Have a New Kid by Friday (6 page)

Let’s say you’ve asked your 8-year-old son to mow the lawn, and it’s clearly not mowed. Two hours later your son wants to go to the pet store to get the fish you promised him. If your son is 16, he’d probably want to head to his buddy’s to shoot pool. He wouldn’t care about the pet fish. But no matter what the activity is, simply say, “We’re not going.” Then turn your back and walk away.

If your child follows you, don’t announce your strategy. It works better if the child has to figure it out for himself. It comes down to this: seeing the changes you want implemented is more about
you
than it is about your child. It’s more about you changing
your
Attitude, Behavior, and Character than him changing his Attitude, Behavior, and Character.

Here’s a caveat: when you start applying these techniques, often Attitudes and Behaviors will get worse for a time. But that’s actually good news—it means you’re on the right track!

The most important thing is that you use consistent action, not words. You don’t embarrass the child on purpose; you correct the behavior. You keep the tennis ball of responsibility in his court, not yours. There is no harassing, no threatening, no warning. There’s no reminding, no coaxing. There are no put-downs, because no one wins with put-downs. In today’s democratic society, if you have the right to put me down, guess what right I have? No one wins in such a situation. Your relationship breaks down. But as you work together on Attitude, Behavior, and Character, you can work your way toward a relationship that’s mutually satisfying.

Your principle of “Let reality be the teacher” really hit home. I’ve been rescuing my young-adult son for far too long, I’m embarrassed to say. No more being a wuss. I’m starting today.

Hank, New Hampshire

I felt like a failure as a parent for over 7 years. Often at night I wondered if I should ever have become a parent. Why was I so frustrated all the time? Then my husband and I started to homeschool this past year (not a smart plan when you’re already frustrated with your kids), and I knew for sure I was a failure. Our house was completely chaotic. Then I found your principles. They have transformed our home. I can never express how thankful I am for the wise instruction, humor, and down-to-earth reality. My 2 children are still far from perfect angels; in fact, some days they do still resemble “hedonistic little suckers,” to quote you, but the ankle-biter battalion has come a long, long way. Thank you, thank you.

Laura, Nova Scotia

It’s been a week since I started applying your parenting principles, and my home is a completely different place. My 4 kids, who wouldn’t give me the time of day unless they were mouthing off, are now respectful. They used to demand that I be their personal chauffeur. Now when they want to go somewhere, they approach me and say, “Uh, Mom? Would it be all right with you if I went to Hannah’s tomorrow? If you could get me there between 6 and 7, I can get a ride home.” That little example, in itself, shows the difference in our home. I’m now a free and appreciated woman.

Maryann, Tennessee

Wednesday

Show Me a Mean Teacher,
and I’ll Show You a Good One
(It’s All in the Perspective)

Take a look down the road a few years.

Who do you want your family to be?

I’ll never forget the day that our firstborn, Holly, came home from eighth grade and talked about Old Lady So-and-so and how mean a teacher she was. She had me picturing a stereotypical librarian (the stern lady with her hair in a bun who shushed you with a finger to her mouth if you made a whisper) or the old schoolmarm who rapped your knuckles with a ruler if you didn’t follow the rules. I imagined her in black-tie shoes with a one-inch heel—the kind my teacher used to wear.

Then I met Holly’s teacher. She was a 24-year-old hottie, 2 years removed from her bachelor’s degree. I couldn’t help but think,
This
is the old lady Holly talked about? You’ve got to be kidding!

You see, it’s all in the perspective. And perspective changes based on your age and emotional maturity. What doesn’t change is the fact that you have a big job to do and little time in which to do it. As the famous quote says, “Time waits for no man.” Children grow up so fast! How often have you said to your spouse or a friend, “I can’t believe Anna is already 15! Where does the time go?”

Life is speeding by like sand draining through an hourglass. You can’t afford not to take advantage of the time that you have. Sometimes your job will be tedious and boring (like doing the laundry and ironing the same clothes over and over). Other times the pace will be breakneck, especially when your children are young, are apt to get into danger, or are involved in a lot of activities.

But here’s the important thing to remember: what your children think about you at any one particular moment isn’t necessarily what they will think about you for life. If you are calm, you are consistent, and you always do what you say you’re going to, you will earn their respect and trust. But it won’t happen with a snap of your fingers.

Taking the Long View

Take a look down the road 5, 10, 15, 20 years. Who do you want your child to be? What do you want her work ethic to look like? What about the way she views herself? Her relationships with others? Your relationship with her?

Bestselling author and business consultant Stephen Covey has a great perspective. If you want something, start with that end in mind, he says.

In other words, if you want your child to be kind, teach your child to be kind now. If you want your child to be a responsible adult, teach him responsibility now. If you want your child to enjoy spending time with you, start now in setting aside nonpressured time to spend with her instead of getting caught up in the rat race of constant activity.

Do you think the parents wanted or planned for these situations?

• Henry is 17 and just went into drug rehab.

• Miranda was arrested for shoplifting and spent a night in jail.

• Tony bit another child and was kicked out of kindergarten.

• Amanda went thrill riding on a friend’s motorcycle, and both of them ended up in the morgue. They were trying to dash between two cars, and they lost the race.

• Keri is 15 and weighs only 88 pounds. She has struggled with anorexia for the past 2 years.

• Jason, who is 21, lost his third job for back talking his supervisor.

Did these situations “just happen”? Or did little things happen along the way that led to these bigger things? Here’s what these parents said as they looked back:

“Henry was the kind of kid who always overdid everything. We caught him smoking a joint with a friend when he was 11, but he just shrugged off our concern. He gave me the old, ‘But Dad, I was just curious. I won’t do it again.’ Dumb me, I believed him. I should have followed up. Now I know that he kept smoking marijuana, then moved to meth. I thought he was saving up money for a car. He was using the money from his job for drugs.”

“We never confronted Miranda when she took things from her sister’s room. When I found out she took 20 bucks from my purse, I let it go because she said that she needed to pick up some things at the store. But I should have pursued it.”

“Tony was an out-of-control 2-year-old, but I thought it was just because he was 2. You know, the terrible twos thing. I figured he’d grow out of it. But then he proceeded into the independent threes and threw even more fits. Two of our babysitters quit. I should have had a clue that something major was wrong. But I just figured they were pushovers. Now I realize it was me who was the pushover. I gave him everything he wanted. When he ran into someone who wouldn’t, he just bit them. He’d bitten the babysitters too.”

“Amanda was always a free spirit and really social. Everybody liked her. She had lots of friends. But when she was a junior in high school, her friends changed. They were more of the partying, thrill-seeker type. I figured it was just a phase and Amanda would get over it.”

“Keri has always been concerned about the way she looks. When she was 9, she was a little chubby. A favorite uncle commented to her about seeing her ‘big fat belly’ in her swimsuit when we were at the pool one day. After that, she made a lot of comments about how fat she was. She started eating less at meals and ate a lot of veggies. I thought it was a good turn—eating veggies is good for you, right? Then she hit 11 and really slimmed down. She looked great. When she started getting thinner, I just figured she was going through a growth phase (you know—kids puff out, then get tall and skinny, then gain weight and grow taller again). It wasn’t until a friend mentioned that she thought Keri had a problem that I talked to her about it. Keri has been in counseling and a program for anorexics for the past 2 years, but it is a hard battle to fight. Even though she’s terribly thin, she always sees a fat person in the mirror. I wish I would have paid attention to the little things along the way.”

If you want your child to be a healthy, well-adjusted adult, you need to realize just how important you are in the picture. Your child needs not only your attention but also a relationship with you.

What Kind of Parent Are You?

So often I hear people say, “I never wanted to be like my parents. I hated the way they parented. But then I open my mouth and sound just like them. And I act like it too.” This just goes to show that what parents model sticks—and sticks well. That’s because every child wants to please his parent. Every child longs for parental approval and can’t stand it when he doesn’t get it. There’s nothing worse than knowing you’ve disappointed your parent. If that disapproval is continual, the child will rebel—the old “oh, yeah? Forget you” syndrome.

There are three types of parents, and who you are as a parent has a lot to do with the way your child responds to you. I’ve talked about this in depth in other books (
Making Children Mind
without Losing Yours
is a great resource for this topic), so I’ll just summarize here.

“Buford, have you chosen to go to bed yet?”

Do you want to make sure your child never fails? Are you continually doing things for your child that he could do for himself? Are you your child’s best friend at every turn? Do you find it hard or impossible to say no to him? Are you always cajoling him into doing something? Promising a reward if he does what you ask?

A permissive parent:

• Is a slave to the child.

• Places the priority on the child, not on his or her spouse.

• Robs the child of self-respect and self-esteem by doing things for her that the child can do for herself.

• Provides the child with the “Disneyland” experience; makes things as easy as possible—does homework for the child, answers for her, and so on.

• Invites rebellion with inconsistent parenting.

Does this sound like you?

“You go to bed right NOW!”

Are you always right? Do you bark out orders to your kid and threaten him with warnings if he doesn’t immediately do what you say? Do you tell him how to do life in no uncertain terms?

An authoritarian parent:

• Makes all decisions for the child.

• Uses reward and punishment to
control
the child’s behavior.

• Sees himself as
better than
the child.

• Runs the home with an iron hand; grants little freedom to the child.

Does this sound like you?

“Let me know when you’ve brushed your teeth, and I’ll
come tuck you in.”

Do you ask your children the facts about a situation and what they think about it before you jump to conclusions? Do you give them age-appropriate choices? Do you look out for their welfare, yet allow them to experience the consequences of their behaviors?

An authoritative or responsible parent:

• Gives the child choices and formulates guidelines with him.

• Provides the child with decision-making opportunities.

• Develops consistent, loving discipline.

• Holds the child accountable.

• Lets reality be the teacher.

• Conveys respect, self-worth, and love to the child and therefore enhances the child’s self-esteem.
³

You as the parent are in the position to leave an indelible mark on your child. And you do it often without even being aware of it. The truth is, both extremes (permissive and authoritarian) will cause children to rebel. With a permissive parent, there are no guidelines, and children flounder. With the authoritarian parent, everything is heavy-handed. The wise parent finds the middle ground.

Let’s say you are sitting down for dinner, and your child isn’t crazy about your food choice of pork chops.

The permissive parent would say, “Oh, honey, do you want a cheeseburger instead? I’ll get up right now and make it.” (While your spouse is looking at his pork chop and wondering what’s wrong with it.)

The authoritarian parent would say, “Eat it. Pork chops are good for you. And you better clean your plate.”

The authoritative parent would say, “I know pork chops aren’t your favorite, but that’s what I made for dinner tonight. If you want to make yourself something else afterward, that’s fine. But thanks for sitting with us at dinner anyway. Dinner as a family is important.”