Have a New Kid by Friday (14 page)

But here’s the important part. If your child is truly sorry, you need to allow him to move on. In other words, don’t be a bone digger. We parents have the tendency to go back and whack our kids over the head with something they’ve done earlier. We love to constantly remind them of their failure so they’ll be “good.”

As embarrassing as it is to be the parent of a bully, keep in mind that, as a parent, you’ll face lots of crises. Your job is to deal with them as best you can, then move on. Training children takes time. They’ll make mistakes. You’ll make mistakes. Remember the democratic society rule? “If you have a right to put me down, I have a right to put you down.” This can be a hard cycle to break if you continually bring up the wrong things your child has done. By addressing bullying behavior and demanding immediate emotional restitution, you and your child can move on with life.

If your child is the one being bullied, report the behavior immediately to the child’s teacher. If the teacher doesn’t give you specific feedback, such as, “Thank you for letting me know. I will be on top of this and watching for it. Let your child know to come immediately to me if she feels threatened,” then you haven’t been heard and the teacher doesn’t consider bullying behavior serious. The next step is to go to the principal. You cannot take bullying lightly, nor can you take the “wait and see” approach. Too many children get the tar beaten out of them by bullies. Although their physical wounds may heal, their emotions may not. Bullies don’t stop easily, so you have to be vigilant. You have to put safeguards in the system to stop bullying behavior. The playground monitor, the teacher, the principal, and both sets of parents must be aware of the behavior and that it must stop.

In short, bullies and bullying should never be treated lightly.

Carelessness with Money

“Every time Timothy gets money, he seems to lose it. So he’s always asking for more.”

“As soon as Jan gets money from her grandma, she spends it. And it’s usually on things that I think are really—uh, how else can I say this?—stupid. How can I teach her the value of money?”

Let me ask you a question: where do your children get their money? If you haven’t yet read the section on allowances, now’s the time to do so.

If you started your child on an allowance at 5 years old and he seems to always be losing his money, perhaps he’s too young to have an allowance. Maybe you should wait until he’s 7 and can keep better track of his money. Every child is unique—and that includes the rate at which their level of responsibility grows.

But let’s say your child loses his allowance the first week you give it to him. What should you do? The number 1 rule is: don’t replace it. When you’re at a 7-Eleven and he wants a Slurpee, say, “Sure, you can buy one with your allowance if you want.”

“Uh, I don’t know where my money is,” he says.

Your response? “When you find your allowance, bring it with you next time we come, and you can buy a Slurpee.”

Think that kid will keep better track of his money?

If your child tends to spend money carelessly—always buying whatever he wants at the moment rather than saving up for something special—simply let reality be the teacher. When your son wants that new bike, say, “Sure, Jeff, you can buy that with your money.” And when he gets that crestfallen look, knowing he’s spent all his money on things that have already been eaten or discarded or broken, don’t rescue him. When your daughter gets her ears pierced and wants to get diamond studs for her “new look,” don’t fall for her “Please, Mom!” If you let her save her money, you can bet she’ll take much better care of those diamond studs.

Cell Phones

“But, Dad, all my friends have them!”

“When Jason started playing football in junior high, we got him a cell phone. That way I knew I could work in the office until he called me from the locker room to say he was done. By the time he took a shower, I was there to pick him up.”

Cell phone or no cell phone? At what age should you consider getting a child a cell phone?

You see it everywhere these days: kids walking down the street and even into school, talking on their cell phones. The other day I walked into my daughter’s school and saw a first grader talking on a cell phone . . . and it wasn’t a pretend one either.

When our daughter Lauren was 14, she really wanted a cell phone. All her friends had one. So Sande cut her a deal that she’d get her one for her birthday in the summer if she continued to do well at school.

I’m not crazy about younger children having cell phones. Children don’t need them and can’t use them during school (at least in most schools). Yet 6- and 8-year-olds have them. That’s crazy! In most cases it’s only a vanity thing (“hey, look at me”). In my book, children should be at least 15 years of age—close to getting a driver’s permit or license—before considering getting them a cell phone. On the other hand, if my son or daughter was driving a vehicle or out by himself or herself, I’d be the first one in line to buy a cell phone for safety reasons.

If your child begs for a cell phone, consider these things:

1. Does she really need a cell phone to contact you? Or is it just to be “cool”?

2. How responsible is your child? Will she keep track of the cell phone or leave it somewhere?

3. Who is going to pay for the cell phone? If it’s your child’s, she should pay for not only the cell phone itself (that will tell you how badly she wants it, if it has to come out of “her” money) but also the monthly bill when she racks up too many charges texting her friends. If she needs to call you, you could pay for the flat rate but never for any charges beyond that. If she doesn’t pay the bill, the cell phone is discontinued.

4. Having a cell phone encourages even more telephone time with friends. Is your child doing well in school? Is she getting her homework done? Is she a responsible family member, helping out when things are needed?

A cell phone should be a perk, not a given. With it comes extra responsibility.

Cheating

“I was shocked when I got a note from Kent’s teacher. She had given him an F on his biology exam because she caught him cheating with his cell phone. When I asked him if it was true, he admitted it. At least he was honest about that!”

Well, they say confession is good for the soul, so here goes. I would still be in Latin 1 if it weren’t for a guy named Carl Maahs. When it came to exam time, I simply said, “Hey, Maahs, would you lower your left shoulder?” If not for his kind gesture, I’d still be in that class. I was taking it as a sophomore in high school, and I’d already flunked it twice.

Then there was my sociology class when I was a freshman in college. Some unnamed woman, God bless her, had a very natural slouch. That slouch helped me pass my final exam. During that class, we’d studied the Dobu Zuni and Kwakiutl Indians. Our teacher was one of those deep thinkers talking to the babbling brook. He might as well have been speaking in Arabic for all the good it did me.

Let’s be honest. Everyone has cheated sometime. So when a child is caught cheating, it’s good to come alongside her and establish what I call equality. Tell your child, “Hey, I’ve been there. There have been times in my life when I’ve cheated too. All I can tell you is that it doesn’t make you feel good after the fact, and you end up paying for it. Sometimes you pay for it by having someone flunk you in their course or sue you for plagiarism. It’s just not worth it. ”

It’s also important to own up to your own feelings about the matter. “Honey, I’m disappointed in what you did. I wish you wouldn’t have done it.” Note that there is a big difference between saying you’re disappointed in
what they did
and saying you’re disappointed in
who they are
. Your child needs to know that you love him no matter what—but sometimes you don’t like what he does.

If a child repeatedly cheats, the smart thing for a parent to do is to put the ball back in the school administration’s court. Let them pronounce a just sentence on your son or daughter. My experience has been that when a stranger or someone outside the family administers discipline, it usually carries a little more weight . . . and fear.

Cheating is a molehill, not a mountain—unless it’s a repeated behavior. The smart parent doesn’t hold a onetime event like cheating over their child’s head. Just address it and move on.

Chores

“Ah, Mom, do I
have
to?”

“I’m so sick of doing all the work around here.”

Every household has tasks that need to get done, and every family member needs to pitch in and help. That means everyone from the youngest child to the oldest child to the parents. There are a lot of things young children can do, such as setting the table, washing the dishes, putting in a load of laundry, gathering garbage, sweeping off the porch, washing the car, taking care of pets. As children get older, they can help with more advanced tasks, such as cutting the lawn, running to the store for groceries, changing oil in the car, researching places on the computer to go for a family vacation, etc.

Every child will forget every once in a while. When a child forgets, it’s not a mountain, so don’t make it one. Simply say, “Honey, I know you must have hurried off to school because you forgot to walk the dog. I saw that Rosie was doing the potty dance, so I took her out myself.” Much of the time, the child will respond, “Oh, thanks, Mom. I did forget. I’m so sorry!” and that’s the end of it. The next day he’ll remember.

But if forgetting to walk the dog becomes a constant thing, you need to do something different to get your child’s attention. The best thing I’ve found is to hit the child financially in the pocketbook. There are no warnings, no threats, no whining, no fighting. Simply pay someone else (or yourself, if there is no one else) for doing that task, then deduct the money from the child’s allowance. Your message will get across, loud and clear. Family—and what the family needs to get done—must come first.

This mom’s action reaped swift results:

“Jason is supposed to take the garbage out every week. When he didn’t do it for the third week in a row, my girlfriend gave me an idea that she used with her teenage son to get the point across. She collected all the garbage from the house and outside garbage cans and put it in her son’s room after he’d left for school. She closed his bedroom door and left the stinky garbage in his room all day. By the time he came home, it smelled really rank in there. I tried the same thing with Jason. Hey, a desperate mom’s gotta do what she’s gotta do! He got the picture, especially when his girlfriend just happened to walk home with him after school that day. That was 6 months ago, and since then he
always
remembers Monday is trash day. He’s usually up a little early to get it out the door. When Jason found out I meant business, he stopped complaining about other things I asked him to do too.”