Heartless (5 page)

He hooked a finger
over his shoulder. “I meant what I said out there, Ash. If you and Derek can
find your way back to each other, I’m all for it.”

She stole a glance
at their sons. Their heads were bowed in conversation and Jay had a nasty scowl
on his face. “I think Jay and Mike might have something to say about that,
don’t you?”

“Look, they’re not
kids anymore. You were a great mother to them while they were growin’ up. They
don’t have the right to expect you to sacrifice your happiness just because
they can’t deal with the man you choose.”

“I don’t want to
do anything to jeopardize my relationship with my kids.” She wrapped her arms
around her midsection. “When they found out what happened between me and Derek,
it created a rift that I thought would never heal. Now that Derek is back, it
just reopens all of those old wounds. It reminds them of what I did, what we
did, to you.”

“Listen to me; we
both know our marriage was over long before you slept with Derek. We were just
goin’ through the motions, for the sake of the kids, for a hell of a long
time.”

The failure of her
marriage was one of her biggest disappointments in life. It still wasn’t easy
for her to acknowledge, even to herself, that it was a union that should never
have happened. “I know that and you know that, but our kids don’t. In their
eyes, you were the victim and Derek and I were the villains.”

Josh rolled his
eyes. “They’re not preteens anymore; their world isn’t that black-and-white.
They’re grown men who know damn well that every situation has shades of gray.”

Ashley sighed. “I
just don’t know that I’m willing to risk rehashing all of this now. We’re
finally in a good place again. I don’t want to jeopardize that.”

He frowned.
“Doesn’t it bother you that they haven’t forgiven Derek for what happened? They
may have given you a pass, but they’re still treatin’ him like their worst
enemy. That’s not right, Ash.”

“You don’t think I
know that? I hate all of this tension between them. I hate that they’re blaming
Derek for something that was just as much my fault as his.”

Josh held one
finger up to indicate to his wife he needed another minute with Ashley.
“There’s plenty of blame to go around here. If I hadn’t married you in the
first place… if I hadn’t been so focused on work… if I’d made more time for
us…” He sighed. “The boys were too young to understand that back then, but
they’re grown men with a few broken hearts behind them now. I have to believe
they’d get it if we tried again to make them understand. Maybe you, me, and
Derek could sit them down, talk to them about what happened back then. We could
make them understand.”

Ashley would
always love and respect her ex-husband. Josh was a generous and forgiving man
and an incredible father, but he was a lousy matchmaker. “I don’t even know why
we’re discussing this. In a few weeks, Derek will be back in Arkansas.”

“What if he’s
not?” Josh looked at her carefully, obviously trying to read her reaction.
“What if he decides to stay in Nashville?”

The miles between
them always created a safe barrier. Without that, she didn’t think she could
trust herself to keep her distance from Derek. “What are you talking about? Did
he tell you he’s considering moving back home?”
Home.
No matter how she
felt about it, Nashville was Derek’s home. He had as much right to be here as
she did, even if it would wreak havoc with her heart.

“I happen to know
he has a pretty sweet job offer waitin’ for him, if he decides to take it.”

“What kind of job
offer?”

Mike had just been
promoted to detective a few short months ago. If Derek joined the force as
Mike’s superior, it would only add tension to an already tumultuous situation.

“He’s gonna have
to tell you about it when, and if, he decides to take it. But I have to tell
you, I want him here, in Nashville, especially now.” He glanced into the
adjoining dining room where most of the McCalls were gathered around the table.
“His family needs him now, and I’m not gonna lie; it would be nice to have my
best friend around again.”

Ashley closed her
eyes. She knew Josh was right. Derek’s family needed him. They needed to know
he was here and he was safe, behind a desk, instead of out in the field,
putting his life on the line every day. As the mother of a cop herself, she
knew how difficult it was to go to sleep with the knowledge that you could be
awakened by a call telling you your son was gone, lost to a madman wielding a
gun.

“I don’t know what
you want me to say, Josh. This is Derek’s life. It’s his decision.”

Josh tipped her
chin with his index finger, forcing her to look him in the eye. “I think we
both know that if you asked him to stay, it would influence his decision. Don’t
you think you owe it to his family, him, and yourself to do that?”

She resented being
called out like this, especially by her happily married ex. He couldn’t begin
to understand what she was feeling. “What about my loyalty to my sons? How does
that figure into this?”

Josh let his hands
fall to his sides. “It doesn’t, or at least it shouldn’t. You’ve always been a
good mother—you still are—but they don’t have the right to tell you who to
love. That’s your call.”

She looked at the
floor, refusing to look up into his handsome, smug face. She’d be damned if she’d
admit to him he was right, even though she knew he was. She’d sacrificed her
love life while her sons were growing up because she didn’t want to confuse
them or cause undue stress, but Josh was right. It was her turn to find
happiness.

“That’s easy for
you to say. They love Lexi.”

“They used to love
Derek, too.”

It was too painful
for her to think back to that time. The years with Derek in her home, sharing
her dinner table, playing with her kids, were some of the happiest and most
difficult of her life. She watched him tossing the football with her boys in
the backyard and wondered how different their lives would have been had she
married Derek instead of Josh. Then she’d feel guilty for her errant thoughts
and stow them away in a dark corner of her mind until they resurfaced,
demanding her attention.

“You think I don’t
remember?” She raked her hands through her long hair, scraping her scalp with
her fingernails. “I was the one who had to dry their tears when Derek moved to
Arkansas.” She blinked back the tears. “I knew it was my fault… that I drove him
away because he felt guilty about what happened between us.”

Josh’s eyes
darkened. “Did you feel guilty?”

They hadn’t talked
about this in years, but Derek’s presence seemed to bring everything back to
the surface, as though it happened yesterday instead of fifteen years ago. “You
know I did.”

Josh folded his
arms over his chest. “Why didn’t you just tell me that you were in love with
him… that you wanted to be with him?”

“I couldn’t do
that to you or my kids. Besides, Derek didn’t want that either. He made that
pretty clear when he accepted that job in Arkansas.”

“Is that what you
thought he wanted when you slept with him? Did you think he was going to
encourage you to leave me so you could start a life together?”

She didn’t expect
this conversation to be so painful. Nor did she expect it to happen in the
middle of Derek’s family home on such a solemn occasion. “Yes,” she whispered,
knowing there was no point trying to conceal the truth now.

Josh nodded. “I
knew it. It wasn’t the result of the circumstances, like you said. You hoped
for something like that to happen for months, maybe years.” He glared at her.
“You can’t deny it, can you?”

“I’d be lying if I
said I didn’t have feelings for Derek back then—”

“Were you in love
with him the entire time we were married?”

How could she
possibly answer that question without hurting a man she still loved and
respected? Josh was her friend, the father of her children, but he wasn’t the
love of her life. After all these years, she was finally able to admit that
Derek still held that distinct title. “I don’t know how to answer that.”

“Try a little
honesty. You know what they say… it just might set you free.”

“Fine,” she said,
feeling her anger rising. “Did I love Derek the entire time we were married?
Yes, I did. Are you happy now?”

“That’s real nice,
Mom,” Jay said.

Ashley felt the
blood rush to her head as she turned to face the twin looks of shock and
disappointment on her sons’ faces. “God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t intend for you
to hear that.”

Josh gripped her
shoulders. “Guys, it’s okay. I asked your mom to be honest with me—”

Jay held his hand
up to halt his father’s defense of their mother. “Save it, Dad. I don’t want to
hear it.” He nudged his brother. “Let’s get the hell out of here.”

Mike glared at
Ashley. “You can find your own ride home.” He pointed to the door leading to
the patio. “Why don’t you ask Captain Casanova? I’m sure he’d be happy to give
you a lift, especially if he thought you were willin’ to repay him with sexual
favors.”

Ashley gasped as
Josh reached over her to grab his son by the front of his shirt. “Listen to me.
You disrespect your mother like that again and you and me are gonna have big
problems.”

“Josh, please,
don’t do this here,” she hissed. She could feel the eyes of the other mourners
on them as Josh released his grip on their son. “Can’t we talk about this at
home?”

“We have nothing
to say to you right now,” Jay said, leading his brother away.

“Oh God,” Ashley
whispered, covering her face with her hands. “What have I done? It was bad
enough when they thought I made one stupid mistake, but for them to know that I
was in love with Derek for years, while we were married… They’ll never forgive
me. How can you forgive me?”

Josh pulled her
back against his chest as he kissed the top of her head. “Hey, it was time for
all this to come out. They’ll deal with it; we’ll help them. They just need a
little time.”

“What if they
don’t come around?” She closed her eyes. “What if I lose my sons because of
this?”

Derek was walking
back into the house when he overheard Ashley tell Josh that she’d been in love
with him throughout their marriage. He also heard the ensuing argument with her
kids. It took everything in him not to step in, to jump to Ashley’s defense,
but he knew she would never forgive him if he widened the gap between her and
her boys.

“Hey,” he said
quietly, trying to decide if he should acknowledge that he overheard the
altercation.

Ashley turned to
face him, her blue eyes belying her misery. “I guess you heard that?”

Without thinking
about the consequences or how it might look to onlookers, he reached out and
pulled her into his arms. “I’m sorry, sweetheart.” He stroked her hair. “I hate
that you had to go through that. I know how much they mean to you.”

“I’m the one who
should be apologizing to you,” she whispered as she laid her head on his chest.
“This is a day to mourn your brother, not rehash our sordid past.”

It’s not like he
didn’t think about it every damn day, anyway. Ashley was always with him,
sometimes at the forefront of his mind, sometimes a distant memory, but there
was rarely a day he didn’t think about her. Since he’d learned of his brother’s
passing, he’d been able to think of little else. Dave’s death reminded him that
life was too short to live with regret.

“It’s okay,” he
whispered, stroking her back. “This isn’t your fault. It was bound to happen sooner
or later. We’ve been tryin’ to avoid dealin’ with this for too long.” He was
more than ready to call Jay and Mike out, even if Ashley didn’t agree it was
the best course of action.

Josh gripped
Derek’s shoulder. “Hey, buddy, would you mind takin’ Ash home? Aiden’s got a
baseball game in an hour.”

“Yeah, that’s not
a problem.” He tucked Ashley against his side as he shook his friend’s hand.
“Thanks for comin’, Josh.” He inclined his head toward the patio just beyond
the kitchen. “And for tryin’ to talk some sense into me. Believe me, I heard
everything you said.”

“I hope so.” Josh
smiled as he brushed a tear off of Ashley’s cheek with his thumb. “Hey, they’re
gonna get over this. Trust me.”

She sniffled. “I
hope you’re right. I don’t know what I’ll do if they cut me out of their lives.
I—”

“That’s not gonna
happen.” Josh cut her off. “We’re not gonna let it happen.”

Derek admired and
respected the fact that even though Jay and Mike were grown men now, Josh and
Ashley still worked together, as a team, to present a united front in the face
of conflict. “Josh is right, Ash. We’re gonna figure this thing out.”

She leaned her
head against his shoulder as he wrapped her arm around his waist. “I sure hope
so.”

Josh’s wife
approached their group. “Am I interrupting?”

Ashley brushed her
tears away and smiled. “No, not at all. How are you?”

Lexi frowned. “I
think the better question is, how are you? Mike and Jay looked pretty angry
when they left. Did y’all have a fight?”