Heartless (2 page)

He took her hands
in his. It was the first time he’d felt free to touch her in years. “We’ll do
everything we can to help them get through this.”

She squeezed his
hands, a small smile tugging at the corner of her full mouth. “But who’s going
to help you get through it? You’re always so busy taking care of everyone else
you forget to take care of yourself.”

Ashley still knew
him so well, even after all these years. He had dozens of relationships over the
years, some serious, but no one had ever been able to read his mind the way she
could. “I’m just takin’ it one day at a time.”

“How long are you
in town?”

He shrugged. “I
have a lot of unused vacation time. I can afford to take a month if I need to.”

Jay and Mike
walked up behind their mother. They were both dark and brooding and, like their
father, tall and imposing. Derek couldn’t see any of their mother’s softness or
compassion in the hard set of their square jaws.

Mike was the first
to extend his hand. “I’m sorry for your loss. Dave was a good man.”

Derek accepted his
outstretched hand. “Thanks, Mike.”

This was the same
kid who’d driven around with him on a Sunday afternoon with the top down,
begging for ice cream. Now, he spoke to him like he was a stranger. One night,
one moment of weakness obviously had the power to erase years of good memories.

Jay put his hand
on his mother’s shoulder, forcing her to take a step back, before offering
Derek his hand. “I’m sorry for your family. It shouldn’t have happened to a man
like Dave. His wife and kids needed him.”

Derek didn’t know
if he was just being sensitive or feeling sorry for himself, but he couldn’t
help but wonder whether Jay intended to imply that it should have been him
instead of his brother. He didn’t have a wife or kids counting on him; no one waited
for him to come home.

“Thanks for comin’,
guys. I appreciate it.”

They both nodded.
“Mom, we’re leavin’ now. Do you need a ride to the reception?”

She shook her
head. “No, I’m going with Josh and Lexi, thanks.” She kissed each of her sons
on the cheek. “I’ll see you there in a little bit, okay?”

Jay and Mike
exchanged a brief glance before glaring at Derek over their mother’s shoulder.
“Okay,” Jay said, finally. “We’ll see you there.”

Derek sighed as he
watched them walk away. “They still hate me.”

Ashley closed her
eyes as she shook her head. “They’re still bitter. They think we betrayed their
father.”

“We did betray
Josh.” Derek raked his hand through his hair. “No sense sugarcoatin’ it, Ash.”

“That was a
lifetime ago. Josh forgave us. Don’t you think it’s time we forgave ourselves?”

Derek watched Jay
and Mike climb into a black SUV. “Your kids have obviously forgiven you, but
you’re their mom. Think they’ll ever be able to forgive me?”

She looked down at
the ground, giving him his answer.

“I’m sorry. I know
it’s not fair, but you know how loyal they are to Josh. It doesn’t matter that
he told them it’s time to let it go. They can’t.”

“I can’t imagine
they wanted to come here today, knowin’ I’d be here?”

She set her
sunglasses in place to shield her eyes. “They love your family. You know that.”

He clenched his
jaw in frustration. He knew she was just trying to spare his feelings, but he
preferred to know where he stood, rather than being blindsided. “That’s not
what I asked.”

“Josh encouraged
them to come.”

Josh walked up
behind them and gripped Derek’s shoulder. “Josh encouraged who to go where?”

Derek turned to
his old friend, trying to find a hint of the animosity he saw in Ashley’s sons,
but it wasn’t there. Josh had moved on with his life. He had a beautiful wife,
two children with her, and the kind of marriage he and Ashley were never able
to forge, no matter how hard they tried.

“We were talkin’
about your sons and the fact that they can’t stand me.”

Josh sighed. “Are
we back to that again?” He watched the mourners filing in to their cars. “We’re
here to honor Dave, not rehash the past. You worry about grievin’ for your
brother. Let me handle my boys.”

Derek shoved his
hands in his pockets, trying to resist the urge to clench his fists. He was
used to being in control. He hated feeling so damn helpless. “Your boys aren’t
kids anymore, Josh. They’re twenty-four years old. You can’t send them to their
room for refusin’ to play nice.”

Josh chuckled.
“No, I guess you’re right.” He smirked. “I guess I’m used to dealin’ with Aiden
and Brianna, huh?”

Aiden and Brianna
were the kids Josh shared with his current wife, Lexi. Derek tried not to envy
the fact that his best friend had four great kids who idolized him, a wife who
loved him, and an army of friends and family to watch his back. He loved Josh
like a brother, but it was tough not to covet his life.

“Don’t worry about
it,” Derek said, sighing. “I’ll deal with Jay and Mike.”

Ashley began
wringing her hands, a sure sign she was nervous. “I don’t think that’s such a
good idea. Maybe we should just let it go.”

Derek stared at
her for a long time before responding. At forty-six, she was still the same
beautiful girl he’d fallen in love with back in college. Sun-kissed hair framed
a heart-shaped face with big blue eyes, still so wide and seemingly innocent,
though Derek knew that was wishful thinking on his part. She had to be tough to
be a single parent to two rowdy boys. A lifetime had passed since they were
young and idealistic. She may look like the same girl, but she wasn’t. She was
a mature woman now, a mother with a failed marriage and a lifetime of
experiences behind her… experiences that didn’t include him.

“I don’t want to
let it go, Ash. We’ve tried to bury this under the rug for too long. Don’t you
think it’s time we dealt with it?”

She set her
sunglasses atop her head and looked to her ex-husband, obviously hoping he
would back her up. “I don’t see what good it would do. You’re going back to
Arkansas in a few weeks anyway.”

“Those kids were
an important part of my life once. Josh and I are still close, and I have to
assume I’ll be spendin’ a lot more time here, at least for the foreseeable
future. If I could have a civil relationship with them, I’d like to try.”

She rolled her
eyes. “Good luck with that.”

Josh looked at her
long and hard. “Are you forgettin’ how persuasive Derek can be, Ashley? Nobody
knows that better than you, right?”

Her mouth fell
open. “What the hell—”

He held his hand
up to silence her. “Lexi’s over by the car. Do you still need that ride?”

“I’ll take her
back to the house,” Derek said quickly. He suspected, given the choice, she
would rather be trapped in a car with him right now. Besides, it would give
them a chance to talk. Something they should have done a long, long time ago.

Ashley clasped her
hands in her lap and counted off the miles to the McCall house. The low drone
of country music in the background did little to mask the sound of her heart
pounding in her ears.

A lifetime had
passed since the last time Ashley was alone in a car with Derek, yet it felt
like yesterday. If she closed her eyes, she could still imagine them as young
lovers: carefree, laughing, holding hands, and teasing each other mercilessly.
What she wouldn’t give to go back in time, just for a day, to relive that
moment when anything seemed possible.

“Do you like
living in Arkansas?” she asked, hoping to fill the awkward silence and
remaining miles with innocent conversation.

He shrugged.
“Sure, it’s home… has been for a long time.”

How could she
forget the day Derek decided to move to another state? They’d made love for the
first time in years. She was nearing the end of a loveless marriage, and she
thought Derek was offering her a new beginning. But he pulled the rug out from
under her when he said he couldn’t live with the guilt of betraying his best
friend. He suggested she give her marriage another chance, for the sake of her
kids.

She’d taken
Derek’s advice. For six months, she and Josh lived under the same roof, shared
the same dinner table, and slept in separate beds before they finally admitted
it was over and had been for a long time. They parted on good terms, as
friends, and wished each other the best of luck finding their second chance.
Josh found his with Lexi, but Ashley was still waiting for hers. As the years
slipped by, the odds diminished, but she wasn’t willing to settle this time. If
she ever married again, he would have to be her soul mate.

“Is there anyone
waiting for you back home?” She hadn’t intended to ask, but her curiosity took
precedence over etiquette.

It was difficult
to imagine Derek was as lonely as she was. He was every bit as handsome now as
he was back in college, maybe more so. He was still tall and broad with the
physique of the athlete he’d once been. Only the laugh lines fanning out from
his blue eyes and the faint silver strands weaving through his black hair
reminded her that twenty-five years had passed.

“I lived with
someone for four years, but it didn’t work out.”

She’d already
tipped her hand, no sense backing down now. “Do you mind if I ask why?”

He grinned,
revealing the shallow dimples that used to make her melt. “You know you can ask
me anything.”

 There was a time when
they’d been best friends. He was her phone call in the middle of a crisis or
the first person to tell her he was proud of her when she aced an exam. It
wasn’t until their junior year when football and partying started to take
precedence over their relationship that she let him go to pursue the life he
seemed to want. She thought he’d come back to her, but when he didn’t, she
found comfort in the arms of his best friend.

She didn’t know if
she wanted to hear the details of his failed relationship, but it seemed easier
than allowing her overactive imagination to fill in the blanks. “So… what
happened?”

“She was as
committed to her career as I was to mine.” He shot her a sidelong glance. “The
only time we saw each other was in bed.”

The sharp pang of
jealousy shouldn’t be so acute after two and a half decades, but there it was.
Ashley was envious of a nameless, faceless woman, simply because she had the
pleasure of sharing Derek’s bed for four years while she’d been curling up
alone.

She turned her
attention to the passing sights outside the window. He was always so good at
reading her emotions, and she didn’t want him to see the telltale signs of
possessiveness still lurking beneath her carefully applied mask of
indifference. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

He smiled. “Are
you? Really?”

Dare she tell him
the truth? She shrugged. “Okay, maybe I’m not.”

He threw his head
back and laughed as he pulled up to a stoplight. After a moment of amusement,
he turned to look at her, a smile still lighting his eyes. “Thanks. I haven’t
laughed since I got the call about Dave.”

She reached across
the seat to hold his hand. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.
Years and miles should have made them feel like strangers, but he was still
Derek, her first lover and the man she’d once built her dreams around.

Derek kissed her hand
as the car behind them sounded their horn. He scowled into his rearview mirror.
“Too bad I’m out of my jurisdiction.”

“You probably
haven’t written a traffic ticket in years. Josh said you were a detective
inspector?” Josh didn’t speak to her about Derek often. It was still awkward,
given their history and their sons’ resentment toward him, but she would listen
carefully and glean any information she could from casual conversations.

“Yeah, I’m up for
another promotion. I’ve got another eight years before I can retire with full
pension, but I don’t know what the hell I’d do with myself if I did pack it
in.”

“Do you still
think about traveling?” It had been one of their shared dreams in college. They
wanted to see the world together after they got married and raised a family.
Their retirement, they promised, would be filled with fun and adventure.

He glanced out the
window, admiring the farmland stretching out on either side of their vehicle.
“Sure, I still think about it. But unless I find someone who shares the dream,
it’s not likely to happen.”

She knew they were
venturing into dangerous territory, talking about lost dreams, but she couldn’t
help herself. These were the questions she swore she’d ask him if she ever had
the chance. “Do you still think about having kids?”

He gripped the steering
wheel until his knuckles turned white. “I think that time has passed, don’t
you?”

“You’re only
forty-seven. You could still find the right woman.” She forced a laugh, trying
to pretend the thought of him having a family with someone else wasn’t tearing
her heart out. “Granted, she might have to be a younger woman to make that baby
fantasy a reality.”