Goodbye Secrets (The Lost & Found Series book #2) (42 page)

“Okay, sweetheart, let’s see.” He sighs before he starts. “‘It’s Christmas Day!’ said Scrooge to himself. ‘I haven’t missed it. The Spirits have done it all in one night. They can do anything they like. Of course they can. Of course they can. Hallo, my fine fellow!’” Grayson continues on with the ending, his voice so soft and beautiful. I fall asleep happy, loved, and safe in his arms. It all seems so familiar—like we’ve been together for years, not months.

I’m at an airfield. I don’t hear the planes at all. I just hear “I Will Follow You into the Dark” by Death Cab for Cutie. I feel as if I am in an old movie—it’s all grayish. My dad’s waving. He steps into a Cessna plane. Morgan waves. She steps into another Cessna plane. Grayson waves. He too steps into a plane. Ray follows suit. All four planes are identical. They take turns down the runway. Eventually, they are all up in the sky. They are flying in loops around each other. It’s like they are all dancing in the air. I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn. “Mom!” I shout. I can’t even hear myself—the music is so loud. She holds my hand and smiles at me—her green eyes matching mine. Her hair is short and wavy, just how I remember. I feel heat. I turn my head. “No!” I scream. “No!” I have no voice. Just music.

“No!” I scream again as I open my eyes. I sit straight up.

“Sweetheart, Becca, you’re safe, baby! C’mere.” Grayson pulls me to him as I sob. I explain the dream I just had while I catch my breath.

“I don’t know who was in the plane that exploded!”

“Becca, it was probably your dad, sweetheart. Think about it. Cessna planes and your dad—that’s a huge memory for you. The explosion might be just from recent events. Shh, sweetheart, it was just a nasty dream.” He holds me tightly and kisses my hair.

“Yes ... you’re probably right.” I try to calm myself down. “Grayson, it felt so real.” I release one last sob.

“I hate when you have bad dreams, Becca. What can I do, baby?” He holds my face in his hands.

“Just hold me, Gray. Don’t let me go.” He slides back down and welcomes me in his arms. “I love you, Grayson ... so very much.” I kiss his chest and accept the tissue he offers me.

“There there, sweetheart, everything’s going to be all right.” He takes it back from me and chucks it into the wastebasket. I close my eyes again. It doesn’t take me long to surrender to sleep.

“Happy Christmas Eve, darling.” I hear Grayson’s voice above me, sounding so cheerful. I feel my lips slowly pull into a smile before I open my eyes.

“You know, you don’t need props to get me to kiss you.” I eye the mistletoe he’s holding above us.

“Oh, yes I do! Waking you in the morning can go either way. I need all the help I can get.” He leans down to collect my lips.

“Mmm.” I stretch under him.

“Aunt Hazel’s already in the kitchen getting the sauce started, love.” His mouth presses against my belly. “Hallo in there, little one. Happy Christmas! We love you!”

I run my hands through his hair.

“Proud Papa suits you.” I sit up and kiss his head. “Thanks for reading to me last night. It was very relaxing.” I pull the covers off and sit at the side of the bed, rubbing my face. It’s going to be a long day.

“Anytime, sweetheart.” He grasps my shoulders and massages them. I roll my neck back, enjoying the sensation of his hands touching me so lovingly. His lips find my neck and leave a wonderful trail of kisses down it.

“I wish we didn’t need all of these security people. I’d love to just worry about cooking for us today. I’d like to just stay in this room with you and have a lazy day.” I sigh.

“Sweetheart, you love cooking for all of these people. I thought
the more the merrier
was your motto!” He sits behind me and wraps me in a hug.

“Yes, usually ... but I just want to be with you today. I’d like to give you my full attention, Mr. James.” I smile up at him.

“I’d love that, sweetheart, but alas, my powers stop short at making people disappear.”

“Ha ... well, you’re fired then.” I tap his arms and squeeze them to me.

“Here, love, you forgot to reblock him.” He hands me my phone. There are a few texts from Ray.

December 23, 2012 11:33 p.m.

Ray:
Babe, you forgot to give Annie her phone.

December 24, 2012 8:27 a.m.

Ray:
We’re taking the girls out for breakfast and an errand, then we’ll drop Morgan off.

Ray:
Becca, this is Mama. I want a word with you, baby girl!

Ray:
Uh-oh, Becs!

Me:
Mama’s Boy! I’ll have Annie’s phone for her. Enjoy your breakfast!

“Can the man make it through a single paragraph without referring to you as
babe
or
baby
five times or more?” Grayson sighs with frustration.

“Well, look at it this way—you probably call me
sweetheart
just as much.”

He ponders the idea and shrugs his shoulders.

“Point is, Becca—sweetheart—you are indeed
my
sweetheart and
not
his baby!”

I stand up and turn to him, lacing his fingers with mine. I balance against his hands as I lean in for a kiss.

“Well, Gray, he’s been calling me that since the very first day I met him. I don’t think that will ever change. Now come, let’s get a move on, shall we?” I pull on his hands. He stands up. His chest is an inch from my face—he completely towers over me. I plant a kiss on his sternum and lean up on my tippy-toes to plant one on his lips.

His hands cup my face. “I love you, Becca ... I’ll always love you, darling.” Before I can question the ache in his declaration, his mouth is on mine. “Mmm, Becca, sweetheart.” His breath is warm against my lips. “If we don’t get dressed, I’m afraid your wish will come true and we will not be able to leave this room the entire day.”

“You may be quite right, Mr. James, as you are standing in front of me shirtless with those PJ bottoms hanging the way that they do ... the way I find absolutely delicious.” I reach up to explore his chest as I bite gently at his neck.

“Oh, bloody hell, Becca!” His hands fist my hair. His mouth finds mine again and the bed withstands the weight of us falling dramatically to it.

“Sorry, Hazel!” I announce as I walk into the kitchen, instead of greeting her with something more pleasant like “good morning” or “merry Christmas.”

Christmas has always been a two-day holiday to me, with Christmas Eve hosting most of the special traditions and memories I hold dear. It was so exciting being a kid in my family! My cousins and I would be sent to bed at our usual time. It would take forever for us to fall asleep, thanks to the anticipation. All of our friends were jealous of us though, because, unlike them, we didn’t have to wait until morning to open our gifts. Nope! As soon as that fat bearded man in a red suit boarded his sleigh and took off, our parents ran down the hall screaming for us to get up.

“Wake up, kids! Craig! Ethan! Dan! Owen! Becca! Santa was here! Come and see what he’s brought you!”
Being the youngest and the only girl, one would think I got bulldozed over, but
hell no
! I charged through the stampede like a little woman on a mission! I always knew that under that tree lay a baby all wrapped up and looking for her mama ... I couldn’t keep her waiting!

I tried to keep the tradition up with Morgan, but I guess it’s not as much fun for an only child. Annie wasn’t down for it, either. So, Ray and I would open our gifts to each other on Christmas Eve after we loaded the tree with the girls’ stuff. If his parents were with us, they joined in as well. We made Christmas morning all about the girls. This is the first time in six years the girls won’t be together on Christmas morning. This will be the first McNeil-free Christmas. I can’t help but feel a little pang in my heart. It doesn’t feel right, but I just need to get over it. My life is with Grayson now. There are going to be a lot of changes. It only feels odd because Ray has been such a permanent fixture in my life for so long.

“Becca! Where is your head at? Becca!” Hazel barks at me.

“Huh? Oh, sorry. Sorry.” I shake my head to regain focus.

“When should we put the lasagnas in?” she asks, looking at me warily.

“Um, one o’clock. I’m going to boil the sausages now.” I go to the fridge.

“Becca, they were boiled yesterday. They’re in the sauce.” She seems frustrated.

“Well, how the hell would I know? Nobody waited for me to do anything!” I snap, which is quite odd for me to do ... well, at least when it comes to Hazel.

“Becca!”

“Sorry.” I say it, but I don’t mean it. Why was everything done without me? “What can I do?”

“Everything is done, Becca.” She regards me cautiously, as if I’m behaving like a ticking time bomb.

“Of course it is!” I snap again and walk out.

“Sweetheart?” Grayson grabs my arm.

“Please, Gray, I just need a minute ... hormones and all, you know?” I don’t look at him.

“All right then, love.” He lets go and I head back upstairs. With every step I take, I feel as if a huge wave of emotions is smacking me in the face. I can’t quite pinpoint the cause. It could be the pregnancy, or the fact that I haven’t been in the driver’s seat to my own life in three months. My tradition of preparing Christmas Eve dinner as well as dessert and other goodies has been taken away without permission or a thought. This has clearly become the
straw
!

After lying on our bed for probably twenty minutes, crying my eyes out, I come to no conclusion about anything. Probably because I’m avoiding what is really bothering me. I’m afraid to face it ... my feelings for Ray, the ties that bind us. It’s not a simple situation of saying
Well, I choose this fellow
. Leaving Ray is not cut-and-dried. We are like a basket being unwoven. There’s so much there, and other people involved—it’s not just the two of us. It’s not just Christmas without each other, it’s every holiday, every life event. It’s phone calls until two in the morning, or, like Ray said, until we fall asleep. It’s Annie ... it’s Elise. What will Grayson say when I absentmindedly call Ray to tell him something funny or just to ask him what he thinks? I won’t be allowed to do that! This is goodbye forever. This is never hearing about Annie’s first boyfriend, first dance, or graduation. What if something happens to Ray’s parents? Who is he going to lean on?

But I have Grayson—I’m his family now— plus Morgan and our little one. I can’t walk away from this, either. I’ve fallen so hard for him. I feel as if I’ve loved him forever. He’s gone above and beyond to keep us safe. He treats Morgan as if she is his own. They have an amazing connection. So natural, like it’s always been there.

“Sweetheart.” Grayson rubs my back.

“Oh. Hi.” I turn to him and wipe my tears away. He studies my face for a long time.

“Trying to sort things out?” he finally asks. I nod. “Well,” his eyes go rapid, “what have you come up with, then?”

“Will you let me keep in touch with the McNeils after a certain amount of time has passed?” I sit up and face him boldly.

“Yes. Yes, I will. I know what Annie means to you, and you’ve expressed your love for his Mum as well. If they want to continue a friendship with you, I will allow it.” At this moment, I do feel as if I am some sort of prisoner.

“Ray?” I ask.

“You may talk to Ray via any method, except in person. I think you should wait a few months, though. You know, let wounds heal and all.” He straightens a wrinkle in the sheet instead of looking at me.

“How do you feel about me asking you this?” My index finger pulls his chin up.

“Uncomfortable, to be honest. But I understand it, and I’ve also learned that if I squeeze too hard with you ... you will most certainly slip out of my hands.”

I’m a bit taken aback by this.

“Mr. James, have I softened you a bit?” I bite back my smile.

“You may have, darling ... but I’m pretty sure you know how to fix that.” He thumbs my lip away and sucks on it purposefully. His whole mouth joins mine and slowly he pushes me back down.

“No, Gray, stop. I can’t.” I try to pull away. He straddles me and gets onto his knees, then pulls his shirt up and off. “Grayson, please,” I whisper as he grabs my hands and pins them down.