H. A. Carter (2 page)

Jackson lowered his eyes, briefly defeated.
Shameful sadness washed across his face seconds before he returned
her cold stare. Jackson just couldn't go down without a fight, and
decided to deliver

one final low blow.

He leaned in close, his course lips almost
grazing her ear, “Your son being gone is no loss, Trina. That thing
should have never been born.”

Jackson turned harshly away. A smirk of
triumph danced across his face as he stomped into the church,
filing in with the others.

Trina kept her composure just long enough to
see Jackson's tailored black suit fade away through the doorway.
All her strength came crashing down in one intense explosion. She
clutched her chest tightly, nearly losing her balance, choking on
the pain of Jackson's last comment. Bright silver bubbles swirled
through her vision. She bent over slightly, afraid she may vomit on
the cold gray sidewalk. Warm, salty tears crept slowly down her
pale cheeks. She looked like a starved child being punished for
eating a stale piece of bread that was thrown for the dogs. That's
how they treated her, worthy of nothing more than their scraps of
forced pity, starving her of her own grief. No one stopped to see
if she was okay. No one even gave her a second look. It was out of
her control, and she could not escape it.

I could imagine her pain, her agony, as she
hugged herself alone in front of that church. I should have been
there to hug her. Someone should have been there to hug her. I
wanted so badly to make Jackson pay for what he said to my mother,
but I knew he was right. I was no loss to anyone. If anything, it
was a great gain that I was gone from society for good.

She dried her tears, smoothed down her navy
blue dress, raised her head once again, and entered the somber
building. Despite how she felt inside, she would not let them see
her break. That was a satisfaction they would just have to live
without.

The deafening echo of the town clock striking
noon in the distance still rings in my ears from that fateful day.
It was a Monday.

I remember deciding then, what I was going to
do. That day my belief in God ran dry, and I took life in my own
hands. I made the decision then, for better or worse. Sometimes I
still wonder why I was so certain of my choices back then. Why I
was so sure that was the only way.

Torment.

That's one reason why I did it.

Embarrassment.

Hatred.

Rejection.

Vengeance...

I can go on and on about the small seemingly
minute reasons that when grouped together create a force so
malevolent that I'm not sure could have been stopped, even if they
had believed me to be dangerous. Every day I had to endure those
emotions, like it or not. Some days were worse than others. I don't
really remember many days in which I didn't feel like an out-cast
and made shameful to be alive. You tell me, who aspires to be
rejected in life? Not I. I'm still unsure, even to this day, as to
why I was so disliked. Why it was me who had to be the center of
their ridicule? Why he hated me so much? I never did anything to
any of them until that day. Perhaps, it was just my very presence
in the world they despised. How horrid of a being do you have to be
for others to hate your very essence in the same room? Am I really
that bad?

“Carter, I'm going to fucking kill you!”

“What did I do now?”

“I know it was you who told Mr. Ryan about
the test yesterday, Asshole! That's what you did!”

Jack Jr's face was bearing down on mine. His
thick arrogant breath invading my nostrils, making me almost choke.
I could feel the heat of anger and rage coming off his chin as he
talked down to me. JJ, was a big guy, like his dad. He stood 6'2
and weighed in over 200lbs of pure muscle. JJ towered over my
mediocre 5' 9 frame. I was built more like my mother, small but
lean. He was the poster boy for the all American jock. The fucking
high school football hero right here in front of me. Oh lucky day!
Can I have an autograph?

Football hero or not, JJ was not the
brightest crayon in the box. As a matter of fact he was more an
earthy tone at best. Yes, I had seen him cheat on Mr. Ryan's
history test. Hell, anyone with a set of eyes could have seen him
cheat on that test. He wasn't too slick about it either. However,
it wasn't me who ratted on him. It was Joanna. She said she was
finally sick and tired of him always getting out of school work and
walking all over people just because he played football. She said
she was just tired of all of them, we both were. I wasn't going to
tell JJ that it was her, of course. It's not like he'd believe me
if I did anyway. Blaming me was just second nature to him. I was an
easy scapegoat and always had been. I probably always will be. That
thought made me really hate my life.

“I didn't do it, JJ,” I said quietly to the
smooth linoleum floor. I didn't want to look him in the eyes. It
always seemed to make things worse when I tried to stand up for
myself. So, I just gave up these days. Really, what more could he
possibly do to me?

“Don't lie to me, you little shit!” he
growled, “Mr. Ryan's making me retake the test before the football
game. If I don't pass, I don't play!”

His thick trunk like arm swung against my
chest hard, pinning me to the wall. I couldn't move

nor did I dare try. The weight of his
behemoth arm crushing against my rib cage.

It will be over soon. Just close your eyes
and take it, I said to myself.

JJ leaned down again, hovering so close I can
smell the cheap acne cream on his stubbly chin.

“Trust me, Carter, if we lose this game,
it'll be your ass. I'm going to make sure everyone knows it was
your fault too. Everyone.”

Great! That was just what I needed, more
people hating me. I really hate my life.

JJ snickered a little, “Pathetic, Carter.
Just plain pathetic.”

It was coming. I knew it. He'd punch me right
in the guts for this one. My eyes shut tight in anticipation. So
tight all I could see was a blurred pinkish white from the inside
of my eyelids. I took in a deep breath waiting for the
inevitable.

Nothing. But, it'll come. I know it.

Nothing.

Nothing.

The wait was starting to get to me. God, just
get it over with!

Tick tock.

Tick tock.

What's taking him so long?!

I almost started to panic. The bell would be
ringing soon, and all of the classes would switch. The hallway
flooded with giggling teenage girls and hormone driven teenage
boys, each one not above laughing at the freak getting his ass
kicked yet again.

Oh, my god, he's waiting for everyone to see
it! My heart raced faster and faster, nearly

pumping right out of my chest. My face was
reddening and becoming flush. My stomach churned slightly. I was
too afraid to open my eyes just yet.

I don't think I can take anymore
embarrassment today! I cried to myself.

Jack started to laugh.

“Not yet, Carter, you little weenie. You'll
have your time, though. I'm not going to let you know when, but
you'll have it. Mark my words,” he snarled at me and walked off
with his entourage of wannabes.

Relief struck me as well as fear. Who knows
what horrible things he and his jock friends had planned for me
now. I had two more classes until the day was over. One of them
being with JJ and two of his lackeys. Shit was going to hit the fan
today....and I was the shit.

There were so many more instances in which I
was made the butt of every joke by JJ and his friends. Those
bastards certainly knew how to make a guy feel welcomed. Ha.
Ha.

I tried to remember the first time they let
me know I wasn't good enough for their little clique. I'd like to
say it wasn't until at least junior high, but it started much
earlier than that. I do believe the first time I met them I was
already considered the odd man out.

What was so wrong with me? Why didn't they
like me? What did I do??

Even when we were young they bullied me. It
all started back in elementary school. I remember the worse day
very well. That was the day they made me pee my pants in front of
the entire third grade.

*

“Come on, Harvey, let's go! We have to hurry!
She'll be waiting, I swear! Scout's honor!” JJ held up two fingers
very business like in order to prove his honesty.

“I've really got to go, JJ! This is our only
bathroom break, you know that! I thought I could, but just I can't
wait!” I pleaded back, holding myself trying not to let go. In Miss
Watson's third grade you got one bathroom break right after lunch
and before recess. I was as regular as Old Faithful when it came to
taking our daily bathroom break, but today I had planned on
skipping bathroom break to go outside early with JJ. I thought I
was finally joining the “in” crowd and this was my chance. Maybe I
shouldn't have had that second juice at lunch.

“No, Harvey! Just hold it and come with me. I
said she'll be waiting for you!” JJ scolded.

I had to pee so bad it was beginning to hurt
my sides. I didn't know what to do. JJ was being nice to me and
told me Joanna liked me and wanted to meet me by the swings at
recess. Me! Can you

believe it? Joanna was the coolest girl in
the third grade and she liked me! I thought the world of her.

Oh, Joanna. She was smart, pretty, and
popular. What's not to like? Plus, she was one of the only girls
that wasn't mean to me. I would give anything to have her be my
girlfriend, and that meant skipping my usual bathroom break. I
couldn't be late or she might think I don't like her. This was my
chance to be in the cool crowd and get the girl. Just like in the
movies! I couldn't waste this moment.

“Alright, JJ. I'll hold it,” I said
shakily.

“Good, keep holding it, Harvey. She'll be
there.”

JJ and I strolled over to the swings,
navigating our way through the hustle and bustle of what seemed
like hundreds of other kids on the playground. I looked around
anxiously, but Joanna wasn't there. I began to panic, thinking
maybe I was too late. I gave JJ a terrified glance.

He smiled back, “Oh yeah! She told me she was
going to be a few minutes late. You know how girls are.”

He chuckled a little and nodded to his best
friend, Mike, who gave him a thumbs up. I assumed this was a sign
that she was on her way. I sure hoped so, because there was no way
I could hold it much longer.

The time seemed to drag on. It seemed like a
lifetime had passed rather than a couple of minutes as I waited, my
teeth almost swimming. My insides gurgled slightly and I feared
what was coming next.

Uh oh! Oh, man! I'm going to pee my pants! Oh
man, oh man, oh man!

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it!

I can't hold it!

“I'm sorry, JJ. I need to go. Please, please
tell her to wait for me. PLEASE!!” I begged him

as I began to leave.

“You're not going anywhere, Carter,” a
mischievous smiled spread across JJ's face.

Mike grabbed my arm and yanked me back. He
kept hold of me, his hands tightening around

my small wrist. Two other kids grabbed on as
well, gluing me in place.

“Hold him! Don't let him leave!” JJ commanded
the other boys.

“I've got to go!” I yelled as I tried to free
myself of their grip, still a little unsure as to what was going
on.

It was already too late. I could feel the
warm trickle of what was left of my apple juice from lunch
streaming down my legs. My eyes began to water, and I felt my face
get red hot.

“Carter, did you just piss your pants?” Mike
yelled loudly.

My chance was ruined. It was all ruined! Wet
tears fell softly down my face. My blue jeans were sticking to my
legs. A cool breeze chilled my damp clothes, fusing them to my
scrawny body. Goosebumps soon appeared up and down my spine. I
tried desperately to pull my green t-shirt down over my pants.

“Hey, everyone! Carter just peed himself!”
another one of JJ's goons shouted.

“Oh man, Carter. I can't believe you actually
peed yourself! Hey, Mike, I guess I owe you a dollar after all. You
were right! You won the bet!” JJ laughed hysterically, high-fiving
Mike as they both busted up.

Four classes worth of third graders came
charging over to the swings to see what all the commotion was. I
could hear the giggles and cackles already beginning. The wind blew
them away at first, but soon there was too much laughter for even
the strongest of gusts to cover up. It spread like wildfire
throughout the playground. Soon every kid out there saw what I had
done. The dark spot in the crotch of jeans more than enough
evidence to prove my guilt. My head turned from side to side

trying desperately to find a way out, or at
least a place to hide. Hell, I'd crawl into a hole leading to
Alcatraz if there was one available. I longed to just die right
there. Tears were starting to sting at my cheeks. My vision was
getting blurry and an escape seemed pointless now. Everyone had
already seen

me. I felt as if I were going to puke right
there on the thick blue rubber swing that dangled uselessly as I
pulled it in front of me.

John, my best friend and only friend, was the
only one who wasn't laughing at me. He even ran in front of me,
trying to block everyone's view. He began to shout back at the
laughing crowd that gathered around me.

“Leave him alone, guys! It was an accident!
It could have happened to any one of you!”

His attempts were thoughtful but useless.
Practically the whole school had already seen enough to damage my
ego for a lifetime. The truth was that, yeah, it could have
happened to any one of them, but it happened to me.