Have a New Kid by Friday (5 page)

How could things go so wrong? Take a little trip back in time. Remember when you first found out your little cherub would be in your life? Maybe you were blessed with 2 births in 18 months. Here’s what’s interesting. Even though Americans are supposedly the most educated people in the world, most of us fly by the seat of our pants when it comes to parenting. We follow our parents’ example.

So if you grew up in a home that was a “don’t touch that, you’ll get hurt” kind of home, you’ll be overly cautious with your own kids. You’ll be constantly telling your children no.

If you grew up with an abusive parent, you’ll find yourself yelling and lifting your hand to your child.

If you grew up with parents who gave you the silent look for discipline, you’ll find yourself giving the same look to your child.

But after a while, the words and the looks no longer work if there is no consistency, no follow-through, no consequences. Then a chasm develops between parent and child that can follow them for years into the future.

When your children are giving you a run for your money, it’s always important to ask yourself three questions that will help you view the behavior in the most helpful light:

For help on specific topics, look up the behavior and what to do about it in the section “Ask Dr. Leman.”

We parents so want our children to be perfect (like us, of course) that we are masters at making mountains out of molehills. “But, Dr. Leman,” you ask, “how can I know for sure which thing is a mountain and which is a molehill?”

Try out your skills at deciding with the “Mountain or Molehill?” quiz.

Every child will fail, make mistakes, and embarrass you. But you don’t need to hold those failures over your child’s head for a lifetime. Correct the behavior and move on. What is most important, in the long run, is your child’s character.

Character Is #1

Character is what really counts. It’s who you are when no one is looking.

Character is caught from those you grow up with, namely your parents. It’s also taught through life lessons. The action-oriented discipline I’m prescribing in this book will go a long way toward helping a child save his character. Good character can be reinforced in a very natural, positive way: “I’m so glad you helped that girl. You saw she really needed help, and you helped her.” Negative character traits need to be dealt with: “I overheard you talking to your brother. What you said was unkind. You were being a bully. That is not acceptable in our home. You need to apologize to your brother immediately.”

Part of being human means realizing how imperfect you are. Having character doesn’t mean you are perfect. It means you have an inner standard that cares about others more than yourself. Sadly, character is lacking in contemporary America. Surveys say that most people admit they would cheat to get ahead, and they wouldn’t necessarily feel bad about it. High school students and college students are cheating in bigger numbers each year.

When I was an assistant dean of students at the University of Arizona, a Chinese student was caught in an immoral situation. I was the one who had to handle the case. Frankly, I felt sorry for the kid. The circumstances revealed made me fairly sure the kid had been in the wrong place at the wrong time and really wasn’t a Peeping Tom, but he had been charged with that crime. So I gave him the name of an attorney whom the university hired to help students, and I encouraged the student to call him. That student was so ashamed that he phoned the attorney from a phone booth at 8 a.m. the next morning. When the attorney finally got around to returning the student’s call at 5 p.m. that afternoon, the student was still waiting at the phone booth. The outside temperature that day was close to 100 degrees.

That student stuck out physical discomfort because the worst thing he could do was shame his family. He was a smart kid, an A student. A person of character caught in a tough situation. And his character won out in the end.

What happens these days when movie stars get into trouble? When they get caught driving drunk or beating someone to a pulp? Their publicist releases a warm-fuzzy apology: “Oh, he’s so sorry. He’s checking himself into rehab. . . .” But does the behavior really change?

If someone is truly a person of character, they will go to the person they have wronged, offer a heartfelt apology, and ask what they can do to make things right.

Is your child respectful of you, of others in the family and outside the family—including teachers—and of your faith? Does your child have good phone manners? Does she tell the truth? Is she self-motivated to do homework (or does she wait for you to jump-start her)? Does he care about being on time? Is she bothered when others cheat on a test, or does that seem she bothered when others cheat on a test, “normal” to her? Is he a “gimme gimme” child who has a Christmas list the length of the expressway? Is your child kind? Does he stick up for others smaller or weaker than himself on the playground, or is he the bully? Is she respectful of her older sister’s special things? Does your child take your no for a no or push until he gets what he wants? Does she use language that your grandmother would have approved of? Is he the kind of young man you would hire to work for your company?

Character is not only everything, it’s the only thing in the long run. It is the foundation for your attitude and behavior.

3 Simple Strategies for Success

If you want your child to have a respectful, kind Attitude, to have Behavior that you’ll want to write your grandma about, and to have Character that reveals itself as trueblue even when you aren’t watching, follow these 3 simple strategies for success.

1. Let reality be the teacher.

Reality discipline is a term I coined in 1984. Basically it means to let nature take its course. And when nature doesn’t take care of the problem, you help nature along. Don’t rescue your kids from the consequences of failed responsibility.

If your son is supposed to do a project for chemistry and doesn’t complete it, don’t stay up until midnight doing it yourself. In fact, don’t do anything about it at all. Don’t even mention it. Just wait for reality to hit when he stands in front of his stern chemistry teacher, who tells your son in no uncertain terms what he thinks of incomplete projects.

If your little girl goes into her older sister’s room and gets into her makeup, don’t intervene in the situation and help her clean it up before her sister gets home. Unless she thinks to clean it up herself, don’t bother. Just wait to see what her older sister is going to say, and let the two of them work it out.

Parents have a tendency to rub their child’s nose in what he does wrong. In most cases, letting reality be the teacher is enough discipline in itself.

There’s also a tendency to be a bone digger—digging up the situation long after it’s over and hitting your child over the head with the “bone.” Just remember, you’ve done wrong things and have been forgiven. How would you feel if someone kept reminding you of your failures?

2. Learn to respond rather than react.

Parents are good at shooting themselves in the foot. Often we react instead of respond. Our emotions get the better of us, and we speak or act without thinking first.

What’s the difference between responding and reacting? If the doctor says, “You responded to your medication,” that’s good. If the doctor says, “You reacted to your medication,” that’s bad. While you’re driving, your little girl says out of the blue, “Mommy, I want a pony.”

“What?” you say. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. There’s no way we could get a pony! We live in a two-bedroom apartment in Baltimore. And we’re barely making ends meet. There’s no way we could afford a pony. Are you out of your mind?”

That’s reacting. Answering without thinking in the situation.

This is responding: “Oh, a pony.” (Pause, to show you’re dreaming and thinking about it too.) “Can you imagine having your own pony? Getting up in the morning, saddling him, and riding to school as the other kids walk to school? Can you imagine waving to those kids as you go by? I can see the pony now. He’s black and white. Wow, wouldn’t that be cool? At lunchtime, all the kids would go to the cafeteria, but you’d go outside and check on your horse first. . . .”

Sure, you live in a two-bedroom apartment in Baltimore. But why shoot your child’s dream out of the water? Your child will eventually realize that a pony wouldn’t fit in your home.

There’s a way to stick to your guns without shooting yourself, or your children, in the foot. Instead of reacting, respond by saying, “Tell me more about that.”

3. B doesn’t happen until A is completed.

You never have to change this strategy. It works every time, with every age. If you’ve asked your child to do something and it’s not done, you don’t go on to the next event—no matter what that event is.