Godless And Free (14 page)

40.
The Curse of Faith

April 25, 2008

Hi everyone. First of all, can I just say to all the people who keep writing to tell me that I’m wrong when I say that Christians are born in debt to Jesus and don’t I realise that that debt has already been repaid by Jesus? Well yes, of course. But only in the same way that a finance company will pay off all your current debts, but then you have to pay back the finance company, or there’s going to be trouble.

Similarly, if you decide to welsh on the debt that you owe Jesus, the one he paid with his precious blood, then you’re going to be in big trouble, my friend. In fact, big is probably too small a word to describe the kind of trouble you’re going to find yourself in if you reject him as your saviour, because you’re going to fry for eternity. And eternity is not to be trifled with, because it’s forever. And we know this because they measured eternity and it came up exactly forever. And that’s what’s in store for you. Eternal unimaginable suffering, and Jesus isn’t going to do a damn thing about it. Why? Because he doesn’t give a shit. That’s how much he loves you.

I think after two thousand years, if anything, he owes us another crucifixion. You can’t live on past glories forever. Who does he think he is, Woody Allen? Come on.

Anyway, because of this, today I’d like to say a few words about faith, which I think has the potential to enslave us all by stealth, because I think faith is a very dangerous and misleading word. It contains two completely separate entities which have got nothing at all to do with each other. One is good, and one is evil. One is called spirituality and the other is called religion. One is a private experience, the other is a public nuisance. One leads to self-knowledge, the other to self-indulgence at everyone else’s expense. In one there is no compulsion, whereas the other depends on compulsion for its survival. One is grounded in innocence, the other in guilt. One embraces life, the other worships death.

It’s hard to imagine how these two things could be any more different. Yet for some reason they’re always sold to us together in a single package under the banner of faith. If you take one, you’ve got to take the other. A bit like a pet shop giving away a free rattlesnake with every bunny rabbit.

I’m not saying there isn’t more to this life than meets the eye, because there obviously is. Science has already shown us that. In the subatomic world it turns out that nothing is solid, if you can understand that, and some particles are so unpredictable we’re not even sure if they exist or not. They seem to be there and not be there at the same – a bit like western democracy, or is that just me? But anyway, it’s clear that we are part of a reality that we don’t fully understand.

And if there is a life force in this universe (and let’s face it there must be, otherwise there wouldn’t be any life) it’s natural that we would want to make some connection with it, because everybody wants to feel more alive, right?

But there’s no evidence that it requires worshipping or any form of subservient behaviour, or that we are in any way central to its agenda, or even relnt to it, any more than any other organism on the planet, or in the universe – this universe or any other universe. So in that sense I think we really need to get over ourselves big time.

Also, we need to stop pretending that all the manmade trappings of faith, the ornamental accessories if you like, are really anything more than just that. I’m talking about scripture, dogma, ritual, prophecy, religious law. All these things that have been put there to give religion some kind of structure, and, to be fair, that’s why they’re there, isn’t it?

It’s a bit like dressing the invisible man. Once he’s got some clothes on, you can see him. But of course you don’t see him, you see the clothes. And that’s the problem. Everyone’s become so obsessed with the goddam clothes we’ve forgotten if there was ever anyone there in the first place.

If you’re a spiritual person you don’t need religion, and you know it. And you’re certainly not interested in forcing your beliefs on to anybody else.

If you’re not a spiritual person then what the bloody hell are you doing on your knees praying like an idiot? Like some dog that’s been taught how to do something without understanding why. Get up and stop making a fool of yourself, because your faith is not a virtue, it’s a vice. It’s a slave to dogma, to scriptural certainties which are nevertheless open to self-interested interpretation by men. Now I’m sure even you can see the obvious flaw in that little arrangement.

Also, faith, in its Alice in Wonderland way, defines and measures itself according to lack of evidence. The less there is, the more faith is required, and the more worthy it is of respect and deference, for some reason. Not to mention large amounts of public money, generous tax breaks, and the freedom to fill the minds of innocent young children with violent superstitions and baseless fears.

And this, to me, really is the curse of faith, and it’s something that shames us all from generation to generation. It’s the cowardly way that we allow religion to be forced on to children in a clear violation of their human rights, hypnotising them almost at birth, hijacking their lives and turning them into little Christians, little Muslims, little Jews, before they have a chance to understand the first thing that’s involved.

We live in such civilised times in the twenty-first century, don’t we? Human rights are everything to us. We fall over ourselves to give compensation to every cheap chancer, every lowlife criminal scumbag whose precious feelings have been hurt, but we don’t give a damn about the rights of children having their minds moulded and stunted by others before they’ve had a chance to fully form, like dead-heading flowers before they’ve bloomed. It’s a crime against humanity, is what it is, and one day it will be against the law.

Tell that to Jesus, if you see him, and tell him from me to go and screw himself, to the nearest tree.

Peace, and who knows, maybe one day civilisation.

41.
God Is Not Enough

May 23, 2008

everyone. A lot of people seem to think that I’ve got something in particular against religion, but the truth is I would take exactly the same attitude towards any evil life-denying crackpot ideology.

Show me another dangerous death-embracing crock of supernatural bullshit and I would give it exactly the same treatment, I promise.

It’s just that I believe religion is God’s way of telling us that he doesn’t exist.

And people often say to me: “What if you’re wrong about that and God does exist, and you have to face him on Judgment Day? What will you say for yourself then, bigmouth?”

Well, what can I say? If that happens I’m screwed, aren’t I? Let’s be honest. I’m damned for all eternity. I’m going straight to hell. I know I can’t expect any mercy, because we all know what a nasty piece of work he is. And it’s unlikely that I’ll be able to talk my way out of it, because God isn’t stupid, unfortunately. He’s many other things, including petulant, callous, vindictive, spiteful, heartless, petty, cruel, and egotistical to a fault, but not stupid. So that’s me down the chute, no question.

But if by some miracle I did manage to get in a word before the trapdoor opened, I’d probably ask God what kind of third rate operation he thinks he’s running here on earth, and why he allows himself to be represented almost exclusively by gangsters, perverts and frauds into whose care you’d be as well advised to entrust your soul as you would your children.

I’d also remind God that six thousand years ago he threw us out of paradise for obtaining the knowledge of good and evil. So why don’t we have it? We paid the price. Every child is born guilty. I couldn’t imagine a higher price than that, could you? Yet we still don’t quite seem to know the difference. Maybe the people of Burma could help us out with that.

But I wonder what went wrong. Was the fruit of the tree of knowledge faulty in some way, or is this just a straightforward case of out-and-out fraud?

Either way, I’ll be demanding from God retrospective reinstatement in paradise for the entire human race, along with six thousand years of backdated blessings and a full apology. Well, why not? What have I got to lose? I’m already going to hell.

I expect I’ll end up in Catholic hell, which I understand is a large black hole of guilt at the end of the universe from which nothing escapes, not even light – mainly because no light has ever got in, although apparently anything passing by too closely is liable to be sucked in and baptised.

But just because I believe that religion is a cynical perversion of the human spirit that exists purely for the benefit of the parasites that we know as clergy doesn’t mean that I’m not looking for answers to the big questions just like anybody else.

You know, the questions that religion pretends it has answers to because it knows that for some people any answer is better than no answer at all.

Questions like: Why are we here? Where do we come from? Where are we going? – that sort of thing. Is there an afterlife, and if so, is it fully licenced for alcoholic drinks?

That last bit may seem like a trivial concern to you, but not to me, because I live in a society where many people enjoy a social drink from time to time. Not a huge amount, just enough to kill a horse. And in these enlightened days of the twenty-first century where everyone’s human rights and cultural identity are so very important, I don’t see why I should have to abandon my culture just because I’m dead. It’s only the afterlife, not Saudi Arabia. Let’s keep things in perspective.

Of course in reality we all know that there will be beer in heaven, and lots of it, otherwise it wouldn’t be heaven, would it? It’s almost not even worth pointing that out, but I thought I would anyway just in case somebody wants to take the opportunity to be offended.

People say to me: “You just don’t understand the joy that a believer feels when they give their heart to God. You just don’t get it.”

Well, maybe that’s true. But I do understand the desire for such a joyful heart, and I’ve got no problem with anyone who seeks it. I wish them well.

I can even understand how this joyful feeling could easily lead to a perfectly natural urge to share it with, and even, dare I say, impose it on others for their own spiritual good. And that I do have a problem with, as you probably know.

However, it occurred to me that I’ve been alive on this planet now for over half a century, and I still haven’t got a clue what I’m supposed to be doing here. And frankly, yes, I am beginning to find that a little embarrassing. So I’m open to offers, broadly speaking, on the meaning of life. But a word of warning, it’s going to have to be something that I can reasonably talk myself into without too much embarrassment, which means it’s going to have to be fairly plausible, unfortunately, because that pretty much eliminates all religion, especially our three old friends the desert dogmas. I couldn’t possibly have anything to do with them. Partly because I don’t want to belong to a death cult, obviously. But also, I’d just like to find something with more of a spiritual dimension, like, I don’t know, morris dancing perhaps, cheese rolling; I’m sure something will turn up.

It might actually help if I could narrow it down in advance and decide what kind of believer I would like to be – maybe that would help. You know, in broad terms. Would I like to be, say, open-minded, compassionate, joyful, optimistic, flexible, tolerant and wise? Or would I prefer to be closed-minded, bigoted, intolerant, dogmatic, gloomy, judgmental and censorious?

That’s quite a difficult one. I can actually see both points of view there. Obviously if I go with the first option I’d be very popular, have a lot of friends, and everything would be great.

But if I go with the second one, people would quite rightly despise me, but I’d then be able to claim persecution and maybe even get a couple of laws changed in my favour. Hmm. I think I’ll give that one a little more thought.

In the meantime I’ll keep looking, of course. I’ll try to keep an open mind, because I think it’s important to keep an open mind, and you won’t convince me otherwise no matter what you say, so don’t even try.

I’m not too fussy about what I end up believing in, as long as it’s the truth. Or, if not, at least something that doesn’t make me want to laugh out loud with derision whenever I think about it. In fact, the way things are going I’ll probably settle for that. Peace, and a happy springtime to one and all.

42.
A Secular World Is a Sane World

June 27, 2008

You know, a lot of people say to me: “I agree with you about Islam, but not about religion.”

Well, thanks, but if that’s the case you don’t agree with me, because Islam is not the problem. Religion is the problem.

The allowances that we make for faith, and the respect that we give to belief without evidence, has encouraged Islam to push its way into a society where it really doesn’t belong and threaten all our freedom.

But that’s not Islam’s fault. Its stated goal is to take over the world. It’s just being true to itself. It’s our fault for indulging religion in the first place, and for giving religious opinion a status in our society that it hasn’t earned and doesn’t deserve. Why? You tell me.

Animals don’t seem to need gods in their lives, do they? Perhaps because they haven’t got quite such a low opinion of themselves as we’ve been taught to have. Insignificant, unclean, in need of salvation. Recognise yourself?

If you’re wretched enough to buy into that life-sucking drivel the only thing you need to be saved from is your own gullibility.

Your soul doesn’t need cleansing, because it isn’t dirty. And anyone who tells you different is telling you for their benefit, and not for yours, because the purpose of religion is the employment and the empowerment of clergy. That’s its only purpose. You don’t matter. You’ve never mattered. You don’t seriously think any of those old frauds in the Vatican really believe in God, do you? Come on. God is for the little people. People like you and me. It’s all about the clergy, who do very well out of it. How well? Let’s ask the Archbishop of Canterbury, if we can find out which one of his two palaces he’s currently staying in, and of course if he isn’t too busy praying towards Mecca.

His recent disgraceful attempt to crowbar sharia law into British life is a good example of how some Christian clergy are so unprincipled they’ll happily hitch their wagon to the crescent moon, to a religion they despise as heretical, in order to help push unwanted religious values into society at large, because for them any religious values are better than none.

The real enemy for both these dogmas is secularism, and that’s what they’re most afraid of, because they know it could threaten the generous tax breaks and the countless millions in public subsidy they’re currently rolling around in. And that’s why whenever you hear a speech from a religious leader nowadays it usually contains a warning against the danger of secularism.

When the Pope went to America recently it was the first thing he said when he got off the plane. Obviously he also apologised for all the child abuse, but what else was he supposed to say? Get over it you pussies? Of course not. Not even if he was thinking it, which he probably was. Oh come, you know he was.

But secularism is not atheism, as many of these god-peddling faith jockeys will often try to pretend in order to frighten people who think they’re going to be possessed by demons if society isn’t run by God, or rather by men who think they’re God.

There are plenty of religious people who are secularists. They believe in God, but they’ve got too much class to try and force their views on anyone else. And that’s all secularism means. It means religious freedom for everybody, not just for religious people. It means respecting everyone’s right to worship freely, but removing the power of the middleman, the clergyman, the self-appointed intermediary, to interfere and meddle uninvited in people’s lives.

No wonder these pious parasites are more afraid of it than they are of hellfire itself. Seculophobia. Is that even a word? Well, I guess it is now.

I realise this all sounds very negative, but let me assure you that I’m actually very optimistic about the future of humanity, at least in the long term, because I just don’t think it’s possible for us to stay this stupid forever. We’ll try, of course, and some of us will really dig our heels in too, no doubt, but I think despite ourselves we will eventually evolve into something a bit more intelligent, a bit more compassionate and a bit less afraid of our own shadow, and when that happens religion will simply die a natural death of acute embarrassment, if there’s any justice.

The thing is, though, I don’t want it to take thousands of years. I want it to happen now, partly because I’m a modern kind of guy and I want everything now, but also because it pretty much needs to happen now if we want to keep our freedom. If we don’t shake off religion we are not going to shake off Islam. It’s that simple, because Islam is here to stay. Any population projection will confirm that.

In a couple of generations some parts of Europe will have no choice but to democratically allow sharia law, which, as we know, discriminates against and victimises women, Jews, homosexuals, and pretty much anybody who isn’t a heterosexual Muslim male, preferably with a beard.

So Islam needs to be neutralised in Europe, now before it’s too late. Not by engaging it in respectful dialogue and throwing money at it as usual, but by doing what we should have done years ago and legislating religion out of public life and back into the private domain where it belongs.

Right now Islam is laughing at us. It’s watching us lead ourselves by the nose into submission. What can we do? Well, all any of us can do is speak out, while we’re still allowed to. Because some Muslims are now demanding that criticising their religion be made a criminal offence. I suppose we should have seen that one coming really, shouldn’t we?

It actually is a criminal offence in the Netherlands, it seems, where anyone satirising Islam is liable to be arrested in the middle of the night and have their apartment ransacked by the police.* The Dutch people must be scratching their heads wondering what ever happened to the free country they used to live in before Islam came along.

Last week in the football tournament, when the Dutch team lined up for their national anthem, I was half expecting to hear the Muslim call to prayer ringing out around the stadium. Is that offensive? I do hope so, because it’s time to stop being polite. It’s time to stop showing fake respect and to start insisting that this divisive dangerous insulting poisonous bullshit is taken out of our public life, where it violates our human rights. Out of the government, out of the law, and especially out of education.

And all the vast army of self-interested money-grubbing clergy and lobby groups, and other assorted faith-based so-called community leaders who currently feed on our freedom like maggots should be told exactly what they can do with themselves in the bluntest possible terms. I’ll even volunteer for that job myself.

Peace, but not at any price.

* As happened to cartoonist Gregorius Nekschot in May 2008.