Have a New Kid by Friday (3 page)

5. At what level is this child’s behavior—stage 1 (attention getting) or stage 2 (revenge)?

6. What do you think these parents should do?

One family who was struggling with the behavior of their son told me all the activities he was involved in. Other than school, that young man had something every single night of the week, and he was only 10! My advice to the parents was, “Cut the extracurricular activities. All of them. Instead of taking your son to counseling, stay home and spend time together. The behavior you are seeing is because your son wants and needs your attention. He’s desperate for your attention. And no coach is going to replace the role you have as parents in the life of your child.”

When your child is acting up or acting out, what is he really saying? “Pay attention to me, please!”

If you don’t pay attention to your child in the right way (we’ll talk more about that in the “Thursday” chapter), your child ups the ante to the next level: revenge. “I feel hurt by life, so I have a right to strike out at others, including you.” If your child is at this level, you really need this book. Many children who proceed to the revenge stage are headed toward the beginning of a rap sheet.

Power Struggles

When you choose to do battle with your children, you’ll never win. You have much more to lose than they do. Your teenage daughter couldn’t care less if her shirt is too tight, but you care, and she knows it. So what is she implying as she flounces down the stairs, dramatically crosses the kitchen, and bounces out of the door with a backward look? “I dare you to say anything!”

You’ll never win in a power struggle, so don’t go there. Instead I’ll teach you a different way, a better way. A way in which you can establish your authority in the home.

Creatures of Habit

There was a classic study done in which researchers conditioned pigeons to peck 3 times in order to receive their reward, a pellet of food. Then, after the birds were trained, the researchers changed the reinforcement schedule. Birds got a pellet every 97 pecks, then every 140 pecks, then every 14 pecks. Those pigeons were so confused, they didn’t know what to do. They had learned their behaviorso well that they continued, day after day, to peck 3 times to get their food.

Children, like pigeons, are creatures of habit. If you don’t believe that statement, just try leaving out one thing in your bedtime routine as you’re tucking your child in. Listen to what happens: “Uh, Mommy, you forgot to rub my cheek. You always rub my cheek.” Remember Matthew, who was used to the routine of milk and cookies after preschool? It was only when his routine was broken that he was ready to listen to his mother and learn to behave differently.

Children learn a behavior, then keep pecking at it to get their reward. That’s why those of you who have younger children will have an easier time—your pigeons have had less time to peck for the reward. If you have a child 12 years old or older, he has had a lot more time to peck for those pellets. It will require more effort on your part. But you can still do it by Friday if you stick to your guns. If you want your child to be responsible, I’ll show you how to get there. If you want him to be teachable and listen, I’llshow you how to get there. It’s what you both deserve.

So how do you effect change in your relationship with your child? You retrain your pigeon. You use consistency and follow-through to make your point, never wavering from the goal.

How Does It Work?

Let’s say your child wants McDonald’s at the mall, but you don’t have money for McDonald’s. He pitches an all-out flailing temper tantrum, and you’re terribly embarrassed. What do you do?

“Mark, we’re not getting McDonald’s.”

Then you turn your back on your child and walk away.

“But, Dr. Leman, wait right there,” some of you are saying. “You don’t mean you should leave a 6-year-old alone at a mall, do you? How could you just walk away?”

Ah, but here’s the key. Your child doesn’t want you to go away. He won’t allow you to get very far. He just wants to do battle with you. He wants to win.

As soon as that child takes a look at your retreating back in the crowd, all of a sudden his fit isn’t so fun anymore. Winning the battle isn’t so important anymore. Finding and following Mommy—his safety zone—is.

Let’s say you see your 3-year-old purposefully knock over his 18-month-old sister, who’s just learning how to walk. Are you angry? Of course. That was downright mean, and you’re not going to stand for it. Not to mention the fact that 18-month-old Caroline is now crying. But first you take a breath and think through your strategy. Then you call Andy over to you.

“Andy, do you need some attention today? If you need a hug, all you have to do is say so. Just come on over and ask me for a hug. You don’t have to push your sister over to get it. That kind of behavior is not acceptable.”

You took the fun out of that behavior by naming the purposive nature of the behavior for the child. By doing so, the child knows that you know exactly what happened and why he did what he did. You’re the one in control, not him. He doesn’t have a reason to do it the next time.

Let’s say your teenager throws you some choice words because you’re having chicken for dinner—again—and she says she hates chicken (even though a week ago she asked to have it). When it’s time for her to go to Miranda’s to “study,” you say, “We’re not going to Miranda’s.” Then you turn your back, walk away into the next room, and start folding clothes.

Just like that 4-year-old who wanted his milk and cookies, your 14-year-old will pursue you. “What do you mean we’re not going to Miranda’s? You always take me to Miranda’s on Tuesdays.”

“We’re not going to Miranda’s because I don’t appreciate the way you talked to me earlier.”

You turn your back and walk away. No matter what pleading, what tantrum, what apology happens, you don’t take her to Miranda’s. She has to be the one to explain to Miranda why she can’t come. Of course, she might present a different take on the situation than you would, but what does that matter? You’ve made your point, and your daughter will think through her words more carefully the next time.

If you want your child to take you seriously, say your words once. Only once. If you say it more than once, you’re implying, “I think you’re so stupid that you’re not going to get it the first time, so let me tell you again.” Is that respectful of your child?

Once you’ve said it, turn your back. Expect your words to be heeded. There’s no peeking over your shoulder to see if the child is doing what you say. There’s no backtalk, no argument. You’ve said your words calmly, and they’re over.

Then you walk away and get busy doing something else.

Will your children be mad? Shocked? Confused? Will you have a few days of hassle? Oh yes!

But let me ask you something. How do you feel after you get into a skirmish with your child? Angry? Bad? Guilty? Do you yell and then beat yourself up the rest of the afternoon for doing so? Do you “should” yourself (“I should have done this; I should have done that”)? Are you the pigeon running through the maze, trying to get the reward of making your kids happy? Do you really want to live like that?

How do you deal with your 16-year-old when you discover a
Penthouse
magazine under his bed? With your 2-year-old who kicks you in the stomach when she’s riding in a cart at the grocery store? (I once had a child kick me at a restaurant, and I didn’t even know the kid. Talk about an embarrassed parent.) How do you handle the “I hate you/I love you” every-other-minute switches in your adolescent? The phone call from the principal letting you know your fun-loving son went a little too far this time?

What’s normal (or is there normal?) and to be expected? What should you major on and what should you let go? In the next chapter, we’ll talk about the 3 things most important to parents nationwide: Attitude, Behavior, and Character.

Remember, children are like pigeons. They need to work a bit for their rewards. Because they are creatures of habit, they need consistency and follow-through or they’ll get lost in the maze. They also need to know they don’t have free reign to run all over that maze and still expect a reward at the end of it.

Suppose you and I went through life following our feelings for the next 30 days. We said exactly what we thought, did what we wanted, didn’t do what we didn’t want to do. What would life be like at the end of those 30 days? A mess! We wouldn’t have a job because we would have dissed our boss. Our friends would have said, “Forget you.” And someone would have shot us on the expressway.

Today’s children need guidance. They need accountability. They need to be taught that there are consequences for their actions (or for their inaction). Otherwise their lives will run amok.

The other day, when my daughter and I were at the airport, we watched 3-year-old twins slugging each other. What was Mom doing? Talking on her cell phone. What was Dad doing? Reading the newspaper. I told my daughter jokingly, “Those are the kind of kids who will make your dad a wealthy man.”

Parent, it’s time for you to step up and be a parent. Your child needs to know that you mean business—what you say is what you will do. You are not to be dissed, and if you are, there will be consequences. Immediate consequences. And you will not be talked out of giving them.

Critics will say, “But won’t you make your child feel bad and guilty?” I hope so! It’s important to have a little guilt in life. And feeling bad can accomplish a heap of good.

Just wait and see.

Uh-oh, caught me. But I’m sure glad you did. I thought I was such a great mom. My parents were so authoritarian that I said I’d never be like them. I didn’t realize that I’d gone the entirely opposite way. I hardly ever say no to my kids. I’ve been running ragged just to make them happy, and they’re still not happy. Everybody tells me how much I’m doing and what a great mom I am for doing all this stuff, but I know the truth: I have a hard time standing up for myself. No more. A week ago I adopted your principles of “Say it once, turn your back, and walk away.” They really, really work. I’m stunned. My son willingly took out the garbage yesterday, even without me asking him, and my daughter brought bread home from the store just because she noticed we were low. I can’t believe the change!