Here's to Forever (8 page)

“Yes,” Dallas admits. Then he pastes a fake smile on his lips. “But no man can keep me down for long. I’ll get back in the groove one of these days.”

I don’t call him out on the fakeness, because right now, we’re all faking it. And we all know it.

“Come in!” Maura shouts.

“Oh wow. That’s real safe, Maura. What if it’s a serial killer? Or what if we were all naked?”

Maura shoots him a look. “Why? Why did I invite you to live with me?”

“I’m telling you: it’s the ass.”

“Is there room enough for me in there with this dude’s ego?”

I smile at the sound of Perry’s voice. “I think we can squeeze you in.”

He saunters into the room, looking sleepy but still adorable in his own special way. I can tell he had one of his “late nights” again. Before I can start in on him, he sends a small smile my way. “You good?”

I shake my head. “No, not really. But I will be.”

Dallas stands up as Perry walks closer to the bed. He doesn’t introduce himself, just throws a glance at Dallas. Narrowing my eyes at my cousin, I do the introductions for them. “Sorry, Dallas. Ignore my cousin’s lack of manners. Perry, this is Dallas. Say hi.”

Perry grunts in reply, ignoring Maura’s new roommate entirely.

Dallas arches a brow and his response is cold. “Yeah, we’ve met. I’m gonna grab a shower, ladies. Holler if you need anything.”

I glance over at Maura as he exits the room in a hurry. She just shrugs, letting me know she noticed the odd exchange as well.

Perry slides into where Dallas was just sitting and puts his arms around me for a hug. “I’m here, you know. Always.”

I return his hug. “I know, Per, I know.”

“But I’m pissed at Hudson. I thought he was one of the good guys.”

“He is. That’s the problem.”

He sighs and squeezes me tighter for just a moment before letting me go. “So, what’s the game plan? Ignore him? Talk to him?”

“Well, I have to talk to him. He’s my boyfriend.”

“That’s not who I was talking about, Rae.”

I dart my eyes away from his. “Right.” I frown. “No. We’re not going there. Not now.”

Perry’s sigh is a bit more agitated this time. “It’s been close to a year, Rae. You need to talk to him sometime.”

“I will, Perry. It’s just…”

“No more excuses. It’s time.”

“Let it go for now, Per,” Maura chimes in. “She needs a few days to clear her head. Okay? Just let it go for now.”

He gives me an aggravated half-smile and zips his fingers across his lips.

“Thank you,” I mutter.

“Told you, anything for you.”

“Anything? Like…a pizza?” Maura asks. “I’m starving.”

Pizza makes me think of Gaige. Gaige makes me think of Hudson. And Hudson makes me think of this hole that’s gaping and aching in my chest right now. This hole that’s eating me alive from the inside out, gnawing at me, begging me to pay attention to it. But I don’t want to. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

Lie.

“It’s like eight in the morning. You don’t need a pizza.”

“Maybe not, but I
want
a pizza,” she pouts. “I thought you’d do anything for her, Perry.
Anything
. Lies!”

Perry gives her an incredulous look. “You’re off your fucking rocker, you know that? Just plain insane.”

“Insanely hungry.”

At that, I laugh. And it almost feels good.
Almost.
But I keep laughing because right now I need to pretend to be okay or I’m going to end up in tears.

Maybe that’s what I need though. Maybe I need to release all this pent up frustration and anger once and for all. Because I am that—angry. At my dad, Hudson,
myself.
I’m angry because my dad screwed me up, Hudson screwed me over, and
I
let them. But my anger does me no good. The only thing it morphs into is sadness. I don’t
need
sadness right now. Right now I need relief. And I’m not going to find that by covering my tears in fake, forced laughs.

Before I know it, I’m crying again. And I hate it. But I also know that I
need
to cry. I have to get this out or it’s going to eat away at me. I’m tired of letting shit pick and tear at me, pulling me apart, leaving scraps of myself behind. I. Am. Done.

“I’m not even going to ask something as stupid as, ‘Are you okay,’ because I know you’re far from it right now,” Perry says sternly. I think back to when Dallas asked those three words just thirty minutes ago and momentarily wonder what my cousin would say about that.

“I just want…him. But I’m
so
damn angry right now that I can’t see straight. That’s not going to make anything better. So, as much as not being around him is going to kill me, I’m going to take a few days and just…be.”

Perry nods. “I think that’s a good idea. And while you’re at it, maybe think about talking to your dad?”

I sigh heavily. “I…okay. I’ll think about it.”

“If you’re staying again, I call big spoon!” Dallas calls from the bathroom.

Perry scowls and I throw him an unsure glance. “What’s your deal with him?”

“I just don’t like him, okay? Drop it.”

Dallas strolls into the bedroom with just a towel around his waist, his hard abs on display. I may be devoted to Hudson, and Dallas may bat for the same team as I do, but I can’t help but admire him. He has to work hard for all that beauty that’s on display.

From beside me I hear Perry’s breathing pick up. Watching him, I notice his eyes grow darker and his eyebrows squeeze together tighter.

Dallas flexes his pecs and throws a cocky grin toward my cousin. “You like?”

Perry huffs and jerks his gaze away from the body on full display. He turns to me with an irritated spark in his eye and I just know he’s going straight to the nearest open bar after this. “I…I’ve got shit to do,” he tells me. “If you need me, call me.”

I nod and hug him one last time, knowing full well that the next time I talk to him, he’s going to be face down in a bottle of Jack. Like always.

As soon as we hear the front door close, Dallas lets out a humorless laugh. “Your cousin is a real peach, Rae.”

Shrugging, I say, “I have no idea what his problem is, but I swear he’s not usually like this.”

Dallas, who doesn’t look too convinced, just nods and struts back out of the bedroom calling “Big spoon!” over his shoulder on the way out.

Maura laughs from beside me. “Men. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.”

I lie back on the bed, resting my hands on my flat stomach, crossing my ankles, and staring up at the ceiling. “Don’t we both know it.”

She mirrors my pose but reaches over to grab my hand. And that’s the way we stay—relaxed on the bed holding hands. Holding on to each other, and most importantly, our hearts.

I hate this. All of this. It’s been four days since I’ve seen or heard from Rae, and I’ve been pissed off every single one of them. Maura, who calls me every day, is the only reason I know she’s doing okay. I wish like hell I could just talk with her, make her see my side of things. But she refuses to answer her phone or texts. Every day she ignores me is another day a small hole forms in my heart.

Which is exactly why I’m taking Joey to my mom’s for a couple days. I’m miserable, and my heartbroken mood is rubbing off on my kid. She’s asked me about ten times now where Rae is. It hurts so hard when I have to tell her she’s gone to stay with friends for a few days. Every day when I answer her, Joey’s little shoulders sink lower and lower. I know she’s bound to break down at some point. Since I know
I’m
liable to do so too, I have no idea how to stop it.

“You ready to go, kiddo?” I call up the stairs to my daughter.

I hear her shuffle across the hall, her head popping around the corner at the top of the stairs. Her eyes are bloodshot and puffy—a sure sign she’s been crying.
Fuck. Guess I’m too late in the whole breaking down thing.

“I’m…I’m not going until Rae comes home,” she sniffles.

Sighing, I walk halfway up the stairs, hoping to coax her down. “Joey, baby, we’ve talked about it. Rae is just staying with Maura for a couple days. Girl time. You get that, right?”

Her face crumbles and she begins to sob. My feet fly up the stairs on autopilot and I wrap my arms around her.

“Shh…shh. What’s wrong? Why are you crying? She’s coming back.”

I want to take the words back as soon as they leave my mouth. Because what if she doesn’t come back? Then what? Then not only have I lost the woman I’m madly in love with, but Joey’s also lost the only person she’s ever seen as a mother. I have to fight back my own tears at the thought.

“She…she won’t,” her voice trembles. “She’s not coming back.”

I pull back and cradle her face in my hands, wiping away her tears. “Why would you say that?” My voice is a little stern, but I
have
to know if there’s something she knows that I don’t.

“Because I made her leave.”

I tip my head and wrinkle my brows in confusion. “What makes you think so?”

“I…I…” She struggles to get the words out, hesitant like she’s scared she’s going to get in trouble for saying anything.

“Joey, I need you to tell me why you think you made Rae leave.
Please.
”

“I…asked to go swimming again.” She starts shaking, her little body wracked with sobs. “I’m sorry! I…I didn’t mean to. She got real scared when I asked and I knew I was in trouble. I know you don’t want me swimming with Rae, daddy. I’m sorry.”

I squeeze my eyes shut and turn my head into my shoulder, breathing deeply so I don’t completely lose it at just the thought of what happened almost one year ago. When I feel like I have myself composed, I turn back to Joey.

“First, you can swim with Rae. That’s perfectly okay. What happened last year wasn’t your fault or hers. Okay?” She nods. “Second,
you
did not, and will not, ever make Rae leave. Do you understand that, Joey?”

“But…I… She…”

“No, okay? No. Rae loves you
so
much. She will never,
ever
walk away from you.” I look into her eyes, imploring her to listen to me, to hear me, to understand me. “I promise, bug. I
promise.
”

When she shakily bobs her head up and down, sniffling away the rest of her tears, I know I’ve finally gotten through to her.

I gather her in my arms, holding her tight, hoping to squeeze away all of her worries. She hugs me back just as fiercely and, just for a moment, I let my own tears flow freely.

I
did this.
I
made Joey feel like she’s the one to blame for Rae not being here. Not only did I screw up my relationship with Rae, hurting her beyond belief, but I’ve also managed to make my kid cry in the process.
You’ve really fucked this one up, Hudson. Fix this. Now.

Pulling away from Joey and smoothing her hair down, I give her a small smile. She returns it. I tap the end of her nose and she swats at my hand.

“There’s my smiling girl.”

Expectedly, she scowls. I laugh at how much she acted like Rae just then. My joy is only momentary as I realize I just laughed for the first time since Rae left. I don’t like that. I don’t like laughing. It makes me feel like I’ve forgotten about what I’ve done. And I don’t want to forget.

I stand, looking down at Joey, whose shoulders are no longer sagging. “Now, are you ready to go? Did you pack a bag? Nanna has clothes and stuff for you still, but I know she doesn’t have your favorite pillow or pjs.”

Joey darts down the hall and I make my way down the stairs. She returns just seconds later with a Finn
Adventure Time
backpack slung over her shoulder, carefully making her way down the stairs.

“I’m ready,” she announces as she stands in front of me.

I quirk up my eyebrow at her, placing a lazy grin on my lips. “Last one to the car is the loser?”

She rolls her eyes and sighs. “You’re already a loser.”

Then she’s gone, scurrying out the door in an instant, beating me to the car before I even get the front door closed.

She’s already buckled into the back when I get in the car, bouncing in her seat, her gloomy attitude changed dramatically. Smiling at her in the rearview mirror, I twist around, placing my arm on the passenger seat and watching the road as I carefully maneuver out of the driveway. When I get onto the road, I start to turn back around, pausing only when a small hand lands on my arm.

“Dad?” I look back at my perfect, dark-haired angel. “She’s gonna come home, right?”

My eyes start to sting and my throat gets tight. Swallowing thickly, I nod stiffly. “Of course, bug. She’ll come back.”

I hope.