Have a New Kid by Friday (16 page)

“Do we
have
to take her to the mall with us? She’s so embarrassing.”

“She took my sweater without asking. And now she can’t find it.”

“I hate that teacher. She’s so unfair.”

A long time ago, when I was assistant dean of students at a university, two secretaries complained nonstop to me about each other. Finally, I got tired of it. The next time one secretary complained about the other, I walked her, arm in arm, to that secretary’s desk. It nipped the complaining in the bud and took away all the angles. It forced those two women to handle their skirmishes themselves, instead of involving others.

Another time I received a call from a student’s parents. They were very upset because their son had phoned them about something he felt wasn’t fair. So I said thank you, then called the student into my office.

“How’s school going?” I asked.

“Great.”

“Your social life?”

“Your social “Fine.”

“Your classes?”

“They’re fine.”

Kids will always complain—about their brother, sister, other parent, teacher. In fact, children
love
to whine and complain about someone else.

What they don’t like to do is to confront the other person. So if your child complains, guide him toward the source of the complaint.

“Well, that’s interesting, because the reason you’re here in my office is that I got a call from your mom and dad.”

The student shifted in his seat. “Oh, don’t worry about that. I just wasn’t in a good mood last night. . . .”

Do you think that student was likely to call his folks anymore to blow off steam, knowing he could end up in my office again?

Not likely. He was forced to own up to his words.

Let’s say your son comes in and complains about his older brother. The responsible parent will say, “Listen, did you talk to your brother about that?” Chances are the child will say no. Then take him by the hand, lead him to his brother, and say, “Tell your brother how you feel.”

When I was in high school, when students got into a skirmish, the administrator would give them boxing gloves, take them to the gym, say, “Let me know when you’re through,” and walk out the door. But I never heard of anyone actually fighting. A couple of times I got collared and was brought to the gym. I never fought with anyone.

There was no “You started it” or “No, you did.” No one even bothered to point the finger of blame.

Such an action—putting two skirmishers together—will take the wind out of your child’s sails . . . or, more like it, take the sails out of your child’s wind.

Kids will blow about one thing or another. It’s a given. But if you guide your child toward the source of his complaint, you’ll often end the complaining quickly, without involving yourself any further.

Curfew

“My daughter is 16 and starting to hang out with guys. What curfew should I set?”

“Ryan ignores every curfew we ever set and comes home whenever he feels like it. I sit home by the window and worry until he gets home. My husband just gets mad and raises the roof once Ryan does get home about how irresponsible he is. Nothing seems to work.”

Some states and cities have curfews, but, frankly, curfews don’t make a lot of sense. Sande and I have raised 5 children, and we have never pronounced a certain “magic hour” when the children had to be off the streets and home. Instead, we’ve always put the ball back in their court. As soon as a teen is driving, she had better be responsible; otherwise she shouldn’t be driving. (By the way, driver’s education is good for teens, and it also saves Mom and Dad money for insurance.)

So when a child says, “Dad, what time do you want me to be home?” instead of giving a curfew—“You better be home by 10 p.m. or else”—say, “Be home at a reasonable hour.” This makes your teen think through his decision and be accountable for the time he chooses to come home.

Give your child the benefit of a doubt until he proves you wrong. If you have a 16- or 17-year-old who comes home at 4 a.m., I’d say that would be the last time he could borrow the car. In such a situation, you would say, “Coming home at 4 a.m. shows me that you don’t have good judgment. I’m not interested in lending my car, which I’m responsible for and is registered in my name and insured with my money, to someone who comes home at 4 a.m. Let’s cool it with the driving for a while and revisit this in 3 months.”

It may feel good to you as a parent to say these things, and it’s wise for you to take this tactic, but it also costs you. As soon as you uphold this important standard, you’ve impinged on your own life. That 16-year-old can no longer drive himself places. That means Mom or Dad will have to drive him.

But guess what? Parenting
is
an inconvenience. There are no two ways around it. You love your children, but sometimes—be honest—they are a pain in the neck (and other places too).

When you allow a child a 1- to 3-month time-out on driving, you’re sending a strong message about how lucky he was to be driving the family car—and what he’ll need to be doing differently next time. It’s a lesson not easily forgotten.

Children will misuse their freedom sometimes, but the important thing is to keep the ball in their court so they are growing in responsibility and toward a healthy adulthood.

So don’t set a curfew. Instead, say, “Be home at a reasonable hour.” Chances are, when you do so, your child will be home even earlier than you expect.

When our daughter Lauren went to a birthday party in eighth grade, I asked her when the party was over.

“There’s no end time,” she said, “just a start time. When do I need to be home?”

I threw the ball back into her court. “What do you think is reasonable?”

“Eleven o’clock,” she said. Interestingly, she phoned right at 11:00 from a girlfriend’s cell phone to say that she was on her way home. Did I tell her she had to? No. She did all that herself.

When Sande and I used this technique, our three older children—Holly, Krissy, and Kevin—came up with their own rules regarding the family car. Holly, our firstborn, was the one who started the rules. Sande and I had to laugh—her rules were stricter than ours would ever be!

Children need to know that driving is a privilege—not a right—as a family member. And coming home at a responsible hour without being told is an important part of the road to becoming a responsible adult.

Defiance/Purposeful Disobedience

“He looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘NO!’ at the top of his lungs.”

“I told her she couldn’t go to a movie with her friends. She sneaked out her window and went anyway.”

“He’s always facing off with me when his father is out of town. He knows better than to do it when his father is home.”

Defiance is a mountain—a very big mountain—if you don’t conquer it. And the earlier you climb it in your child’s life, the better.

Let’s say your 3-year-old defiantly stomps his foot and says, “No!” What is he doing? He’s challenging you to the nth degree. He has absolutely dug in, and he’s not going to do what you’ve asked him to do.If spanking is compatible with your family values, this is indeed the time for a good swat on your kid’s tail, combined with a stern look that says you mean business. This look needs to say, “This is what I expect you to do, and I expect you to do it now.” With a younger child, consistency of expectation and follow-through wins the battle. And a period of isolation and think time about his actions is also effective in changing the defiant behavior.

If your older child (age 10 and up) is purposefully defiant, then you have a much larger problem. You have a son or daughter you cannot trust.

What’s the answer? What works best with defiance is—all of a sudden, without warning—giving the child vitamin N (No) at every turn.

Child: “We gotta go. It’s time for basketball practice.”

Parent: “No, you’re not going. I’m not going to drive you.”

Child: “Can I have 10 bucks?”

Parent: “No.”

Child: “Can I go to Jack’s house?”

Parent: “No.”

Here’s what’s interesting and why this method works so well. These are always things you’ve let that child do in the past. Now, suddenly, you are not letting her do anything. Sooner or later (and usually sooner) the child wants to know why not. “What’s the deal? You
always
let me do that.”

How should you respond? Bamboozle the kid. “Why not?” you ask. “Why don’t you spend a few minutes in your room thinking about why not? When you come to the conclusion about why you think I said it, I’d be happy to talk to you.”

Then remove yourself from the proximity of the child so she doesn’t have the opportunity to try to argue and raise your blood pressure.

Most children, when left to themselves, will come up with the reason and will say, “I’m sorry.”

But that’s when you have to stick to your guns without shooting yourself in the foot. An apology from the child doesn’t change the fact that she goes nowhere for the day.

Now, tomorrow? That’s a new day, and it should have a new chance.

But for the lesson to stick, the child needs to feel the consequences of defiant behavior. Sometimes it means you suffer too (not being able to go to an event you wanted to go to). However, letting a child do her activity that day, after saying I’m sorry, means she hasn’t learned anything (other than to continue manipulating you). And neither have you.

Disrupting in the Classroom

You know this kid. He seems to make it a goal to disrupt the classroom. He’s the one who sets off smoke bombs in the garbage can under the teacher’s desk. He’s the one who gets out of his desk in the middle of class and starts crawling toward the door like a snake. He’s the one with his hand always up, ready to contribute something witty to make the other children laugh. He’s the one who simply can’t sit still. He’s the one that students roll their eyes at, but he always succeeds in being the entertainer.