Heartless (13 page)

Sierra smiled. “I
asked myself the same thing when Trey came back into my life. I wasn’t the same
person after the separation and neither was he. But the one thing that hadn’t
changed was the way we felt about each other. I still loved him and he still
loved me. I suspect the same is true for you and Derek.”

Ashley decided
there was no point trying to hide her feelings from her friends. They’d each
had difficult journeys on the path to finding their soul mate. If anyone would
understand what she was going through, they would.

“I do still love
him, but my kids are still so angry and resentful about what happened when Josh
and I were married. I don’t think they’re ever going to get past that. I keep
asking myself, is it fair to subject Derek to that kind of open hostility for
the rest of his life? Is that a price he’d be willing to pay just to be with
me?”

Lexi set her menu
down on top of her plate. “Based on everything Josh has told me, Jay and Mike
loved Derek back in the day. They respected him. They’re not little kids
anymore, Ash. Given the chance, maybe they could forgive him and begin to forge
the kind of relationship they used to have.”

Nothing would make
her happier than seeing her sons love and respect Derek the way they once had,
but given their current attitude toward him, it was difficult to imagine that
happening any time soon. “I want that, but who knows how long it might take,
assuming it would ever happen. Is it fair to ask Derek to put up with their
B.S. in the meantime?”

Sierra looked her
in the eye. “Is it fair to allow him to go back to Arkansas believing that you
don’t love him anymore?”

Avery chimed in,
fixing her with an intense stare. “Or that you don’t think he’s worth fighting for?
You gave up on him once. Are you really going to make the same mistake again?”

Ashley couldn’t
help but feel her friends were ganging up on her. She’d been counting on their
support. Instead, it seemed they were supporting Derek. “Derek was the one who
chose to move to Arkansas. He left; I didn’t.”

“Did you ever
think about going to Arkansas to see him?” Marisa asked.

She’d thought
about it dozens of times over the years, but she’d never found the courage to
act on it. “I’ve thought about it.”

“We’re moms,”
Marisa said. “We know you’d lay down your life for Jay or Mike without giving
it a second thought, but when do you stop living your life for them? You’ve
been there for them their entire lives. You’re still there for them, but when
do you get a chance at the life you want… the life you deserve?”

Ashley had been
asking herself that question ever since Derek arrived in town. Was she
short-changing herself and Derek, putting Jay and Mike first? Was it fair to
any of them to give her sons that kind of power over her life? “I don’t know
what to do. I don’t want to lose my kids.”

Avery grasped her
hand. “You’re always going to be their mother. Even if they don’t support your
decision, they’re never going to stop loving you.”

She blinked back
the tears welling in her eyes when she thought about how empty her life would
be without them. “Can I get that in writing?”

Sierra squeezed
her other hand. “Hey, you deserve to be happy. Your kids may not get that right
now, but they will, in time. They’ll see how happy you and Derek are together
and they’ll support your decision to be with him.”

Ashley wasn’t
convinced. Jay and Mike were their father’s sons: opinionated, determined, and
relentless. “I don’t know. I want to believe you’re right, but it’s a risk I’m
not sure I’m willing to take.”

“Have you tried
talking to them?” Marisa asked.

She thought about
calling them and asking them to come over so they could clear the air, but she
was afraid of fueling the fire that was already raging. “They overheard
something at the funeral… something that hurt them… disappointed them.”

Lexi looked at her
under the veil of her lashes and Ashley knew that her ex-husband had confided
in his wife about the conversation his sons overheard that day.

There was no sense
keeping the rest of her friends in the dark. “Jay and Mike heard me admit to
their father that I’d been in love with Derek throughout our marriage.”

The women exchanged
a glance before looking down at their plates, obviously at a loss as to how to
respond. Lexi was Josh’s wife. Her loyalty lay with him, first, last, and
always.

Ashley cleared her
throat. “I guess now you understand why they feel I betrayed their father. It
wasn’t just the fact that Derek and I slept together… I was still in love with
him for all those years.”

Sierra shook her
head. “I can’t even imagine how difficult that must have been for you, honey.
When Trey and I reconnected, I was just engaged to another man, and the thought
of committing to him, given the way I felt about Trey, was inconceivable. To
feel the way you did about Derek for so many years… especially when he was a
part of your daily lives… it must have been torture.”

“That’s one word for
it,” Ashley said. “I loved Josh and I loved my kids. I didn’t want to do
anything to hurt them or destroy my family, but I was in love with Derek.”

“I remember the
connection you and Derek had back in college.” Sierra smiled. “It was so
obvious to everyone how much he loved you. There were times when I was a little
jealous.”

“That’s what I
don’t understand,” Avery said. “How the hell did you guys lose that?”

Ashley sighed.
“Sometimes I think if we were more mature, if we knew how to communicate, we would
never have split, but we were so young and inexperienced. He wanted to go out
and have fun with his friends, and I just wanted to be with him. Maybe if we
could have found a way to compromise… if we had realistic expectations of each
other… I don’t know. Maybe we’d still be together.”

“Every
relationship goes through growing pains, Ash,” Avery said. “But with you and
Derek, the decision you made at that time made it impossible for you to work
through them.” She held her hand up when Ashley sought to defend herself. “I’m
not blaming you. I understand why you turned to Josh. He was a friend, he was
there to support you, and he made you feel special at a time when Derek was
making you feel unimportant.”

“Exactly,” Ashley
whispered.

“But maybe you
should’ve tried talking to him about it,” Marisa said. “I can understand why
you made those mistakes back in college, but it seems to me you guys are making
the same mistakes again. You’re shutting down when you should be talking to
each other about how you feel.”

Ashley couldn’t
deny that her friend was right. Whoever said that wisdom comes with age was
obviously much wiser than she was when it came to matters of the heart.

“Not only that,
but you’re turning to someone else to make you feel special when you should be
turning to Derek,” Lexi said.

“Excuse me?”
Ashley asked.

“Bill represents
what Josh did back in the day. He’s the guy to make you feel special because
the guy you really want isn’t giving you what you need.”

Ashley lowered her
head, embarrassed to acknowledge the truth behind that statement.

“Let Bill go,”
Lexi whispered. “That’s the only way you and Derek can begin to find your way
back to each other.”

Ashley nodded. It
was obvious what she had to do. “I will. I’ll tell him tonight.”

“Speaking of
tonight, Josh and I want to have you over to the house for cake and coffee. Jay
and Mike are going to be there. It might give you a chance to talk to them
about Derek,” Lexi said.

Ashley knew she
couldn’t put it off forever. Her sons needed to know that she was finally ready
to take her life back.

Chapter Nine

Derek walked into
his parents’ house and was assailed by the scent of fresh-baked cinnamon rolls.
That aroma always reminded him of Sunday morning breakfast when he was a kid.
His mama would treat them to her famous cinnamon rolls before they left for
church. They were young and innocent back then. Their only concern was who was
going to win the football game that afternoon. Now they had to figure out how a
broken family could begin to heal when they’d lost one of their own.

His mother looked
up from the needlepoint she was working on at the kitchen table when he walked
in. She smiled. “There you are. We haven’t seen much of you these past few
days.”

He wanted to stop
by, but he knew he didn’t have the words to ease their pain. No one did. “Hey,
Mama. What’re ya workin’ on?”

She held the small
piece of fabric at arm’s length. “Just a pillow for the church bake and craft
sale.” She set it down on the table with a heavy sigh. “You know what they say
about idle hands.”

He sat down across
from her. “Does it help… to stay busy, I mean?”

She shrugged. “I
can’t say it does, but the alternative is to curl up in a ball and refuse to
face another day without him. I know he wouldn’t want us to do that.”

“No, he wouldn’t.”
Derek reached for his mama’s hand. “Dave loved you guys so much.”

She rewarded him
with a wobbly smile. “He was a good son. We were so proud of him.”

Derek kissed her
hand. Her skin was a cold, transparent layer covering bones that seemed more
prominent than the last time he held her hand. It reminded him that his parents
weren’t getting any younger. Living in Arkansas, his visits weren’t as frequent
as he would’ve liked. When it was his parents’ turn to leave them, he’d hate to
think he wasted precious time he could’ve spent with them.

“Dave was proud of
you guys too, Mama. He told me all the time. You and Dad taught him the meaning
of hard work, patriotic pride, and most of all, how to be a good husband and
father. I think he was most grateful for that gift.”

She squeezed
Derek’s hand. “I want you to have what Dave found with Christine, honey. You
deserve that.”

Derek shrugged.
His mother had enough to deal with; the last thing he wanted was to add his
problems to hers. “It’ll happen, when the time is right.”

“You can’t wait
for tomorrow. Your brother just reminded us that tomorrow may never come.”

He knew his mother
was right. He couldn’t continue waiting for his life to begin. “I’ve been doin’
a lot of soul searchin’ since I got that call about Dave.”

“And? Have you
come to any conclusions?”

He sighed. He
never talked to his parents about Ashley, though he suspected they knew how he
felt about her. “I let the woman I love marry the wrong man.”

“I know,” she
whispered. “I know that’s why you moved away, because it hurt too much to see
them together.”

His mother’s
insight never ceased to amaze him. She rarely needed him to fill in the blanks
for her. If there was a problem with one of her children, she just knew,
intuitively. “You’re right.”

“But they’re not
together anymore.”

“No, they’re not.
But there are new obstacles in our path now.” He smirked. “I’m beginnin’ to
think maybe it’s just not in the cards for us.”

“If you’re talking
about her children…”

Derek looked up, surprised.
“How’d you know that was the problem?”

She rolled her
eyes. “You could’ve cut the tension with a knife the other day, honey. They’re
hurt and angry. Anyone can see that.”

Derek wouldn’t
burden his mother with the whole story, not when she was still reeling from
Dave’s death. “They have their reasons.”

“I’m sure they do.
They’re both good boys. They love their mama and daddy, and I know how
protective they are. Same way you boys have always been protective of your
daddy and me.”

She was right. Jay
and Mike were reacting the same way he or any of his brothers would have if
anyone tried to create a rift in their family. It helped Derek to see things
from their perspective. His parents had been in love for as long as Derek could
remember. They’d been each other’s strongest support during the difficult
years, but if there had been another man or woman in the picture, trying to
drive a wedge between them, Derek would have despised him or her, the same way
Ashley’s sons resented him.

Derek sighed. “They
were great kids. You don’t know how much I missed them when I left.”

“Did you ever tell
them that?” she asked quietly.

“No. I thought it’d
be best if I kept my distance for a while.”

“Fifteen years is
a hell of a long while.” She looked him in the eye. “You abandoned those boys,
son.”

“I was just tryin’
to give Ash and Josh the space they needed to make their marriage work.”

“I know that, but
we’re not talking about them right now. We’re talking about their kids.”

Derek had never
been able to think about Mike and Jay without thinking about their parents, but
he knew he should have. The relationship he had with them was independent of
the relationship he had with Josh or Ashley. He was their coach, their
godfather, their confidante, their tutor, their friend… God, it killed him to
think what a void he left in their lives when he left without so much as a
good-bye. Their family was falling apart, and they didn’t even have him to talk
to about it.