Have a New Kid by Friday (10 page)

When it comes right down to it, anger is an active choice to control someone else. It’s projecting your thoughts and emotions onto another person in an attempt to change their behavior.

The children above have learned that being angry wins them something. They get attention, they get their way, people feel sorry for them, etc. They are angry because that purposive behavior puts them in the driver’s seat in their home. Without it, they don’t have the control they crave. So they create, in effect, a temper tantrum that says, “Pay attention to me!”

Guess how they learned this behavior? Probably from a parent (usually a mom) who is a people pleaser and likes the oceans of life smooth. In order to keep them that way, she’ll do anything to avoid harsh words. The child is smart enough to know that regardless of age, throwing a temper tantrum will gain him exactly what he wants—everything from sympathy about a hard day to money for a movie to the car keys for the evening. Your child is a skillful manipulator.

How’d he get this way? Such maladies don’t just appear. They fester over time. They start with an 18-month-old who feels misplaced when little sister comes home from the hospital, so he throws a fit to make sure his place is still secure. What do we as parents do? We try to squash the behavior quickly when, in fact, all that child is saying is, “Hey, I feel a little left out here. Will someone pay attention to me?”

What would most parents say in such a situation? “Stop it, Buford! You need to learn to get along with your new little sister. Things aren’t going to be the same around here anymore, and you might as well get used to it.” This sort of statement just ups the ante on the fear and displacement the child is feeling. But what if the parent said, “Come over here, Buford. Are you feeling left out? I know things have changed with having a little sister. But I want you to know that you are just as important to me as you always were. You don’t need to throw a tantrum to get my attention. Just come to me and ask me for a hug, and I’d be happy to give you one.”

Anger isn’t always bad, either. Did you know that you can be
good
and angry? Bad things happen in life, and it’s okay to be angry about things that are unjust. Like the teacher who doesn’t believe your daughter didn’t cheat on her exam and gives her an F. Or the coach who thinks your son was the prankster who removed the tires from his car and refuses to let him play for the big game. If your children were innocent and wrongly framed, they have every right to be angry.

So being angry in itself isn’t right or wrong; it’s
how
the anger is handled that is right or wrong. What should you do when your child explodes in anger?

Imagine that you have a balloon in front of you. Each time you get angry, you blow those bad feelings into the balloon. If no pressure is released after a while, the balloon will pop. But if you let a bit of air out, little by little, the balloon stays malleable, with no threat of it breaking.

That’s the goal with children: to teach them how to handle anger. If children talk about what bothers them, it’s like releasing the air out of the balloon. So give your children opportunities to talk about what is bothering them. Begin with open-ended statements: “You seem upset.” “I can tell by your face that something’s bothering you.” “I’m ready to listen if you want to talk.”

When the child finally does talk, it may be a terrible sound, like the squawk air makes when it comes out of the balloon. But remember your end goal: to keep your child malleable and less brittle.

Teach your child to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. For example: “I feel like you don’t respect me when you do this” instead of “You diss me all the time.” Or “I feel angry when my sister goes into my room and plays with my things when she knows I don’t want her to” instead of “She’s such a jerk. She knows I don’t want her to play with my things and she does anyway.” Talking in “I” terms focuses on how your child feels about what’s happening rather than pointing an accusing finger at someone else. This method models how to talk things out rather than strike out. It also works extremely well in solving sibling rivalry. (See also “Sibling Rivalry.”)

Attending Your Place of Worship

“Jeri always went to church with us with no complaints. But the Sunday after she turned 15, she said she was sick. The Sunday after that she claimed she was sick again. By the third Sunday she simply told me that she wasn’t going to my stuffy old church anymore. That the only kids who went there were geeks and weirdos, and she didn’t want to be pegged like them. Jeri’s always been such a good kid. What went wrong?”

“When I remarried, I became a dad to Christopher, who was 13.He made it clear right off the bat that (1) he didn’t need a father, and (2) there was no way he was going to spend a day at some old church when he could be at the beach nearby with his buddies. I know he’s been through a lot of changes in the last couple years and his friends are really important, but it’s important to me for us to go as a family to church. Should I push the issue and make him go? Or will that make him hate not only me but God? Should I just give him some time and hope it works out?”

There’s a wonderful saying: “The family who goes to church together stays together.” However, what that saying didn’t add was, “. . . unless the teenagers in the family are kicking and screaming about going—in which case the family staying together is loud and not all that fun.”

Far too many parents tread on their teenagers’ feelings on this issue and ramp up this situation until it becomes a war. But before you get hot about what you
think
I’m going to say, hear me out.

First of all, don’t deny your child’s feelings. Let’s be honest. There
are
a lot of geeks and weirdos in churches (after all, churches are made up of human beings, and we all have our quirks—some of us more than others). So if your child points out that the majority of kids in the youth group are weird, then tell the truth: “You’re right. They are weird.” By telling the truth and agreeing with your child, you’ll: (1) surprise your child and get her to pay attention to your next words, and (2) get on the same playing field as your child, where you’re seeing eye to eye.

What you say next is crucial: “Your mother and I only ask you to do a few basic things, and one of the things we expect you to do is go to our place of worship.” Before the child opens her mouth again, say, “We know you don’t want to be there, but we want you to know how thankful we are that you are willing to come with us out of respect for us. There are many things we as parents do for you that we don’t really like to do. But we do them anyway out of respect for you. So please get ready for church.”

Depending on the personality of your child, that may sway her into coming with you. But no matter what you say, some kids will throw these words in your face: “I’m will throw these not going.”

If that happens, don’t make a federal case out of it. Simply get ready for church and leave.

“What?” you’re saying. “But, Dr. Leman—”

Let me finish. After church, do one thing different: don’t come home. Make a day of it somewhere. Go out for dinner after church, go to a park or enjoy some shopping after that, see a movie. . . . In other words, take your jolly good time coming home. When you walk in after 5:00 that afternoon and your teenage son says, “Where the heck have you been?” simply say, “Church.”

“But church is over at noon,” he argues. “It’s 5:15. When are we going to get some food around here? I’m starving!”

Simply rub your full stomach and say, “Food? Don’t even mention that. The strawberry pie topped it off. . . .”

If your child continues to refuse to go to church the next week, do the same thing again. Make a day of it without the child. Then, after making your point, talk to him straight: “Frank, I realize you’re an individual, and we’re not all the same. You don’t have to believe what I believe. I can’t make you go to church. But I want to make it clear to you that I expect you to be with us next Sunday. Is that understood?”

All of a sudden the person in authority has changed, and your son is no longer in the driver’s seat. In many cases, this is all the tough love that’s needed. The next Sunday he’ll be out in the car, ready to go.

Sometimes, though, a teen will still absolutely refuse to go, even after you’ve tried the previous steps of tough love. So you as a parent have a choice. You could:

1. Let him stay home in bed like a slug, shrug, forget about it, and not raise your blood pressure.

2. Let him stay home but assign him extra work to be done around the house since he now has idle time.

Of the two options, I’d definitely choose having him do some extra work while you’re gone. Every family member needs to contribute.And part of that contribution is doing certain things together.If your teen decides he doesn’t want to contribute in that way, ramp up what he needs to contribute in another area, even if it’s something he’s not crazy about. It’s like the day the john backed up at my house. We all pitched in to clean up the mess because that was what life required of us. It wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t fun, but we did it as a family.

Don’t let your child get off scot-free just because he doesn’t “feel like” being a part of your family. Either he goes with you to your place of worship, or he pulls extra duty in another area of responsibility. (And here’s a secret: because at the heart of every child is a longing to belong and be accepted, it won’t be long, after using this technique, that your child will begin to feel lonely and want to be a part of the family again—including attending your place of worship.)

Attention Seeking

“Last week we had my new boss and his wife over for dinner. We put our 8-year-old, Charlie, in bed, and I went to the kitchen to prepare dessert. Five minutes later I heard a heart-stopping crash from the living room. Charlie had sailed down our stair railing—something he knows he’s never supposed to do—and landed smack in the middle of a table that has our Tiffany lamp on it. The lamp shattered in a bunch of pieces, and Charlie cut his hand. Instead of serving dessert, we ended up taking Charlie to the ER to get his hand stitched up. What would possess him to do that, when he’d never done anything like that before? I was shocked.”

“Our 3-year-old twins, Kylie and Kari, always act extra silly and talk nonstop when my girlfriends come over to the house. I can never get a word in edgewise with my adult friends. It’s like the Kylie and Kari entertainment hour.”

“I was so mad yesterday. I just happened to be at the kitchen door when I saw Isaiah, my 7-year-old, bowl his 2-year-old sister over
on purpose
.”

“My daughter Annie wears really short miniskirts, and her T-shirts are way too tight. I swear she does it just to drive me crazy because she always gives me ‘the eye’ and waits for my reaction before she flounces out the door. It’s like she’s trying to prove that she’s a big girl and can choose her own clothing. I don’t get it. We’ve never fought about clothing, what she can wear or can’t wear. But for the past year, ever since I went back to work, it feels like she’s been trying to pick fights. I want my old girl back.”

All children crave attention, and they will do just about anything to get it. If they don’t get enough positive reinforcement from parents, they will seek attention through negative behaviors, doing things they know drive their parents crazy.

Charlie hated being left out and wanted his parents’ attention, so he sailed right into the middle of the party. Kylie and Kari didn’t leave the party; they simply decided to stay in the center of attention and let the world revolve around them. Annie created the attention by picking fights—wearing clothes she knew her mother would hate.

Some children demand that adults pay attention to them. They’re the comedians, the entertainers, the crisis creators. They go out of their way to be noticed. I was that kind of kid, so I totally understand. (Oh, the things I put my mother through!)

How can you, as a parent, respond to such a kid? When younger children use negative behavior to get your attention, say, “I see you need extra attention today, don’t you?” Such a comment generally takes the fun out of the behavior, which means the child isn’t as likely to do it again. Then say to the child, “Honey, I’d be more than happy to give you attention. Do you want me to just sit and look at you? Would that be enough?

Or do you want me to take time to read you a story and play with you for a while? I love you, and I can tell you need extra attention right now. But just so you know, I saw you push your little sister over. Was that part of your need for attention? If so, you don’t need to push your sister over to get it. If you need a hug or a kiss, just come and tell me that, and I’m happy to do it.”