doesn’t matter. This changes nothing. I love you. We’ll just postpone everything. I’ll wait for you.”
He
will return. I know he will.
Jill wiped away the tears that drizzled down her face.

He shook his head in the negative. “No.” His tone seemed unyielding.

She stilled. “Excuse me?”

Luke pulled her up and stood so close she could feel his sweet breath on her face. “Don’t wait for me, Jill. I want you to go on with your life. I don’t want you to put everything on hold for me. It isn’t fair to you and I won’t ask you to do it.” His voice had turned to a harsh whisper, but his expression seemed . . . blank.

“Stop it, Luke. Of course I’m going to wait for you. How could you even think differently?”

“No,” he said firmly. “I’m not asking for promises between us. A year is a long time. What if it’s longer than that? We can’t predict if you’ll feel the same when I return.”

By that, she wondered if he meant he couldn’t predict how
he
would feel when he returned. “Of course I’ll feel the same. What are you talking about? Why don’t you want me to wait for y-you?”

Jill stared deeply into his eyes, eyes that held no light, no glimmer of hope. He was giving up on them, on a future between them. He’d already pulled away from her emotionally; she could feel it and sense it. “Why are you doing this?” she whispered.

He swallowed hard. “I have to.”

“No, you don’t. You don’t have to lose me.”

“A year is a long time,” he repeated, as if that explained everything. “Who knows how long I’ll really be gone. I’ve thought this through. It’s the right thing to do.”

Jill couldn’t process everything fast enough. Her heart raced ahead, but her mind thumped behind. “Please, don’t do this. Don’t write me off.”

“It’s for the best. I don’t want to leave you in limbo.”

“Luke, I don’t understand . . .” He was being deliberately vague and it wasn’t like him. How could he shut her out like this?

“I need to go. I have an early morning and a long day ahead. No reason to drag this out. It’ll just make it harder on both of us. I’m really sorry, Jill.”

Sorry? Sorry was something you said when you bumped into a stranger in a crowded room. Sorry was something you said when you interrupted someone.

Sorry couldn’t cover leaving for war, a broken engagement, and a cancelled wedding.

Jill followed him to the foyer. “Wait. I don’t really know what just happened. You’re calling off our wedding
and
breaking up with me? Just like that?” Her voice wavered, revealing her emotion. None of this seemed possible. Was she dreaming? Having a nightmare? It was so sudden, so unexpected. One minute they were kissing, their bright future ahead of them, the next he was saying it was over.

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“That’s all you have to say?”

“Yes. I can’t say anything to make this easier. It’s just that . . . I . . .” He paused, seeming frustrated. He ran his hands over his face and as he did so, Jill immediately noticed that his hands were shaking. Trembling.

She felt for him. Going off to war was not an easy thing. But he didn’t have to feel alone or lose her in the process.

“It’s best if we just say goodbye.” His eyes burned into hers for a moment, as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t. Then he turned and left, leaving the door wide open.

Jill watched as Luke jumped into his truck and squealed his tires as he drove off.

Like he couldn’t get away fast enough. Like the devil himself was hot on his heels.

The vase Jill held slipped through her fingers and broke into several pieces on the tile below. She stared at the mess for several minutes as if she didn’t know what to do. The strategically placed petals intertwined with the broken glass, representing beauty mixed with ugliness. Broken dreams mixed with delicate wishes. It symbolized the moment perfectly.

Finally, she knelt down and picked up a broken piece of glass, and then another, and another. Somehow, she didn’t know how, she sliced her palm open in the process. Blood began to pool beneath her. It took awhile to realize it was coming from her. Jill collapsed to the floor, her knees to her chest and her back against the wall. She cradled her hand to her chest, letting her shirt catch the blood.

Jill had no idea how much time had passed when her mom was suddenly before her, calling her name.

“Jill? Jill? What happened?”

“I don’t know,” she answered. “He said he can’t marry me. He leaves in the morning. He wants no promises between us. Then he left.”

“What happened to your hand, Jill? Your hand?”

“Oh, I cut it.”

“Why, Jill? Why did you cut your hand? No man is worth it.”

Briefly, Jill wondered why her mom would think such a thing. She supposed finding her daughter in a state of shock, staring at nothing in particular, with a blood soaked shirt, might warrant her reaction. “Not on purpose, Mom. I dropped the vase. I was cleaning up the glass.”

“Let’s get you to the ER. I think you need stitches.”

9

Luke and Jill
April 2003

Present Day

Jill awoke to the sounds of birds chirping incessantly outside her window. A happy sound, yet her heart was heavy. Absentmindedly, she ran her hand over the scar on her palm. It was a constant reminder of the night Luke had left her. At this moment, it served its purpose.

What was she doing here?

Luke had callously left her. He’d offered no promises between them, no parting words of love, nothing. Not even an
I’ll miss you
or a promise to write. He’d called her mother and said Jill needed her, leaving her to clean up his mess.

He’d left the very next morning. Poof. Gone. Just like that.

Jill had hardly been able to grasp what had happened.

She still couldn’t. His abrupt departure from her life left her reeling, gasping like a drowning woman. She still hadn’t caught her breath.

Now he was back, saying he had to talk to her, to explain. He was kissing her, saying he loved her.

Kidnapping her, handcuffing her.

What the heck?

The aroma of bacon wafted through the air, making her stomach growl. A few minutes later, Luke appeared at her doorway. He looked hesitant. “Hey.”

He wore a white Henley t-shirt and perfect fitting jeans, making him look relaxed, like it was a lazy Saturday. The tension in his eyes told her otherwise.

A myriad of reasons as to why he’d ended things between them—besides the fact that he’d been unexpectedly deployed—began to wander through her mind, making her imagination wander. Had he cheated on her? Maybe he’d fallen in love with someone else. Maybe it didn’t work out. Maybe he realized what he’d lost. Maybe that’s why he was back, wanting to explain and make amends.

Or maybe he just couldn’t stand the idea of her and Troy being together. Was that what this was all about?

“Hey.” Jill already regretted her actions last night. The way she’d kissed him, as if all was forgiven.

Nothing was settled between them. And judging by Luke’s tense expression, he knew it.

Luke unlocked the handcuffs and massaged her wrist.

“Regrets?” he asked, reading her mind.

“About a million of them.”

He stepped away, putting space between them. “You’ll have all the answers you need today.”

“Should I be worried?”

“No. I’m the one who should be worried.”

“Am I going to be mad at you?”

“Probably.”

“Is it something I can forgive?”

Luke stared at the ground and shrugged his shoulders. “Not sure.”

Her spirits plummeted. “My heart’s racing.”