Heartless (4 page)

There was one
night, their third year on the job, when they inadvertently interrupted an
armed robbery at a convenience store at one a.m. Josh, in full uniform, was
rounding the corner, approaching the cashier, when the gunman spotted him in
the overhead mirror. Derek realized what was happening a second before it was
too late to stop him from shooting his partner. It was the first time Derek had
ever shot someone, and he would have done it all over again to save his
partner’s life.

“Then what are you
tryin’ to say?”

Josh sighed.
“You’ve proven yourself to everyone, man. You don’t have to do it anymore. Take
a cushy desk job for the next few years. Ride it out ‘til you retire. Start
focusin’ on other areas of your life instead.” He smiled. “There’s more to life
than work, ya know?”

Derek couldn’t
imagine what he would do with his time if he wasn’t working eighty hours a
week. It had been his way of life for as long as he could remember.

“Why do you think
things didn’t work out with Rosanna?”

“Uh, ‘cause she
was a workaholic, too?”

“Sure, she loved
her job, but she wasn’t obsessed with it the way you are.”

He scowled. “How
do you know that?”

“I called one
night when you were at work and we started talkin’. It was a couple of months
before you guys split. She said she thought you were using work to fill some
kind of void in your life, some void she’d never been able to fill.”

Derek laced his
hands on the tabletop. He didn’t like where this was going. He’d only lied to
Josh once before, about his relationship with Ashley. They’d come too far for
him to make the same mistake again, but he didn’t want to reopen old wounds.
She was still his ex-wife, the mother of his children.

“So, is what
Rosanna said true?”

Derek shrugged.
He’d always been one to face his problems head-on, but he was emotionally wrung
out, and avoidance was starting to seem like his safest option. “She obviously
wasn’t the right woman for me. If she was, we’d still be together, right?”

Josh looked at him
carefully. “Are you sayin’ you’ve never made the mistake of letting the right
woman get away before?”

His friend was
crossing a long-buried line at a time when Derek didn’t have the patience to be
polite. “Jesus Christ, why are grillin’ me like this?”

“Don’t you think
you’ve been hidin’ out in Arkansas long enough, man?”

“Hidin’ out? What
the hell are you talkin’ about? I’ve been livin’ my life. I haven’t been hidin’
out.”

“Oh yeah? What
kind of life has it been? You’ve been workin’ eighty hours a week, you rarely
take a vacation, and before Rosanna, you went from one bad relationship to the
next. Face it, your life is a mess.”

Derek glared at
him. “Who the hell are you to judge me? Just because you have the perfect wife,
kids, house, job, friends… we can’t all get that lucky.”

Josh leaned
forward as he gripped the armrests. “You think all that came easy for me? You
think I didn’t have to wade through my fair share of shit to get there?”

Derek knew his
friend had to fight for the woman he loved. He’d been in Arkansas with Lexi
when she and Josh almost lost each other. He knew it wasn’t easy for either of
them to find the courage to take the risk. But they had, and now they had a
life Derek envied.

“No, I know you
did.” He scraped his hands over his face. “But it was different for you and
Lexi. You were at a different place in your life. I’m too damn old to be takin’
stupid chances now.”

Josh stared at
him. “Man, you’ve wasted almost half your life wishin’ you made different
choices. Are you gonna spend the last half doin’ the same?”

In his gut, Derek
knew Josh was right. He couldn’t go on this way. “What would you suggest I do?
Quit my job, join the monks, and try to find inner peace?”

Josh rolled his
eyes. “Don’t be a smartass. What I’m sayin’ is… don’t be such a chicken shit.
If you want somethin’, go after it already.”

Derek didn’t want
to assume his friend was talking about Ashley. His blessing was too much to
hope for, given their history. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talkin’
about.”

“Yes, you do. I
saw the way you were lookin’ at her today, the way she held you at the
cemetery. I’d be lyin’ if I said it didn’t hurt, knowin’ that the woman I
married, the mother of my children, was in love with my best friend the entire
time.”

Derek shook his
head, trying to deny the claim. He didn’t want to believe what Josh was saying
was true. If it was, he’d wasted the better part of his life without the woman
he loved when they could have been together. Her kids could have been his kids.
“You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, man.”

“Don’t I?” Josh
glared at him. “Did Ashley tell you that we weren’t sleepin’ together the last
eight months of our marriage?”

Derek lowered his
head. “I know you weren’t sleepin’ together before…” He couldn’t say it. He
didn’t even want to think about what his betrayal had cost his friend.

“Yeah, did she tell
you why we weren’t sleepin’ together anymore?”

Derek shook his
head. He’d never wanted to know. Thinking about Josh making love to Ashley was
always too painful for him to contemplate. “It was none of my business.”

“The hell it
wasn’t. You were the reason I moved into the guest room.”

“What the hell are
you talkin’ about?” Derek hadn’t tried to insinuate himself into their
marriage. He tried to keep his distance and encouraged them to work out their
problems. A raging storm prevented either of them from driving home, and they
found themselves giving in to temptation.

“The last time
Ashley and I made love… she called out your name.”

Derek muttered a
curse as he lowered his head. If what Josh said was true, that would have
happened months before the storm. “I never meant to ruin your marriage. You’ve
got to believe me.”

“I do.” Josh
sighed. “Look, I was an idiot for pursuin’ her in the first place. You were my
best friend; she was your ex… I mean, it goes against guy code. Not sure what the
hell I was thinkin’.”

Derek had asked
himself that question a time or two. What the hell had Josh been thinking back
then? Wasn’t it obvious to him that Derek still loved her, that he’d never
stopped loving her? “So, why’d you do it? Why’d you hook up with Ash after we
broke up?”

Josh laced his
hands behind his head and leaned back in his chair. “You and I both saw her at
the same time, remember?”

Derek smiled.
“Yeah, the first day of classes our freshman year. We were at the campus
bookstore. She was just about the hottest little thing we’d ever seen.”

Josh chuckled.
“Yeah, not much has changed. Ashley’s still a beautiful woman.”

“She sure is.”
Derek turned his head to look at his friend. “You were pissed that I had the
balls to ask for her number.”

“You could have
given me a chance, or at least asked if I was interested.”

If it was any
other woman, he probably would have, but there was something special about
Ashley. “Yeah, I guess I could have.” He shook his head. “But if you’re
expectin’ me to say I’m sorry I didn’t, you’ll be waitin’ a while. I wouldn’t
trade the time I spent with her for anything. I’ve never loved anyone else like
that.”

Derek knew it was
time for him and Josh to have the conversation they should have had twenty-five
years ago. It may have saved them all a lot of heartache.

“I know.” Josh
sighed. “And this is hard for me to admit, but I don’t think she ever loved me
the way she loved you.”

Derek grimaced. He
couldn’t even imagine how difficult it would be to admit that your wife was in
love with another man. “I’m sorry.” He raked his hands through his hair. “Man,
what a mess.”

“I’m over it. I
have Lexi now, and I wouldn’t go back for anything.”

Derek smiled. “I
know. You two are perfect for each other.”

“Sort of like you
and Ashley?”

“No, not at all
like me and Ash. I have a career I love in Arkansas, and she has two sons who
hate my guts because they think I busted up their family. That’s not exactly a
solid foundation to build a relationship on, is it?”

Josh kicked his
feet up on a footrest. “You love the job, not the place.”

His friend was probably
right, but he wasn’t willing to admit as much, at least not yet. “I have a nice
place to hang my hat, a lot of good friends, and a routine I like—”

“Hmm, the only
thing you don’t have is a woman to share it with. Why do you suppose that is?
Could it be because that woman’s here, in Nashville, where you belong?”

Derek covered his
face with his hands. “Are we back to that again? You’re gonna try and talk me
into movin’ back home?”

“Man, your family
needs you now more than ever.”

“Weren’t you
listenin’ to a word I said? I have a life back there. I can’t just pick up and
move. I’m up for a big promotion—”

Josh held his hand
up. “What would you say if I told you that you could get a better job right
here in Nashville?”

Derek frowned.
“How the hell would you know that?”

“Mathers and I
keep in touch. He called me when he heard about Dave.”

“Is that right?”
Derek and Josh were both tight with John Mathers back in the day. Now, he was
the local police chief.

“He wanted to know
when you’d be back in town.” Josh watched his friend as he imparted the last bit
of news. “He asked me to tell you to give him a call.”

“Shit,” Derek
muttered as he covered his mouth with his hand. They were talking about a desk
job. It was more challenging, paid a lot more money, but with none of the risk.
He lived for the adrenaline rush that came with the risk. “I wasn’t expectin’
that.”

“What’re you gonna
do?”

“I don’t know.” He
smiled at Josh. “I know what you think I should do.”

“What’s to think
about, man? Your family and friends are here. You could have the job you wanted
back in Arkansas, and this is home. Besides, Ashley’s here. Maybe you guys
could finally get that second chance.”

“That really
wouldn’t bother you?” Josh was a better man than he was. If their situations were
reversed, he could never have been so magnanimous about Josh making a play for
Ashley.

“Why should it?
I’ve moved on. I love my wife. Ash and I are friends; I want her to be happy.
If she can find that with you, I think it’s great.”

“Too bad your boys
don’t share your opinion.”

“Give it some time;
they’ll come around. They’re good guys, just a little overprotective where
their parents are concerned.”

Derek smiled.
“You’re a lucky man, Josh. They’re amazing. You should be really proud of
them.”

“I know how hard
it must be for you. I haven’t forgotten how much you loved them when they were growin’
up.”

“I still do,” he
said quietly. “They may hate me, but…”

“But you still see
them as the same snot-nosed kids who used to beg you to let them drive your
Corvette, right?”

Derek smiled at
the memory. They were way too young to drive, but that didn’t stop him from
letting them coast around deserted parking lots on a Sunday afternoon. “Yeah, I
do. You think they remember shit like that?”

“I know they do.
That’s why it’s so hard for them to come to terms with the fact that you and
their mom slept together while we were still married. You were closer to them
than anyone, outside of me and Ash. They felt betrayed. I think they still do.
They loved you, Derek. They looked up to you.” Josh laughed. “Hell, I was kind
of jealous sometimes. They had a serious case of hero worship for you. It was
always Uncle Derek this and Uncle Derek that.”

He sighed. “Yeah,
until I screwed everything up, right?”

“You and Ash made
a mistake. You’re human. Had I found out about it at the time, I probably would
have hunted you down, but now I see it from a different perspective. I had no
business marryin’ her in the first place. You were her first love…” He cleared
his throat. “Hell, I think you were her only love.”

Josh stood up and
patted his friend on the back. “That makes you one lucky bastard in my book.
Don’t make another mistake. Don’t let her get away again, man.”

Chapter Three

Ashley could
scarcely believe her ex-husband was encouraging her former lover to make a play
for her. Did Derek still have feelings for her?

Josh almost ran
into her as he barrelled into the kitchen. “Jesus, you startled me.” He grabbed
her shoulders to steady her. “You hear any of that?”

She felt the
tell-tale blush rise up her neck, staining her cheeks. “I wasn’t eavesdropping,
if that’s what you’re implying. I just wanted to say good-bye to Derek. Mike’s
going to drop me off at home on his way back to work.”