Here's to Forever (7 page)

At this point, she’s shaking and shouting and begging for air. She’s panicking. I cross the room and lift her, placing her on the counter and grabbing her face in between my hands, trying to soothe her with my words.

“Breathe, sweetheart. Breathe. In, out. In, out. Stop shouting. Joey’s upstairs.”

She stiffens.
Maybe terms of endearment aren’t a good idea right now.

I hear the crack of her hand across my face before I feel it. She gasps and I clench my jaw, grinding my teeth hard, reeling in the anger that I know is coming off me in waves right now.

I look at her and see how much she regrets slapping me. But I don’t want her to regret it. I deserved it.
I fucking deserved it!

“I deserved that for lying. But that’s the only reason I deserved that.” I squint at her when she opens her lips. She closes them, losing whatever argument she was just trying to cook up because she knows I deserved it too. “Now, do you want me to tell you why I’ve been seeing him?”

“Yes,” she says automatically. “Just try to actually tell the truth this time.”

Her words burn. It’s like I stuck my hand into an open fire and the flames are slowly licking their way up my arm, going straight for my chest. The pain sinks in and I can feel the corners of my mouth tip down just the slightest.

“At first I understood your anger toward him. I got it on so many levels. He hid things from you practically your entire life, led you to believe the drowning was all a nightmare. Your being upset was one hundred percent justified.” I pause, waiting for her to say something. She doesn’t. “Rae, you wouldn’t see him. You wouldn’t answer his phone calls. Anytime he tried to reach out to you, you turned away from him. I’ve been on that end with my own father. I’ve been the one pushed away and I’ve done my fair share of pushing back. I hated it. Every single damn second, I hated it.”

I close my eyes, thinking of my dad, Rocky. Of the fun we used to have together, of the summer trips to the beach, of the football games, and many games of hide and seek. And then I’m thinking of the summer everything went to shit, the summer I got Jess, my high school girlfriend, pregnant. At sixteen. I remember the fights and the screaming, the punches thrown, and the pain of being kicked out of my home right after I turned seventeen. I’m conjuring images of powering my way through school on no sleep from a crying baby, working endless nights and weekends to make ends meet for my little family, and how my father refused to help or see me for years. Then, I think of the day we first spoke again, the day everything changed for the better, the first sign of love from my dad in years and how whole I felt again. Until I wasn’t. Because he was taken away from me again, and my entire world shifted when he died just three years ago.

When I open my eyes again, they sting from the tears I’m fighting so hard to hold back. I want to let them out, because I can do that with Rae. Or I used to be able to do that with her. Now, she feels closed off. I can tell from the way her jaw is screwed tight and eyes narrowed, waiting for me to continue.

“You don’t get it until you lose it, Rae. You don’t understand how much these things don’t matter until you lose them. Your father is your best friend. He’s the only parent you’ve ever had. You
need
him. You want him in your life and I can see that so much more than you can because my judgment isn’t clouded by anger. For the past year I’ve watched you reach for your phone to call Ted on so many occasions. When you got your job, when we moved in together. Hell, even when you made your first pot of boxed mac ‘n’ cheese without turning the noodles to paste. I’ve watched you struggle. I’m tired of watching you struggle. You need him.”

I can see her jaw ticking, practically feel the tension rolling through her body.

“
I
need
him
? I don’t
need
anyone. Especially not someone who lied to me for twenty-two years of my life. Not someone who refuses to admit he was wrong in hiding the fact that my mother tried to drown me and then killed herself. I. Don’t. Need. Him. And right now, Hudson, I don’t need you stepping in and trying to play the knight in shining armor for me.”

I don’t say anything, because what’s left to say?

“Let me get this straight.” She huffs and crosses her arms over her chest. “You think that because you screwed up in your past with your father that you can suddenly butt into my—
my
—relationship with my father. And what, Hudson? What do you expect to come of this? What do you
think
is going to happen? That I’ll just wake up one day and say all is forgiven because he’s been talking to
you
? That’s not how this works.”

She pushes me away from her, hops off the counter, and begins pacing. I stay silent, watching the wheels spin in her head. I want to stop them, want to throw a wrench directly into them. But I don’t. Because whatever she’s thinking in there is probably the truth. Rae knows me well enough to be able to guess just exactly what’s been going on.

She comes to a halt, spinning to face me, burning me with the fire in her eyes. “What have you told him?”

“What?”

“What have you fucking told him, Hudson? Everything? All that’s been happening? All of our conversations? Our private fucking conversations!” She’s yelling at this point, and I don’t want Joey to hear any of this.

I laugh at myself because I’m such a fucking asshole. I had no problem just minutes ago with having her pinned against this counter, her legs wrapped around me, ready to carry her to our bedroom and fuck away this horrible day.

You’re a dick, Hudson. A grade A dick.

“Keep your voice down. Please.”

“What have you told him?” she repeats.

Sighing, I say, “Everything.”

I feel like we’re in one of those old western films where they square off in the middle of the street. A shootout. Only we’re fighting with our words, with our feelings. Right now, I know I’m winning because the look on her face tells me I’ve shot her right in the heart with that one simple word. I don’t want to win.

“Well, not
everything.
But enough.”

“Why?” It comes out a broken whisper.

“Because he needs to know how you feel and someone had to tell him. You’re an adult, Rae. Running from this isn’t going to solve anything at all. You can’t just keep ignoring him. You have to talk, you have to get it out. It’s eating at you and you don’t even realize it.”

“It’s not your place, Hudson. Not even a little bit.”

“As the man who’s madly in love with you, it’s my place to see that you’re happy. And you’re not. I mean, you are, but you’re not. Not really. Not when you’re not talking with your best friend.”

I have a point and she knows it. For the past year, she’s had this…void. A hole, if you will. It’s been lingering and growing by the day. I’ve continued to ignore it, ignore everything. It’s been wearing on her. I can tell she’s close to her breaking point, and I
have
to fucking fix it.

“This…this is big, Hudson. I-I don’t know how to trust you now.”

My entire body deflates at her words. That stings so much more than I thought it would. “I know.” I clear my throat. “I knew that was coming. I thought I was prepared for that, but I realize now I was wrong.”

“I…need out.”

“Out?”

“Yes, out. I need to leave.
Now
.”

“Leave?” 

I sound like a fucking caveman, only able to mutter one-syllable words. Rae must agree because she shoots me a look.

“Yes, Hudson. Fucking leave. I need to get out of this house. I’m…I’m pissed. No, I’m
hurt.
I can’t handle this right now. I…I need to go pack a bag.”

She heads for the stairs and I immediately grab for her wrist.

“Wait.” She pulls from my grasp, picking up her pace.

No. She can’t leave like this.

“Goddammit, Rae. Just wait a fucking minute.” My voice vibrates around the room loud enough to make her stop, but not turn around. “You can’t just leave like this.”

She heaves a sigh. “I can. And I’m going to. I need time, Hudson. I can’t think in this house right now. I feel like I’m drowning.” She looks over her shoulder, her eyes sad and pained. “And you’re the one holding me under.”

I wake up next to a sweaty, unfamiliar body.
Where am I?
 

“You’re at my apartment.”

“Your apartment? This is
my
apartment, jackass.”

I hear someone scoff. “No,
princess
, this is
our
apartment. Remember? I shared my B&J’s with you. That means we share everything now.”

“What? Are you—”

“B and fucking J’s, Maura. All your secrets are mine now.”

“Ohmygod. Why did I ever think it was okay to let you move in? You’re insane!”

Laughing, I push the pillow off my head. “You’re
both
insane.” Looking at Maura, I say, “Sharing Ben and Jerry’s is a privilege. You two are basically best friends now.” Then I glance over at Dallas. “Fuck you for stealing my best friend.”

“Sorry,” Dallas says, looking anything but.

I grab my pillow and slap him with it. “Jackass.”

“I can’t believe we all fit in this bed last night,” Dallas comments.

“With your fat ass, I’m surprised we did too.”

Dallas doesn’t even look hurt by Maura’s comment. Instead, he smirks. “I do have a fantastic ass.”

My best friend groans in mock frustration. “That’s not even remotely what I said.”

“Same difference.”

His response is met with a pillow to the face. He immediately retaliates with not his, but
my
pillow. Naturally, this leads to a pillow fight between the two of them. I roll over, lying quietly in the middle, occasionally getting slapped across the ass with a pillow—and I’m certain at least three of the hits are intentional. 

After about five minutes, they finally settle down. I lift my head again to check on them because they’re
way
too quiet. They’re just sitting there, glaring at one another.

“Um, guys?”

“I won.”

“No, I won,” Dallas argues.

I roll my eyes and sit up, bringing my knees up and curling my arms around them. “You both lost. So hush.”

Maura mirrors my pose, sitting close enough to me that our elbows touch. She bumps me once and I can’t help but smile. “Love you.”

“You okay?” a gruff voice says. I can hear him holding back his emotions and I can’t help but respect the guy for that. We just met a couple weeks ago, but I love that he’s already attached enough to feel my hurt with me. To me, that means he’s a keeper.

“Define ‘okay.’”

Dallas throws an arm around me. “The exact opposite of not okay.”

“Well, in that case, I’m pretty sure I’m not okay. I feel…”

“Empty,” Maura says in a low, cracked voice. I look over at her and frown.

Dallas throws an arm around me, pulling me over to him and placing a gentle kiss on the side of my head. “You’re not empty. That’s the problem.”

“Thank you for letting me stay here last night.”

“You’re welcome here anytime, Rae. You know that. But how about we don’t
all
sleep in the same bed again? That was a little cramped. Because of Dallas’s fantastic ass.”

I laugh lightly and feel a tear slide down my cheek. I didn’t even realize I was crying, and this surprises me a little. These are the first tears I’ve shed since Hudson told me about my dad. I didn’t cry last night. I didn’t cry when he told me. But right now, sitting here with my friends, I start crying. And it’s an ugly one. I let it all out as Dallas scoops me into his arms and Maura rubs circles on my back.

“Maura, can you—”

“Already called him. He’s on his way.”

I nod, snuggling closer into Dallas’s warmth.

“Dallas, have you lied to me since I’ve known you?”

“Of course not,” he says. “If you’ve asked me something, I’ve always been truthful with my answers.” I don’t miss the way he phrases that, but I appreciate his clarification on it.

“Can we date instead?”

“Do you have a dick I don’t know about?”

Laughing, I swat his chest. “No, you asshole.”

“Then sorry, babe, but it’s a no.”

We’re quiet a moment, sitting together, taking everything in. I haven’t known Dallas all that long, and neither has Maura, but I feel like he’s always belonged with us. He fits in perfectly and I’m really hoping he sticks around for a long damn time.

“Who did you call, Maura?”

“Perry. Remember the guy you met a couple weeks ago at the bar? The
really
drunk one you helped get outside? That’s Rae’s cousin.”

Dallas stiffens for just a moment.
That’s odd. Maybe they didn’t have such a good encounter.
I pull out of his embrace and look him in the eyes. He’s already learned of my obsession with eye contact. “Was he mean to you, Dall? He can be a dick when he’s drunk.”

The look in his eyes is haunted, remorseful, even. “N-no. He just reminded me of a ghost from my past.”

“Is that ghost the reason you’re single?” Maura asks bravely. I love that she’s been coming out of her shell like that since everything happened with Tucker. Even though they aren’t together right now and she’s still broken up about it, I can still see all the silent confidence he’s given her in the last few months.