Healing Rain (22 page)

“You don't want me to,” he said with a hint of anger in his voice.

“Yes, I do,” I insisted, even though I was filled with fear. He obviously wasn't going to be as accepting as Aiden had been.

“Is there anything else I need to know?” he asked with clenched teeth.

I thought carefully, trying to think of any other lie I had ever told him in the time I had known him. One thing popped into my mind, and even though it was petty compared to everything else I had just told him, I decided to come out with it. “Yes. I don't drink. You got me a drink at Logan Johnson's party and I took it, but I didn't drink it. I just held it so it would look like I was drinking and then you wouldn't ask me why I didn't drink. It was incredibly pathetic – just more evidence that I wasn't strong enough to be myself.”

There was further silence. He squinted as though he was putting his thoughts together. “First of all,” he finally began, still not looking at me, “I'm really sorry to hear all that about your dad and everything you and your family have been through. That's terrible.” He paused, and when he spoke again, his voice was cold. “But, I don't know if I can move forward after all the lying. I'm really disappointed that you thought you couldn't tell me. I thought we had a better relationship than that. I can't believe you had this whole other relationship with someone that I didn't even know about. I don't know if I can ever trust you again.”

The strangest feeling came over my body. It was as if someone drained it of everything – every bone and muscle, every emotion. I felt lifeless. I couldn't move my arms or legs; I couldn't even make my mouth move to respond. At that moment, I wasn't even sure if I was still breathing.

Looking back, I don't know what I was expecting him to say. Did I really think that if I gave him my sob story he would just say, “That's okay, Rain. I still love you and want to be with you. I don't care that you were hiding things from me and lying to me on a regular basis”? I don't really know how I thought he would handle it, but I wasn't prepared for the response I got. Frozen I stood as I tried to process what had just happened.

It was Ethan who brought me out of my trance. “You should go,” he said firmly, and my legs obeyed. I walked out of his house slowly, not looking at him as I left.

Somehow, I managed to get into the car and drive all the way back to our apartment, even though I'm not sure how. I don't remember anything about the drive. I have no idea if I obeyed the road signs. No clue what was on the radio. No awareness of what I was thinking about. I do know that I pulled into the parking lot and shut off the car before I allowed myself to cry. I didn't bawl hysterically; I simply cried softly in my hands for about ten minutes. Then, I forced myself to get out of the car and head upstairs to our apartment.

My mom was still waiting up, even though she was half asleep on the couch. She heard me as soon as I walked in the door. “How did it go, kiddo?” she asked.

I looked at her, and I didn't have to say a word. She knew just by looking at me. “Come here,” she commanded, and I did. I sat down on the couch with her and put my head in her lap, letting her stroke my hair for a long time before I drifted off to sleep.

 

 

“Ugh! That was terrifying!” I squealed as I ran out of my cheerleading tryout. Anna and Alexis jumped up from their seats at one of the cafeteria tables as I approached them.

“How do you think you did?” Anna asked with sparkling eyes.

“Did you nail everything?” Alexis asked with a glare.

“I think I did fine, and I didn't mess up on anything,” I responded to both of them.

“Good,” breathed Alexis with relief. “Now we just sit and wait.”

“When will we find out?” I asked, looking around the room at the other girls who were sitting around in anticipation. Only one girl waited to tryout after I finished, so it was almost over.

“Um, probably in just a little while. They'll just have to tally the scores,” Anna explained.

My heart raced in my chest. “You guys, I'm so nervous!” I said as I clutched both of their arms. “What if I don't make it? After all the work you've put in with me…”

“You
will
make it,” Alexis interrupted. “You were definitely the best all week during the practices. As long as you were perfect, I'm sure you got it.”

“Oh, so I just had to be perfect? Well, that's no big deal. Good thing that comes easily to me,” I said sarcastically as I rolled my eyes at her.

She made a face at me. “You know what I meant. I'm sure you breezed through it.”

Anna nodded enthusiastically. “I'm sure you were awesome, Rain!”

I watched the double doors of the gym as the last girl came sprinting out. Tryouts had officially ended – all we had to do was wait. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered even faster, and I suddenly needed a distraction to calm me down. “Guys, talk to me. I'm freaking out!”

Alexis laughed. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Anything,” I said desperately.

“How are things with Ethan?” she asked as she looked at me closely.

I groaned. “I meant anything but
that
.”

She shook her head. “You guys still haven't talked at all? What's it been, like two weeks now?”

“A week and a half,” I corrected. “And no, we still haven't talked. He obviously doesn't want anything to do with me. He completely avoids me.”

Anna frowned in concern. “Then he's an idiot,” she said matter-of-factly.

“I could have told you that in the first place,” Alexis said as she nudged my elbow playfully. “Who can we set you up with?”

“No one,” I said quickly. “I'm okay by myself.” And I really was. Though I didn't like the way things were between me and Ethan, I still had a sense of peace within myself. Tyler and I had attended Aiden's church over the weekend and immediately felt at home there. Reading and studying my Bible became a daily ritual again, and much of my day was spent talking to God – not just asking for guidance, but thanking Him for my wonderful mother and brother and for not giving up on me when I gave up on Him. With His help, I was figuring out who I was, and I knew I didn't need Ethan or anyone else for that.

Anna smiled triumphantly. “Yeah! We don't need boyfriends to feel good about ourselves!”

I raised my eyebrows. “Oh yeah, Anna?”

Alexis continued my thought. “Is that why you've been hanging out with Steve the Drummer so much lately?”

Anna blushed. “We're just friends,” she said in an unconvincing voice. She and Steve had met when I took her and Alexis to go hear Aiden's band practice the weekend before. They were working on some new material, so Aiden invited us over to give our opinions. I even got to play a song with them on the guitar, which was unbelievably exhilarating, even though I messed up multiple times and knew I had a lot of work to do before I would actually be
good
.

Anyway, while they were taking a break, Anna and Steve started talking. She was completely giggly the entire way home and had pretty much stayed that way ever since. I had spotted him outside our class at the end of first hour a couple of times, waiting to walk her to her next class. She could put up the girl-power act all she wanted, but I could tell she definitely had a crush.

“Yeah, right. Just friends who are going to see a movie tomorrow night?” Alexis blurted out.

I turned to Anna with big eyes and punched her lightly on the arm. “You guys have a date?” I squealed. “Why didn't you tell me?”

She laughed. “I was totally going to, but he just asked me right after school and I wanted you to focus on the tryout. I was going to tell you later.”

“That's so exciting!” I said as I squeezed her shoulder. “Steve is such a good guy. Hey, maybe you could come to church with us on Sunday. Steve and Aiden both go there, and the preacher is just incredible.”

“Yeah, I might,” Anna said shyly. “I haven't been to church much before. My mom usually takes me on Christmas, but that's about it. But the way Steve talks about it, I feel like I've been missing out on something.”

“That's great, Anna. I'd love to have you there with me.” It was music to my ears, hearing Anna consider coming to church. I knew how much God could do and wanted Anna to experience His love the way I did.

I then turned to Alexis. “What are you doing tomorrow night? Maybe we could do something. Like tag along on Anna's date,” I said teasingly.

Alexis put her head down. “I kind of…I have plans.”

“What kind of plans?” I asked curiously.

She sighed. “I don't want to tell you,” she mumbled.

Anna nudged her. “Just tell her. She won't be mad.”

I felt a pain in my stomach. “What, Alexis? Now you have to tell me.”

“I…” she hesitated, looking at Anna and back at the floor. “Promise you won't get mad.”

“I promise I won't get mad. Unless it makes me mad,” I said in a joking tone, but I was serious. If she told me she was going to hang out with Ethan, I was seriously going to attack her right in the middle of the cafeteria.

Anna shook her head firmly. “It won't. Just tell her.”

A slow smile spread over Alexis' face. “I'm sort of…I'm going to see Caged Lion with Aiden.”

I stared at her for a moment, and then I burst out laughing. I don't know why I found that so funny, but at that moment, it was the best news I could have possibly received.

“What?” she demanded, putting her hand on her hip. “Why is that funny?”

“It's not,” I said between breaths, still giggling hysterically. “I'm happy for you. Really,” I told her, and I actually meant it.

“We're just going as friends,” she added quickly. “He knows I like the band, and when you guys decided not to go together, I just thought…”

I held up my hand to cut her off. “Alexis, stop. You don't have to explain anything to me. Just go and have fun, okay? And bring me back a T-shirt.”

She laughed. “Will do.”

Despite her “just friends” protest, I suspected that Alexis might have a slight crush on Aiden. When we watched their band practice the weekend before, she was flirting with him in her usual Alexis-style. He had made his feelings clear about Alexis several times in the past, but as I had pointed out to him, you had to get to know her to appreciate her. I was a little satisfied with myself at the thought of the two of them hanging out. Aiden had been a little closed-minded when it came to athletes – particularly cheerleaders, and even more particularly, Alexis. The idea that I had possibly opened his mind to a new group of people and helped him eliminate some of the stereotypes he had built in his head made me feel proud.

True, I loved Caged Lion and would have given my left arm to see them in concert, but I felt it would be wrong to take the ticket from Aiden. We were rebuilding our friendship from the ground up, and I didn't want to do anything to jinx how well it was going up to this point. Going to a concert alone together just seemed too much like a date, and I wanted to avoid anything that might be confusing.

About that time, Coach Franklin came into the cafeteria. “I need all the girls who tried out to come into the gym,” she announced in a serious tone. Anna and Alexis each squeezed my hand as I got up from the table and walked into the gym. A rush of energy shot through my body as my stomach leapt up into my throat. I entered the gym with the other thirteen girls who had tried out against me. They all looked as nervous as I felt.

“Have a seat,” Coach Franklin directed, pointing us to the bleachers. Once we were all seated together, she continued, “I just want to thank you girls for trying out. You all did an excellent job, and this was a difficult decision. The person who won only beat the person in second by a couple of points. Our judges' job was not easy.” She paused, and my legs began to shake. “With that said, I would like to announce that the newest member of the squad is…Rain Sawyer. Rain, welcome to the squad. You can all go home now; have a great weekend.”

I didn't even comprehend exactly what she had just said until Anna and Alexis, who had apparently been listening outside the door, burst into the gym with huge smiles on their faces. They stood in the doorway, bouncing together excitedly, waiting on me to join them. I tried not to act too thrilled as I walked down the bleachers with the rest of the girls who looked absolutely crushed, but I couldn't help the huge smile that had spread on my face. After skipping over to Anna and Alexis, I grabbed their hands, waiting on the other girls to trudge slowly out of the gym.

Once the three of us were alone in the gym, I let my emotions take over. “Ahhhhh!” I screamed as I started jumping up and down, and they joined me in my screams and laughter.

“I told you you would make it!” Alexis shouted.

“We're gonna have so much fun, Rain!” Anna squeaked.

I couldn't say much between the laughter and tears that were coming to my eyes. “I'm such a dork for crying,” I said, “but I don't even care! I'm just so happy!”

Both girls laughed. “Come on, let's go get some dinner to celebrate,” Anna said, pulling us both out of the gym and into the cafeteria to head out to the parking lot.

I stopped them both just inside the cafeteria. “Hey, guys, I just wanted to say thanks for all your help. I couldn't have done this without either of you.”

“No problem, Rain,” Anna said with a smile.

“We really didn't help much. You're really good,” Alexis told me.

I grabbed them both and hugged them, and we all started squealing again. “Okay, I'm becoming one of those girls I hate,” I said as I pulled away from them. “Let's go before I make myself throw up from all this huggy stuff.”

Laughing, we turned to walk toward the doors, arm in arm. We were discussing where we could go for dinner when I suddenly froze. Anna and Alexis both stopped and looked at me, and then followed my deer-in-headlights gaze to see what had made me stop. Anna sucked in her breath as Alexis mumbled, “Oh boy.”

We stared at Ethan for quite some time as he stood just inside the front door, staring back at us. For a while, no one moved or spoke. Though I had seen him at school over the last week and a half, it was always from a distance and surrounded by all the other students. I hadn't met him in such an intimate setting yet.

It was Ethan who finally stepped forward. He cleared his throat, and then said softly, “Rain, could we talk for a minute?”

All I could do was nod. Anna and Alexis let go of my arms and gave me quick smiles. “We'll be waiting outside,” Anna whispered.

When they were gone, it was only Ethan and me standing in the cafeteria. Neither of us spoke for at least thirty seconds, which felt like an eternity. Eventually, Ethan smiled a little. “Congratulations on cheerleading,” he said.

“So you heard. Thanks,” I replied.

“Yeah. I've been standing here for a while.” He put his hands in his jeans pockets and looked at the ground, wiping an imaginary scuff off the floor with his shoe.

“Why?” I asked quietly. I knew the football players didn't have practice or a game today, so he had no reason to be at the school.

He sighed. “I don't know. I've had a lot on my mind. I just started walking, and I ended up here. I guess I was hoping to talk to you.”

“You were?” I asked, feeling my hopes rise, but I tried to stay guarded. For all I knew, he had come to yell at me again for all of my mistakes. It's not like I didn't deserve it.

“Yeah,” he said. “I just wanted to check up on you. See how everything is going. It's been weird, not talking to you for the past few days.”

“Yeah, it definitely has,” I agreed.

“So, how are you?” He flashed that dimpled grin at me.

I shrugged. “I'm…I'm good, actually. I mean, I'm definitely not happy about the way things ended between us. But I guess I kinda realized that I was getting way too dependent on you for my happiness. I'm learning how to make myself happy, if that makes sense. And I found my faith again, too. I've spent a lot of time with God lately. I owe every ounce of my strength and recovery to Him.”

Ethan nodded. “That's great, Rain. You know, I believe in God, but I honestly can't say I know much about Him and how this whole ‘faith' thing works. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to church. My parents don't go, but my grandma did, and she used to take me sometimes before she died. My grandma was one of the greatest women in the world, and she always told me how important it was to trust in God.”

My heart rate quickened. I was elated to hear him say he
believed
. That was the first step, the
most important
step, to a real relationship with God. “Well, I'd love to help you learn more about it, Ethan. I started going to a church here, and I really like it. You're welcome to come with us anytime you want to.” I took a deep breath, and then added, “Of course, I should tell you up front that I've been going there because Aiden invited me. I don't want you to get the wrong idea about that…”