Haeven (12 page)

"They would kill us all if they knew! And it
would be all my fault!" As I berated myself my thoughts grew darker
and darker. "I am a killer! I've killed them all!" my mind
insisted. My head ached with nervousness. I missed my home and my
family.

My stomach turned and lurched when I thought
about them. I sprang from the bed and ran to my bathroom and
heaved, once...twice...a third time. My eyes were streaming, my
nose was running, and my heart was racing. I blacked out for who
knows how long while my mind wandered through all the possible
things to come.

When I came to and realized where I was and
remembered what had happened I stripped myself from my clothes and
threw them all in the nearby hamper. I took a shower determined to
wash it all away and when I was done I dressed in some lounge
clothes and deciding I had had enough lay down hoping sleep would
relieve me from all the awful burdens I felt I was under.

Before I could get the covers up and close my
eyes though Penny was at my door. "Emily, are you hungry? I've made
some dinner for us."

I threw my feet over the edge of the bed and
went to the door, "I'm really tired Penny. I don't think I can eat
right now."

"My," she said as she looked me over, "you
are aren't you. Were you sleeping? I'm sorry if I woke you."

"No, it's OK I just got out of the shower and
was about to lay down."

"Well, you go ahead and rest. I'll put a
plate together for you and put it in the fridge in case you wake up
hungry."

"Thanks," I started to close the door.

"Goodnight," Penny's voice sounded
hopeful.

I wondered if she was expecting a hug from
me. "I can't," I thought to myself, "I can't care about her and I
can't let her care about me after what I've done." "Goodnight," I
called back.

I trudged back to my bed and curled myself
into a ball beneath the covers. I forced my eyes closed and fought
to find some happy memory to focus on hoping it would help me to
fall asleep. Whether or not it worked I didn't know. Throughout the
night I felt wide awake and was plagued by so many vivid and
disturbing images that I honestly couldn't tell if they were dreams
and nightmares or just my overtaxed and anxiety-filled mind making
what was actually there into something that was not.

It was a terribly long time before the garden
began to brighten and birds began to chirp. Eventually the light
finally chased enough of the shadows away and I could see that my
floor hadn't disappeared or become some unimaginably deep abyss. I
looked closely at all the objects in my room and when I was sure
that my shoes were not some serpent or rodent waiting to crawl
across my foot as soon as I left my bed, I threw the covers back
then raced from my room and all the horrors that had haunted me
there throughout the night.

I went straight to the front door, swung it
wide and stumbled outside gasping for breath.

"Everything alright?"

"Avery?" I looked left and right but didn't
see him anywhere.

He cleared his throat and when I turned in
the direction of the sound saw him standing next to the key pad.
"Don't let him know. He doesn't need to know what's wrong! He'll
think I'm foolish and weak," I told myself and forced a warm smile.
"I just needed some fresh air," I said, "I guess it will take some
getting used to; being this far underground."

"It shouldn't." Avery stated
matter-of-factly.

I hated being contradicted but didn't dare
challenge him. My head was foggy and I knew I wouldn't be able to
think quickly enough to match wits with him or anyone for that
matter.

"What are you doing here anyway?" I
cautiously inquired.

Avery chuckled smugly, "I'm sure you can
guess."

"Of course. Herrik sent you to keep an eye on
me."

Avery raised his brows, "Would you rather I
fetch Carah instead?"

"How does he know how I feel about Carah?!" I
thought to myself.

"Touched a nerve have I?"

"Why..." I started to ask then realized that
I already knew the answer as to why he was being so abrasive.

I looked away, "I'm sorry," I mumbled and
turned to head back inside.

"Sorry? Well that makes everything all better
now doesn't it?"

I stopped in my tracks, "No," I whispered,
"no it does not."

"I'm glad we understand one another
then."

I nodded and without looking his way let
myself back inside.

After the night I had just spent this was not
the way I wanted to start my day. I buried my face in my hands and
told myself over and over again not to cry. Once I was sure I
wouldn't lose control I went to the living room and plopped down in
front of the TV. I flipped through the channels and when I couldn't
settle on anything to watch left it on some documentary about
people who lived in the Arctic.

I felt a subliminal chill run through me and
tugged the throw off the back of the couch then wrapped myself into
a little cocoon. Not long afterwards the sleep that had evaded me
all night finally took hold of me. I dozed off into a surprisingly
sound slumber. An hour later though Penny touched me on the
shoulder and I woke up screaming and fighting to free myself from
the tangle the blanket had become.

"Whoa, Emily, easy! Are you alright? Were you
having a bad dream?"

"Penny? Oh, I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry! I
know it doesn't change anything but...but..." I blubbered.

"Ssh, Emily, ssh. There's nothing for you to
apologize for."

"Oh, but there is!" I insisted but before I
could say anything more the buzzer rang and we could hear Avery
calling out to us from beyond the front door.

"I'll be right back," Penny assured me.

She went to the door and let Avery in.

"I heard a scream!" he looked anxiously from
Penny to me and back again.

"Emily just had a bad dream," Penny
explained. "Everything's fine." Then realizing the strangeness of
Avery being there just then, "What are you doing here?"

Avery's jaw clenched, "I was just passing by
and..."

"Ah," Penny nodded in relief. "Herrik sent
you to make sure we were comfortable and had everything we needed,"
Penny quickly deduced. "Well, everything's fine. You can let him
know that we are doing quite well and we'll be sure to let him know
if we think of anything," she looked expectantly at him then down
the hall towards the front door.

Avery caught my eye and shot me a warning
look. I wondered if he somehow knew what I had been about to do. I
looked away guiltily and shortly afterwards heard his steps as he
went to the front door and let himself out.

Penny came back to where I was sitting and
arranged herself beside me, “Are you sure you’re alright?” she
asked. “I know you’re feeling overwhelmed, Emily and it’s going to
take some time for you to adjust. I will help you however I can but
trust me, you will learn to love it here. It’s just that everything
seems so foreign to you right now. Nothing is where you expect it
to be and you have to meet new people and make new friends but it
will pass, Emily. You’ll see.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and
nodded.

"Would you like some breakfast?"

"No," I couldn't imagine trying to eat just
then and Penny's natural generosity was gnawing away at me. Hungry
or not I couldn't bring myself to accept her offer.

"Emily," her voice full of disapproval, "you
didn't eat any dinner and you clearly haven't slept well. You need
to eat something or you'll waste away."

I shrugged, "I can just have some
cereal."

"Cereal? I could go for some eggs myself; how
do you like yours?" she seemed determined to get me to eat. "Do you
like them spicy? My mom always made scrambled eggs for us and she
would put some salsa in them so they were nice and
spicy...mmm."

It didn't sound so mmm to me but I agreed to
her suggestion rather than argue and asked if I could help.

"Sure but wash up first."

It didn't take long between the two of us
even though Penny had to stop what she was doing once or twice to
help me with what I was working on. I had never really cooked for
myself; both my parents worked and it was either a bowl of cereal
or something from the toaster most mornings. It was something new
for me, too, to be sitting down to an unhurried breakfast and not
worrying about buses or carpool or dry cleaning or the hundred
other errands my mother would try to do before and after work.

Penny made coffee and I asked if I could try
some. It smelled so good; warm and comforting and I knew it was
supposed to help keep you awake and alert which I thought would be
quite useful after the sleepless night I spent.

She poured me half a mug and let me try a sip
black first. It was dark and bitter, much like the way I was
feeling and my face soured at the taste of it. Penny laughed at my
expression, "Yep, that's how I expected you to react!" Then she
sweetened it with cream and sugar for me.

"Ooh, that's so much better," I smiled over
the rim. Then I thought, "I wish there was a way I could add some
cream and sugar to my life!"

I finished the coffee well before the eggs.
It filled me up more than I had expected and though Penny prodded
me to eat more she eventually gave into my proclamations that I
just wasn't hungry and let me clear our plates away before excusing
myself so that I could get ready to start our day.

Since there was little else to do Penny
suggested that we venture out so I could learn my way around a bit.
Once we left the apartment the first thing I saw was Avery. Somehow
Penny didn't notice him and I was surprised that rather than
following us he stood his ground. Apparently it didn't matter who I
was with as long as I was with someone. I tried not to think
anything more of it.

Penny ended up taking me on a lengthy tour of
all the common areas. She introduced me to everyone she knew and
pointed out others that she just recognized. Judging by the people
we met I decided that Penny was very well-liked.

I, on the other hand, was new and though
everyone was friendly I felt like there was a great deal of
suspicion in their regard. It was bearable most of the time but
once or twice I felt the need to excuse myself from a conversation
Penny struck up during our ramble pretending something had caught
my eye and my curiosity had gotten the better of me. Penny would
conclude her chat shortly afterwards politely indicating that she
needed to get back to me but hoped she would see whoever it was
again soon.

"You needn't be so shy," she said to me one
time. "The sooner you get to know everyone the sooner you will feel
at home here."

I didn't think I would ever feel at home
there. Other than Penny there weren't any other people there like
me. I knew there were on the upper levels but also knew that it was
very unlikely I would be allowed to meet any of them. Either way I
was probably the youngest person there and I doubted very much
anyone was even close to my age.

A little after mid-day I began to feel the
effects of not getting a good, night's sleep. I was yawning and
zoning out, rubbing my eyes and shuffling my feet. When she noticed
Penny finally led us home where we quietly passed the rest of the
day.

By the time evening fell I could barely keep
my eyes open and I was so tired that I forgot all my fear and
apprehension and gladly went to bed as soon as Penny suggested
it.

Unfortunately the night wasn’t much better
than the last. I managed some fitful bouts of sleep but mostly
tossed and turned and fretted over every little detail of my day.
Every face I saw flashed before my eyes, every word I spoke I
questioned whether or not I should have spoken it. I was terrified
that I wasn’t using the trick Herrik had taught me to cloak what
was in my mind properly and that every thought I had was there on
the surface for anyone to come along and pluck away from me.

I intermittently slept, panicked and
recovered only to repeat the process over and over again until the
morning finally came and I accepted the fact that sleep had eluded
me yet again and it was time to get up.

Rather than wait I got dressed and imagining
it would be an hour or more before Penny woke I decided to take a
stroll through the garden. I left a brief note explaining where I
was and when I expected to be back. Carah was just outside the
front door when I stepped out and for a brief moment I thought
about turning back but thought that would only confirm for her that
I had something to hide even if it just was myself from her.

I made an extra effort to keep my thoughts
hidden and smiling cheerfully offered her a gracious good morning
then got on my way. It was so beautiful in the garden first thing
in the morning. The birds were flitting here and there, the grass
was dappled with dew, and there were little tendrils of fog
drifting across the pond. I was surprised to find myself there and
realized that I must have somehow remembered the way. As I gazed
across it I thought I noticed a door on the far side and wondered
where it would lead to.

I decided to find out.

Carah was still following me; trailing a
number of yards behind but when we were near enough for her to know
where I was heading she called out for me to stop.

“I don’t think Herrik would enjoy a visit
from you right now.”

“Oh, is that whose door it is?”

“There are only two apartments in the
garden; yours and his.”

I didn’t know that.

“There’s no keypad?”

Carah guffawed, “Herrik doesn’t need
one.”

I frowned wondering what she meant by the
statement. She was impossible to read. Other than angry I could
never tell what she was thinking. It didn’t really matter, I would
never willingly visit Herrik anyway. The thought of facing him
horrified me. I was sure he would know even if no one else seemed
to, somehow he would know that I more or less confessed his
cover-up to Carah.