Here at Last (29 page)

We
also
agreed to reconvene the following evening, December 31
st
, for
our first official
date. Before he left my place,
Nicholas
and I stood in my doorway for a long embrace.
V
isibly relieved, he kissed my cheek and walked out the door.

Chapter
2
6

When New Year
’
s Eve Day arrived and I
had
more
time to reflect on the previous week
, a
ll of my thoughts continued to swirl as I prepared to see Nicholas
that
evening. I spent some time journaling in the morning and meditated for about half an hour before lunch.

I set out to find a way to honor the memory of JT while slowly starting a new relationship with Nicholas. It was a tricky balance, and I wasn't sure how
it
was going to
work
. JT ha
d
been unlike anyone I
’d
ever known
and
, certainly, unlike anyone I
had
ever dated. He had been
both
style
and substance,
a
deeply
intelligent and
loving
man who
ha
d always found a way to take
my breath away
.

Although I
’d
vowed that I would try not to
do it
, it was difficult not to compare the two me
n.
JT had been incredibly generous in giving me all of himself,
opening his heart to love again. He had done everything that he could to make me happy even if it meant leaving San Diego and moving to Chicago. I missed his loving and playful nature and our long talks about physics.

Nicholas hadn't brought me thirteen white roses or
the
beautiful necklace that I
’d
received
the year before. Feeling more than a
trace
of nostalgia, I remembered how JT had walked up behind me
while
I was putting my roses into the
v
ase and
gently put his hands on my arms
,
causing my heart
to
beat
a little faster
. He had come on strong when I
saw
in him in Chicago because he didn't want to miss
another
opportunity
to explore a relationship
with me
.

Where JT had
been decidedly assertive
in
wooing me, Nicholas had been
far more cautious
– not only for his sake but for mine. I realized that he would do anything
but
come on strong for fear of scaring me away.
Nicholas was warm and loving. We shared the experience that came with grief, which had helped to bring us together. Most importantly, though, he seemed to understand me and could tell what I was thinking and when I needed him
without my having to say a word
. I'd never had that
same kind of
with connection with anyone before. I knew that l
oving him would be different
and
that
h
is love for me would be different.

Of course,
I
had to accept my
part
in all of this. I was in a different
place
emotionally
than I had been a year ago. M
y relationship with Nicholas
w
ouldn’t be like my relationship with JT had been
; that would
be
impossible
.
They were two different men, and I was in a darker place now that I was with Nicholas than I’d ever been in with JT.

I also realized that I’d need to be careful when it came to being intimate with Nicholas.
When
I had
invite
d
JT up to my apartment,
I hadn't expected to make love with
him
th
at night
but had
felt ready when it happened. With
Nicholas, I
’d
thought that I was ready when I wasn’t
and had
created unnecessary
pain
and drama
for both of us
.
He was still grieving
, too
, and I’d need to be careful not to hurt him again
.





On New Year's Eve, Nicholas
arrived at
my apartment with a bottle of champagne. When he walked inside, I took his coat and hung it in the closet. I
had
just finished making dinner. It was too cold for either of us to have wanted to go out so we spent a quiet evening
at home
.

After dinner, he opened
the
champagne and proposed a toast. “To new beginnings," he said
softly
.

I raised my glass. "To new beginnings."

A year ago, JT and I
had
raised our glasses of champagne and toasted to another year together. We’d bundled up against the cold and
spent the evening downtown
.
At
midnight
,
he had taken me into his
arms and kissed me. Then, we had
come home and made love
. I had
felt
desperate that night
to
be
as close
to him
as I could be
and
wondered later if some part of me knew that I was
about
to lose him.

This New Year's was one of my last firsts. Valentine's Day
and the anniversary of JT’s death
would be the final one
s
. Just before Christmas, I
had
taken down the mistletoe
. I
t
had become painful to see it there
knowing that JT and I would never stand beneath it
again
.

Nicholas watched me quietly, and my attention returned to him. I shook my head. "I'm sorry." I didn't even try to make excuses.

He looked
worried and a little hurt
.
"Are you sure you want to
do
this?
I mean, are you sure you want to start a relationship with me?"

I looked at him for a long mom
ent
trying to think of what to say. It was a great question, and I had absolutely no idea
how to answer him
.

"Sophia, maybe I should go…." He looked to me to give him some sense of
direction
one way or another.

I began thinking that this wasn't fair to him, but all I could manage to say was, "This isn’t fair."

Getting
up from his chair
,
he walked
around to my side of the table.
When he
took me by the hand, I got up and
followed him to the sofa where w
e sat down
,
and
he
held me as I closed my eyes and leaned into him.

I sighed. "What I meant to say was that this is isn’t fair to you. I’m still grieving and dragging you through it with me. You’re just getting back on your feet
,
again, and I don't want to
pull
you back down."

He looked into my eyes
. “Do you want me here?”

I saw the face
of the man from
my dreams
, the one
who
had
looked so happy and carefree. Now, he was
so
concerned
about me
and affected by my pendulous feelings
that I hardly saw him smile
at all
.
Regardless, there was no doubt that I wanted him in my life.

“Yes but I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Let me worry about that.”

“How long did it take you?
”
I asked. “
T
he grieving
.
”

He shook his head.
“I don't know if it ever goes away
. It’s
become more distant
, and
I can finally focus
on other aspects of
my
life again.
”

I was curious.
"When did you start to feel like you
we
re ready to
date again
?"

"
As soon as I remembered
where I’d seen you before
, everything fell into place
.
That was back in February. I knew that I didn’t want to be with anyone else, but I needed some time to process it all. I wasn’t sure how Hannah would feel or even how to start dating again. Then, when
I saw you at
the bereavement group
,
I knew
that
you weren't ready.
”

I shook my head.

“
It's going to take some time
. E
ven then, I don't know what you’ll want to do. We
might
date
for
a while, and you
could
change your mind and decide
that
I'm not who you want to be with. Or you might decide
that
you don't
want to
be
with
anyone
at all.”

"
The uncertainty is
what I'm worried about. I have feelings for you and for JT, and I've already hurt you once. What if I just keep feeling conflicted like this?"

“Look, Sophia
. N
o one said this is going to be easy
, b
ut there is one thing that makes it much simpler. Take
it
one step at a time. Stop worrying about everything in advance. You have enough on your plate as it is, and the more you worry about things that haven't even happened, the harder it will be to cope."

I
watched him for a moment
.
"
How do you see us playing out?”

He chuckled. "You want the crystal ball?"

I smiled and nodded my head. "Yes, I want the crystal ball. I want to know that everything
is going to be okay
and
that
we
’ll
all
live happily ever after."

He
smiled
and
kissed me on the
cheek
. "I'll see what I can do."

We sat in the quiet for a while, and the snow had begun falling again. We watched it against the backdrop of the street lamps. A year ago, I had been with JT.
Tonight, I sat
in the arms of the man
from
my dreams, the one
who had
intentionally
sought me out
years before
.
My dreams of him
had
given me hope
before we’d ever met
,
and
his actual presence had
comfort
ed
me over
the past
many months
. Maybe the
coming
year wouldn’t be
so
bad after all.

Chapter
2
7

Relieved that the holidays
we
re over, I returned to work on Monday and quickly picked up my pace. January promised to be a busy month as we had some new contracts
and only about six weeks to complete them.

Meanwhile, Nicholas was back on full-time daddy duty. He was giving me plenty of space, and, frankly, we were still getting to know one another.
At that point, my greatest desire was to be a functional human being, and I had no interest in rushing things.

On
January 19
th
,
I w
as s
ent to the office of a new client, Jack Morton. Jack ran a series of for-profit science seminars centered around emerging scientific concepts, and he had specifically asked that
Hastings send me for our initial consult
. I had no idea why until I arrived at his office in nearby Evanston
late
one afternoon
.