Hold Me (2 page)

"Don't be angry with me, love. He asked me not to say anything." He tried to grab my arm before I could get out the door, but I slipped away before he could stop me.

Will was curled up on the couch covered in one of my grandmother's quilts, shivering. I squeezed in next to him and he wrapped his arms around me, holding me close. Heat radiated off his feverish body and his teeth chattered so violently I thought they would crack from the force.

"Maybe you need more ibuprofen?"

"I took six."

Shit
.

"They probably just need time to work."

"You know it won't make a difference." He stroked his hand over my hair and kissed my temple. "I have what, a day... two days?"

My heart jumped hard in my chest. A day or two wasn't enough. I needed more time.

"Probably more. If you were only scratched, not bitten, you have more time. I've seen people hang on for nearly five days from a scratch. It just depends on how strong you are. You just have to be strong." I was talking too fast and the panic was clear in my voice.

"Maybe, it wasn't even a scratch. I was thinking, and you know, you could have just nicked it with an arrow or something. I know you think you know how it happened, but you could be wrong. There was a lot of chaos, and it would have been easy to get confused on what happened. Maybe you just have an infection from the arrow and that's what's causing the fever. You could have tetanus. We have some antibiotics. They could help." I grabbed the crutches and tried to jump up to find some medication, but Will pulled me back.

"Andi, take a breath. I don't have tetanus. I know you don't want me to leave you. Hell, that's the last thing in this world I want, but we have to accept it. It's going to happen either way."

No!

"I don't care what you say. I'm not going to accept that." I pulled away, grabbed the crutches and headed for the supply room.

Since Mom was a nurse, she managed to take home all sorts of medical supplies and drugs once the outbreak hit. We had meds for just about every condition, not that I had any clue what most of them were for.

Dammit, what was it Mom told me about this shit
?

I remembered something about broad spectrum antibiotics being good for a lot of things, but I had no idea which ones were considered broad spectrum. I scanned the bottles and pulled out a few. Ampicillin was what Mom gave Mrs. King, the old woman who lived in the basement with us, when she first got sick after the outbreak. We had no idea what was wrong with her, so she probably treated her for something broad.

I also noticed some ciprofloxacin, which I was pretty sure was the drug people were hording after that anthrax scare. Hell, if it could cure anthrax, maybe it might help Will.

I grabbed the bottles and a syringe, stuck them into my pockets, and hurried back to Will. He was still shivering, but was sitting up with his head back and eyes closed.

"Will?" I whispered, not quite sure if he was asleep or just resting his eyes.

He patted the couch next to him without moving his head or eyes. I took the seat, laid the bottles in his lap and set about preparing the syringe. Good thing Janet sent me to the infirmary to work as punishment after my fight with Donna.

He opened one eye and peered down to see what I was doing. "What's all this?"

"Antibiotics."

"Andi, I don't have tetanus."

"Even if you don't, you don't know they won't help."

"Ok, babe." Will sighed and slipped out of the blanket to give me access to his arm.

His shivering was calming down and he didn't feel quite as hot as earlier. Maybe the ibuprofen was helping the fever after all.

I gave him the injections and covered him up just as Dan came back into the room. He eyed the bottles and looked up at me with sad eyes.

"You need some help?" He had that same look of pity and I knew I must look like a crazy person, but I didn't care.

"No. We're fine."

We were so
not
fine.

"Okay." Dan looked at the bottles again. "You hungry? I can make something if you want?"

"No thanks." Food was the last thing I wanted.

I looked to Will, in case he was hungry but he just shook his head.

"All right. Well I'm going to get some sleep then. Call me if you need me."

I nodded and he disappeared into the back.

"Come here." Will held out his arms and I climbed onto his lap.

Before long, the pain would kick in and just touching him would hurt. For the time being, I was going to take advantage of the feel of him. As much as I wanted to believe there was all some big mistake and he would be all right, I knew I was only kidding myself.

I snuggled my face against his shoulder and took a good long breath of him. Tears welled up in my eyes and I fought them back. There would be plenty of time for tears. I had to be brave for him and make the most of our time. My breath hitched and I choked back the lump in my throat. I was fighting a losing battle.

"Hey now, no crying. We still have a little time left." His voice was soft and weak.

Weak was not something I associated with Will. He was always strong, always there when I needed him. He was the one thing in our screwed up world that made sense. And I was losing him.

CHAPTER TWO

"How are you feeling?" I pushed the hair off his forehead and pressed my lips to the warm skin. He was cooler than before and the shivering stopped.

"Better." He gave me a weak smile and ran his hand over the side of my face.

He was lying, but I welcomed the smile. Will's smiles were one of the things I loved most about him.

"Wouldn't you be more comfortable in bed?"

"Are you trying to get me in bed so you can take advantage of me in my weakened state?"

"Yes, Will. That's exactly it. There's something about high fevers and pale skin that turns me on."

He tried to laugh but it came out as a cough. His body shuddered as he gasped to take in whatever oxygen his lungs would allow. Watching him suffer was tearing me up inside. I would have given anything to take away what happened to him. My heart thumped hard against my chest and ached with every beat. His pain was mine and watching him suffer hurt like nothing I'd ever experienced before.

"Andi, I need to know that you'll be okay."

"You're the one who's sick. I'm fine."

He pulled my hand into his and pulled his lips together. "You know what I mean."

I did know what he meant and I was so not going to be okay.

"You want me to tell you that I'll be just fine after you're dead? That I will go on with my life and everything will be great?"

"Yes."

I tumbled off him and dropped my head into my hands. He was dying and he was worried about me. I wanted to be able to give him what he needed and tell him somehow I'd survive, but I couldn't bring myself to lie to him. The truth was, I didn't know if I would be okay. I'd survived so many losses since the outbreak and each one took a piece of me away. Losing Will would leave a hole so big that I wasn't sure how I could ever recover.

"Andi, I know how hard this is for you—"

"No. You don't." Anger washed over me and I raised my voice. "I'm not the one infected and I don't pretend to know how you feel, but don't tell me you know how I do. Just try to think about how you might feel if this were reversed.... then multiply it by a thousand. And that's still not bad enough." My hands trembled and I tried not to take it out on him, but I failed. My emotions twisted together and went from sad to angry, to furious, to I didn't even know what. Confusion swirled with grief making my head spin.

I imagined losing Will enough times to know that imagining it couldn't compare to the reality of actually knowing it was about to happen.

"I'm sorry. You're right. What I do know is how it feels to know I can't be here with you. I can't protect you... can't know you will be safe. I'm not only losing you, but... leaving you behind and that... is so much more painful than death."

Will was getting winded, struggling for enough air to talk. He rubbed his temples and winced.

"I'm sorry." Watching him struggle to breathe forced my anger down and paved the way for sadness, helplessness, and a few other emotions I couldn't even name at that moment.

"Please don't be sorry, babe. This isn't your fault. Dan and I were the idiots yelling out there." He took a breath and paused. "We practically called them over."

"Maybe you should rest." I didn't want to miss a single second of time with him, but he was tired and in pain.

He shifted and the quilt slid off his arm. The scratch was red and swollen, much worse than just a short time before. A thick yellow-green pus oozed up in bubbles from the center. The virus spread fast, amplifying symptoms that might normally take days in other illnesses, to only hours.

"We should probably cover that."

Will nodded. I hopped onto the crutches and went to get a bandage and some antibacterial ointment. Dan was sitting on a stool in the back room next to the medical cabinet.

***

"I thought you were going to sleep?"

"I tried." He took a sharp breath in and let it out slow.

"So you thought you'd sit back here alone instead?"

"I don't know. I guess. I didn't want to intrude. I figured you two needed the time alone before the hallucinations started."

My heart clenched. I didn't want to think about that stage. I couldn't. I'd seen it before and it was never easy. Watching Will go through it would break me into a million pieces and I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to put them back together.

"I know you don't want to think about it, but it's going to happen. You have to prepare yourself." He brought his eyes up to meet mine, pleading with me.

"How? How do you prepare yourself to watch the person you love most in this world die a horrible death?" I struggled to keep my voice down, not wanting to alert Will.

"It doesn't have to be that way, sweetheart. He doesn't have to suffer."

"What are you talking about? Of course he's going to suffer. You know the stages as well as I do." Anger started to build inside me again and my fingers went numb.

Dan took a deep breath and looked up into my eyes. "Yes. I know the stages, but there's no reason he needs to go through them all. Andi, you know what I'm talking about."

I didn't at first, but all at once it hit me. He was talking about killing Will long before he turned. All the oxygen in my lungs left in one swoosh and my stomach twisted around itself.

"Why would you even say that?" The crutches fell to the floor with a thud and I leaned on the cabinet for balance. I fought back the urge to once again punch him.

"Because it's more humane. I know you don't want to lose him love, but he
is
going to die and there's no reason to make him suffer."

He was looking at me like I was being irrational and completely in denial. Will wasn't some old dog that needed to be put down.

"You don't know that he can't fight this. I've heard stories of people surviving infection. How do you know he can't do it?"

Dan stood and wrapped his arms around me. I struggled to push him off, but he pulled me in tight and held my face against his chest. "Those are just urban legends. Nobody survives this. He's not going to get well just because you can't let go."

I managed to get my arms between us as I balanced on my one good foot and tried my best to punch at his chest. He loosened his grip and let me hit him. He took my punches and repeated, "I'm so sorry," several times. His voice cracked and I knew he was holding back tears.

I punched at his chest until my knuckles ached and I collapsed on the floor in tears. Dan sat down on the cold cement and scooped me into his lap, while I sobbed against him. It wasn't fair. Everything was falling apart around me and I had no idea what the hell to do.

Dan sat with me until I calmed down, then took the bandages and ointment into the other room to take care of Will's scratch. I used the time to splash some cold water on my face and get myself together. I wanted Will to be strong, but I needed to be strong too. I needed to be there for him through this, like he would be for me.

***

When I returned to the living area, Dan was sitting on the coffee table in front of Will, telling him some story about Janet. Will was smiling and looked relaxed. It was as if the two were old pals just having a chat.

If we had time, I knew they would have become good friends. If it wasn't for me, they already would have been. As much as they were different, they were alike and I couldn't help but smile a little seeing them together like that.

I sat down next to Will and snuggled up against his side. "Doctor Dan got you all cleaned up, I see." I pasted a smile on my face to match Will's and tried to look positive.