Hanging On (13 page)

“But you’re not the least bit worried?” She shrugged. “There’s no point in worrying. I can take a morning-after pill if it’ll make you feel better.” She hadn’t known about those before.

When Ellen had gone to the hospital with her, she asked the nurse to give Sophia one
“just to make sure.”

Hands firmly fisted on his hips, Drew studied the ceiling. His lips moved, and she deduced he was counting to rein in his temper.

“If it will make
me
feel better.” He muttered the phrase under his breath several times before locking eyes with her. “What about
you
, Sophia? What do
you
want?”

It was her turn to be perplexed. “I’ve known you for two weeks, Drew. I don’t want a relationship with you. Sex with no strings attached. This is supposed to be casual and fun.
That’s
what I want.” He grabbed his cell and keys from the counter. The expression on his face was dark, and storms clouded his eyes.

She reached for him, placing a tentative hand on his arm. “I think it’s premature to get upset over something like this.”

“You want me to…what? Put it on the back burner? Pretend like it didn’t happen?” He wouldn’t look at her, and she began to panic. She didn’t want this to be serious, but the idea of not having him in her life constricted her chest painfully.

“For a little while, yes,” she said as calmly as she could manage. She didn’t want him to hear her panic. It had been three years since she had a panic attack. She wasn’t even on antidepressants anymore. “At least for a
114

week. I’ll take a pregnancy test in a week, okay? I just…I just don’t want this to ruin what we have.”

He looked down at her hand on his arm, and she followed his gesture.

Her fingers were white with the pressure of the grip she had on him.

Suddenly self-conscious, she released him and apologized.

Relenting, he took her face in his hands. “I don’t want to lose what we have, either. You’re right. It’s premature to worry. I’ll give it a week.” Her lips parted in surprise. He treated her admission as if it confirmed she had some hard-core feelings for him and for some random egg that might be floating around inside her, running from his sperm the way she ran from his affection. Before she could think of anything to say, he continued.

“Set up something with one of your subs, honey. I’m free Monday evening, and so are you.” He dropped a brief kiss on her lips and walked out the front door.

115

Sophia spent most of the day Thursday setting up her company. She already had an independent license. It was just a matter of filing some more paperwork. Since she owned all the programs and equipment she needed, she had no real start-up costs. Now all she needed to do was find some clients. Luckily, she had already downloaded her lists of contacts onto the BlackBerry Sabrina so thoughtfully supplied.

Friday afternoon, she was contemplating whom to call first when the damn thing rang, startling her into dropping it. Christopher’s name showed on the caller ID.

“Hi, Chris,” she said brightly. “How are you?” The question was casual, but she was dying to know how his relationship with his new woman was going. She didn’t see how a man who needed pain in order to have an orgasm was going to have a successful relationship with a vanilla woman.

His rich laugh, something she was not frequently in a position to hear, sounded on the other end. “Actually, Sophia, I was calling to see how you were doing. I called your office to see if you were up for some work from my firm, and some helpful lady gave me all the details as to how you had a melodramatic fight with your boss and stormed out, fist in the air, vowing never to return.”

She laughed, easily picturing the face of Jeremy’s secretary who loved Jeremy and gossip. “Sounds interesting. Did I yell and throw things?” Christopher laughed in understanding. He knew how tightly controlled she was. Public yelling and screaming would never happen, not again. “You broke the poor man’s heart and left him an empty shell.”

“The shell was decorative,” she explained. “And expensive. I thought he could put some bath soaps in it.” They shared a mercy laugh. Chris didn’t
116

sound overly happy. Concern softened her voice. “What’s wrong, Christopher? Why are you really calling?” He didn’t hesitate, switching to a purely business tone. “Really, we’re looking for an accountant. I’ve worked with you before, and I know how good you are. We’d like you to put together a proposal. I can bring over the specifics right now if you have time.” From the way his cell phone crackled, she could tell he was on the road. His next warning confirmed it. “I’m heading into a tunnel…”

Static buzzed the line, and then she heard nothing. She hung up. Before she could wonder how he knew she was setting up her own business, he called back.

“Sorry about that. I’m about five minutes from the exit that’ll take me to your place. Are you interested?”

“Yeah,” she said, looking down at her jean shorts and ratty T-shirt.

Chris had never seen her look unkempt. “I’ll see you in ten.” Her transformation was impressive, even if she was the only one around to appreciate it. The clothes were easy. She put her hair up in a twist and dabbed on some light makeup. It was strange to dress in a business suit to meet Christopher at her house.

She greeted him at the door with a brief kiss on the cheek. After she took care of the pleasantries and poured him a cup of coffee, they settled down in the living room and got to business.

“So, tell me, Christopher, how did you know I was starting my own business?”

He laughed, a deep and genuine rumble escaping his chest. “I was hoping to convince you to do just that. But I can see you’ve already thought this through.”

“You know me so well,” she said. It was a snide swipe, and she felt resentful. The beautiful part about being a dominatrix was that her submissives never knew much about her, while she knew a great deal about them. Christopher’s assumption made her uncomfortable because it made Sophia doubt her armor. Maybe Drew had found that chink, too. Maybe he was using that to break her.

His laugh turned tiny and nervous. “I know you like to be in control.” He shook his head, denying the boundaries he might have overstepped. “I

117

don’t pretend to know the details of your life, Sophia, but I know you. Don’t be upset. It’s not a bad thing, you know, for someone to
know
you.” Yes, it was. Knowing her meant she would have to face their pity and indignation. Knowing her meant the fragile shell that barricaded her from hurt was shattered. She didn’t want to be open, raw, and broken. She had seen how much it broke the hearts of the people who loved her. Her parents still tiptoed around too many subjects. Daniel still blamed himself because Charlie had been his friend. Ellen never questioned her need to work at the club. Jonas pushing her toward Drew was the first forward thing anyone had done around her.

She squared her shoulders and took control of the conversation. “You mentioned something about handling an account?” The proposal he invited her to write was for the contract to handle the billing and accounting for his law firm. The partners themselves had been handling it all, but the firm was growing too large. They needed someone to keep everything organized.

It was pretty straightforward and would keep her fairly busy. She assured Chris she could have something for him Monday by two. When he rose, she expected a few pleasantries to fall out of his mouth as he made his exit, but he only moved closer.

“Now that the business is finished, there is a reason I came to you instead of inviting you to my office.” His big brown eyes were somber and sad. She hated seeing him like this.

She tried to keep it light. “You thought I’d bring my whips with me?” His smile broke her heart. “Things didn’t work out with Janelle.” She nodded in understanding. “You told her the way you like things, and she judged you.”

“I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. We tried to have sex a couple of times.” Chris studied the ground. “I couldn’t get there. She thought it was her and ended it.”

Sophia put her hand over his, something a friend would do.

“I need you, Sophia. You’re the only woman who really understands me.”

She blinked. She expected begging, not what bordered on a declaration of romantic interest. “Christopher, we’ve been through this. You’re not in love with me.”

118

“I could be,” he said, turning to face her and capturing her hands in his larger ones. “We could date, get to know each other outside of the bedroom.

We’re both professionals with common interests. It could work.” Biting her bottom lip, she struggled not to recoil. She didn’t even want that with Drew. A grain of doubt wedged itself under the edge of her shell.

She did want that with Drew, and it terrified her. “I’m seeing someone,” she admitted. “He’s asked me not to sleep with my submissives unless he’s part of it.”

Chris shook his head. “It’s not like you to let someone else call the shots.”

“He’s not a submissive.” Her lips twisted ruefully. “He likes watching me dominate others, but he doesn’t like to be dominated himself.” Fascination lit in Christopher’s dark eyes. His full lips puckered with the possibilities. Livia loved threesomes, which was why she frequently brought her dates to Sophia. Christopher had never once hinted an interest. She could see the questions in his eyes. The dominatrix in her waited, making him voice them.

“So, he would watch you discipline me, and then we would both have sex with you?”

She shook her head. “The rules aren’t that stringent. All of the possibilities are on the table, Chris. You might be a bottom or a top. You might find your face between my legs and his dick in your ass. I may instruct you to fuck him while I whip you. I won’t know until I choreograph the scenario.”

Christopher’s pupils dilated. His lips parted, and his breaths came shallowly. He was interested, and he trusted her to make sure he got what he needed. “Yes. I want this. You wouldn’t happen to be free tonight, would you?”

She laughed. “Be here Monday at five, Christopher. You need to hit the lab and get tested again. Janelle isn’t part of our circle.” When Christopher was gone, she texted Drew, asking something that would have been phrased as a command if he were a sub:
3some Monday at
5. My house. You okay with that?

He texted her back moments later, attaching directions to his house:
I’m
still dipping your ass in chocolate Sunday. Bring your vibrator.

119

He didn’t answer the question directly, probably to make her bristle. He knew how much she hated inexact consent. She wondered if he was back from New York yet. She knew Jonas, or more likely Sabrina, had scheduled all the groomsmen for some of the same spa treatments that the bridesmaids were getting. Sunday suddenly seemed so far away. Sophia wondered if she would run into Drew at the spa the next day, wanting it with a sharp pang that made her chide herself for acting like a hormonal teenager.

Sabrina showed up that evening at City Club, her last client. It was a little after one in the morning. She wore her customary thong and bra, sky blue this time, crossing her arms over herself to shield her body from prying eyes. Sophia swallowed her amusement at Sabrina’s shyness. How could she travel the world with an exhibitionist and still be shy about her own nudity?

Maybe because she was so absorbed in her own life, Sophia was hyperaware of how Sabrina was shielding her body. Unconsciously, she protected her abdomen, not her breasts or pussy.

The argument Sophia had with Drew replayed fresh in her head. Did he want her to be pregnant? What did he think that could accomplish?

Sophia took a deep breath and dropped her dominatrix persona.

“Sabrina, what are you doing here? Does Ellen know you’re here? Does Jonas?”

“Jonas has known for some time that I come to you,” she said quietly.

“What he does to me is different.”

Sexual, was what she meant. Her interactions with Sophia were not charged with any kind of sexual tension. While Sophia wouldn’t turn Sabrina away from her bed, she knew Sabrina didn’t share the sentiment.

Her eyes were focused squarely on Jonas. Nobody else existed.

It made Sophia ache with jealousy for something she would never have.

“That’s not what I meant,” she said gently. Sophia could tell the shedding of the dominatrix attitude bothered Sabrina.

She bristled anxiously. “Are you mad at me about Drew? I know you’re still seeing him. He came to see me this evening.” Sophia shook her head, keeping things focused on Sabrina. “No. I question your sanity at showing up here pregnant. It’s not safe.” And she wanted to know why Drew went to see Sabrina. They had been friends for years, since he and Ginny met in high school. It wasn’t unusual for him to
120

spend time with either Sabrina or Jonas, but something in the way she offered up that piece of information made Sophia think his visit had been to ferret out information about her.

Her lips parted, and then snapped back closed. Drawing herself up fully, she affected the haughty demeanor Sophia loved to whip out of her. “You can stay away from my stomach.”

This time, Sophia shook her head with regret. She could stay away from the abdomen. She could make sure she concentrated only on Sabrina’s ass and legs, but she would never forgive herself if something happened, and neither would Sabrina. “Go home, Sabrina. Nobody here is going to whip you.”

Tears glistened in her eyes, sparkling in the dim light. “How did you know? We aren’t telling anyone until after the wedding.” Sophia put her arm around Sabrina, a gesture designed both to comfort her and guide her back to the changing rooms. “My lips are sealed, but the signs are obvious. You’re tired, eating healthy, and not drinking anything but water and fruit juices. I’m happy for you both. I know this is something you really want. I’m not going to jeopardize your pregnancy just because you want to relax a bit. Go home to Jonas. He can do other things to relax you.”

She burst into tears and threw her arms around Sophia. God, she was tiny. “Did Jonas call you? I didn’t tell him I was coming tonight.”

“We’ll keep this between us,” she promised. “Go get dressed. There’s a nice non-smoking bistro in the hotel next door, and I’m starving.” They stayed out far too late. It was just the two of them, and Sophia never got up the nerve to ask her about why Drew had stopped by her place that evening. She told Sabrina about starting a business. Sabrina confided her pregnancy fears, and Sophia listened, pushing her own fears to the back of her mind.

Sophia had a self-defense class to teach at nine the next morning, and then she had to rush over to the spa for several hours of pampering.

Manicures, pedicures, massages, and facials were not something in which she regularly indulged. Hell, she’d never had a pedicure in her life. The last facial and manicure had been a pre-prom gift from her parents. Her last massage had been erotic.

121

As she drove her freshly showered self to the spa the next morning, Sophia found herself wondering what kind of prowess Drew might have in the massage department. His hands were large and strong, with long fingers.

She grew wet just thinking about the things he could do to her. She could be putty in his hands while he relaxed her muscles, slowly making his way to her sopping pussy where those lush, firm lips would take a turn massaging until she screamed. He could make her come repeatedly, and then use her body for his own pleasure.

Sophia gave herself a mental shake. Those thoughts were very submissive, and that wasn’t like her. The whole relationship with Drew wasn’t like her. They were equals in bed, true partners giving one another pleasure and greedily taking their fill. Did she have it in her to give herself over to him?