Here's to Forever (5 page)

“Nothing, man. Just having an off day.”

I lean back in my chair and fold my hands behind my head. “I feel you.”

“Oh, shit,” he says, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. “Trouble in your disturbingly perfect paradise?”

I hate that everyone thinks Rae and I don’t have problems. I guess in reality they aren’t that big of a deal, but it’s not like we don’t ever fight or disagree on things. We do. All the damn time. She’s stubborn as shit and a little crazy. I can be mean and short-tempered on occasions. Don’t get me wrong, I know those aren’t huge issues, but for us, that’s enough. We struggle just like every couple. Our difference is that we choose not to. We don’t let the little shit bother us. We work through it. There’s no other option for us.

Except for last night. I got home after seeing her dad and could tell right away that something was wrong. I don’t know what tipped me off to her mood. It could have easily been her rigid shoulders or her quiet greeting or the fact that she was scrubbing the dishes like they’d been sitting in dog shit for the last six months. Then she did something that sent the
maybe something is up with Rae
meter off the charts—she dodged me. An upstairs-lights-out-no-goodnight dodge. Then I found out what was wrong with her. She knows I lied to her about working yesterday. I also know that she’s now questioning everything. Especially since after she gave me the perfect opportunity to come clean to her, I did something I never do either.

I
dodged
her.

Or at least her question. Or statement, rather. Then I seduced her, let her fall all over me. Whatever. We didn’t talk about it. Just moved on, had our dinner, and ignored it. And this morning? Yep. Ignored it then as well. So for the first time in a very long time, something is majorly off with our relationship.

And it’s all my fault.

“You okay?” Gaige prods.

“I think I’ve royally fucked up.”

“I’m sure you have.”

I give him an incredulous look for that comment.

“What? It was bound to happen,” he defends. “After all the bliss, there’s going to be a storm. The weather isn’t perfect all the time, especially not around these parts. When you want summer, you get winter. When you want spring, you get all the damn rain Mother Nature can throw at you. There’s no happy medium. This seems like autumn to me.”

Did he just compare my relationship to the fucking weather, to the seasons? And did he just make complete and total sense? Yes, yes he did.

“I know.” He taps the side of his head. “I’m a genius.”

“Or entirely insane.”

“It’s a fine line, so who’s the real winner?”

I can’t help but laugh at him. He always spins things to his favor. “Your confidence in yourself is always so inspiring, Gaige.”

“You’re welcome,” he says automatically. “But do enlighten me as to how you’ve royally fucked up. I’m curious as to how the great Hudson can do that. I mean other than sneaking around and visiting her dad. Which I still believe she’ll eventually forgive you for.”

“Eventually?”

He shrugs. “I’m nothing if not hopeful.”

“Something like that,” I mutter.

“Well? Spill, fucker. Some of us have shit to do.”

I let out an irritated sigh because
he’s
the one who barged in here to bother
me.

“I dodged her, man. Last night. She basically caught me lying to her about working yesterday, and I fucking dodged her. Sidestepped her like I was on a damn football field. And she didn’t even try to block me. She just let me pass and I scored. Only I feel like I’ve cheated us both by doing so.”

He doesn’t say anything, just narrows his eyes. And then the silence continues until I’m squirming in my chair.

“What,” I grit out.

“You’re telling me that you used sex as a distraction? You, Hudson Tamell, Mr. Perfect, did that? Wow. I feel like a fucking saint right about now.”

“What makes you feel so holy?”

“Even I haven’t done that. I mean I’m an asshole and all, but that’s low, man. Like, Hell level low.”

“I’ll be sure to save you a seat down there.”

“You’re too good to me.” He pauses to let me know he’s about to get serious. “Listen, man, it’s gonna be okay. Yeah, she gave you an excellent opportunity to fess up to the sneaking around—I’m not sure why you didn’t do just that—and you completely blew it. But I think it’ll be okay in the end.”

I don’t miss the “think” part of his sentence. Nor do I miss him pointing out that I didn’t fess up.

Honestly, I’m not sure why I didn’t either. I’m not a fan of confrontation and I know this is going to lead to an argument eventually. But I also don’t think Rae’s ready to know just yet. I’m not sure how she’s going to handle it and that terrifies me. I’m scared of losing her.

Fuck. I’m scared of losing her.
That right there is the reason I’m still hiding it, why I didn’t confess to sneaking around. I know this could be the thing that breaks her, the thing that tears her away from me. I don’t want that.

No, I want her to understand why I’ve been visiting Ted, why I’m so insistent on maintaining some sort of connection between the two. I know firsthand what it’s like to lose a father. I know how it feels to have your entire relationship just vanish. Right now they still have that thread connecting them. Sure, Rae’s pissed. But she’s not completely closed off. Not yet. And I’m not going to let her get to that point. No matter the stakes in our relationship.

“Your head’s spinning, huh?” Gaige interrupts my thoughts.

“Hell yeah. I’m just so...conflicted. I want everything for her, but I don’t want to lose her.”

He sighs, and it’s a long, drawn out one. I don’t think I like those kinds of sighs. “Are you ready to risk it though?”

“I am.” My response is automatic because it’s damn true. Because the truth is, she needs that relationship with her father far more than she needs me.

“Goddamn. You are one selfless man.”

I wish I wasn’t, though. I wish just this one time that I could be selfish. But when it comes to Rae, I could never be. I suppose I should consider that a blessing and not a curse.

In a hardly seen moment of seriousness, Gaige says, “I’m in awe of you, man. You were dealt some rather fucked up cards in life at a young age, but you didn’t let that get you down. You became a way better man for it, and I’m honored to call you my friend.”

I do my best to choke back the emotions begging to be let out. I don’t think I can explain to him how good that felt to hear. I know this is silly, but there are so many days when I worry about whether or not I’m doing a good job as a dad. I think most people worry about those things, but based on where I am in life right now, I don’t feel like I have a reason to do that. But…I do. I’m just glad hard work is something others can see. It’s nice to feel like I’m helping make a difference somehow, someway.

“Uh, thanks, man,” I tell him, my throat thick from holding in how I feel.

He shrugs. “Yeah, whatever.”

I immediately bark out a laugh, because damn, only Gaige could spit out some sweet, meaningful shit like that and then follow it up with two words and a shrug to show his indifference. The best part is that he means it. He doesn’t care or ever apologize for what he says. Or doesn’t say. He’s a good dude.

“Anyway, I guess I’m going to get back to work. Someone’s gotta keep this place afloat when Rae kills you in your sleep for being a total shithead.”

I give him a short, humorless laugh. “Wow. Thanks for the pep talk. I feel
so
much better now.”

“Anytime,” he says somberly as he pushes himself from his chair and makes his way to the door.

Every time I get done talking with Gaige, I always feel a little…confused. He makes sense—always does—but he also has this way of making you feel…thoughtful. It’s like he forces everyone to be the outsider he always claims to be, makes people step back and really look at things from a different angle.

“Hudson?” His voice pulls me from my thoughts. I glance up to find him still standing in the doorway, looking back at me. I raise an eyebrow and he continues. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing the right thing. And even going about it in the right way. You’re a smart man, but Rae’s an even smarter woman. She’s going to figure it out eventually and shit’s going to implode on you. But that’s okay. You’re an expert at taking a crap situation and making it pretty damn decent. You’ll be fine.”

He doesn’t give me a chance to respond before he walks out the door. I smile to myself because even though I’ve always felt like I’ve chosen some excellent people to call friends, Gaige just completely reaffirmed my belief in that. So, I’m going take what he’s said and attempt to stop worrying about it.

Attempt.

My door gets pushed open twenty minutes into me finally getting back into my groove after lunch. I’ve been a mess all morning. My attempt to try to focus and not think about Rae and how I
might
be fucking everything up royally is failing. Horribly. All I can focus on is how this is going to end. And I’m so scared it’s not going to go the way I want it to go.

Actually, I
know
it’s not.

“Knock, knock.”

“Hey. Come on in, babe,” I say to Rae, getting up from behind my desk and going to hug her. I feel a slight twinge in my chest as she puts her head down and goes the complete opposite direction of me. Intentionally.

I hate that there’s this hole between us. It’s dark and black and it’s sucking us both into a dance that I don’t want to dance. While we’re both dancing, we’re not dancing
together
. It’s the worst dance I’ve ever danced. And I suck at dancing.

“We need to talk.” She heads straight to the two chairs sitting opposite my desk.

I sigh loudly, closing the door and following her lead. She doesn’t look at me when I sit down. She doesn’t return my touch when I reach out and brush my finger across the back of her hands that are braced on her knees, her knuckles turning white from her strong grip. She just sits there, staring straight ahead.

“Rae…”

She flinches, like my saying her name has caused her physical pain. That twinge I felt in my heart earlier has now turned into a constant, dull ache. I don’t like this.

“You’re hiding something.”

It’s not a question. I hate it when she doesn’t ask questions and just states things. It makes my deceiving her seem more real.

Swallowing the lump of lies in my throat that are clawing their way to the tip of my tongue, I say, “I am.”

I am.
He is.

My eyes are instantly on fire. Tears want to fall. No, not fall. They want to create a river. They want to fill the room, spill out into the hallways, and run all the way through town. Because right now, I’m hurting.
Everything
is hurting. Hudson’s been lying to me.

Lying. To me. His girlfriend. For God knows how long.
I need to know how long.
Wait. I don’t want to know the answer to that.
Yes, I do.
Wait.
No. No, I don’t.

“How long?” I find myself saying.

I watch him slowly swallow the lies that want to spill out of his mouth. Again.

“A while.”

“How long is a while?”

“Long enough.”

His eyes dart across the room and I don’t like that he won’t look at me. I don’t like that his hands are shaking. I don’t like
this.
I feel…lost. Confused. Unsure. I want to know what exactly he’s been lying about, but I’m suddenly afraid to ask.

“What?”

“Huh?”

I swallow the accusations that want to jump out of my mouth, the proof I have that he wasn’t at work yesterday when he said he was. Instead, I play it safe, sticking with the only question I can muster right now.

“What…what are you lying about?”

He pales, his expression falling from one of confusion to one of panic. He’s scared. Worried. I just don’t know about what.

“I…” He starts. “I’m…uh…”

My patience is wearing thin. Whatever is going on, I just want to know about it. I want that other shoe to drop. I want to know the truth.

“It’s a simple question, Hudson. What have you been hiding from me?”