Have a New Kid by Friday (4 page)

Millie, North Carolina

I attended your seminar about changing a child’s behavior last week, and it was even more powerful than I realized! My week has been so peaceful and easy with my 3 kids (14, 8, and 6)! My children have responded wonderfully. And I’ve changed too. Not only am I setting limits for them, I’m doing it with compassion. No yelling at all, and for me that is just too wonderful not to let you know.

Delighted in Georgia

I love listening to you—especially your humor and personal stories (like the one about hawking a gob out the window and your son copying you). They make me laugh. But they also helped my wife and me come to a very important decision. I had just lost my job and didn’t see anything on the horizon in our immediate area. My wife has had a job and loved it for years. So now I’m a stay-at-home dad for our son . . . and loving every minute of it. It’s the best decision we ever made, and it saved us a lot in day-care costs too.

Stephen, Michigan

I’ve cried, I’ve prayed, I’ve thrown up my hands, but nothing worked . . . until now. Your “B doesn’t happen until A is completed” has turned around my relationship with my children. The first three days I used the principle I felt terrible, because I wasn’t used to being consistent on anything. But when I saw the changes in just three days, that spurred me on to finish the job. I now can take my 2 toddlers to my girlfriends’ without fear of embarrassment or having to listen to them scream. My 3-year-old walked up to me and asked yesterday, “Mom, may we have a snack?” This coming from the girl who would have ordered me a week ago, “Get me a snack!” It
works
! It’s the answer to my prayers.

Kendra, Texas

Tuesday

Disarming the Dude (or Dudette) with the ’Tude

Want a kid with real character who isn’t a character?

Here’s how.

My wife, Sande, always prayed for a man with character. And she got a character all right. Me.

That’s what many children are today—characters. Perhaps that’s why numerous studies show that the top 3 long-term concerns of parents have to do with a new kind of ABCs:

• Attitude

• Behavior

• Character

It’s All in the Attitude

Attitude is the entrée into a child’s head and heart. What your child thinks about herself—how she views herself and what happens to her—speaks loudly through her behavior.

Did you know, Mom and Dad, that one child just
looking
at another sibling can be a criminal offense? Consider these family felonies:

• “He
looked
at me!”

• “She wore my jacket and ripped it—on purpose!”

• “You never yell at him. He gets away with
everything.”

• “How come she gets to go? You never let me go.”

• “Hey! How come her piece is bigger?”

Attitude can speak loudly—even if your child says nothing. Attitude screams in the “silent treatment.” You know what I’m talking about.

A negative attitude shows itself through many behaviors: the rolling of eyes, talking back, stubbornness, poor manners, being a know-it-all, whining, the “me, me, me” syndrome, defiance, throwing a tantrum, choosing not to cooperate with family members, showing disrespect, etc.

But where does attitude come from?

Who Do You Butt Heads With?

If you have more than one child, you know that all the little foxes in the den can be completely different. Some children will be easygoing by nature; others will be wired for sound.

Who do you butt heads with the most in your family? Is that child the most like you or the least like you?

The answer, in all probability, is the child who is the
most
like you. Kids who sport attitudes have parents who sport attitudes. Attitudes are caught, not taught.

Sometimes the parents don’t even know they are sporting an attitude. But what you think reveals itself in your actions toward your child. So if you have a “This is what’s best for you, and this is what you’re gonna do—and God help you if you don’t” attitude, you’re just asking to butt heads with any child who has a strong temperament. He will arch his back even at 18 months old. He’ll be resistant to your hovering.

The key to changing your child is changing your attitude.

Let’s say you give your child a simple request: “Please take out the garbage.” “I’m busy,” your child throws back in your face and proceeds to read her novel.

Ask yourself,
What would I usually do in this situation?

If the kid is 6 years old, you could probably physically force her to do it. If the child is 10, you may get a little more forceful with your words. You repeat your command, a little more loudly. “I
said
, take out the garbage.
Now
.”

“I don’t want to.”

What happens next? Your angry attitude kicks in.
Just who
does this kid think she is, anyway? After everything I do for her,
how dare she?

You raise your voice more. “Young lady, I said to do it NOW, and you’re going to do it NOW! Or else . . .”

Your daughter doesn’t even look up from her book. Why? Because she’s heard your threats before, and they don’t go anywhere.

But what if your attitude changed? What if you remained calm?

What if you didn’t pester her further after you’d asked her once?

What if you just walked away and expected her to do it? No reminders, no raised voices, no anger on your part.

“But, Dr. Leman, what if she doesn’t do it? I mean, my daughter wouldn’t.”

Simple enough. Just have another sibling do the job, pay him, and take the money for the task out of your daughter’s next allowance. If you do it yourself, pay yourself out of your daughter’s allowance. The point is, someone else is doing the work she should be doing.

What’s next? Your attitude remains calm. You remain in charge. Later she says to you, “Okay, I’m ready to go to the store to get shoes now.”

Your matter-of-fact response? “We’re not going to the store.”

“But, Mo-om, you said you’d take me to the store.”

“I don’t feel like taking you to the store.” Then you turn and walk away.

No guilt. No anger. No explanation. You’re calm and in control.

Just a Phase?

How do you know what’s normal, or “just a phase,” and what’s an attitude to be dealt with?

Almost 100 percent of the time parents
know the difference
between respect and getting dissed, but they choose to ignore it. Why would someone do that? Because many parents today want to be their child’s friend. But this never works in the long run.

If your adolescent daughter says to you, “Mom, that outfit looks kinda dumb. Are you sure you want to wear it?” her attitude will show in the way she says those words.

If your 2-year-old gets in your face and screams, “I don’t want to!” it’s not about the “terrible twos.” It’s about attitude, and he’s testing you to see how much you’ll put up with.

So don’t fall for the “just a phase” thinking. You know your child. You know when he is being rude and disrespectful and when he is simply asking a question to understand. It’s clearly all in the body language and the tone of voice.

When you launch out with this new method of “Say it once; turn your back on your child; walk away,” let your child work for the answer a little bit. Don’t just tell him why you’re changing your behavior. Let him figure out, sooner or later, that your new, consistent behavior has something to do with the big chip of attitude he’s carrying on his shoulder.

In the meantime, take a look at your own attitude. Is your attitude escaping, even when your words are pleasant? It’s kind of like what a wife might say to her husband: “Oh, honey, you can go ahead and play golf, and I’ll stay here with your
mother
.” The words might be pleasant on the surface, but what’s the attitude behind them? Translation: “I hope you have a stinking, rotten time. How dare you leave me with your mother! You’re a chump! And I hope you lose your 9 iron!”

Your attitude has everything to do with how you live your life. It has everything to do with how you behave. And it has everything to do with the character you develop.

How loudly is your attitude speaking?

It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Act . . . or Is It?

You’ve seen it. You’ve experienced it in your own home. Hitting. Spitting. Interruptions when you’re on the phone. Sibling rivalry. Punching holes in walls. Stomping out of the room. Slamming doors. Screaming. Bed-wetting. Fights in the car. Fights regarding curfew. Fights over messy rooms. Purposeful disobedience. Put-downs. Struggles over getting up on time for school. Struggles over eating. Kids who don’t stay in bed but pop out like the Energizer Bunny. Carelessness with money. Lying. Not completing a project.

Did you know that behavior is learned? And that children will model their behavior after the things they see you say and do?

Think how many times you’ve said, “I’m never going to do what my father did to me. I’ll never speak to my kids the way my mother did to me.” Then you find yourself using the same words
and
the same inflection your parents did.

Think about that little “white lie” you told your boss: “I’m not feeling very well today. I think I need a day to rest.” And then you took the kids to the beach.

Or what about the time you promised your children that you’d take them out for ice cream . . . then you got busy with work and didn’t get home until they were already in bed?

That’s what I mean. Your attitude can’t help but slip out through your behavior, and children are always watching. That means if you want to see your child change, you have to change yourself. If you yell when you get angry, should it surprise you when your 7-year-old does it? If you give others the silent treatment, should it surprise you if your 13-year-old isn’t talking? Do you break your promises? If so, you need to start honoring your promises—or not making them in the first place. My personal view is that you should never promise your children anything. Promising them is saying that (1) your car will never break down, (2) every day will go exactly as you’ve planned it, (3) you are perfect, and (4) it won’t rain.

Misbehavior is going to happen. Kids are kids. Just accept the fact that they will say and do the dumbest and most embarrassing things you can imagine. I’ll never forget what our pediatrician told us when we had Holly, our firstborn. “You have to safety-proof your house because kids are really dumb when it comes to putting things in their mouths.” Kids will pull a dog’s tail and get bit, they’ll play in electrical outlets, they’ll run into the street, they’ll stick a finger in their sister’s eye, they’ll barf all over the place when they get sick—just as you’re getting ready for a big evening.

The problem comes when we, as parents,
ask
for the behavior. We expect it. What happens just before you walk into a public place? Let’s say you’re going to the grocery store. What do you say to the kids? “Remember, no fighting. Keep your hands to yourself. And if you don’t, there won’t be any treats for you. Mom just needs to get a couple things, then we’ll go home.”

What are you saying? “Kids, I expect you to misbehave, and you better not.” You’re actually teaching your kids to make trouble.

That’s why so many children can be perfect angels with Grandma but turn into little devils when they get home to Mama. Why do they misbehave around you? Because you expect them to, and the only way they can get attention from you is by misbehaving!