Here at Last (28 page)

I nodded
sleepily. “You feel just like you did in my dream."

Chapter
2
5

The next morning, I awoke early. I got o
ut of bed quietly and tiptoed
to the master bathroom. As I stood in front of the sink, I watched myself in the mirror as I washed my face.

It was December 28
th
, and I had been standing in my parents’ hallway
just
three
days
before
. I had come home early because I
’d
missed JT so much
that I
’d
needed to
be alone
.
How could I miss
JT
so badly
and make love with
Nicholas
? I knew
that
I was falling in love with
Nicholas, but
I barely knew Hannah. If things
with
Nicholas
and I continue
d
down this path,
how would she feel about me, and
how would I feel about being a
step
mother
?

I was overcome by the now familiar feeling of not being able to breathe. I closed my eyes and tried to will myself to take a deep breath, but I couldn't.
What had been so clear last night
seemed
clouded today. I couldn't imagine any positive outcome from this
,
and I stared at myself
blankly
in the mirror wondering what I had done as the water
continued to
r
u
n
down the drain
.

I heard a
light
knock at the door. "
Sophia
?"

I turn
ed
off
the water and wiped my face
with a
silver
hand towel
.

“Are you okay?"
he asked
gently
.

I opened the door and managed a
small
smile.
Nicholas
was leaning
against
the doorway
with one hand
studying my face and body language. He looked down and closed his eyes. “I knew last night was a mistake."

“It wasn't your fault
,” I said quietly
,
“
i
t was mine." I reached out and touched his hand
.
"I should go."

He simply nodded.
Standing
in the doorway
,
he crossed his arms and
watched me
as I walked past him. I didn't say anything as I
dressed and
gathered my clothes from the night before
,
thr
owing
them
quickly
into my overnight bag. I walked out of the bedroom and down the hallway, grabbing my coat from the foyer closet and not even bothering to button it up before I went outside where I began to breathe a little easier.





I spent the
next
three
days at work. The office was quiet
, and
I was the only one there.
On December 30
th
,
I finished up all of my year-end paperwork.

I began thinking about what the following year would bring.
Bundling
up
,
I
took
a long walk
through the city, which was always fairly quiet this time of year. My mother tried calling a few times, but
she didn’t leave a message, and
I didn't have the stomach to call her back.

I thought about
Nicholas
and how I must have hurt him. He'd been hesitant with me and said it was too soon, and I hadn't listened. As a result, I ended up feeling like I had betrayed JT,
Nicholas
,
and
myself. If
anything good had come from making love with
Nicholas
at all
, it was that I realized that there was life after JT
and t
hat I could fall in love again. I just wasn't ready for
the whole package that Nicholas represented
.

However,
I also didn’t want to lose
him
.
For whatever reason,
I had seen him
my dreams
in San Diego
and Las Vegas
over
three years ago.
Whether it was because he had envisioned me in college and drawn me to him or some other reason
that
I couldn't
fathom
, it was clear to me that the hand of destiny had brought us into one another's lives
just when each of us had
needed someone. Who was I to argue with destiny?

The wind blew hard when I rounded the corner onto
West Belmont Avenue
. I
pulled my phone out of my purse and began to send a text.  Then, I thought better of it. I
stepped back and
nestled myself into a quiet doorway of a small shop that was closed
for
the holidays and made the call.

“Hi
.
"
Nicholas
answered
solemnly
.

I closed my eyes and suddenly choked up. "I'm sorry."

“You have nothing to apologize for.”
He sounded tired.

“
Yes,
I do. Can we talk?" I asked.

He hesitated.
"Sure. Where?"

“How about my
place
i
n about an hour?"

“Okay. I'll see you there
,
"
he said.

Standing in the
doorway, I closed my eyes and exhaled. I knew what needed to be done. I just hoped that I had the guts to go through with it.





On my long walk home, I thought about my dream
s
with
Nicholas
and
wondered how many people have had dreams or visions that altered the direction of their lives.
Seeing
Nicholas
’s face and knowing what it felt like to be
truly loved
had
helped me
to
realize what was missing in my relationship with
David
and
had
protected
me
from
a
n earlier
version
with JT.

W
hen I
had first
met
Nicholas
,
I
would
ha
ve been open to dating him,
but he
hadn’t been
ready. He
’d
still
been
in love
with his wife.
When I’d
run into him at
the
bereavement
group
of all things
,
I
wasn't ready to date
, but he’d
been a friend to me
anyway
. He always knew when something was going on
,
and
his timing
was uncanny
.
T
hat was something that I couldn't ignore.
I didn’t know how everything would work out, but I realized that I needed him in my life.

I rushed upstairs to my apartment
,
stripped off my clothes
, and
took a shower to get warm. Then, I put on
a
long-sleeved
white
shirt with
a scoop neck
and a
navy
blue fleece
vest
with
jeans
and slid my feet into a pair of
navy
flats
.

About
ten
minutes later,
Nicholas
arrived
, and I buzzed him
up
.
When he stepped inside my apartment,
I offered to take his coat, but he
preferred
to keep it on.
I sense
d that
he didn’t plan to stay long
and
ushered
him into the living room where we sat a little awkwardly on the sofa.

I turned to face him.
“
Nicholas
," I began. "I'm so sorry.
Th
e other
morning in the bathroom, I didn't understand how I could miss JT so much and be falling in love with you at the same time. Then, I thought about Hannah.
”

Nicholas
watched me as I struggled
with what to say
.

“I barely know her. I don't know if she would accept me
or how I
would
feel about being a stepmother
. I just started feeling totally overwhelmed.”

Reaching out
, he put
his hand on mine
.
"I know."

“
Over the past few days
, I felt like I
’d
lost you. It was like I was grieving
you and JT
at the same time.”

He looked down and nodded.
“I know,” he said again.

I turned to face him squarely. “You always
seem to
know what’s going on with me a
nd when to call
and w
hen to drop by. Is there anything you don’t know?”

He nodded and smiled a little sadly
. “I don’t know what you’re going to do about it.”

I laughed a little. “That makes two of us."

Nicholas took off his coat and placed it on the arm of the sofa
before moving
closer
and
taking my hand in his.

“
Sophia
, why did you ask me to come here today?"

I reached out for his
other
hand, and we interlaced our fingers. “I needed to apologize. I needed to tell you that I'm falling in love with you. And I needed to tell you that I'm scared to death.”

“Of what?"
he asked with a
troubled
expression.

“Of Hannah thinking that I'm trying to replace her mother or
that I’m taking
time away from
the two of you
.”

He nodded.

“But I think I'm even more scared of losing you. I don’t want to lose you.”

Nicholas
moved
a few strands of
hair
away from
my face. “
Sophia
, I'm falling in love with you
,
b
ut
my biggest concern
is moving too fast and scaring you away. Don't worry about Hannah right now. Let's just ease our way into this and see if this is what we want. We'll
worry about
Hannah later."

“Okay,” I agreed
, breathing easier
. “Okay.”

He pulled me into his arms, and
I felt a great sense of relief.





We agreed on a few ground rules. The first was that he wouldn't introduce me to Hannah as his girlfriend until our relationship was more settled. That provided the basis for the second rule, which was that he would visit me at my house more
than I would visit him at his – a
t least for now. The third rule was that we wouldn't make love until I was good and ready. There was no pressure, no expectation. We both understood that this one was up to me. Similarly, the fourth rule stated that I would be responsible for expressing my feelings and concerns as a means of
respecting myself,
him
,
and our relationship.
Of course, he had to follow that rule, too. That included
sharing
feelings
when they arose regarding
the loved ones
whom
we had lost, which could get into delicate territory. We accepted that
we each
would need to grieve from time to time and
that we’d
support one another without judgment.
Finally, the fifth rule stated that if this relationship wasn't working out for either one of us, we would lovingly but honestly let one another go.